faith.hope.love

New Year

2012-01-12T00:16:00.005+08:00

New year, new beginnings.

He is for me, and I know it. No matter what happens. He will move the mountains.

"God wants our minds renewed so our will can be done." - Bill Johnson

I've been through the fire, and I have been changed. Perhaps I had to go through all that so that I could be sure of what I was really running after.

Today, I'm pretty sure. He is my Rock, and I trust Him above all else.

He will make everything beautiful in its time.

Amen.

:')

Waiting

2011-10-17T22:22:00.007+08:00

It's been a crazy, crazy few months. I've learnt so many things, and I'm even such a different person. There are still struggles in life that I face, and I'm still learning to give it all to Him. But, just this week, I've been experiencing His lavishing affirmation about who I really am before Him, and what I can really do in life. Never mind if I feel like a loser or have my moments of low self-esteem. I know that He is always for me, and never against me. I may say this in a breath, but it really took great anguish to arrive at such conclusions. People have been telling me that I have low self-esteem, and I ought to think better of myself. After what happened, it's hard. But I agree, and I'll allow Him to speak over my life, and I'll hear it and receive it.

I've changed. My hopes are a blank - I don't even know what I wanna do, who I wanna marry, or even what kind of girl I like... But I guess it's a good place to be, cos then He can come in and fill in the blanks, perfectly. I had a great week before this, just taking up the guitar and singing loudly in the middle of the night. I don't normally do this at home. In fact, never done it. But I believe things are changing, and right down to my secret place and alone moments, I want to cry out to Him and be filled with His presence. Indeed, it is in our most lonesome moments that we struggle the most. At least that's true for me.

So yea, what have I changed? For one, I'm pretty much less rigid and more flexible. It's scary, cos, even morally, I seem to be okay with this or that. Like, when people tell me they smoke, or they have this or that relationship with someone that I may not approve of, I'm free to be open about it. Have to constantly check myself so that I don't become corrupt haha! But yes, I still have morals okay. I guess I'm just more forgiving and patient towards people, accepting that people do make blunders in life, even really unwise or immoral mistakes, and I'm learning to have compassion as my first and immediate response, as opposed to the judgemental one which I was brought up with. So yes, watch out for the new Ivan - more AWESOME than before!

Yes, I guess self-praise does help me cope with my esteem a bit. But nothing beats people telling you good stuff about you. So I shall not go too far praising myself, and wait for nice people who will say nice things to me. But, above all, I will listen out for my Father, who is constantly lavishing on me with His heavenly words of encouragement.

I have been shattered, but He restores, and He will surely make all things beautiful in His time. I'm waiting!

In His time, in His time
He makes all things beautiful
In His time
Lord please show me every day

As You're teaching me Your way
That You'll do just what You say
In Your time <3

Love You

2011-07-25T00:55:00.004+08:00

'Tis a new season.

The winter has passed, and the spring time has come.

Learning to just be with Him, learning, growing, soaring, loving.

Many a times, my heart longs for a companion...

Little was I convicted that my heart was craving for the Fair One.

It's a lifelong dance.

Till I realize this, I probably will not understand Romance.

Neither will I qualify to be worthy of it.

Now, as I increase in my desperation, I'm falling deeply in love.

I have my needs met. I am satisfied.

Yet, I am not satisfied, because it opens the realm where there's just so much more to receive.

The love is endless. The lavishing is exceeding.

I received in part, and I'm praying for the fullness of it's fulfillment.

To be in place where I no longer pray "Thy will be done..."

But to ask and receive, so that my will be done.

Sounds anti-Biblical, but it isn't.

See how Abraham bargained, and how Moses insisted on his way.

Each time, God relented.

More and more I'm convinced that God wants us to be so close with Him at heart, so that He would do our will. He's eager to do as we say!

I wouldn't do anything a stranger tells me, but I do foresee gazing into my future wife's beautiful eyes, saying to her, "I'll do anything for you".

The difference is, I trust that my wife won't ask of me to do something against my will, such as to kill myself.

Gaining the trust of God - this is my romantic and divine journey this season.

I want Him to be so pleased with me.... so much so that He can't help but just pour out anything and everything that I ask!

Adds a new meaning to the phrase "I want to be like Jesus".

Jesus had that heavenly favour, and I want it to.

So I'm striving to please my Father, my First Love, my Fair One.

This is my prayer, it's my solemn vow

With all that I am, with all that I have

I will love You

You are for me

2011-05-21T23:56:00.002+08:00

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

//

This guy came up to me at the carpark and, after some small talk, finally took the courage to say something like this, "I'm a Christian, and I felt that God wanted me to tell you that He loves you."

Just as a girl needs roses or something more than just a "I love you", so was I desperate for something, some sign from heaven, not just head knowledge or theology.
Seems like I finally got my bouquet.
But I want more, perhaps, a kiss from heaven.

//

God loves me, and I believe that.
But I want it to feel real, not just words. I want to experience it fully, not just when a good song pops by or a good sermon comes along. I want His love everywhere, all the time.

Show me something real, Lord.

//

You have granted him his heart’s desire
and have not withheld the request of his lips.
- Ps 21:2

I got this verse, couple of days back.
My desires are ridiculous, my prayers are almost "illegal", or so it feels.
If God would really grant them it'll be WOW.
But I dare not hope for it as well, and sometimes I doubt, because, I mean, will God really answer ridiculous prayers? Will He change the heavens and the earth just for me? Like, who am I right?

So, I don't know. It's difficult to have faith in God giving us what we want, because we're so used to being told that wants are not needs, and wants are bad for you.
I wonder if God thinks so. So, you see my dilemma, and I hope you'll forgive me for having doubts. I know I'm supposed to be a matured Christian, and I'm even a leader, even overseeing a whole ministry sort of thing, and here am I having so little faith.
Faith enough only to just ask.
"Ask and you shall receive". Lord, did you really mean this when you said it? Does it really apply to my crazy prayers?

Whatever the case, I guess the first step is to simply rest in the truth, in what is obviously true. That is, He is for me, not against me.

So, as I pray and doubt, I'll stick to the truth: You are for me.
Whether You answer my prayers, or show me how dumb my prayers are, or in between, like teaching me to pray differently, I'll leave it to You. For now, I'll just try my best to believe that You are for me.

I know, that You are for me. Surely You will not abandon me in my weakness of faith.

Emotions, Movies, and Elections

2011-05-07T13:49:00.006+08:00

The past half a year or so, since the start of this year, I have been rather melancholic. I've been needing a dose of optimism somehow, somewhere, from someone, sometimes. I used to journal a lot, but it kinda stopped cos each time I journal I'm actually arousing all those emotions. So I just started on a personal journey, watching hollywood chick flicks and teen movies, just to entertain and get a dose of optimism and happy endings (I can't stand sad endings, or, even worse, horror). Actually, American does provide a good dose of optimism, like, there are so many possibilities out there, you just have to go for it and fulfill your dreams. One movie that I like in particular is Hilary Duff's Raise Your Voice. Others like Princess Diaries, Princess Protection Program, Camp Rock etc are quite interesting too. I know these are girly movies, but I guess when I'm feeling emotionally down I don't really have the mood for macho 300 or LOTR right? There are times for these different types of movies lor...

Hilary Duff

She's soo pretty right??

Anyways, leading up to now, I'm feeling pretty much better, energised by the all-powerful American optimism, or American Dream. I believe hollywood isn't all that bad you know. I reflect on how like many moralist slam American culture as going down the drain, but when I watch these movies, I realise that a lot of them have quite good values. You know that in real life, some of these actors actually wear the purity ring? Perhaps this generation of American entertainers are different from the morally degrading Gen X and early Gen Y (those older than me, late 20s and early 30s).

Yup, that's about my journey to Hollywood. Just in case you're wondering my commitment to God hasn't faded. I still read my Bible every day, and He's still the foundation of my life. But on top of that, a dose of Hollywood is good for you! (You still have to be discerning when choosing movies la!)

And then, recently, there's the elections! After all those movies, which sort of climaxed with the all-time-favourite-fairy-tale Royal Wedding, it's finally election time in Singapore.

So I stopped eating my Hollywood supper and switched to Youtube's rally videos.

Actually, although happy endings are cool to watch, they seldom inspire your whole life. But elections are a totally different thing man...

To make this long story short I just wanna say that I'm very impressed and inspired by Worker's Party leader Low Thia Khiang. You know how opposition are usually discriminated by the PAP and the PAP usually make things difficult for them to do their stuff? This guy is one serious fighter who never gives up.

That's him. Imagine 20 years being a minority in Parliament, always having your suggestions brushed away by the not-so-al-mighty father, son, and holey Goh. (Father = MM Lee, Son = PM Lee) But he still presses on!

yah people always criticise him as rugged and uncle, but that's the meaning of reaching out to the people right? You know most of Singaporeans are actually heartlanders like this guy? If you think he has poor English and talks too low-class, you're probably a snob. And you're a minority Singaporean. He's actually Chinese-ed, went to the now defunct 南大 (Nanyang University). So his Chinese is more fluent. It's sad that the PAP has been trying all these years to marginalise people like that. I actually talked to this taxi uncle who was Chinese ed, and his mindset is that Chinese-ed people have no future in Singapore, except to be Chinese teacher, which students all hate. So yea, I appreciate the PAP overall, but this is one aspect of PAP that I'm against.

The people should be heard in Parliament, and this guy reflects who the true-blue Singaporeans actually are! In values, language, and attitude. And the speeches he give are powerful! I went to his rally thursday night, and the cheers... gosh it's exhilarating!

yeah you can hear the shouts! People from the heartlands really love this guy! who says you have to speak good English to lead the people?!

I was there when he gave this speech, and there were 30000 people. His rallies are actually the most popular and packed.

He's crazy. He's rugged. He inspires his voters. He inspired me. To be minority in Parliament, educated differently, speaking differently, but winning the hearts of a growing number of people each election, this guy is my hero. I appreciate the PAP, especially what the first generation of leaders have done for our country, and I like our current PM too. But I feel that there has to be a place for guys like him to speak up for those whom he represents in Parliament too.

So yeah. It's been a crazy journey the past half a year, from melancholy to optimism to inspiration. I thank God for this roller-coaster ride. I didn't really expect things to be this way, but I trust He has great plans for me.

Lord, surprise my heart this season I pray. And bless my country, however the elections turn out. Whatever the outcome, whoever enters our Parliament, whoever become our ministers, You are the true King.

So in the end, I only wanna sing: hosanna in the highest!

Royalty

2011-05-01T00:10:00.007+08:00

It's a real-life fairy tale

Kiss of the century <3

Totally lost in their love despite the presence of a multitude... sweet!

I like it how Kate bows slightly when Prince William salutes

She's totally gorgeous

I was totally inspired by the royal wedding yesterday.

The idea of royalty seems to ever grip me so tightly...

It's like, you're entitled to such titles, majesty, glory, authority, adoration just because of who you are.

No one could take that away from you.

That's royalty.

I wish such royalty were real in my life.

I know we're God's royal children, and our royalty is real.

I need more faith to realise this reality in my life... that I am a Prince...

And hopefully one day, I'll have my own royal wedding (:

Faith

2011-04-05T03:32:00.003+08:00

Faith.

It's a journey you walk without seeing where you're going.

It's believing that although my heart seems like a wasteland, God will come and build a kingdom upon it.

Surely He has a delightful inheritance for me.

I trust in You.

Pretty-encouraging things I've come across lately

2011-03-30T01:19:00.006+08:00

Amen. He is faithful.

so pretty... (:

just feel like chewing them now!

cute (:

Emily Browning

I think she's really pretty (:

Indeed <3

Lead

2011-03-28T23:50:00.003+08:00

After leaders' meeting on Saturday, I feel so inspired.

By my own sharing actually.

Prepared my slides until 6am.

When it was finally my turn to present, I felt so excited!

I was going to share about JYC, and what God is doing, and where we're heading etc.

By the end of my sharing, I felt a great, great peace falling on me.

I had a long day afterwards, with meeting till 10pm.

Super tired, given my severe lack of sleep.

But I smiled my way home.

I knew this is where I was supposed to be.

Soaring in leadership, helping emerging leaders, releasing them into the fullness of their giftings.

I felt so happy.

I am so happy now.

The enemy did try to take away my joy almost immediately, but he has not succeeded.

I will guard my heart and my joy.

This is my reward.

Thank You, Lord.

My boundaries have fallen on delightful places.

Empower me to lead like a Prince.

God Is Love

2011-03-07T00:38:00.004+08:00

He loves me

I'm His son and prince

He yearns to lavish on me

It's been a journey - tedious but awesome

Everywhere I turn, I see His fingerprints

Like, I'm surprised at how quickly He restores me, and sets my heart free and guards it at the same time.

God has been good in my life - this I must declare.

I'm charged to continue walking in His ways

I'll cling on Him tightly, never letting go

Really, there's no where else that is good enough, safe enough.

You can't go wrong sticking through with God.

I need to let the world know this.

To those who need and choose to hear, may they be touched!

I'll never be the same

Forever I am changed (:

Growth

2011-01-25T01:08:00.002+08:00

An experience of a lifetime.

I feel that in this season, I'm gonna grow more.

It was the right thing, and I'm glad I did it.

All that I went through last year led up to this point, and I did not lose the moment.

I read, I thought, I prayed, I waited, and I sought a lot of counsel and covering.

I lost a lot of sleep as well.

And God's grace covered.

The results - it's as best as it can be. Close to zero consequences, really.

Could've been much worse.

Thank You Lord (:

I am so challenged to pursue God's ways for my life that there's nothing else I desire now.

It's a good place to be.

It's been six years of dealing with heart issues, and I'm tired.

I sooo miss my J1 days when I was so carefree...

I'm glad it's over, and He's leading me on to something new.

I'm thinking missions.

DTS, Hong Kong. hehe

Always wanted to go there...

Maybe further studies, maybe work, maybe holiday...

But when KYN returned and she mentioned the HK base, it was like a lightbulb suddenly popping on top of my head!

"oh yeaaa" so I thought. Why didn't I think of that?

So yeah, maybe I'll do DTS next Jan.

Wait till I graduate at the end of this year first.

The whole incident led to a lot of breakthrough.

I feel freer talking to my parents now.

My Dad, he talked to me about his life.

He ACTUALLY talked to me about girls! haha!

I've always wanted a father who would teach me about these things... important life lessons you know.

Wish I had that since young.

But I'm in a fatherless generation. A lot of young people have it worse of.

I should be thankful, and I really am.

Breakthrough (:

In my personal life, I feel so much freer to be myself and live in the destiny He has called me to.

I feel freer to connect with people as well, especially those closer to my age.

I think I'm going crazy, but it's a good thing.

I feel so secure, and I know who I am.

And I believe I left an impact that day.

A life-changing impact, which I will continue to leave in the lives of every single person I meet.

Simply because I am a son of God.

It's not pride. It's faith.

I can't believe I'm so confident. Guess it's a first of many signs that Ivan is really becoming crazier.

And more stable and secure at the same time.

Weird, but it's happening. And I love it!!

God is good, and His intentions are always out to bless me with abundance and joy and freedom.

I just need to accept that it may not turn out the way I imagine it to be.

So now, I don't really care. Come what may.

God still loves me, and His lavishing sees no end.

And I'm only beginning to see it unveil.

It's so awesome. He's so awesome!

I'm so awesome :P muahahaha

`Faith

2011-01-11T12:58:00.002+08:00

I am a Prince of the Most High God.

Recently, I've been going through a huge emotional turmoil.

A lot of things are not happening in my favour.

I know I need to learn, and I'm willing to learn.

But still, going through these things have an emotional cost.

Cried in the shower 2 nights ago.

It's been a long time since I cried like that, perhaps since army? Or since I was an intern in YC.

This time, as always, it's different.

Different people, different circumstances, different level of maturity.

God He reigns.

No matter the circumstance, He reigns and rules.

And the amazing thing is, I reign and rule with Him.

I have been called to be above worldly concerns and into His kingdom's matters.

May I be ever captured by His beauty and majesty.

Let not these things of the world corrupt and discourage me, but let me trample on them and reign over all that is my portion.

I will continue to believe that I am loved and empowered to love and build others up, calling their destiny out of them.

I want to have faith like the Centurion.

He says to a servant "go", and he goes, and to another "come", and he comes.

Jesus said He was impressed and pleased with this Roman officer's faith.

Now I know.

I say to worry "go", and it has to leave.

I say to peace "come", and it comes.

Believing that I have this authority is faith pleasing to God.

I am a Prince of the Most High God.

Therefore, I want to have faith that pleases Him.

Happy New Year! (:

2011-01-01T15:38:00.003+08:00

Wonder why so many random people tagging me... how to get rid of those posts. hm...

Anyways, it's a new year. (:

2010 has been a tough ride for me, but hitting rock bottom means that things can only improve, right?

So, I'm facing 2011 with new hope and joy!

Really excited about this year, because it's my last year of uni!! It's not going to be easy, but I will trust in Him to carry me through as He did last year. And oh, for the module I failed in the earlier semester, I resat the exam and scored an A! Praise God! (:

I'm also excited because I'm going to play a bigger role in JYC from Feb onwards, as the leadership faces some changes. Really excited to lead, especially the new additions that are coming in, the young and energetic interns. May God grant me the wisdom to work well with Sharon and Matthew in guiding these younger leaders so as to lead the JYCers to soar like eagles!

Relationships wise, I'm praying and expecting an answer soon (:

However, whatever the case is, I will not be shaken by insecurity.

I've realised through 2010 how easily our hearts can lead us through intense worry and insecurity, such that we lose faith in God.

I've learnt my lesson, and my heart shall submit to Jesus Christ.

No matter what happens, whether boy likes girl but girl has feelings for someone else, or other complications that may arise, I will trust in Him.

God, bless this year ahead of me.

May this year be my year.

Amen.

2010-12-04T04:29:00.002+08:00

JYC Camp was awesome.

And now, in a few moments, I'm leaving for Cambodia.

I'm physically tired after, camp, which happened just after a tiring exam period.

Still, I'm anticipating a powerful time in Cambodia.

Really am excited about what God is doing in my life.

I'm not gonna settle for anything less.

I'm chasing after Him, and am really having a blast doing just that.

Thank You God for loving me.

You changed my life greatly during camp.

And I know You'll continue to work in my life through this upcoming mission trip.

You're awesome.

God He reigns!

I stand at a threshold

2010-11-13T01:58:00.002+08:00

Here I am, standing at a threshold.

My first paper's next week, and I'm trying to balance work and study (it's challenging that I have to work whilst preparing for my exams... the programs this semester really dragged cos of all the public holidays)

I'm not all that rushed for time - I'm keeping up with my studies

But I'm not that ultra-well prepared either.

Looking back this year, I can see God's hand.

It was pretty much a year full of emotional roller-coasters and hurts, feelings that I've never felt at this intensity before.

But I've learnt a lot of lessons.

And that brings me hope.

God has shown and is still showing me a pathway to Him in times of troubles.

I know that at the end of the day, only He never fails.

And I've learnt to accept that people, more often than not, let you down.

I know, there's a popular, everybody-knows saying that "no one's perfect".

But I guess I've experienced this fact about life to a much deeper level this year.

And God has trained me how to overcome troubles at such levels.

So, thank God for the growth (:

God also dealt with a lot of my insecurities that I foolishly and naively built up.

And I'm still learning how to wisely draw the line between trust and naivety.

Absolute trust with absolute wisdom - only God can teach me the way.

And I thank Him for the lessons this year.

I feel that I've lost much, in terms of relationships.

A lot of people whom I used to be close to didn't like me, at least for a period, or there was some distance relationally, or even geographically.

I know at some point it was my fault. I didn't know how to handle the situation, so I did what my limited knowledge guided me to do.

I tried my best, really.

And for the times I stood my ground, I do not regret - standards are standards.

I only regret not having had the wisdom to communicate them better.

But I can see that on most sides, things are getting better, some even better than before.

So I thank God for His mercy and His gift of reconciliation. Really means a lot.

And I have also gained much.

I really grew closer to my peers, who are awesome brothers in Christ. They really light the way for me at times and help me laugh in times of sadness. Thank you Lester, Daniel, Andy.

And all the sisters, here and there, whom I HTHT with, and ask advice from, I appreciate you all. You girls offer me a safe and warm place where I can channel all my emotions and feel understood. Such times really built me up and sustain me.

So I thank God for these gains.

He gives and He takes. May His Name ever be praised!

Also wanna mention Don Lowe, who really encouraged me during family camp.

He has been taking the time to mentor me since I was 15, and I just wanna honour him with this short paragraph. Don is a source of wisdom in my life. Thank You Lord for this obedient servant of Yours.

Back to now... I stand at a threshold.

I've been feeling really low because of my academic record this year. One failed exam, which I'm going to repeat next Monday, and horrible assignment results (47 was the lowest!). These make me lose confidence for this round of exams.

But, I'm glad He's speaking even as I'm feeling all this pessimism.

I am a Prince. I am called to rule and reign in all that He calls me to do.

Failure is but a process - it's not my destiny.

He works all things for my good because I really love Him.

I still do not know how my results will be, but He will come through for me.

Thank God for such reminders. Thank God for cell!

And... about the most anticipated issue... nothing's clear. I think I'm obvious enough, but I know I shouldn't push it. I made a conscious decision to wait till this year is over. I shall stick to it. I thank God it doesn't bother me anymore. It does bug from time to time, but it's only natural. It's a universal human longing. But God has set my heart according to the right priorities, miraculously, because I have been reading His word with a much more open heart lately. And He's showing me things - standards and options that I would never have thought of if it weren't for all the other things that happened this year. So, another thank You to God.

He's amazing. Really.

I stand at a threshold. Behold, new things are about to come.

I really appreciate it that you've read till this far. Bless you to find God in your daily walk too.

You will surely be blessed!

2010-10-14T01:19:00.002+08:00

A wave of fire hit us like a mighty wind and shook our hearts to the core.

The fear of the Lord.

That's what all of us needed to hear.

We've been slack.

We've compromised.

We've succumbed to their culture.

And God was desperate to rescue us and our service.

The word of the Lord came and shook us.

But, in reality, it set us free.

It released us to overcome.

He gave us what we really needed.

He is the Saviour.

Even when He shows up in ways that may seem uncomfortable.

He is awesome in glory and power.

Surely we ought to tremble when He shows up.

Yes. He loves us. That's why He showed up.

Thank You Lord.

2010-10-01T03:11:00.003+08:00

Just finished watching a Chinese series called 《康熙王朝》.
It's a historical show about a certain Emperor Kangxi.
Beats watching gossip girls or glee, which i just don't have the patience to complete.
Sorry if you're a fan of either of these shows, or other gossip-y/scandal-y/romantic etc etc shows.
I have a bigger passion for history. It's just me lor...

So yeah, back to Mr. Kangxi.
- He was a boy of 8 years when he was inaugurated.
- Took full control of 朝廷 matters when he was 14.
- Killed Ao Bai, the most powerful and evil of 4 "prime ministers" who were supposed to guide him as he was a child emperor.
- Defeated Wu Sangui, who, 1. betrayed Ming dynasty to let the Manchus rule China 2. was granted a title of "king" of Yunnan province by the Manchu Emperor, Kangxi's dad (in China back then, a "king" is lower in rank to the Emperor) 3. rebelled against Kangxi and for a moment controlled half of China
- Conquered Taiwan and made it a part of China (the politics of China and Taiwan back then very much reflects that of today)
- Conquered Mongolia
- Defeated Russia and signed a treaty in China's favour (it's sad that more than 100 years later China would begin to sign a series of unequal treaties which overturns this victorious treaty that Kangxi signed)
- Allowed Christian missionaries to be his trusted officials and scientists, and to preach openly in China (again, it is sad that decades later, the Pope forbids the missionaries to kowtow to the Emperor, so Kangxi expelled them from China and stopped all missionary activities)
- In all, he ruled for 61 years, the longest ruling Emperor in China's history.

As I watched, from the beginning of his reign as a child, I was amazed at how destiny could call someone at so young an age, for a purpose so grand as to rule the largest and most powerful empire at that time. And equally mind-boggling is the amount of personal sacrifices he had to make for his country to be peaceful and prosperous. The most painful part being, he married his favourite princess to the Mongol Khan under the Khan's request so as to stall for time as he spent his military resources on Taiwan. He could not afford to offend this Khan because it may threaten the peace in the country. He later kills this Khan when conquering Mongolia, leaving his precious daughter widowed. Between a father and an emperor, he had to choose the grander purpose over his fatherly one. The whole theme of the show is that to be a great emperor, you must suffer agony. Indeed, his daughter Lan Qi-er never forgave him. In the show, that is. She returned to the Mongolian fields and took care of her son, who was the new Khan since Kangxi killed his dad. So complicated right?

Sighhh it's a sad show if you're looking out for emotions. But I feel it illustrates calling and purpose rather well. In today's world, many would give up the larger purpose for "love" and romance, which are pretty much the values of the day. How often we hear things like "as long as we love one another" or "love (romance, that is) is the most important thing" etc. We don't really have an idea of sacrificing ourselves for the bigger picture and purpose, let alone our relationships, personal dreams, desires etc.

I know relationships are important. But Jesus said that we are to "hate" our mothers, brothers, sisters etc if we want to follow Him. "Hate" here means "to love less". So, that means, in our pursuit of Jesus and the calling He has for each of our lives, there will be times when we have to surrender or even abandon relationships that matter most to us. I myself don't really know if I'm up to it.

So yea, just a penny of thought. At the end of the day, God is not out to cut us or make us suffer. In all our deep sufferings, He is actually giving us something better. Not everything Kangxi did was right, of course. I cannot imagine giving my favourite daughter to my enemy, although the fact that it may bring world peace would seriously hammer hard on my integrity and force me to do so. After all, God gave His [favourite] Son in order to make peace with us. So, how much are we willing to give?

2010-09-26T01:15:00.002+08:00

Okays... I'm super tired right now, but I have got to post this! I did a personality test on both Twitter and Facebook, and both said that I was a "Mentor". The following is the account of the Facebook results:

"ENFJs are externally focused, introspective, altruistic, positive and have excellent people skills. They place utmost importance on helping others grow. They are warm and have a natural desire to be supportive and encouraging. Being charismatic and possessing excellent language skills, they do well in leadership roles. ENFJs strive to enhance the lives of their human brethren."

heh! I personally think it's quite spot-on. Would you agree? (:
Here are more of what some people would say about Mentor-type personality (ENFJs - I seriously don't know what it stands for!)

"ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship."

"Success for an ENFJ comes through involvement in the process of making things happen for people; through the accomplishments and satisfactions of those they have helped to enrich the human world with greater value, and through finding that their efforts on behalf of others have fulfilled their own life as well."

"ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this."

"ENFJs focused on the organization's ideals and operate within those ideals. They focus on how organizations should treat people and communicate these values to others. They enjoy leading and facilitating teams, and like to bring matters to mutually beneficial conclusions. ENFJs prefer a work setting that contains individuals focused on changing things for the betterment of others."

"Rated by psychologists among 2 types least likely to have trouble in school. "
[LOLs, in other words, means I'm guai! :P]

Is this who I am? It's kinda interesting to find out more about oneself! You should try it.

2010-09-21T01:18:00.002+08:00

Last week was awesome! (:

And JYC Anniversary... prep was tiring, but we got the atmosphere on the day! Yayy!!
At least our efforts didn't go to waste.

And I just read your blog.
It changed my life, the way I view things.
You are godly.

Wedding Bells Again!! (:

2010-09-10T14:38:00.002+08:00

Just some pictures of the wedding dinner worth noting (the more glam ones of myself ha!). Can catch the rest at facebook (:

young and pretty bridesmaid (:

haha!! And it's my first time snapping with Ron!!
can't believe it's our first few official pictures!!
where have you been for the past 2 years Ron??

so yeahh wedding's are fun (:
Somehow, at least for me, preparing my dressing for each wedding is like preparing for prom heh
Got to match the right colours, do the right hair etc.
But as more weddings come along I probably won't be so conscious anymore, I guess..

Congratulations to Jia Hao and Ruth!
You both have been a blessing to me (:
May you both be a light that shines as an example of Godly love and devotion.
May you also have many kids for my future kids to play and grow up with (:
Who knows, they might pair up hahaha too early to say tho...

God is good. Somehow, seeing them get married doesn't make me envious anymore. I just feel happy for them (:

I've changed. And it's a good thing.

2010-09-07T13:13:00.002+08:00

Lie:
I can't get out of this.

Truth:
In the darkness God's light shines. (:

True Love Awaits

2010-08-31T02:10:00.005+08:00

I've tried.
I've been insecure.
I've tried my best to convince myself that our values don't match.
I've looked at other options, with the intent that somehow I may be drawn somewhere away...

But somehow the feelings creep back, and I can't move on.

Sometimes, true love may seem like the above.
It occupies my mind so much, I seldom have time to realise the truth...
But how can I forget that at every moment, my Lover awaits?

The world is deceptive.
And emotions don't tell the truth.
The world says follow your heart.
God's Word says the heart is deceitful above all things.

O God, You are right in all Your ways.
Lead my heart, Lord.
I love Your approval more than I love anything, or anyone, else.
May this be my bold, wholehearted, life song:

Amen
(:

2010-08-23T00:38:00.003+08:00

Judging from my feelings, I think I'm done.
I'm successfully moving on.
Talked to a few close people, and I feel their support and agreement.
Although, I must say some things still catch my eye.
But at all other times, it's not a concern, really.
Whatever the case, thank You, God.
You have good plans for me.

//

I miss April. Badly.
Kinda lost, cos now there's no one to really call out.
Also because of timing, it's really hard to catch her... D:

[12:18:51 AM] Ivan Lau: :)
[12:28:39 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: sorry! i have to go now
[12:28:55 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:28:59 AM] Ivan Lau: will you be back?
[12:29:14 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: nope, maybe tmr
[12:29:18 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:29:22 AM] Ivan Lau: bye! (:
[12:29:29 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!:))
[12:29:32 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: miss you
[12:29:35 AM] Ivan Lau: miss you too!
[12:30:47 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!
[12:30:54 AM] Ivan Lau: byeeee!! ):

Yeahh... but it's okay. The person may be far, but the friendship is good and strong.
Thank you April. You've been a wonderful friend here in Singapore.
And you're still as wonderful wherever you are.
Looking forward to seeing you soon!!
Tagg when you read this! (:

2010-08-19T01:14:00.003+08:00

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

- 2 Cor 4:7-9

Thank You Lord. This verse is really timely.
I'm blessed beyond the cursed for Your promise will endure.
Yes Lord. Yes yes Lord.
Amen (:

2010-08-18T13:36:00.004+08:00

How would you feel if that girl was your mum, and the guy isn't your father?

I remember Pastor James talking about making life decisions.
At one point, he said that many godly men choose girls who can be good wives, but do we look out to see if they can be good mothers too?

I'm looking out for a good mother-to-be.
I'm not shutting the door, but I pretty much know what I want and do not want.
It's painful, but I'm moving on.

2010-08-18T01:52:00.002+08:00

Just wanna cry out in desperation now.

Faithful One, so unchanging.
Ageless One, You're my Rock of peace.
Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You. Again and again.
I call out to You. Again and again.

You are my Rock in times of trouble.
You lift me up when I fall down.
All through the storm Your love is the anchor.
My hope is in You alone.

Help me God.
This heartache is hard to bear.
All the things going on in my heart and mind.
I'm calling out to You.
Will You answer? Will it be good news?
I need solace.
Lift me up, O Lord. Anchor me in Your love.
For You alone are faithful.

2010-08-16T23:50:00.002+08:00

Amen. (:

One day, I'll pick up the courage to tell you this face to face.

2010-08-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

Somehow, I'm always so eager to know how you are.
I dunno about you, but it totally makes my day when we get to talk (:
Really appreciate moments like tonight.

//

It's not really wrong, I guess
You're doing something you're passionate about, and not deliberately crossing boundaries.
And I don't really have a say in it either, cos it's your personal standards.
Just that, for me, I have always thought that such "stuff" would be saved for a *special* someone/moment.
At least, that is what it looks like in my dreams, which has been painfully trashed...

饮水思源

2010-08-11T02:46:00.004+08:00

This is a pretty cool Cantonese rap composed by a guy who is opposed to Guangzhou's authorities, who are planning to replace Cantonese TV channels with Mandarin ones. I support him.

Cantonese is a precious language.
It is 2000 years old, while Mandarin is only 800.

China's heritage is preserved in the South, so scholars say, because most wars in ancient China happened in the North, and people in the North moved their homes pretty often. Pretty much explains why most of the North speak a dialect similar to Mandarin - they intermingle through generations of travelling to and fro.

Cantonese, on the other hand, is spoken by the Chinese pretty much settled in the South. While it is not the only Southern Chinese "dialect" (actually, it's more of a language of its own, cause it's totally different from Mandarin and Mandarin-related dialects), it preserves the heritage of our forefathers from ages past (2000 years!).

And for me, it's my identity too.

But now, the language is sidelined. No, it's not Singapore. It's the Motherland.
They've succeeded in wiping it out in my generation here in Singapore.
But if it happens also in land which is the Source of the language, who will be left to uphold the tradition? Hong Kong?
Yes, we have to modernise and move on.
But I can't compromise my roots.

饮水思源.
That's what my teachers and parents taught me.
And it's a virtue I intend to keep.
I know that English is virtually my First Language now.
But I will keep on improving on my Cantonese.
Not just for the sake of my roots, but also for the many people I cherish - aunties, uncles, 婆婆s, Pastors etc. Even some migrant youngsters (or children of migrants) and friends (:
God gave me my heritage. He put these people around me.
So I'm pretty sure learning the language of my forefathers keeps me in step with my purpose.

I will learn Cantonese. Well. (:

And oh, by the way, "饮水" is Cantonese vocabulary (pronounced yum soei). Mandarin speakers say "喝水". See what I mean? Only the authentic stuff make it to the list of 成语s.

I hope the Chinese government doesn't do something so foolish as to diminish Cantonese. And I hope that they won't succeed, because the Bible says God desires that people worship Him, from every tribe and tongue. God values diversity. Praising Him in diverse languages brings Him glory. May He grant the CCP wisdom not to do this silly thing. Amen.

If you're reading this: Learn your dialect guys!!

Happy Birthday SUMSUM!! :D

2010-08-09T00:39:00.002+08:00

Happy 14th birthday Ron!! :D

sighhh I realised when I was trying to find a photo to put up that I haven't had a proper picture taken with you before!! ): must take one soon okayyy??

Anyways, just wanna dedicate this post to you (:
You've been an awesome little sister and friend! Thanks for helping me with my project last semester. I got an A!! hehe (: Really enjoy the process of seeing you mature these years, and somehow, I'm beginning to realise that you're actually quite mature! Like, it's quite fun and meaningful talking to you. Like adults would normally say, 你长大了. now I feel so old... heh!

I sense that you have a special calling for your own generation, both in church and outside. You're called to lead with a servant's attitude, which you seem to be already doing. And you've got patience and a huge dose of discipline - something young people these days seriously lack!

Personally, you've been a blessing to my heart. I feel supported when you're around, and you personality is just soo... encouraging (: like Miss Sunshine!

So, happy 14th birthday, and may you grow in wisdom, servant-leadership, patience, and beauty all the more in the coming year!

See you next time @ some ice cream shop. And please bring a camera along! (:

Love,
Kor Ivan

2010-08-06T13:56:00.003+08:00

... I just can't stand it :'(

Hope you understand this deeply...
Wishing you the highest good that can happen (:

... or if one of you goes... well, I shouldn't say where (:
Just trust God.

2010-08-06T13:20:00.003+08:00

I'm super convicted by the 40 day fast booklet.

From today's passage:

Amid betrayals and fallouts, love never fluctuates. Love never alternates. Love never ends.

Is your love tough? Does it remain constant through the ups and downs, bumps and bruises of human relationships? Or does it fluctuate and diminish as family and friends change for the worse and disappoint you in a thousand ways? Ask God to replace your fragile, fitful love with His unflinching agape love.

Yes Lord. Replace my weak heart with a loving one that has the capacity to endure all things and yet remain loving. Also grant me the power to express such great love through my speech and actions. Amen.

2010-08-02T01:13:00.004+08:00

The dress you wore made you look really pretty today (:

I like your fashion sense.
You're so good at it.

2010-07-31T00:42:00.002+08:00

The rewards of present hurts lie in the abundance of future glory.
I believe that hurts won't go to waste.
I believe You're crafting something beautiful out of every piercing experience.
I place my trust in You, O God.
Please come through for me.
I can't hold out long.
Come Lord.

2010-07-30T01:14:00.002+08:00

You're important. Really.
Talk soon (:

2010-07-27T23:19:00.002+08:00

Hey,
I could hear you crying, though I'm living so far away.
Maybe it's because I've heard it many times before...
Just wish I could be your neighbour
So that in moments of distress, I can sit beside you
At the steps, or at the bench, or the poolside
To assure you that it will be okay
And at least for that moment you can feel safe
To offer shelter and comfort
Like an adult would to a child

But there is One greater than I.
He heard your cry, and understands your pain to the core.
He has been hearing you cry since your first baby squirm.
He was right beside you, were you aware?
He isn't just your neighbour. He lives in you.
In moments of distress, He holds your hands. Can you feel it?
At your desk, on your bed...
To assure you that it will be okay.
And you can feel safe, every single moment.
He offers shelter and comfort
Like a Daddy would to His child

God bless your dear heart

2010-07-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

I'm setting my heart right.
I forgive you.
I will not mention the past.
All things start anew from this point.
No wonder it feels like it's so hard to talk; it's like getting to know you all over again.
But I'll give all that I've got.
I'll try my best.
I'll brace the awkwardness, I'll bear the responsibility.
Cause you're worth it. Surely you must know it.
This is not just an emotion.
It's the right thing to do.
I know it takes time, but I wanna make my goal obvious from the start.
At this point, I hope you don't find me irritating. But if you do...
Don't worry, I won't blame you. Just know that I'm still working at it ya?
Because you are a good friend, and I treasure our relationship.
You matter. A LOT!! (:

2010-07-26T13:45:00.001+08:00

HTHT-ed with Sam Pokamaniaz last night (:
It was awesomez!!
Been wanting to talk to her for some time already, but didn't really go for it cuz of some semi-obvious reasons...
Anyways, I had a greeaaaat time (:

2010-07-26T13:38:00.003+08:00

Honouring others before self-consideration.
That's my core value.
I wanna stick to it against all emotions.
But I don't wanna be legalistic either.
Lord, help me do it in a child-of-God's way.
I rest assured in Your soverignty above all else.
You love me, and You set me up to prosper.
In You I trust.
Amen.

Princess

2010-07-20T14:41:00.002+08:00

She's so hot!!

gosh, I wonder what is it like to marry a princess! it's said that her husband would become a duke of somewhere in her country! hehe I'll become royalty too...

But that's besides the point. Emotions aside, I really wanna marry a REAL Princess, that is, a Princess whose line of royalty comes from the ultimate King Himself. Perhaps, then, I'll get to inherit treasures bountiful!! Surely the Lord will bestow favour on me?

I wanna marry a princess!!

Congratulations B&Q!!!

2010-07-14T23:27:00.004+08:00

awesomeness! it's in the genes ;)

Aunty Connie and Lin Jie
Got to know both of them more while I was a YC intern
They both are really nice to me (:

Yin Jie looking smart eh... guess who picked his outfit?

crashing their table...

haha! I love this (:

bros

hehe 2 very lovely girls (:

beabea! she's so pretty! (:
it's amazing to see how she's matured over the years...

Joanne looking gorgeous, well dressed and made up... as usual

It's a season of marriage. One down, 4 more to go! Sighhh... makes me wonder when's mine. But I shan't bother myself with too much worry. God has His own perfect time (:

I am convinced that God loves me. heh, what a thing to say at this age huh, but it's so true! God has many treasures up His sleeves, if only we're patient and diligent to wait and seek! So I believe He has a special treasure in store for me :D and I'm patiently waiting!!

Back to B&Q's Big Day, it's sweet to see how God brings together a godly couple. Their love story isn't limited to themselves. It's is poured out and shared with the whole community, such that everyone has a part to play in their romance. I want my love story to be like that too. I don't want to be reclusive with my Loved One. Rather, I want my personal romance to be celebrated by all my Loved Ones. Thank God for such an awesome example in Ben and Queenie.

I sincerely offer my congratulations and blessings to Ben and Queenie. May you both prosper in your marriage and impact the nations and future generations because of your Christ-like love for each other. Let your light shine so that all may see the glory of the Lord! These are my heartfelt wishes for you both.

In honour of the newly weds, love, and holiness...
Cheers!

2010-06-30T02:42:00.003+08:00

I suddenly had a revelation while looking through some photos.
My duty is to watch over you as you bloom.
To see you grow, mature, be secure in Him and impact the generations.
To watch you reach your destiny is what makes me content.
I don't have to have you. Or get to talk to you, or be noticed by you.
It's not about what I can get.
It's about having the privilege of seeing God unfold the treasure in you.
It's a privilege to have you in my life and even be friends.
I bless you with joy and peace in whatever you do.
I'm cheering you on.
As a brother and friend.
(:

The worst news a man can hear

2010-06-29T14:21:00.002+08:00

This is shocking for any man to hear.
I wonder if girls are like that really.
Christian girls?
I've felt betrayed before, and it really hurt.
What more this husband?
There's just so many questions running through my head.
Why didn't the girl control herself, or her emotions there and then?
Why did she allow herself to be willful?
Could these things have been prevented?
Were there signs that these things were to happen even before they did?
I'm guessing the lady probably didn't think she'd do these things herself.
Everything was probably sweet and well on their wedding day.
She probably would have been kind of "innocently willful", but not considered as a threat.
But... sigh... this show breaks my heart.
This world needs to know faithfulness and openness.

Imagine if she had processed everything honestly with her husband from the start.
Imagine if she made it a point to be accountable to him, like by telling him where she is every now and then, especially when she's in unusual circumstances.
And allow him to ask personal questions.
It would have been much harder for her to be unfaithful.

Accountability is important.
Not just in marriage, but in life.
God is faithful, and I hope His faithfulness spreads like wildfire in our time.
This world needs it.
Even Christians need it.
I need it.

2010-06-29T13:38:00.003+08:00

Your Word is a light unto my path
Your love guides me through my darkest night

And even though sometimes Your ways I cannot understand
I'll never walk away because my future's in Your hands

I don't care what people will say
I'm running after You
I won't turn back and go their way
I'm running after You

Don't matter what may come my way
I'm running after You
It's You I'm following today
I'm running after You

I! WILL! RUN! TO YOU!

Yes Lord. I don't care what may come my way.
Give me strength to run after You.

2010-06-29T01:54:00.003+08:00

I got an F for one of my 3 papers last sem.
Super shocked.
I actually felt confident for the paper.
Didn't know how I could've failed.
I did pretty well for my assignments.
And I didn't think I was super out of touch with the topics during the exam.
I dunno. Maybe I really did mess it up.
I'm gonna apply for a review.
Gonna cost some $53+++
I hope they'll change their minds.
God, what are You saying to me?
:'(

2010-06-28T01:12:00.002+08:00

I'm starting work tomorrow.
I'm taking over from someone. Gonna be haphazard, I presume.
But God, I know You have Your reasons.
So bless this term.
Bless my heart.
Give me faith to trust in You, and be a blessing to all whom I encounter.
And please hold JYC close in Your embrace.
I know You love her. You alone will be her protector and her shield.
I pray she'll soar.
Thank You, Lord.
You are good. Your faithfulness reaches to the heavens.

New Season! (:

2010-06-24T23:49:00.002+08:00

HTHT-ed with Gracia and Anna yesterday. Was great. Seeing lives transformed. Seeing battles won, or still raging but with victory in sight. I really thank God for the free time this season for me to meet up with so many people.

//

Gonna start work next week. New school, new programmes, and I'm taking over halfway from a colleague, so it's gonna be a bit haphazard. But I've gone through enough to know that God will take me through anyway. So yea. I trust You Jesus!!!! :) :) :) I will be a light that shines Your name!

//

I feel that the tide is changing. A new season is coming! I'm so eggcited!! ohmygosh... ImsoexcitedImsoexcitedImsoexcited!!! Okay Ivan, stop it. Yes. Poised.

But yea, I'm really looking forward to the new season. It's been a rough ride, but I'm thankful that everyone's still hanging on to Christ. Wanna see a different kind of power coming through JYC in the remaining half of the year. Excited about the coming P6s also, after hearing what Anna has said (: It's gonna be cool! Looking forward to camp already :P

I've got a Saviour and He's living in me, WHOAA!
I wanna know, I wanna know You today!
You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take...
The world will never take You away!!!

Jesus is the Bestest! (:

Little Girl

2010-06-23T01:39:00.003+08:00

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

- 1 John 3:1

Don't be sad. Lift up your eyes.
Rise up once again to show the world what real beauty looks like.
Broken wings can be repaired. Roses will bloom again.
Tears will be wiped away as you don't have time for the past.
Eyes on heaven! See the angels celebrate!
For the souls you bless will be many.
A precious treasure you are. The King parades you as a sacred prize.
How tender is His love for you, O child!
His lavishing knows no limits.

2010-06-20T00:50:00.002+08:00

2 things I learnt from wise Joel Wong today:
1. Emotions lie.
2. It's all about perspective.

I've heard these things before, but somehow, I feel that the younger generation are so deprived of such golden wisdom. Which is why my entire being was kicking when Joel was speaking during camp guys' session.

An example:
When I do badly for my first semester in sec 3, as the score is placed right before me, I can feel like it's the worst thing that can happen. At this point in time. However, given that I'm now preparing for my A's, and looking back, does that test still remain relevant? No. When we look at things that are immediately before us with a here-and-now perspective, we are like using a microscope, making something so small seem so big before us. This is when our emotions hit us. But when we look at every single thing in the light of our entire life, and our entire existence, and eternity, the immediate circumstances immediately seem so small and irrelevant. That's why perspective matters. And if the eternal perspective is the truth, then the here-and-now perspective is a lie. That's why emotions lie.

Don't you just love it when Joel speaks? I grew up in cell hearing him speak week after week after week. I think the younger ones should have some similar opportunities. heh.

2010-06-17T02:43:00.002+08:00

Finally managed to buy Ronz ice cream today for helping me with my assignment (:

It was a good time of talking, sharing, htht-ing etc. But more importantly, I know God is saying something. He's speaking a message of hope. Through her, I see hope. God has not forgotten JYC, but He has allowed us to go through a valley and in the process show us that His light is still upon us. And there I was, having ice cream with someone who could easily have gotten angry or sunk in disappointment and sadness, but had instead chosen to fight her battle well, notwithstanding the tears along the way.

I believe God is going to do something special in this camp. It'll require us to discipline our hearts, but I know He has prepared them and with His Spirit, it is possible. Like family camp, He's gonna sweep down like a mighty river, making our old selves seem so silly in plain sight, while giving us a new self, a new name, a new identity. He's gonna make new things, new persons, new desires. And it's all to His glory, which will be awesome (:

Thanks RonzBonz (: you fought well in this season! You have my admiration *winks* :D
And oh, you should learn to say "thank you" when receiving compliments ;P

2010-06-15T23:36:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we learn to say the 'correct' things in church, and then we go and blog about how we really feel.

But I choose to declare the truth when I'm around church people, and when I go to my secret corner I tell my feelings to obey the truth.

I should talk more with people who understand emotions and are good at mastering over humans' deceptive hearts.

Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.
- Genesis 4:7

Yes. I will be a master over deception.

2010-06-14T12:30:00.000+08:00

2010-06-14T00:52:00.002+08:00

O God. Only You can move the hearts of Man.
And I will not try to do Your job.

I'm fighting to be secure.
It's a battle I have to fight. For myself and those whom I love.
The destiny of JYC hinges on every single choice we make.
Good choices. Let's make them.

And let God come into the picture.
Make it about Him.
Let every opportunity and entry count for Jesus.

2010-06-10T00:27:00.003+08:00

Family Camp changed my life.

I am a new creation.
I am a miracle worker.
My purpose is to bring the lost to the arms of the Father.
I will not be satisfied until my purpose is fulfilled.
I'm putting many things away.
I'm pursuing God to a greater extent in this season.
I will not abide by feelings, but I will subdue them, as is my right as His son.
I am ever lavished and adored upon as His bride.
This is my identity.

This is our God.

2010-06-06T00:13:00.002+08:00

I'll remind myself of all that You've done.

When I'm angry, I'll remember that I have sinned against You, yet You forgave.
When I'm disappointed, I'll remember the times You blessed me.
When I'm heartbroken, I'll remember that You still love me.

I'm Yours. Forever Yours.

2010-06-04T23:46:00.002+08:00

"Girls are better at handling uncertainty. They enjoy the process."
- Pastor Lilian

That's what she said when I asked her about a week ago why do guys seem to be at such a frustrated state when they like a girl, but a girl seems to be so cool even when liking a guy.

Though, I know girls who DEFINITELY are not like what Pastor described, but good Christian girls generally are like that (:

***

There is a place for hurts and disappointments.

But these shall not be my master. I will overcome.

I Will Rejoice

2010-06-04T00:29:00.004+08:00

It's kinda cute that my day could be summarised orderly in 4 separate events, 3 of which were interesting meetings with people (: The following is gonna be an essay, so brace yourself if you're set on reading it.

1. Lunch with Anna
Talked about loads of things in those 3 hours. Exchanged lots of stories, LOTS! hehe (: It's really encouraging to find someone fighting strong in the spirit.Young as she is, she's going on passionate and adamant about making clear and good choices. The hurts are still there, and I can totally relate to some of those, and they're only making her wiser and purer in heart. Ian was telling me over supper 2 nights ago that you can tell when people make good choices cause their life shows it all (and, surely, vice versa). And I think, Anna, I'm really encouraged to find that you've been doing just that! I'm so proud of you! Press on yea? (:

2. IPPT
The following sums it all...
Sit-up: 40
Broad jump: 234cm
chin up: 8
Shuttle run: 10.2s
2.4: 11:39

Injured my knee after the whole thing. 2.4 was crazy I tell you... The moment I started running I was already half-exhausted cause of the static stations. When I trained on my own, I only did chin ups before I ran 3km or so. But I also did sit ups (which totally killed my stamina) and shuttle run. Felt like puking from the 5th round on. My pace was much slower that when I ran 3km! !!!! But for some reason, I finished on 11:39, just making it silver! And my 8th chin up was, I think, given by the PTI. Maybe he thought I really did have my chin above the bar when the machine didn't read.

I was kinda emotional about it, cause somehow it was in line with what God's been doing in my life this season. I'm struggling, like mad, but He will make sure I'll go through and finish well.

3. Church ppl @ Taka
After IPPT, went to meet some church peeps at takashimaya. There were Simon, Anton, Maryann, Tany, Sharon, Kelsie and Berakah. Was just encouraged to just join them for a while and just be amongst church people. In desperate times, simple gatherings like this reminds me of hope and love.

4. Dinner/Supper with brudder Fai
Final destination - Old Airport Road. Had a good long talk with him. Really privileged to have a caring and open brother with whom I can just talk to about life.

Summary
It seems clear that everything that happened today were a message of love and hope from the Lover. It can't be clearer that He's out to love me and set my eyes on things that are about hope. For too long the enemy has stolen my hopeful vision and has made me focus on darkness instead, which led me to experience a whole train of disappoints and hurts during this season. But, I know that a time is coming soon when I can surely say that God is my hope, and at every turn I will envision and declare His majesty, even in the uttermost depths of valleys.

On my way home, He brought me back some years ago when I said that I wanted to be like the Apostle Paul. And I've been receiving revelation about Paul, who had to deal with churches that were deeply rooted in sin. Surely he must have been hurt. He wrote scores of letters to those churches - in Corinth, Ephesus, Rome etc - to warn and point to the right things. He could have felt hopeless. I mean, people were having sexual relations with one another within the church! But he did not. Rather, he declared that his life was a drink offering poured out to serve God's people, and he still keeps his joy! Yes, I should bear a similar attitude, especially in this season. JYC will recover and shine.

300 years after Paul's death, his heartfelt letters were recovered to form a large part of the New Testament, which became the basis of Christian theology. Not only did his labour and suffering not go wasted, they impacted generations of Christians, and will very likely continue to impact God's people until His coming. God honours our sacrifices for Him (:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life — in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.

- Philippians 2:14-17

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

- 2 Tim 4:6-7

Yes. I will rejoice in the fiercest of fights!

2010-06-03T00:52:00.003+08:00

For the past week or so, I couldn't help but refer to You.
In my journal, blog, thoughts and affection.
Many things fill my mind.
Important and unimportant.
Dear and distant.
Present and future.

And they all point to You.
There's been nothing I could reserve for someone else.

It's all about You, Jesus
Not people
Not the pain
Not memories
Not even her
None but Jesus

2010-05-31T00:09:00.003+08:00

If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear Your voice
I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe

I'll remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I'll sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope, and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace, rest upon me
Staying desperate for you God, staying humbled at your feet
I will lift these hands and praise, I will believe

In my moment of despair, O Lord, You reach out and love me.

//

shucks! said the wrong stuffffff!!!!!!!!

so awkward...

but really thank wardz and jas sia for being so ready to give advices and listen to our (my) never ending queries and questions. it was great pouring out my heart's puzzles and allowing words of wisdom and experience speaking into my heart. it's really precious. although i kinda messed up about the *comment*, i felt really good after the time at macs (:

2010-05-30T00:17:00.006+08:00

Leaders' meeting was awesome (: really excited what's gonna happen this June, and the years to come.

Ian was saying and describing how some leaders who have been fighting hard in their ministries, especially those ministries which have been hit hard. These leaders have carried a certain weight, and it's difficult to be "happy" when we gather in a group like that. No, it's not like we're all sulking our way to meeting. There's jokes, laughter, really hard laughter cause of Anton's games (he sure has a gift of cracking people up hehe :D). Yeah, but when you look around, you can see battle-scarred faces. We reckon it's a tough season. That's exactly how I feel. I believe a lot of leaders are also feeling that. So we prayed. We also prayed during power hour. I believe that the battle is the Lord's. His kingdom will not suffer loss. No. The path is narrow and the enemy desperate, but by His Spirit He will lead us to a breakthrough! (:

2010-05-27T02:05:00.002+08:00

I think the first sentence every time you're around and I have the car

wanna tell you that every time I see you...

2010-05-27T01:38:00.002+08:00

Gemma Arterton (: I like her eyes!

Just watched this movie with Yap, and it kept me thinking about how us human beings are so fascinated by happy endings, where the prince and princess live happily ever after. It makes me wonder too if God did place such a perfect dream in my heart. And if He did, the next question would be, if not now, why am I feeling it now?

Or is "happily ever after" just a fable? It appears more and more people are believing it as such. Perhaps that's why guys are being so open about their lust. But it's always been like that. What's changing is that fewer and fewer girls are treasuring their treasure. They no longer feel the need to save themselves for someone special, perhaps because they don't believe it. It's sad.

But I believe in happily ever after. I once did a survey, and with regards to my romantic life, it says that I'm "hopelessly romantic". I kinda agree. I hold on to such *feelings* really tightly, although I know not to impose anything on the other party. So it remains that I am but a fool in love.

I dream about perfection (:

2010-05-25T03:16:00.005+08:00

I just want to be the superhero whom you'd cry out for when you're in distress
But only you can decide whether my powers are good enough
It is every boy's dream to be a hero
Am I qualified to be yours?

There are so many superheroes around, one or two especially powerful
Having tasted their powers, you'll probably do well without mine
You know, it's really painful when I try to do a good superhero job
When the very powers that I have to offer aren't really needed

2010-05-22T03:13:00.002+08:00

I've been playing a lot of blues lately. On the guitar. Cause when the *feelings* step in and it seems difficult to cope, the joy of creating tunes kinda crack me up. It also helps that I've been spending a lot of time in church, studying in the hangout, although I can't really focus most of the time, cause there's a guitar there! Especially after wed's paper, I can't really focus on my next paper which is coming monday. But still, exam's aren't the most pressing things in my mind. Perhaps cause I know I'll prolly pass. Mugging is just a matter of how badly you want an A. And at this point, I don't really care, cause, I mean, I really don't value the "standard path" that much anymore. I'll still study, but I won't make it a priority. I just wanna take things easy and find out more about what life really is - that which God intended for it to be.

Adam and Eve weren't created for exams and meeting expectations. There were created for relationships - something they don't teach in schools these days. So yeah, relationships. The source of my greatest joy, and also my greatest pains. The joys are worth keeping. Every moment. But the pains... I've been searching for a solution. And recently, it dawned upon me. Time and again it is brought up. It's the central theme of the Bible. Yet many people miss it! It's forgiveness.

I've been trying to walk in forgiveness, putting aside every hurt and trusting God that He will be faithful to heal as long as I choose to release a person into forgiveness. The hurt doesn't always go away immediately, and I'll have to find ways and means to bide my time as God does His work. I won't give up on forgiveness, cause it's Jesus' love language, and so it shall be as mine too.

Meanwhile, when silly reminders arouse the pains, setting my emotions spinning into the blues, I'l just pick up the guitar, sing a song or two, playing the blues till the blues cease to be blue.

Music is powerful, I tell you. Thank God for it.

2010-05-21T03:17:00.002+08:00

if it's true, then I understand. it's okay.

//

Read Acts today. I wanna be like Paul, pursuing Jesus all the way unto death. But for the past few years, it seems like i've been chasing practical things, like a degree, future prospects, ideas, family etc. and somehow, I've left the passion I had as a teen. I remember being devoted to almost every single Church event, like 100%. Army killed that, of course, with the weekends gone. It's practical, it's needed, but it also changed my mindset a bit. True, that we can't always be present for Church events, but since then, the appeal of practicality in the way I view things and in the choices that I make seems pretty high. Perhaps it's about time I looked back at, say, 17, and learn from the Ivan then.

Pursuing God unto death. It's pain in life that brings me back to such fundamental joy. Like, suddenly everything seems meaningless, and what's left is the hope that I buried deep in my heart. I don't wanna lose it. Really. Even if it means that I'm going to die a horrible death, or if I'm not going to get married at all (ouch!), or if I'm going to have to leave all my friends and loved ones etc etc. I need to place God first.

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

these words are easy to sing, but takes a whole lot of self-denial to really mean.

2010-05-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

"I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way."
- Sharon Liang

mann... if a ~~girl~~ lady could live up to this, then surely I can, right?
C'mon Ivan. Be a man... after God's own heart!

2010-05-20T00:38:00.002+08:00

Insecurity... it's poison I tell you.
Affects my temper, makes me unsettled, having the BIG need to laugh at something, having the need to belong, makes me say stupid things, spoils relations, dissatisfied with EVERYTHING, longing for more of Idontknowwhat... ARGH!!!

Then God spoke.

All you need is faith like a mustard seed, Ivan.
Faith. Like a mustard seed.
Insecurity makes you imagine things that are not there.
It tells you you're insufficient when I've already given you abundance.
It blinds you from the blessings in your life that are a cause for joy.
It seeks to leave you withered like a dead leaf.
Hear my voice. It's guiding you every step. You only have to pay very close attention to know what I'm saying. It's the voice of comfort. The voice of Truth. It tells you a different story of what's really going on - the truth, that is.

and off goes the load.

I should do QT now.

2010-05-19T03:05:00.000+08:00

to all my sisters (:

2010-05-18T23:21:00.001+08:00

this sounds kinda in-your-face
but wells, it's true

Amen.

Show me Your ways, O Lord.
Without You, life's a mess.
I want to know You more and more.

2010-05-18T22:35:00.002+08:00

ahhhh shucks! i figured it.
and i'm sorry.
can you forgive me please please please please pleaseeeee??
I should have been more sensitive...
it wasn't negative. I promise!
i mean, I have NEVER for one moment thought you looked unimpressive...
Really!
From the bottom of my heart,
I promise!
*puppy eyes?*

ohhh mannn... I was sooo looking forward to coffee ):
stupid ~~mouth~~ fingers

2010-05-16T01:51:00.002+08:00

I feel kinda separated. from things that i want. which is kinda good in a sense, cause it keeps me in reality. i can't really have everything that i want right... so believing that i'm kinda not suited for those things kinda keeps me humble a bit. which is good. i'm tired of being proud and having it all nice. although, the feeling's great, i've to admit. but with great gain comes also great fear of loss. so in the end, they cancel each other out. nothing is really "gain" at all. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that.

sigh... it's tough to have desires. How I wish I didn't have to like someone, or I didn't have to want things badly... isn't that so much better? there's just so much freedom in not having silly desires for silly things that can't be mine in the first place. I want that freedom back. I remember one of the best times, in J1. I didn't like anyone for a period. I was excited to serve in Church. I had a great time with my bros in Church. Had a group of really wacky guy friends too in school. And I was really into PlanetShakers and stuff, which really helped in my spiritual growth too. It was awesome. For a few months I knew I was just at the right place and at the right time. BUT all that changed in J2, starting from march hols. sigh... one thing happened after another, and now that I'm 23, it still seems that it's not gonna end. Desires are horrible.

At the end of the day, I'm still having to come to terms with that fact that only God fulfills our desires. Any other inclinations apart from Him won't really happen for us. That's the truth right in my face. Smashes my ego. Breaks my esteem. Perhaps there's where He wants me to be. Broken into pieces. I can't see any beauty at the moment. Really. My heart is cut. Maybe I'm blind too. I'm really good at messing things up in the end.

Maybe that's why studying helps. It keeps me away from the affective side of life. It keeps me in another world. In that world, I don't really have to feel or think that deeply. I just have to read, understand, write, and try to remember. It's systematic and orderly. No 2 ways about it. And I just have to keep going, topic after topic, page after page, chapter after chapter. It's nice to have routine stuff to do. Just keeps you occupied so that you forget about painful things.

And I was thinking today, how I wanna die. I mean, in all things, it's always good to have in mind how you want the end to turn out right? So yeah. I'm ruling out suicide, of course. But maybe I wanna volunteer to Afghanistan or something. In the army, there's routine. And in the heat and sweat, there really isn't room for emotions. Good for softies like me. And I get to die a noble death too, if it happens. I've always wanted to do lonely things, like, separate from the normal system of studies-work- get married-have children-etc etc-die. It's boring. really. I mean, I'd wanna get married, but I wanna do different things. And the things I have in mind, I don't think any girl would be interested anyway. sigh...

ok. I'm going on and on. should stop here. time to sleep.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
- Philippians 3:8

2010-05-13T13:46:00.002+08:00

You know, as if you didn't know,
Only God says the first three words without EVER saying the fourth.
That's why He's the most beautiful thing.
But few people ~~even bother~~ respond to such sweetness.
They say its too good to be true.
And they complain about how their lives aren't that good.
It's fear that grips the hearts of man,
Stubborn refusal of what plainly is their heart's desire.
They ~~won't~~ don't believe.
The most loving and devoted person probably hurts the most.
C'mon guys, let's put a stop to this.
We need to respond to His loving-kindness
It's not about earning a ticket to heaven
But turning back to our First Love
And telling Him that we love Him too
And really mean it from the bottom of our hearts.
With our hearts and our deeds
Let's prove to the world
What miracles true love can really do!
In the name of Jesus we ~~pray~~ Love.

2010-05-13T01:20:00.003+08:00

suddenly, the feeling's gone.
thinking about it feels kinda gross now.
do i still... ?
hmm
or maybe it's just today.

heh.

I hope God controls my desires, cause I can't really make sure I have the "right" feelings.

2010-05-10T15:43:00.006+08:00

stayed over at Ian's last night, and had a good talk about... *stuff*. yeah...

basically, I gathered that I'm not in a season of relationships.
which I feel is true.
but I just needed to hear it from someone. with authority.
like, for a clear direction or something, not just my own intuition.

so yeah. I'm glad that at least there are some lines drawn, and I have a direction in this area (:
phewww...

//

oh yea, remember that assignment I was struggling with?
I scored 86% (an A+) (:
really helped to pull up my average, although the coming exam is the real deal...

anyways, here are some screen shots of my marked paper:

this is my favourite part of the essay: the conclusion (:
you might notice errors, such as "appears to be" instead of "appear to be" (line 3)

and "voices masses" instead of "voices of the masses" (line 6).
and like, I managed to get 86 despite such errors. heh.
God is funny.

and I simply love MLK.
He was a history maker in his generation.
I wanna be like that too in mine (:

and here's my tutor's comment:

(:
it's really amazing how such a fluent essay could be produced out of a state of tiredness, weariness, sadness and struggles, and the fact that I was rushing through.
it's God's grace. really.
I'm quite amazed myself when I read it again this time after it was marked.

oh, and TMA stands for "tutor marked assignments". it just means assignments.

//

eggzams.... ahhh... I hope that my tutor's right when she said that I could do "equally well or even better in the exams." I know it's a bit far-fetching, but I'm hoping to get a GPA score of 5.0 for a couple of modules so as to pull my overall average to above 4.5, which is a First Class Honours (: my current average GPA is 4.38. (of course, to qualify for an honours I also have to do a 4th year, which, at this moment, I'm not exactly comfortable with) still, it makes sense to wanna do well right? heh. I haven't been this academically "smart" since primary school. seriously. getting A's and 80+ percentage for my work was unheard of in sec school and JC (I'm exaggerating la. there were few - very few - cases in sec school where I scored A for this or that. but definitely not in JC).

but in the end, it's God's will. I totally didn't expect to do this well in uni in the first place. cos of my O's and A's, I never really felt like I was a academically-inclined person. but I feel that ever since I came to SIM, His message to me has been that I can do it. like, how the systems in sec school and JC didn't really cater to my strengths, and how, perhaps, uni will unveil these strengths (: it touches me to know that. really. although SIM isn't exactly a good school to begin with - people won't usually put "SIM" and "academic proficiency" in the same sentence... but still, it's uni after all, and doing well in it counts! at least, that's what God's been saying to me.

you can do it, Ivan! (:

//

hehe, Ronice, this is for you (:

yeah, I have this Singapore English module, which has no exams (: that's why I chose it
so, here's how I am assessed:
TMA 1 - 20%
TMA 2 - 30 %
End of Course Assessment (ECA) - 50%

both TMA 2 and the ECA are based on a sample voice recording which I'm supposed to record. then I'm supposed to introduce and describe it in TMA 2, and analyse in detail for the ECA. which means, 80% of this module depends on Ronice!!

and, I'm proud to say that my tutor liked her speech too (:
here's her comment on my TMA 2 (:

hehe so yeah, she likes Ronice, and her background and stuff, and she gave me marks for that :P
and the reason I'm still not getting down to studying for exams is because I'm still working on the tedious ECA, which is due this Friday. but of course, I intend to submit by tomorrow, cause I wanna start studying already!

so anyways, thanks Ron (:
tag me if you read this (:
and remember I owe you ice cream (:

//

I know this post sounds like I'm bragging about my good scores and stuff, but honestly, I'm not. I just wanna share my experience with those close to me. Especially if you're a secondary school student and your teachers and parents, and even the system, are telling you that you're not smart/hardworking enough... all these voices may seem discouraging and distracting right now, but in, say 5 years, these voices will be totally irrelevant. As you grow older, you'll find that people's judgment of you changes, and only God's affirmation of you stays the same throughout.

studies... they are important. but only God tells you who you are.
do not give that right to another.

2010-05-08T02:34:00.002+08:00

everyone needs healing, and there are few who won't admit it.

only major difference is, there are those who receive it from God, and there are those who just talk (a lot) about it.

2010-05-07T14:19:00.000+08:00

2010-05-07T01:46:00.002+08:00

yes it's true (:
and I hope the time's approaching
when I can very vulnerably and rightly
say the words I've been saving all these years
words that I've determined to keep
for just one beauty in my lifetime
until,
with an esteem so silly
but a heart never less ready
finally combining heartfelt meanings
with an utterance that ring:

"May I have the honour?"

In His time. Ivan. In His time.

2010-05-05T23:08:00.003+08:00

being involved in someone's proposal (Ian's) recently has kinda made me think more about my own marriage. I've always wanted to marry young, although, I really leave it to God's timing. if He says wait till i'm 30 plus, then so be it, although I personally hope He wouldn't say that lah...

yeaaahhh... but before I get married, i go to find a girlfriend first right? and to find a girlfriend, i've got to be really good friends with *her* first ya? whoever she may be (although my sixth sense tells me a lot of people in church are already speculating...) but yeah, i'm still looking ;)

sigh.... i don't hate being single tho. in fact, i'm loving it (: but its just that at my age, i kinda have to start thinking about relationships in realistic terms, unlike school days when it's just about having crushes and whether you get to talk to her, ask her out, or who you get to hold hands with (if any). the practicality of things like saving for a HDB flat or getting a stable job etc kicks in really hard these days... something i didn't really understand as a school kid, until NS and beyond...

so yeah, my personal hope is to get married around upper-mid 20s, and have a child by 30. I don't know if that's just me, or did God place such silly numbers in my head. either ways, its really bothering me nowadays, cause i'm already 23. but say if i'm supposedly going to marry when i'm like 30 plus, then what's the point of thinking about these things now, right? that's what's confusing me. but since the nature of things is such that i'm single, and i can't exactly go up to someone and ask her out officially... at least not now, like now now. (i really don't know about this. there may well be... someone. i don't know. depends. i'm confused heh) so i guess i should just remain thankful and live my singlehood life to the fullest until something happens...

i don't know. seems like i'm a bit irresponsible right? the guy should be the one proactively seeking. well, i am. just that there's no clear "go" at this moment i suppose. so yeah. argh! ...

God please help me. I need more than just some pretty photos. give me a clear focus in my life right now, cause i don't have a clue about the stuff that's rushing inside of meee!

another part of me tells me it's coming soon (: ohh wells, we'll see.
most importantly, this song shall be my guide:

All the way my Saviour leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Yes. Jesus doeth all things well. even if I'm gonna remain single forever.
I will abide.

2010-05-04T12:46:00.002+08:00

I remember I used to swear a lot. Since primary 2.
At primary 4, I became a devil. seriously.
Cause the school bus bully went to secondary school
so I felt free from his clutches and so became the new "king"
scolding the maid, my siblings, as if I were simply breathing
I only held back when my parents came home
still, the poison I was spewing... I'll prolly own anyone I've ever known
but I'm not proud of it
though, I think its a phase everyone goes through
although, nonetheless, I think I started off a bit too young
but the good things was, by P6, I got tired of it
also cos YC had started, and I was really influenced to take God seriously
plus, even my non-Christian "bestest" friend thought I was overboard
so yeah, I had to stop.
clean record for 3 years
then, in sec 3,
one time I was utterly frustrated with my band junior(s)
"F!!!"
but since then till now, clean record (:
even in army
I remember one time in BMT, I really felt like complaining
like the rest of my section
cause it was totally frustrating, tiring, meaningless etc etc...
but somehow I held back my tongue.
God's grace.
May my tongue bring healing to a lost and dying generation.
if even I as a Christian don't uphold the truth, how much less hope have they got...

when I first watched this movie, I floated for 3 days (:
it was during NS
kinda weird how (really, really strong) feelings change, but well,
God has His plans
and He works in the desires of our hearts for His own glory (:

2010-05-04T01:34:00.002+08:00

Having watched Ip Man 2 (twice), I have been thinking a lot about Chinese culture & history. Having been in a SAP (Special Assistance Programme) school for 10 years, a lot of Chinese culture and sense of identity has been inculcated in me.

(For those who don't know, SAP schools are the rather cheena top schools that the government has preserved after wiping out the last of the Chinese-ed schools in 1987. Even then, these schools teach all examinable subjects in English, except Mother Tongue, of course. However, there are a lot of programmes and periods within our curriculum that are conducted in Chinese. Moral Education was in Chinese from P1 till Sec 2. In Catholic High, we had calligraphy lessons in sec 1 and 国画 - Chinese painting - in sec 2. We even had Confucius ethics classes throughout lower sec...)

I know... it's really cheena right? Our school song is also in Chinese, heh.

But I loved it. I was trained to understand the importance of Chinese as a language. But beyond that, I was taught to be embrace the essence of Chinese culture and morality. It wasn't just a language or an art. It was identity. Like, in Church, where there's MGs and ACs all over, and it's like a matter of fact thing where people just do poorly for Chinese... No one really understands the depth of Chinese, feel proud of it, or appreciate it as much as I do... sigh... Even though I don't really use Chinese in everyday life, I made sure I did pass it during my 'O's and 'A's.

I really enjoy Chinese thought, or philosophy. A majority of it is biblical. Like, starkingly. Like, how there is continuity in history, or that there is an order of things that should be actively preserved by us stubborn humans... "Education" is not a means to know things or get a good job. It is about moral values, life lessons, identity, getting the bigger picture, and realising that we don't know that much after all. That's why our 课本 is all about stories. We learn best about life when we read about how good people past and present have lived theirs. It is in this context that we are (supposedly) taught the language.

I really love Chinese ideals. They're pure in essence, but practiced legalistically by our ancestors. That's why Confucianism has become such a rigid stupid thing. Its not supposed to be that way, if you even take a peek in the Classics. Taoism - it isn't even a religion in its original essence. Buddhism - its not even Chinese. At this point, I'd like to just briefly state that a lot of Chinese written sources match the Old Testament of the Bible. My ancestors, at one point while already identifying themselves as Chinese, knew God!

That's why I'm adamant to keep up with Chinese. I'm interested in the language, southern dialects such as Canto and Teochew (Mandarin is really but a dialect in northern China, made compulsory only because Beijing is the capital and the government officials speak it), history, culture etc. But ultimately, I'm still on the journey to figure out why God created me to be a Chinese - and one who is in Singapore at that.

I believe the reason is not simple. I believe it's the key to my destiny.
O wells, who knows, I may save China one day (:

2010-05-03T00:46:00.002+08:00

This weekend was tiring, but awesome.
In encounter, in spiritual battles, in relationships, in duty.
God is awesome.
There is none like You.

For all that's happened on Saturday, thank You Lord.
It was amazing.
From the seat to the proposal.
I think I know what to do...
Soon (:

2010-05-01T23:54:00.002+08:00

In the end, all of history will be summed up in 2 words: God wins.
- Joel Wong

Being emo is the most selfish thing, because all that really matters is how you feel.
- Ian Wong

2 amazing brothers I'll forever be grateful for. (:

Congratulations, Ian (:

2010-04-30T02:32:00.002+08:00

IthinkI'maddictedto you

sheesh... Just thinking...

How are you doing? What's running through your mind? Are you comfortable? Are you stressed?

sigh... I can solve every problem but this...ohhhsillyme

2010-04-30T02:04:00.002+08:00

Lord, You have been kind to me.
You did not give me riches
You did not give me a genius mind
You did not give me fame
But You gave me a heart.
Your heart.

I did not have friends in my darkest hour, so I learnt to be concerned.
I did not have money to buy food sometimes, so I learnt to give.
I was not able to control how others viewed me, so I learnt to persevere.

Your fire refines my heart as gold. Now I understand.
Now, I pray "give me a pure heart" with a much deeper seriousness.
I know it does not come easy.
But You are good and faithful. Your love reaches to the heavens.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
- Matthew 5:8

2010-04-28T01:39:00.004+08:00

gonna send aaron off tmr.
so fast.
it was my turn 4 yrs and 5 months ago (i was dec batch)
and now, i'm seeing someone who was sec 2 at that time i went in. heh
maybe 4 yrs later he'll say the same about... wei en? or arms... that batch of guys

which brings me back to army days.
up till now, it's still unclear why certain things had to happen...
in the making of a better man.
it's not an all smooth journey.
the tears, emotions, and all the ARGH moments.
wishing i had a girlfriend (stupid but real, cos we're all desperate)
wishing someone was there (LOLs that's soooo yesterday)
wishing someone texted me during the day
cause it totally - pardon me - sucks when no one remembers.
even for a day.
cause its just so dreadful.
and lonely. which is the worst part.
its not imagined. its real. physically detached from everything i loved.
Wish I had a better resolve.
but in my human nature when the atmosphere is the least "conducive" for worshiping God
I went along my human ways
doing what broken and lonely people do.

literally, no one can be there for you when you need someone.
really. no one can. really...
that is, until... you realise that God is there.
He was there. He has been there.
And it was He who didn't give up on me, even when I ran away.

I remember it was Pastor Sam's sermon.
In my confusion, guilt, desperation, loneliness...
He preached a message that gave me the strength to stand
And believe that I'm okay and good, because God has given me grace
And I remember the verse till this day:

For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again... (NKJV)
The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. (NLT)
for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again... (NIV)
- Proverbs 24:16

That's right. Even the righteous and godly fall. Many times. But what sets them apart is that they rise each time.

Thank you Pastor Sam. Thank You Jesus.

The temptations may come, and you may find yourself weak in certain areas. But it's part and parcel of learning and growing to finally becoming a man after God's own heart.

So, Aaron, brave the storm. God bless you. I believe in you.

2010-04-27T00:24:00.005+08:00

bought a new journal, finally! (:
now i can continue writing heartfelt stuff and spew names all over heh :P
guess who themed my first entry
you'll know it if you know me well enough ;)

//

good good friend, sheep, sister, my little girl (:
in acknowledgment of your being a blessing in my life
thanks for the times, especially... *the usual place*
appreciate your ears, your heart, and just being around
Some persons I like, and there are some whom I simply need
definitely, God is the ultimate One whom I ultimately need.
but He places key people in our lives to teach us about relationships
and you quinky little fella taught me more than any scholar ever could
on lessons reaching deep into my heart
all in just the person that you are
(:
(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

2010-04-26T00:15:00.002+08:00

Family Camp.
Brings back memories. Which is why I'm excited!

But also, many things have changed.
I guess the dynamics this time will be different.
But it's nobody's fault really.
Things change.
Only God remains the same (:

But I can feel it coming.
The power.
The healing.
The difference.
And it will be good.

The evidence of God's presence in all of us:
The old makes way for the new and better!
Christ shall be our unity.
In God we trust.

The tide is turning, this is redemption's hour.
Family Camp.
WOOTS!

2010-04-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

The prove of a man is in his ability to inspire the next generation with the battle scars that once hurt so deeply, but after time came to be a symbol of survival and dominance.

Love costs. That's why few uphold it till the end.
And may I be that few.

He who strives for honour shall lay down his right to self gain, and pick up his shield to fend for the weak and his beloved, and his sword to slice the guts out of all who work against this purpose.

Be a man, Ivan.

Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.

I shall be a master.

2010-04-22T23:00:00.004+08:00

don't really believe in settling personal and relational things online
cause when I say things close to my heart I really wanna look the person in the eye
and with as much comfort I can offer say how I value certain things
cause a good 90% or so of communication happens with our body language

till then, just know that:
its just me dealing with me,
dying to all that is me
in the hope that Christ will one day rescue me.

2010-04-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

Can't focus on assignment. 2000 words due on Sunday. Original target was to finish by friday so that I can focus on the weekend. But seems like I've to delay till saturday.

sigh... I keep feeling the raging within my spirit. Its like, I can't focus on anything other than wanting to cry for help... its like I keep crying and crying, and healing comes, and I still keep pressing in and needing more... singing song after song, trying to reconnect to His presence... The pathway of worship is paved with perseverance.

But its a good place to be I guess, cause it definitely beats being occupied with gaming addiction or lustful temptations. But still, the groanings are real. Trying to figure what He is saying in this season. I'm banking on His provision, cos if this goes on I don't know whether I can finish my work on time.

One thing good, tho, is that projects are ending, so no work already. Good and bad. I've got time to do schoolwork and other stuff, but also... no pay D:

so here's what my assignment looks like after 1 whole thursday's worth of effort at around 10 plus in the night:

For a larger view:

I know... I'm so dead right? Losing to hardworking secondary school kids who can whip up an essay in 1 hour in the middle of the night just to make sure they don't get into trouble with their teachers the next day.

I need to be saved. Daily.

2010-04-22T19:44:00.002+08:00

Thanks Nicole (: your comment was encouraging.
Thanks for regarding me well,
but I don't think I'm the kind of leader you said I am.
Wanna be like me? hehe
I wanna be like you! :P

2010-04-22T15:59:00.002+08:00

this just moved me to tears. especially the first boy and the volleyball girl part.
my heart just sank when I saw the way the boy ran and cried.
must have been hard on him.

This made me think a lot about fathers.
The special place they have in their children's hearts.
I guess many of us don't treasure our fathers as much as those whose dads faced risk daily.

Maybe that's why God placed difficulties in our lives.
Maybe that's why things are so difficult.
Treasures are realised for what they are through tears.

2010-04-22T01:28:00.004+08:00

Lord, I need You. Every moment of my life. I'm desperate for Your touch.
My world isn't falling. It has already fallen.
My hopes aren't faint. They cannot be seen.
My path is undone... I can't even see the next step.

So I just stay here, right where I am.
I don't know where to go, or what to reach out to.
Those who know me well know that I'm going through stuff.
Thing is, I don't even know how to explain anything.

The fire is raging. The battle is costly.
I need faith, for all my senses have failed me.
Please, Jesus, please don't pass me by...
In You alone, O Lord, I place my trust.

Cause Your name is a strong and mighty tower.
Your name is a shelter like no other.
Your name, let the nations sing it louder.
Cause nothing has the power to save, but Your name.

If there's one thing I did right, even just one, then surely it is this:
That I did not build my own kingdom, for I have nothing.
I gained nothing... but a truckload of scars, and stories of scars.

2010-04-20T18:26:00.002+08:00

was nice talking again after all these months.
really missed "those times"
but everyone has moved on since then
its a delight to see how far you've come

sigh... i wish i knew how to handle everything.
but at least it was encouraging
to receive help when I needed welcoming
just wish I didn't have to take everything to heart

but its only cause some things just mattered to me so much

2010-04-19T14:26:00.002+08:00

Its the wisest and most foolish thing at the same time.

Ohhh I've been having the fiercest emotional battle since army days... argh! The thoughts and impulses just keep replaying and replaying and replaying, such that I have to remind myself that I'm in class and should watch my own facial expression, my posture and overall body language so as not to frighten the kids. So I look away and create some space for myself to indulge in my battle and cries. Raging and raging, my feelings toss like a hurricane. Yet, I maintain the discipline to keep this to myself and not be overtly expressive about it. I'm madly emotional and logically sound at the same time.

You're having a go at your dreams and happiness
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but
I wish I still had the same value
Its salt in a wound that was supposed to be covered by dependence
Now, only I am the dependent one

Its childish, cos that's what a child would say. I'm a man hello?? 23 years old. Yet I'm craving for attention like a child.

Your gaze and smile pass me by
To another who's better at returning them
I don't know whether you're playing games or sincere
But I'd go for sincerity cause I don't believe you're into playing games
Sincerity, that is, not for me to receive

I lose. I fail at etiquettes. I mess genuine concern with insecurities. Its so hard to face people and smile when most of the time I'm bothered by something. I don't understand how some people do it so well. Its not like their lives are totally smooth. Playing computer games kicks the strategy in a bit, but it only delays the battle. I must have appeared so weird. I'm weird I guess. Its not a simple resignation. Its something I've tried really hard disbelieving, but I can't. I've usually been the misfit. From primary school till now. I've been made fun of, bullied, ostracised, humiliated, called names, yet I'm stupid enough not to blame anybody. I just keep to myself or cry to the toilet bowl. I'm a misfit.

My heart is shattered. I wanna scream, but I don't want anyone to hear. I don't want pity or concern. I only want that which I had lost or failed to deserve. Its simple. But its also so difficult. And then I wonder how I can lose sleep at retreat, and have the strength to go for meetings and services, play for worship, drive and talk to people, wake up and go to work on time and do everything in its allocated time, while inside me everything is in chaos. Everything. I don't even have an appetite. So the next thing, the only thing, I know to do... is to listen to worship songs.

I don't know why, but in all my sadness and pain, I take comfort in singing
my soul magnifies the Lord
or
You are my Rock in times of trouble.

Its words that lift me for a moment. I feel so stupid. Even in my worshipping. I mean, who is God? Or where is He? How do I know that I need Him? But I'll die if I don't sing them. That, I can't be more sure about. I'll really die. I don't know what else can give me even such a hint of consolation. I feel silly. But at least I get to escape for a while, genuinely.

Its foolishness in its climax. But its the wisest thing I know.

2010-04-18T20:54:00.003+08:00

Lord I surrender.

All the pains, disappointments, desires, dreams, hopes, plans, talents... even my next breath, I surrender to You. I'm tired of wanting to have my way all the time.

I surrender all my relationships, the strained and difficult ones. They are Yours to redeem. Even if You don't, You are still God, and I will abide. I learnt that it is not about what, who or how to change, but its about changing myself. My attitudes, my dependence on You, my spiritual walk, my desires, my priorities etc. Although it hits the hardest when it comes to the ones who are closest, I believe that when I look back in years to come, I will be thankful. Your love endures forever!

I am also thankful for certain things that did turn out well (: Certain people I can talk to, brothers and sisters who can listen, and who dare to tell me that I'm wrong and need to change, or who gently advice me to see things differently. People who may not seem really close at first, but when the rubber hits the road, they're just there (: And the encouragement they give... I'm so glad I can say this about... :P hehe!!!

Yeah, and the BIG issue, or so it seems... I TOTALLY take my hands off. I don't want to control. I want to be led by God. From my motivations to my actions, let everything be littered with the will and fingerprints of God Himself. In fact, He is the One. And whoever He sends my way should be pointing to that truth.

Cell retreat was awesome. Really. Awesome. Lord, You love us. You care for us and You pursue us with a fierce passion! I love You Lord. Let nothing come in between us, I pray. No idols. Give me a pure heart. I lift my soul up to You alone. Consume my total being, Jesus take control. I want to be lost in Your love forevermore.

2010-04-14T12:45:00.004+08:00

John 4:35
Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

As I searched God's Word for an answer this morning, I came upon this line, and it clicked! I have been surrounded by problems and issues that are immediate. And its amazing that God's answers don't always cater to the problem. Rather, He takes my eyes off them. Here it is, plain and simple: "Look at the fields!"

Having difficulty with relationships? Look at the fields!
Having trouble at home? Look at the fields!
Need healing in your heart? Look at the fields!

The good news for us is that God has prepared a harvest in every situation. If only we'd take our eyes off our petty issues and look outwardly - at the fields! What a great provision!

Yes, Lord. I will focus on Your harvest. Only You can bring me consolation and encouragement. As always. I shouldn't depend on anyone. Only You, God. Thank You so much that I can worship You even in the storm! Pheeewww! Isn't He amazing?

I have found exceeding joy
Jesus answered when I called
This name that has saved me
Pure love that embraced me

Mercy, grace, eternal life
Bought from darkness to His light
While lost in my sin, He
Raised me and made me live

My soul magnifies the Lord
My heart joys in God my Saviour
For He lifts the lowly
And He's done great things for me
I will sing, praising evermore
He is mighty, and holy is His name

I will lift my head up high
Praising Jesus through each trial
Though I have not seen Him
I love Him completely

2010-04-14T00:55:00.002+08:00

Its the moment I've been waiting for.

But first, Father, Your will be done.

If it hurts You, stop me, somehow.

Bless me if it glorifies You.

To Your will alone I surrender.

Amen.

Its about time I bought a new journal. Need to pen down stuff that I can't explicitly write in here.

2010-04-13T01:25:00.002+08:00

I get scared when I have free time...

Cos it means time is in my hands, and I have to make choices that decided whether the time spent at the end of the day was worthwhile. I always look forward to free days, cos its one chance to ask... nevermind.

But when it comes to the day itself, I'm afraid. I feel lost. I don't know who to call, what opportunities I'll miss if I take a certain step. If I do A, maybe I should have done B. If I did B, maybe I should have done C. There have been days when I totally felt wasted and drained with regret, simply because I wasn't satisfied with the things I did or the people I hung out with.

I wanna call some people whom I really wanna talk to, but I'm afraid they'll reject, or else they are too busy. Then I'll call some others, and then I don't get to spend the kind of quality time I had hoped to. And I can't stay at home, and I don't want to. My space is limited to the hall, literally, a circumference of 2 steps. My bed is the sofa, and my com is just 2 tables away. No, I don't wanna stay home. I wanna go out. But who and where? I'm desperate. For some direction.

I like free time. I get to sleep more. I get to do some things that I like. But its really scary.

Father, I dunno how You'll answer this prayer, but would You please give me an amazing day tomorrow? I know I need something, but I don't know exactly what. But lead me to the place, where it is the exact place You want me to be, the exact people that You're pleased with me to spend time with, and the things available that You're most want me to do.

I need You Lord. I surrender tomorrow to You. Amen.

It affects my side of the friendship 'cause everything seems awkward... EVERYTHING! Down to the hi's and what comes after that, and the comments and the complements, and the smiles and the humour, and all the hints, thoughts and guesses I have to make... I feel so torn. I'm worn out. I feel so fake and lousy with no one encouraging me rightly. I wanna die. I need to die. No longer I... No longer I... but Christ. Deny yourself, Ivan. Take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Sometimes, I wish I had a committed personal friend-leader whose advice would move me to tears cos its just so clear and simple and to the point.

2010-04-11T23:43:00.003+08:00

Ohhh Lord, You're the last person I wanna pit myself against.
Do I make a move?
Do I pretend and ignore?
Do I flip the page for another?
I'd like to know what pleases You most.
So at least give me an answer.
And give me the right heart.
Amen.