hahaha have a good laugh !

??

wow this is wicked...

these totally cracked me up

its about time love messages like this are dedicated to you, God.
i guess there's none that can be there for me like you.
i remember 4 years ago, about this time, i was at the worst point in my life. ending my life never seemed so attractive an option. but You sustained me. through my loneliness and tears You walked with me and built me up to what i am today.
You've added many people to my life since then. some i'm closer to, some i'm not, some i'm not so close to anymore, and so on. in essence, You've added companionship into my life.
but in times like today, i come back to realise that the dry loneliness doesn't really leave me. sure my friends are good to talk to. sure its good to have people to think about and make plans around. but i always come back to the place where i'm reminded that at the end of it all, this road that i'm walking is between You and me only.

its You and i against the world, after all (:
i love You, Lord.
and bless ALL my relationships so that Your glory can be seen through each one of them(:



and you. i think you're really beautiful and approachable and friendly, and i'm captivated by the person that you are. but i don't know if i'm up to it. i feel like i'm ready. i'm 23. of cos its not just a matter of age. but yeah, i think i'm ready, but i'm still hesitant. i don't think God has any objections to anything at this point, but i think i should continue to wait for a wee bit longer. wanna take some time to build closer ties on the friendship level. i think our friendship as of now is good, but i'd like to, erm, know you better and stuff. hope to be able to ask you out soon(:

(:

i'm like that most of the time

not to us, but to Your Name be the glory

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

one day i wanna try stuff like this

talked to her today. just gave me one more reason to smile (:

haha april thanks for shopping with me. guess i need some feminine advice when it comes to clothes and fashion, cos i'm kinda poor at it... at least not where i want myself to be. and thanks also for being so supportive! haha! you saw that brief exchange riiiightttt? hahaha!

14 blades was great ! chinese movies are seriously getting better (: okay i've officially removed my absolute bias that hollywood beats chinashows. still, i think that chinese movies need to really improve on their CGI. seriously. it spoils the whole mood even if the storyline is good.

cos that’s when my life changes the most.

tumblr is so filled with lust. not in the sexual sense, though there are indeed some, but more primarily in the aesthetique sense. there's just soooo much nice pictures/quotes etc to be obsessed about. i need to control myself. i hope its only because i'm new.

good things i did today:
1. committed to pay $38 on a monthly basis to Singapore Heart Foundation.
2. returned the phone
all thanks to Love Revolution.its bringing out the kind soul in me.

"Real love is costly" - Joyce Meyer

but i made mistakes too.

when i force myself not to think about you, my mind occupies itself with other rubbish.
lust, ambition and pride. i don't knock on the door for these junk. i didn't place any orders. they just come as they please. perhaps its just... the world that we live in today. here's how i define lust:

lust = all pleasure, no warmth

after jogging, i was reaaalllyyy tired. and as i rested, i started to think about you again, and warmth just filled my heart. all the rubbish just fade away and become insignificant. so i guess its good to have someone to think about after all (:


but just as it seems all nice and sweet, reality sets in. you're not mine. and i can tell that you've got many suitors. and i can't help but ask how worthy am i anyway. and i don't like competition when it comes down to personal things like this. i'm afraid of losing. that's why i tell myself not to think so much. and the cycle continues.


ok enough. i need to occupy myself with healthy things to do. ha!
i'm going shopping with april tmr. need to get a tiger shirt for sat's youth cell cny dinner :D
sounds like a plan. a healthy one. (:

to end the day off, just wanna share this song that is giving me strength for the day (:

i always thought i belonged to the dangerous side of life.

slept only between 530 am and 630 am this morning (last night). the maggi goreng was rumbling in my tummy. tormented by 2 mosquitoes, the latter of which i finally killed by 530 am. a flurry of thoughts that ran through my mind all night long. (was it due to the caffaine?) and tumblr is addictive and thought provoking. shouldn't tumblr just before bed. seriously.

its 3 plus in the afternoon. good night world.

and i don't regret the goreng (:

this totally reminds me of... you.

wisdom is what i need... desperately. a thousand times i've failed already...

this reminds me of the song At the Foot of the Cross. beautiful.



thank You, Lord, for this is the day You have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

she's a bug. i think i really put her off enough so she won't bug me again. its nice talking by and large, but not with all those dirty ideas in between. you know that once you turn on that switch in a guy its hard to turn it off? i had to pray like power hour style so that i could sleep last night... but i also can't blame her. maybe she doesn't know enough good guys. i might well be the only one. but still, i won't compromise. i have too much to lose.

and i found this phone in the taxi today. belongs to some foreign girl, maybe philippino, so says the driver. from the screen saver pics, it seems like she's working in some sleazy industry, like a pub or something. went to browse her pics, and there were pictures of her hometown (i suppose), with kids, elderly, presumably her family and friends. i think its kinda sad that she travelled all the way here just to do this job. i'm thinking of her hometown guy... must have his heart broken ttm. mine would, if my girl did such a thing. but who knows, she might be desperate for money. who's to be blamed?

just as i was thinking these things at makan place while reading the book Love Revolution, the author was saying "He (God) seems to have a special place in His heart for people who are lonely and have no one to take care of them. God helps the afflicted, and secures justice for the poor and needy." and a few sentences later, "now ask yourself what you are personally doing for them?"

i'm returning her phone tomorrow.
tho, it was some chinese man that called the phone. he said he's a "friend". so perhaps he's in the business also. perhaps her employer.

oh God, rescue her. and many other girls like her too, who do not know they were created to be worn as a crown. and please raise up God-ly men who would rise up to defend and protect the women and children, weak and poor, instead of preying on them like worldly men do. let these men rise up to conquer lust and pride, and to spread justice over their respective domains. help me be like one of these men. i wanna run after Your own heart.

didn't even get to say hi on *that* day :(

found this on ronice's blog and its so true (:

Thank You

Thank You, Lord, for always shielding my heart from flaming arrows.
Thank You for showing me mercy when I least deserve it.
Thank You for the handful whom You've entrusted to me, that even if the world turned against me I can still count on them.
Thank You for going through it first, and then now showing me a glimpse of what it feels like to be You.
Guess I should take it more seriously the next time I sing "I want to be like Jesus", cos it sure costs.
And thank You, Father, for Your glorious and eternal love for me.
Amen.

Happy v-day, Dad. I love you too.


Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. - John 8:36

oh, and i think our plan (your plan actually hehe) isn't gonna come to pass... sigh... but its ok. shouldn't make important decisions based simply on a "special" date...

thanks for being such a supportive friend anyways. on this valentines, its rewarding to know that although there's no romance to look forward to, at least there are friendships to treasure (: friendships are also about love yea? (: so yupp, thanks for all you've done ! (: MUSTTALKSOONOKAYYYY

and to all my close friends, whom i shan't list cos there's a chance i'll miss out somebody, just wanna say a big "iloveyouuuu" on this very special lovely day (: i hope God will bless our relationships and may our friendships grow stronger in the coming year !

happy v-day, again (:

would you be my valentine?

its v-day again :(

i remember since sec 1, i told myself each year that "by next year, i need to have a girlfriend". that's so that i won't feel lonely and left out. to make things worse, i pass by orchard on my way home. by JC, i kinda grew out of it, cos by then i knew God had a plan for me, and i don't "need" a girlfriend to be fulfilled. but as i grew older, having a girl/boyfriend seems more and more normal amongst my friends, and being single seems more and more out-of-place. still, i know that i'm set apart from this world, and the culture of the world is not my portion. nonetheless, i have a longing. and its a good thing.

i don't need a girlfriend, but i desire one.

and ohhhh.... sec 1 was 10 years ago !! O.o i'm old.

to all who are single, happy valentine's (: and 恭喜发财 !

hey, i watched you grow up. today, when i saw you at dinner, i realised you looked so much like your mum, and you're becoming prettier (: it always delights me to see you. for one, you really resemble someone whom i've liked before. not that i like you in that way (we're blood related) but it just that it makes my heart so much more tender towards you, cos of your personality and such.

you know, it really saddened my heart to suddenly hear you throw an "f" when you lost a game just now. you're supposed to be a treasure in the family. you are a treasured sister to me, and i try to show that each time our families gather. maybe you're growing older, and in a girls school culture is just as such, but i hope and pray to God that you will be different. and i hope that one day you will enter into a glorious relationship with our true Father, who has created you to be a princess (:

Lord, I pray that in this Chinese New Year I will get to shine Your light into my family and friends. may they grow one step closer to knowing You cos they have seen me living out in light. and I pray for her, whom You've placed so deeply in my heart, that she'll realise what a treasure she is in Your sight and put off the ways of the world. would you cover her, O Lord. win her over.

I love you, Sushan.

you.aRe.sUPerGLuEd.tO.My.hEaD.

i'm so longing for the next time i get to see you, but then when i do i'll be so lost and i'll try.to.act.natural.but.then.inside.me.i'm.pumping.like.crazy....... and then i'll long for the next time we get to meet again.

haha kelsie said that even your unglam photos look pretty ! (i AGREEEE!)sigh... but still must remain friends, until God on high who knows it all and sees the bigger picture gives me the green light. and i'm only afraid that it won't be you in the end, which means that i'll just be wasting my emotions today......

hahaha this vid is cute (:





i think its a really catchy and creative way of reaching out to the average singaporean with regards to raising awareness the SARS virus. so much better than the mrt one we see today. (sigh...) when the p4 kids today asked me what's singapore music, as opposed to caribbean, european, chinese, indonesian, indian etc etc, i showed them this video as an example. i think its perfectly and uniquely singapore, with local flavours such as "lah" and "tahan". only singaporeans can understand this LOR :D

we've been friends these many years. i remember how several years ago we were able to talk and laugh and share deeper things. but somehow as we grew older, you began to change, such that today, i don't really know even how to say hi to you. i still treasure you as a friend. you know, it pained me when you couldn't reach your dreams in uni, and i was happy when i heard that you had found a path to fulfil your dream, although i don't say it. cos i really don't know how.

it really pains me to see things like that. i don't really blame you for changing, for that's what growing up is supposed to be about i guess. and you're still serving God in church, so i suppose you're still okay overall. but how i wish i could tell you that i really want to be friends like before. maybe i'm being overly sentimental about friendships and you might think that i should move on. maybe i don't understand what you're going through. i don't think i do anyway. but i'll continue praying to God to restore this friendship that really meant a lot to me, especially during my army days. He's restored relationships in my life before, and i'm trusting Him to do the same to this one.

doing the right thing

whoa whoa i feel like some charity mascot...

today in the train, an old man led a blind lady into the mrt train, but no one gave up their seat (what a shame!)... so i told jianing "wah ugly singaporean!" with my voice raise a bit so that people around will hear. there was this middle aged man, looks malay, besides us who tilted his head as if to see who's saying it.

me: "should i do something about it?"
jianing: *gestures that i should*
me: "its the right thing to do right?"
jianing: "mmm" (in agreement)

so i "excused me" my way to the row of seats and asked the people sitting if anyone wanted to give up their seat.

me: "erm anyone want to give up your seat to these two?"

chinaman: stare at me as if i was speaking alien language (like you couldn't see those two standing in front of you, *******) thank God i'm a Christian with self control or i would have hurled unpleasant words in Mandarin

a young man few seats away: immediately got up, which makes me wonder what's with his lack of initiative, or was he just plain blur

man sleeping: got up immediately after the chinaman bumped him while standing up

and then...

blind lady: "its ok, its ok" (what do you mean its ok! i'm not doing it for you really, but for righteousness sake!)

old man: 谢谢你

me: 不用谢。是因该得。

确实是因该得！哪管给这些可恶烂态度的臭小子面子！

back to channel 5...

after the two of them sat and i turned and walked back to jianing, the malay guy gave me a thumbs up ! haha so he was watching the whole thing, including my conversation with jianing.

jianing: "so how does it feel?"
me: "rewarding."

that was rewarding. i don't really blame the china guy, cos after all he's a foreigner in our country and is still in the "survivor" mentality. its a very chinese thing, selfish and family-ish, like how many chinese aunties always rush for seats and forcing their kids to sit down if not other people will take their seat. i'm angry and empathetic at the same time. its ridiculous, but i also can't point a finger at them - they know not love cos little has been shown to them.

which increases the responsibility of Christians like me, who have received much and ought to give much. that is why i felt what i did was VERY significant, because to those who witnessed my display of kindness, i have invalidated their excuse that they do not know what love looks like, because i have just given them a glimpse.

another experiencial point is that i realised the importance of rubbing righteousness into one another. for this case, i had a friend to support me in the situation, which kinda rubbed courage into me to do the difficult but right thing. also, i had to rise up in some way cos i felt responsible to her, a younger girl who is watching to see what a Christian young man believes and does. i hope she was impacted (:

tho, i have done similar things in the mrt before when i was alone - i asked a little girl WHO WAS SITTING ON THE PRIORITY SEAT to give it up to an old lady standing right beside her. she went up to her mother who was standing nearby, and the mum stared at me. in my heart, i was like WHOA, YOU STILL GOT THE CHEEK TO STARE ME IN THE EYE, BECAUSE OF PARENTS LIKE YOU YOUNG CHILDREN ARE BEING SPOILT, YOU ********!!!!!! but for her daughter, i believe she has learnt from that incident, and she'll be one step further away from becoming like her mother, i hope!

sigh, rich singapore, ugly singaporeans. i've never felt so important in upholding noble values in public before, cos it seems that there're so few of us. i hope i'm not alone.

oh and as i approached home, i held the door for this really old indian lady who asked me to as she slowly walked through it, after which i gave her my hand at her request and led her to the nearby seat.

helping people. doesn't make me feel like i'm being me.
but i know its the right thing to do.

phew submitted my paper on time (:

oh Lord, why did you make her so... JAW-DROPPING stunningly beautifully HOT? (it sounds pretty much surface but its not. i just don't wanna saound all mushy here)

bleah... can't let emotions get the better of me... oh God please help me focus...


and you, yes you (: you're not immature (: you can't get off my mind too sometimes (: sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good wayyy... still, you're not immature (: in fact you're very mature to be able to see school, church etc the way you do (: yupp WANNA TALK TO YOU SOON !

very interesting day today.

had a nap in the afternoon, and i dreamt of lee kuan yew visiting my family for a meal! haha how cool is that. he was sitting beside me at the table, and his bodyguards some distance away, and we talked, like a family hahaha!

had dinner at makan place with dad and mum. didn't really want to be there with them, but as i thought, it was a good opportunity to connect. its like, the whole school atmosphere doesn't quite fit with parents being around. BUT, as i considered the people i adore and how i would want to spend time with them, i realised that my parents would actually feel the same way towards me! i mean, if i had a son, i'd like to spend time with him, talk to him, bring him up in a way so that girls will chase after him etc, right?? and if i have a daughter, i'll sooooo cherish her and lavish on her and bring her out and tell her how pretty she is, but i won't spoil her tho. so yea i sat there "guai-ly" with them.

and, in the light of my balancing work and school and night meetings in church, which is becoming intense, i figured that compared to many of my classmates who are working full time, have kids etc, i'm quite well off. i should cherish my place in uni, and the privilege of having more time to handle my responsibilities.

assignment due in less than 23 hours, and i'm still less than halfway through. but i have it all planned out. will mad rush from 2-11pm tomorrow. thankfully, i got the night free. oh Lord, please help me. You are in control.

almost all my nights are taken up. mondays school, alternate tuesdays youth core, wed school/jyc meetings, friday cell. and i'm waking up before sunrise every single weekday. i'm surprised i've survived so far. in fact, i'm tuning into the rhythm. tomorrow's crunchtime. it'll show whether this lifestyle is suitable. i know it'll turn out alright. God's grace is upon me.

ohhhh this peace that surpasses understanding, it arouses my curiosity. i haven't felt so spiritual for so long. maybe it because i'm going through a tough phase, so God's grace is more tangible in times like this.

and sunday's v-day (:

i'm amazed at how much peace i'm having despite the piling responsibilties that are amounting.

just this morning , i managed to finish doing the bulletin in time to go for worship practice. it all started last night when i was preparing for my usher duty, taking my usher shirt and putting it in my bag, before remembering that i needed to do the jyc bulletin which i totally forgot about ! for a split second, a heavy weight of stress rested on my shoulders. but i quickly planned for the morning, asking dad and mum if we could leave home at 8 instead, cos chao requested that worship prac started at 9am sharp! you know, problems cease to be when we respond with providing solutions. immediately, i felt phew and proud of myself that i didn't just go to bed sulking and thinking what a mad rush sunday morning's gonna be.

then there's assignment, which is due in like 48 hours. i'm less than halfway through, but i just felt that since today is sunday, i shouldn't bother myself with week-ish stuff, cos its the sacred Sabbath. i brought my heavy book and laptop, but didn't use them. after YC, i had jyc meeting, played grabble with sharon and may, and watch the most interesting game of carrom ever ! chao and tany vs matthew and benwu. so many near-wins and hilarious misses hahahaha but ultimately tany and chao won with a fine touch! back to assignment, i'm still working on it, but no stress, in spite of the fact that i need to wake up at 530 tmr and work till 12 and come home tired, skip my usual nap and continue doing till its time to go for classes in the evening, and then after classes come home and do till late again then tues wake up at 515!!! zzz BUT still, there's just such a strong presence of peace in my heart. love you God! thank you so much! You're so amazing, everyday to the next!

phhheeewwww...

oh, and we're good (:
the amount of sleep i lost and the amount of agonising i went through cannot be compared to the joy out of that "five minutes". that was really important to me, and your response just threw that heavy mountain-load of burdens into the sea. thanks (: you matter a lot.

quote of the day: girls are important, but friendships matter wayyy more.

thank You Lord. You are faithful, and You work all things together... for my good.

before just about a year ago, i never gave much thought to you, except, at times, sighing about what a concern you were as you went about your own immature ways.

today, you can't seem to get off my mind... in every good and wonderful sense.

just went jogging, and God gave me a revelation:
one of the founding values of YC is that it should be a place where it is safe to make mistakes. therefore, it is in line with our values that we be open and honest with each other about our good and bad, successes and mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, joys and woes etc etc. in order to make sure YC is a safe place, there shouldn't be judgement whenever someone opens up to share, but rather grace. by this grace i live, and in this grace i trust. whoa... i feel good already (:



i had an interesting conversation with chifai about my birthday...
Chi Fai says:
good good
any goals or resolution this year?
Ivan [2010] says:
not sure
never thought about it
Chi Fai says:
haha, should have one
Ivan [2010] says:
haha ok i think about it


i should seriously consider some goals this year...
1. girlfriend?
2. girlfriend?
3. girlfriend?
its not working...

haha jkjk i shall SERIOUSLY CONSIDER before posting (:

i couldn't sleep last night, cos i was thinking and thinking and thinking...

i suppose you were tired, cos you kept running and running and running...

When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all


If there's ever one thing I need, its forgiveness.
I need You, Saviour.

sigh... my bad. i know you're frustrated.

i've been thinking about how to say this all week, so i'm writing it down in case i forget. i'll also make it a point to talk face to face.

i was at my weakest point, and i really wanted to pour out. some of what was said were exaggerated, especially the extreme ones. i felt lousy, so in that state i wanted to prove how lousy i was, which was a bad idea. that was a battle. BUT, the other half of the story, which i didn't mention, is that beyond what i was going through, the fire of victory burns in me, so i don't give in to the thoughts/feelings. they leave as soon as they come. i don't know who invented them, but i'm adament about being a light and teacher of the Word, and i know after the battle i'll be stronger. as a close friend, i wanted you to see how i faced my giants. not a pretty sight, i admit.

just observe me in the weeks to come, and you'll know that i'm good.

emo

i used to think valentine's day was lonely. but my birthday's worse.

i feel like i'm growing old alone. don't really have anyone to share my sentimental thoughts and experiences with. its a good place to be though. not that i enjoy pitying myself - i don't - but i guess loneliness has a certain kind of good in it, though its hard to point out exactly what. for one, it brings me closer to God. adam was lonely in the garden, and things were supposed to be perfect. so loneliness isn't "evil" in that sense.

was emo-ing at NP/SIM today, cos tomorrow's my birthday, yet i dont really know who's gonna be excited for me. i don't expect anyone to be really, and i don't blame anyone. almost teared at makan place. this song kept ringing in my head:

When I look into Your holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround me become shadows in the light of You

I worship You
I worship You
The reason I live is to worship You


worshipping alone. no one else understands. no one else interferes. its a good place to be.

she's beautiful, sweet, nice, mature, godly, fit, just about everything nice... but i think we'll just remain friends for now (:

i'm sick and i'm still dreaming about beauty.

seems like nothing can tear my heart.

He is my defence.

(:

frustration and masters

frustration. the product of the realisation of one's inability to find solutions to one's questions and problems.

everyone with a thinking mind asks the question "why". few, however, understand why.

very often, we wonder why things go wrong around us, and these "wrong" things then seem to be what's troubling us. for example, if i discover one day that i was backstabbed by someone whom i regard to be a close friend, i would then wonder "WHAT IN THE WORLD!?" and then lament and agonise over the fact that my friend betrayed me. the betrayal, then seems to be the "problem". however, the real source of frustration isn't in the "problem" that i percieved to be, but rather my approach to the situation. i get frustrated not because of the betrayal first and foremost, but because i refuse to stop wondering why it had to happen, or why it happened.

it seems that we have trained ourselves to ask why something has to happen that hurts or baffles us, as if it shouldn't be happening. this leads us to be in a state of denial, because we don't want to believe that the problem is already happening or has happened, as is evident in our continual quest for a reason for it to happen, without which we cannot be fully convinced that there needs no further proof that what happened already has.

the solution to frustration is to acknowledge, not reason. acknowledge that the situation took place. acknowledge that we don't know, and don't have to. acknowledge that we can't solve everything. and, most importantly, acknowledge that God can solve everything, and He allowed us through the ordeal to make us not stronger (because He desires weakness in us, weakness that allows His true strength to flourish), not more dignified, not prouder, but holier. God's ultimate desire is for us to be holy - beautiful and perfect without blemish, just as a man desires the perfect wife - and He does it through helping us make the right choices in tough times, if only we'd adhere to Him! and after acknowledging these things, believe it. behave like its true, cos it is!

there is then no place for frustration AT ALL, even if the world crumbles (literally), for those who acknowledge God's soverign hand in all things. reasoning is man's own effort to figure what's happening around us. but acknowledging God for who He is makes us masters over the pain of sin.

perhaps the world can truly be transformed into the likeness of the kingdom of God if we stopped questioning and started becoming true masters who offer up ourselves as answers to the pain and sickness around us.

Stressed-NOT

I'm starting lead teaching on monday. meaning, i'm no longer an assistant, clicking and invigilating. i teach directly. higher pay, but more prone to stress.

speaking about stress, i was just thinking about it. the more i thought about how i'm gonna stand in front of a class and find things to say - whether i'll stumble and say wrong stuff etc - the more i feel the stress.

UNTIL ... a voice

"seriously, like, how bad can things get? at most kena fired la ! chey if so stress then no point working right? "

so, if i'm not even afraid of getting fired, why should i be stressed? just walk in, do what needs to be done, care not about how i performed, and leave. if i did well, good. if not, learn lor... stress not. haha !

33.5 bucks an hour. just do it. i've always been good at smoking my way through anyway (:

phew. now i can have a restful weekend (:

A Birthday TributeTo Two Wonderful Girls

Happy birthday Kelsie and Gracia ! (:

To my beloved sister of 20 years:
you see my ugliest side, yet you remain faithful and committed to loving me and hoping the best for me. thank you for the times when you tell me that i'm more handsome than your friends etc etc. dunno if you really mean it, but it warms my heart just to know that you care about my feelings. thank you also for being someone whom i can turn to when i got issues about *stuff* and am confused. although your advices seem half-past-six to me, i appreciate you taking the time and trying hahaha (: i'm grateful that after all the years of turmoil in our growing up years (which was largely my fault), we turned out to be such good friends! hope we can be so close until we grow old and die.

To the even younger sister:
you know, i never imagined being able to sit down with a girl 8 years younger and sharing so much stuff, knowing that my deep-down secrets are in good hands. its been a delight watching you grow up these few years, seeing how you became prettier, more mature and reliable, and becoming more of a great influential leader. i appreciate that you took my scoldings/serious talks with a brave attitude, not blaming me for the harshness, but rather accepting rebuke with an open heart and choosing to listen and change. thank you for respecting me as a leader, though you could have gone your way thinking that you can get away cos you're closer to me. you do not pursue your personal benefit, but always consider how others might feel and whether or not God is honoured by your decsions. you understand the heart of your leaders, and so i believe you'll be a great one yourself. i think that's why we can be so close.

i appreciate this friendship, once unexpected, now greatly cherished by me.

hey

just wanna say that i'm sorry for being inadequate right there and then when you were in need of someone to listen and understand.

i'm sorry for being late (by about 20 min)

i'm sorry for mishandling my responsibilities, such that though i was there, i had to be busy with other things

yea, i felt really bad the whole day, cos i knew i blew it. the moment passed, and we had to move on to other things. wished i had gotten it right. i know the pain was great in your heart. but i didn't see it coming. i thought it was just gonna be some light hearted chit chat. forgive me for such inadequacy and insensitivity. i'll try to be better next time.

you matter to me. and all the more to God. i should be careful and reverent towards handling His little ones.

Officially Moving On

once it crosses the friday of march holidays, it'll be the five-year mark
of when my heart first skipped a beat for a young doe so sweet

every day on the bus from school
i felt like it was more of a journey of the heart
as i looked forward to the stop by your shool
to see if you would board the bus

time went on and it came to be that i had to serve the nation's call of duty
through the night i laboured and cried over missing you
as if the new regimentation wasn't enough to crush me

two years went by, and the morning dawned
i thought i could have the time to befriend you better
yet it seemed clearer that as i waited on His calling
that you had your studies, and i had my bidding

i have come to a point where i'm able to say
may you be blessed as you go your way
the lessons learned in this journey are but just mine to treasure
still, by faith, my journey to come will be blessed beyond measure

i'm thankful i never confessed to you.

God is faithful. Amen.

A Song

this song keeps ringing in my head. words and music by ian wong.

Am
give You glory
F
give You honour
C
give You praise
G
oh God most high

<3

matters of the heart are tricky. i am convinced i am a total noob at this. other people at my age should have gotten a hang of this. i do not envy their lifestyle, but i wish i was as sure as some of them are. oh God, please show me your way.

whattodowhattodowhattodo

2010

I feel that this year is gonna be a year of major decisions. somehow this feeling just comes, and i don't really know how or why. maybe i should stop delaying and choose... but part of me tells me to wait and see... sigh.. i'm confused.

Word

In the beginning was the Word. The Word was with God, the Word was God.

Whenever I breathe a word, let there be light.

So help me God.

the greatest of these is love

it's a few days to camp, and it seems that many things have been happening in their lives. somehow, i've been made aware of the stuff that's been going on. hurts, pains, sins, ugly sides, secrets etc. some are kinda expected to me, while others are just shocking. (so does he know what's going on between me and..?) hehe maybe

well, but nothing surprises God, i suppose. hopefully they'll find some solace in this truth. He's all-knowing, and all-able to mend broken hearts. if only we'd ask. somehow, i'm beginning to see the need for these young peeps - my sheep - to come to a knowledge about God's marvelous provision in terms of covering. if only they'd realise that He's built a shelter for all, and if only we'd rest under that covering, we'll be okay. that's why under cover.

it's all about healing relationships. faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love. love is the epitomy of relationships. faith involves boldness to believe, hope involves the ability to dream of a better possibility, but love involves... another person.

it's all about relationships. if only we'd get it right. somehow, i've gotten over the frustration about their lack of understanding, and have switched to having a compassion for them. perhaps the work has to begin in me first before it starts in them. under cover - the shepherd has to be made right before those under my authority can be blessed.

sometimes, i find it sheepish to call them sheep, but it was they way Jesus saw his disciples, so o well, i'm on my journey to discover the intimacy of such an address.

we are one. let no deceit break our unity. i'm praying hard for God to come through this time and save the day once again. only He can prove Himself mighty to save.

behold the coming of His Majesty. same time, same channel.

while lust and love seemed similarly fuzzy

i presented my desire for untold pleasure

of features gorgeous, humpy, slick and pretty

for i believed charm's allure to be the measure.

God answered my desire, though, not as i prayed.

He showed me daughters of glory, a time much later.

for heaven's young treasures i utterly forsake myself to behold,

my desire once teased now reaps pleasures manifold.

I treasure you,

sisters.

Your love never fails

i need attention. badly. been sucking it off certain people lately, especially those closer to me. dunno if they can feel it, because i've been so good at being "good" and "mature".

somehow i'm believing the lie that things will be better if only others would think the world of me. silly me. it won't be. the tension between fear and hope. the fear of losing my appeal, and the hope of being free from this fear. i think my pride has carried me too far, such that i feel robbed when i don't get the glamour. foolish.

to be honest, i want people to like me. it's such a girly thing, and i wonder from whom i rubbed it off... my mum? Ivan, be a man.

but really, i do need attention, and the answer is obvious. i needed a pathway back to that secret place when i can be secure and at peace again. so this song came along:



nothing can separate
even if i ran away
Your love never fails

i know i still make mistakes but
You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
and when the oceans rage
i don't have to be afraid
becase i know that You love me
Your love never fails

the wind is strong and the waters deep but
i'm not alone here in these open seas
Your love never fails

the chasm was far too wide
i never thought i'd reach the other side
Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good


i don't need to be afraid. i don't need more attention. your love never fails.

nice vid

Lol this video is such a de-stresser. SERIOUSLY. Like, one moment I was dwelling on gloomy stuff, the next moment I was watching this vid and my whole heart was like jumping happily HAHA :D should focus on such silly & funny things more to make my life more lively than emo-ish. This vid's hilarious. Helps if you know Cantonese, Hong Kong variety, with some understanding of popular jargons in the 70's. I bet I can understand this song better than Ronice or Rachel, thanks to Chi Fai.

Which reminds me, Chi Fai, I miss youuu ! 我好密絲你! But you don't read blogs...

Disappointment

I'm really disappointed with some people. One moment, I place great hopes on a person, the next moment, he/she just spits at me right in the face. Really wish to scold them, but I know I must be patient.

Being a leader is tiresome. Really feel like a parent, taking care of God's kids some of whom consistently behave as if God wasn't their Father. They neither fear God nor His appointed authority. I don't mean to sound religious, but such descriptions reflect the fire in my heart. I wish I could explain it all in a relational language free of "holy" jargon, but I'm stuck trying. May God blast you guys, not that you'll die, but that you'll learn (I wish I could've ended this sentence at "guys", but then I'll sound like a terrorist).

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too judgemental, or maybe I'm blinded by rage. But I recognise rebellion by the smell of it. You see, it's difficult. But it's okay. Jesus was gentle, so will I learn to be. (I'll take back the "God blast you" part).

Mum unplugged my new phone that was supposed to be charging for 16 hours.

Me: why you so keh-kiang (in my softer than normal tone, while I was watching some video, so I wasn't looking for a quarrel or anything, just stating a factual comment)

Mum: WHY YOU SO RUDE!?!? YOU KNOW I BOUGHT THE PHONE FOR YOU? HUH, SAY I KEH KIANG, YOU SO SMART GO BUY YOURSELF LAH !! YOU TALK TO PASTOR LIDDAT IZZIT ?!?! THEN WHY YOU TALK TO ME LIDDAT etc etc etc

In my heart: Mum, I was referring to the specific action of unplugging my phone. nothing to do with whether it was you or I who bought the phone, or how I talk to Pastor (I heard her sons gave her worse sometimes)...

sigh... women... (or is it just my mum)

Girls. The cause for the greatest excitement, and many time also the greatest cause of stress for me personally. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to play guessing games. Other times I just wish I knew what to say. But still, if you're reading this, and I've kinda talked to you about *deep stuff* before, I just wanna say that I'm gonna concentrate on the GOOD parts. Thats what keeps me going. Really. Not that there're lots of bad stuff, but things do go awry sometimes D:

You're a good channel to release emotions and talk about deep stuff. You know, sometimes when we do guys stuff, the communication revolves around dry information. Intelligent, but not satisfying. Of course there are times when guys talk about guys stuff and it becomes fulfilling.

Anyways, talked to 2 very interesting little girls today. Totally enjoyed the 4 hours at Island Creamery, except for the earlier part where I seriously thought they weren't coming. Hope to talk to you soon, Anna and Fi (:

A Tribute

Sometimes I prefer that I was lonely again.
To hear the sweet sound of silence, in moments when I
just bought a tray of food during recess and then wonder who should I sit with
or holding the phone in my hand and wondering who to call or sms
because I felt so alone and... unlikable.

As occasional reminders about those lonesome times ring
I remember a friend who sat beside me on that empty canteen bench
and the one whom I relegated to the last resort when I could tell nobody my pains.
He sat gently beside me and cried too.

Like a Father he taught me how to be confident.
He completely silenced the voices that labelled me anything less than a good and capable man.
I asked if I could have some close friends, and He gave.
I asked to be popular with girls, and He responded humourously

So in times like now I sniff the silence
It brings me back to the place where girls and friends fall short
Whom to talk to or who to sit with
remain questions I'll gladly hesitate to answer.

Your Name

I've never felt lousier in a long time .

Said stupid stuff today . Did silly actions too . I'd like to excuse it as due to a lack of sleep, but I know I can't excuse myself for not exercising self-control . it's a fruit of the Spirit after all, so if I had the Spirit in me I should still have been sane right?

I'm messed up. I feel like crap. I feel like slapping myself, been calling myself "dumb" or "stupid" or "silly" under my breath a thousand times. I wish I don't have to face those whom I've let down again, but I know it's not realistic.

I feel lousy.

but

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save... but Your Name

I can be saved. I am safe. I can feel restored almost immediately.

'Cause Your Name...

cuz I'm affected

know what ? I'm really affected by this generation of youths . maybe it's because I'm called to "lead" this generation . or maybe it's cuz I spend a LOT of time with them anyway . well, one thing I'm affected by is their crazy blogging habits .

hey guys, if you're reading this, just wanna share with you a whacking experience . seeing you guys blog so frequently, honestly, expressively, and largely brokenly has been a shocking experience for me, because it's just sooo different than my generation (and even more so for the generations older than mine) - we'd consider washing dirty linens in public an almost disgraceful thing . you'll prolly think I'm old fashioned, but wait till you're my age and you'll know what I mean - I was once at an age where older people thought my generation was ridiculous .

however, after all these months, I've realised that it is in a way a good thing, cuz blogs are in a way a very good avenue for people to just express their entire hearts out, and friends can just read their blogs to keep themselves updated about their friends . the downside, tho, is that it's hard to communicate what's "appropriate", cuz people can say just about whatever they want .

Anyways, just to announce the start of my intense blogging adventure from now on . ;D

A Valid Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus, I don't know what to pray to you, but thanks for listening anyway . Amen .

A voice inside me few know exists

Roses are red, violets are blue . I'm two-and-twenty, how's that different than you ?

I don't live my life differently just because it's "my own right" . I've got no "rights", and neither do you . I'm showing you how to live your life, ****** .

I'm mortal

A wise person doesn't need to make his feelings known . but a living person does .

To those who hold an offense against me

I'm imperfect . forgive me . but if you won't, it's okay . I'll forgive you for that .

A Leader's Prayer

People are hurting, All around me
Juniors in their growing up years
Girls who look for meaning through relationships and emotions
Boys who constantly seek their worth in unworthy places

People are hurting, life is weary
young men in camps, drained by dry routine
still some in streets and campuses lusting away
at young ladies who loose themselves, seeking Pleasure's good opinion.

Father, hear me now. You sent me to them as leader and light.
How may I prove healer as you are to broken hearts and undone self-esteems
Satisfier of empty cravings and affirmer of beauty?
Create in me a servant's heart.

Widom in me, deeds of lovingkindness, I beseech.
Daunting tasks may be, still calling be mine privilege.

National Day

I love my country.

During school days,
National day songs were cheesy (they still are, to some extent)
Singing the national anthem and saying the pledge were a bore
National Day Parades were lame except for fireworks.
I received an education nonetheless, and a world-class one at that.

During National Service,
I had more reasons to dread being a Singaporean
"Serving the nation" was the farthest from doing noble things
The nation that I suffered for seemed the least grateful in many occasions
Still the truth persisted - through young men like me I enjoyed our peace and wealth.

However, when I think back and consider the bigger picture...
When I think about my family and relatives that form the basic support of my life
The people I love dearly in Kum Yan Church, and my friends I've made throughout my life
The girls I've had a crush on etc..
Surely they are worth something!!

Where else can I get a close-to-similar experience?

Beyond myself and in honour's sake
This land that I was born to live somehow bears my soul whereupon to die in selfless ardency
For the Nation - God besides - that bears my identity
Shall inherit my soul's utmost devotion.

God Bless Singapore!

Majulah Singapura!

breaking free

update! update!

sorry for the long break. totally retired from writing for a while, because i really couldn't find the purpose in blogs. well, it seems, now i have!

one thing that has been on my heart is the familiness of JYC - is it genuine or superficial? that being said, i totally DO NOT doubt those who truely love JYC and have devoted themselves to making it a warm place for people to come. however, because people aren't perfect, hurts do arise from wrong/imperfect/incomplete relationships.

relationships. that's the key.

from a leader's perspective, it's really good seeing friendships formed and people getting to know one another better. however, i feel that there should be more 'breaking out of the circle' amongst people who have their own group.

yes, it's good to have friends who are closer than the rest, and rightly so. BUT this should not lead to an explicit display of cliques whilst in church. very often, i get people saying, "oh, but it's so-and-so's group that's going for lunch at waterloo, and it'll be wierd if i tag along" and the like. granted, it really is awkward when we first hang around people whom we normally don't. however, we should not let such awkwardness get in the way of us reaching out. we need to face our fears of being the one to break through the ice in the persuit of building relationships that last.

ESTABLISHING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH A BROTHER OR SISTER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN CIRCLE.

think about it. unless God calls us to leave, we'll all be seeing one another for the next 30, 40, 50 years in KY! surely you won't wanna let such childish and damaging habits inhibit us from being truely free to love one another?!

i say that for myself as well. i haven't been perfect at exercising this very important principle. rather, i often fail. but i have learnt that comfort, when exceedingly sought, becomes poison. and i now want as many people to know it!

let us all be deliberately inclusive, with the purpose of making lifelong friendships. it is in our very nature to remain comfortable in our exclusive 'club', and we need to battle that nature, or it can well destroy JYC.

no more "them" and "us". let us be one.

Mike Guglielmucci

When I heard it, I cringed. "No! Not again! Please... Why?"

It was a nostalgic cry... I had a similar cry when word about Todd Bentley's case reached me.

Embarrassment. Foolishness. Disgust. Shame. The list goes on.

Why in the world would such a shame occur in the presence of God and his people, and among the top leadership at that? How can we thereafter have any credibility? How can His holy presence tolerate deception? Is His presence even with us?

But wait. There must be more to this. Before I let the emotions in, I've got to see what my Father is doing. That's right, He's doing something. He isn't surprised, and those to whom His heart is revealed don't have to be either.

Yes, the disappointment, anger, sadness, and all the other Godly responses to such a shame have their place, and rightly so. Still, we ought to turn to our Father and observe His works before cynicism catches up with us.

Here's what I've learnt about Todd's and Mike's incidents:

It's not about rallying. The number of lives you manage to impact is not a measure of your faithfulness, and neither is the number of followers you win a measure of spiritual success. Only 11 men carried the legacy of Jesus himself. John 6 couldn't be clearer. Jesus detested fans. He knew the crowd couldn't take the truth, and He gave it to them anyway, knowing that they'll leave. And we're called to follow Him.

That perhaps reminds us of the condition of the Church today.We're more focused on winning converts than making disciples. We're more concerned about whether our cell members turn up for cell than whether the same old beggar who lives down the street has had her dinner. We spend thousands of dollars on concerts, conferences and tours, and our poor neighbours remain poor.

And now, this.

I'm disappointed that it had to happen. It just shows the severity of the lack of the fear of the Lord in the Church. Had we revered God as the first Christians did, Mike and Todd would either have fallen dead right away like Ananias and Sapphira, or they wouldn't have been tempted astray if they themselves carried such godly fear in their hearts. Reverence for God - that is a true measure of one's spiritual understanding. God cannot be mocked. He will only come in His glory if His people are ready to submit to His kingship. Obviously, we still have a problem there.

However, I'm thankful that the deception finally came to light. Darkness is exposed, and justice is served. That's another glimpse of His Kingdom. Thank God He didn't allow Mike to lead us on. Alas! A God who says "Enough!"

While some mock us, and others cast doubt; while the faithful cry out, and those who are in it for selfish reasons dessert us; when the world accuses us and we can't help but agree - God is doing something. Let the world say what it wants to say, let the fans of Church leaders leave, let the media slice it's share of the pie... And let the children of God turn to their Father and see only what He is doing - that the Church be purged of it's iniquities and be refined by fire, and move one step closer to perfection.

My answer to a non-believer's question about marriage

okay. I'll attempt this, but it's only my opinion.

As a Christian, I believe marriage is a representative of a higher union - that between God and the Church.

Sex is an expression of love between a couple, and the setting that the Bible proposes within which the highest pleasure can be achieved is a Covenant.

A covenant is a promise, or a contract. And that is what marriage is. I do not know why this is so, but I trust this prescription, because that's what faith is about anyway - trust.

I trust that it is in God's character to give us the best, and not prevent us from having fun. Perhaps one reason he hates sex outside a marriage covenant is because it distorts the picture He wants us to see - the picture of One God and One Church, reflected in the union between one man and one woman.

And just as he would never leave us (the Church) or forsake us, so would a married couple never leave or forsake each other.

Just as he was committed to this love unto death (in the person of Jesus), so do couples vow "till death do us part".

Just as the union between God and man springs forth pleasure, so also the union of a couple (in sex).

Now, it is in this pleasure which flows out of the union between God and the Church that we doubt (myself included). The reason why people desire sex so much is because that is the highest pleasure available to man, so, the more the better! Yet, the Bible says that there is a higher pleasure, and that's in exploring God's character out of the obedience to his prescriptions.

Personally, I wouldn't say that I'm already there, but I've had a taste of it, and it's the thing that keeps me out of sexual sin! Say, when I'm tempted somewhere in the internet, there is a greater surge of desire that causes me not to go there, and that's when I think of my Christian brothers and sisters - times when I could be among them and enjoy the purest, most innocent, and most honest fellowship I've ever had. I know full well that when I engage in this sin, I would compromise on my purity, innocence and honesty, and thereby losing that spiritual bond the next time I'm among them. It will take me a while to recover.

Having these 2 desires to choose from, the immediate pleasure pales utterly in the light of the relational/spiritual one.

So, it's a higher pleasure vs lower pleasure thing, rather than pleasure vs religious rules, which many non believers, and even some believers, tend to believe.

So, if marriage then becomes a parameter rather than a desire, then my answer is - you're missing the point. I might even encourage you to go have all the sex you want, if you really believe that's what brings you the most pleasure and gives meaning to life. But I'll still offer an alternative - Jesus Christ. Wierd? Stupid? Irrelevant? Millions testify otherwise, if not by words then by actions, or even in death.

Peace.

I am not ashamed

Looks like I'm going to be rejected again. People are getting their University letters. I've only gotten letters of rejection in past years. It'll probably come again in a week or two. The life that I dreamed of, the education I wanted, all my hopes and enthusiasm...

Dashed. I don't know if I should cry.

However, I am reminded of a declaration I once heard, so I looked it up again. I've found it to be a really great encouragement. It's titled "Fellowship Of The Unashamed".

Fellowship of the Unashamed
(The last words of an African martyr)

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The descision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I'm finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He comes, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear. "For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ."

--Extreme Devotion, Voice of the Martyrs, page 150


Yes.
I don't need good education, good job, or a good pay....
Neither a girl whom I can marry, a family, a house, or a car...
I don't need intelligence, looks, good speech or any other talents, and I don't have to be recognised for them.
I once said all I needed was Jesus. I shall now mean it.
I shall boast nothing of myself - no gifts, no power, no wisdom. In Christ alone will I place my pride.
For "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

Being a Spiritual Leader

I have been a JYC (Church Youth) leader since 18.

"Leader" was a word I tried to avoid using upon myself, in the name of "humility". I used to think calling myself a leader was a form of lifting myself higher than others. Hence, in the past, I'd describe myself as a "big brother" to some younger teens. Little did I realise that leadership had a totally different meaning than what I thought it had.

As I went through NS, I understood a little more about leadership - a leader was someone who had the ability to lead, and the character to gain his/her followers' trust. However, the best picture of a leader, I have come to realise, lies none other than in the person of Jesus Christ.

The attributes of His leadership have little for what any secular-minded person can boast about - humility, long-suffering, servanthood, loving one's enemies, compassion, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, faithfulness, self-control... the list could go on. Nothing about power or abilities. Just plain attitudes. What's more, a mind-blowing 1/3 of today's world claim to follow him.

Not that everyone of them follows him totally. In fact I think many are just Christians in name only. My point is that these qualities (of Christ) are the ones that are worthy of leadership, as can be seen by the number of his followers (which is still quite considerable even after you cut off the not-so-faithful believers). These traits are not of loft or might, but of weakness. It's no wonder Paul said, "I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses." (2 Cor 12:5) Real leadership, I learnt, isn't about showing others how much I can, but how much I can't. (Not that Jesus couldn't, He could, but He chose to give that up and came down to our level.)

Today, I'm not hesitant to say that I'm a leader. I acknowledge the authority I carry, and by that authority I lead in my weakness. In that, I have come to realise that I need grace all the way. So since grace is found in every area of my life, it accomplishes God-sized things through me. No, I'm not perfect. In fact I'm a far cry from perfection. I am unworthy and undeserving. But that's the beauty of it - that God would use the lowly things to do marvelous things.

"He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."
- 1 Cor 1:28-29

In the end, leadership is all about humility.

The Art Of Courtship

It is kinda sad that Christians today play the dating game (i.e. short-term feeling-based relationship). In the name of experience, "love", and other reasons, people who claim to love God have become lovers of man. What many fail to realise is that God has meant Himself to be the centre of every relationship (romance, friendship etc). Every relationship is an opportunity for the Christian to display God's love.

A typical couple would naturally base their relationship on their fondness of each other. The substance of the bond is the feelings. These feelings are expressed through candle-lit dinners, enchanting star-gazings, sentimental strolls and other romantic things couples do. These backdrops are wonderful. Indeed, they're so wonderful beyond reality. And when reality finally hits, it seems that this typical couple are complete at a loss. They've been doing all the romantic things as if they are the only things couples do. Thing is, candle-lit dinners don't prepare one for quarrels, and star gazing doesn't help one respond to financial difficulties. Romantic experiences are not bad in themselves, but they are a recipe for disaster if relationships revolve around them.

I am in total disagreement of the dating game for Christians. Firstly, God ordained marriage, not dating. Dating isn't supposed to be an end in itself. Rather, it is supposed to facilitate a wholesome marriage. The dating game abuses this sacred purpose. Secondly, in summary of my previous paragraph, the dating game does not benefit anyone in terms of preparing for a future life partner. Thirdly, the dating game is selfish. To gain experience, to feel good, to learn more - these are but persuits for the self. It has no consideration for the other party. Fourthly, it does not honour one's future life partner. Though one may remain a virgin even after all these relationships, emotional exchanges have been made. A part of one's heart and history has been offered to another person who didn't end up to be the one. (There are many more that I can think of, but I'll leave it for now.)

Alternatively, the Bible paints a radically different definition of love, and love cannot be better expressed than in the person of Jesus Christ himself. The Christian must believe this. He's got his own flesh and blood as food in place of a candle-lit dinner; a road to suffering instead of a romantic stroll; a stunning and seemingly offensive message to preach rather than sweet lovey-dovey words to whisper. In the same way, Christians ought to practice love in the form of the example set by Christ. I am totally convinced that we all need to realise this.

I believe that in this day and age, Christians have to be more vigilant and radical than before, for these are evil times. It is not enough to simply save sex for marriage and be equally yoked. We have to be radically committed to being pure not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This world desperately needs some demonstration of real love, because salvation is at hand. We might still make it to heaven while we continue in our mediocre ways, but the salvation of others is at stake. Bible says that it is by our love that others will see that we are truely Christ's diciples. Through loving one another, others will be able to have a glimpse of God, and hopefully they will turn and believe.

While pain and suffering seem to be the last thing to be associated with the world's definition of love, they are the essence of God's kind of love. God's love begets sacrifice - there is a price to pay in order to express such love. In the context of a romantic relationship, truely loving someone means being responsible for one's part of the relationship; honouring one's partner; being committed emotionally, financially, and in all other practical ways; being ready to give up one's own way of life for the betterment of the relationship etc. At the very core, God's love is about being selfless. It is about desiring the highest good of the other party, and then being willing to pay the price for that good to happen.

Briefly, with more specific roles, men should imitate the boldness and humility of Christ. He was ready to defend his church with his life, and also humble enough to lay it down on his own accord. Similarly, men should be aggressive in defending the women and standing up for them, while also being ready to turn the other cheek when it comes to defending their own rights. Women, on the other hand, should desire to be the sustainer that God created Eve to be - one who encourages, supports, and has the capacity for her man's sorrows.

This should be the type of courtship Christian couples engage in. Imitating God's love in a relationship, making God the centre of it all - such is His art of courtship.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." - Jn 15:13

freedom

08 dec 2007 - O.R.D.

it's been 2 crazy years. 2 years of minimal freedom. 2 years of bondservanthood.

now, i get to come home everyday, shower with warm water, use my computer daily, and most dearly missed - i get to spend time with people who matter to me.

church has become my second home once again. just spending time with people who changed my life - that itself remains lifechanging indeed. playing, doing work i enjoy, meeting people i love..... these things have become so foreign.

in JYC... looking at the sec 3s just makes me wanna cry. i remember spending some time with ruoting before enlisting - she was such a chirpy innocent girl. now she's a changed person, matured and grown (perhaps still growing) up. limxi, quiet and shy; now she's open and expressive. bea was such a cute little girl, and now she's a leader in her own right, caring for younger ones and even leading her peers. (sorry guys, i got to know you all only recently =D no hard feelings okay?) and now that i've got time again, they're all leaving. what have i missed out?

missing out.... it's a difficult thing to accept. nevertheless, i've learnt lessons in these 2 years i coundn't have otherwise. now that it's over, i've got to make these lessons worth the while. 2 years ain't no joke. it's a heavy price to pay. i need God to show me how to live it right.

freedom is so cool. no book-ins, no regiment, no half-baked food (literally hahahaha). i really love this kinda lifestyle. i appreciate freedom. but more importantly, i appreciate the spiritual freedom that Christ bought with his blood - the freedom that can never be taken away. it was with me even throughout the last 2 years, when physical freedom seems bleak.

that is real freedom; it is grace so amazing. such freedom cannot be matched. the freedom i'm experiencing now would be meaningless without that greater freedom inside. that's freedom to smile at the storm, freedom to persevere in hardship, freedom to keep my words pure even when swearing seems to be the norm. freedom to say God is good in the midst of trouble, freedom to thank God in times of need. freedom to have joy amidst frustration.

wow. what a privilege to gain such freedom! what have i done to deserve such grace? it's so real, i cannot deny it's power. i can only stand in awe of the One who gave it all - He died to give me liberty. sin has lost its hold on me, and i have overcome death itself.

i am free indeed.

Army Open House

It's been a long time! Where should I start......?

Right. Army Open House. AOH lasted for 5 days, and was a really great experience for me. I, being an ambassador, had the privilege of interacting with the public. Also, unfortunately, my regard for Singaporeans has since deteriorated.

I was stationed at one of the information booths, and my duty was to give directions as well as to distribute freebies. My gosh. I couldn't believe it when I saw the way people would degrade themselves and express their ungenerousity just so that they could get their hands on some pretty useless freebies (small souvenir pins, pens and the like). Some would go around asking for more. Some would snatch and push. Some would come everyday just to keep getting stuff. Some cheated in the games; some stole. To me, that's stupid and shameful.

It's annoying to see Singaporeans like that. I mean, we're a first world country! We're affluent compared to our neighbours as well as the world. Need we be such misers? I mean, it's not even food! It's just some little tokens.... cheap stuff!

I'm not saying that people should not want those stuff. It's perfectly okay to want stuff, especially if they are free. However, the way those guys expressed their desperation for such peanuts was simply ridiculous and unacceptable.

Nevertheless, I survived. Thanks to all those who made my day! There were a few visitors who had the best manners in the world. There were also many cute children, whom we, the ambassadors, showered with gifts and free ice-cream coupons. Lastly, of course, there were the beauties stationed at the drinks stalls, tile-painting section and other parts of Family Land (the main hall). Without you, AOH couldn't have been memorable! =D

Sore eyes

It's morning! blink blink blink.... My eyes... they're dry..... they're sour.... they're.... RED! And there goes my day.

This is something I live through. I visited and eye specialist earlier this year, and she said that I've got allergic conjunctivitis, which means that my eyes would become red for no apparent reason. I hate it, because it affects my image, and hence my mood. No, I'm not obsessively cosmetic. I'm not in the business of desperately trying to draw people's attention or approval. However, I do mind possessing a seemingly nocuous (allergic conjunctivitis, unlike bacterial or viral conjunctivities, is not contagious) quality that repels people.

So, on days when my eyes act up, I struggle to meet with people, especially during weekends, when it's time to go out. I talk to people looking down, or elsewhere, because I'm afraid I'll freak them out. Many times, I know that people would say that it's alright and stuff, but deep down, I know that people don't just see a guy with sore eyes and think, "Oh, it's nothing." I love people, and I don't like to scare them.

I've been praying for healing, but I have not received it. I believe in miracles, and I believe in the One behind the miracles. I believe He has His reasons for allowing this sickness, and many other bad things, in my life. And all these things are in my life because this is His way of loving me. Sometimes He's gentle, sometimes He's tough. In good times, I enjoy His goodness; in tough times (like when I've got sore eyes), He enjoys coming through. And when the going gets really tough, He whispers, "Just a few more years and you'll be through, past that (finish) line is life anew!"

Yea, so I'm persevering....

Break

It's been a long time. I mean, since I had a break. The last one I had was in december. I'm currently taking a one week break from army life. Boy, this is awesome. No regiment, no orders, no duties, NO REVEILLE. I wake up when I feel like it, do whatever I wanna do, take meals as and when I'd like, all in the comfort of home. It's really cool. My home is clean, my bed is soft, my room is air-conditioned, my showers have got heaters, my family doesn't give commands etc.

Then I begin to question: what is it about regimentation that it's so hard to get used to?
I've been serving for about one-and-a-half years now, and I still don't seem to be able to get accustomed to the military lifestyle. I take a while to get awake early in the morning, I don't like following orders, I dread bunk inspections, and I still can't stand cold showers!

Perhaps it's just the way I am. I need lots of sleep, I've got my own way of doing things, I'm not a neat-freak, and I'm warm blooded. No matter how many time's I've done those regimental stuff over and over again, it doesn't change who I am. Looking back, I realise that I've actually been struggling with life for the past one-and-a-half years. I was too busy following regiment that I did not stop to consider the pain that I had. Well, perhaps that was helpful in preventing me from being pessimistic or cynical. But it's still good to know what's better out there so that I don't get stuck in that pathetic ignorance forever. Thankfully, National Service does come to an end.

Anyways, it's good to have a break. Chillin out's cool.

See you later, Aunty May

Each time i attend a funeral, death becomes more of a reality. It hits me hard for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it is because life becomes different, and that process is difficult. A factor of influence has been taken away, and the sum of influences in my life changes and life takes a different momentum. People disappear. Like, one moment I'm talking to her, the next moment she's totally out of my life. And then I look at the world - life goes on as if what had happened wasn't a big deal. It IS a big deal to me, but the world out there doesn't seem to understand or care. So the next day I go with the flow, doing the things I've been doing. It's so cruel. Why doesn't the whole world just pause for a moment so that I can take time off to settle stuff? Why can't the world just stop running when I need a break?

The second point is my response to the first - life in this world is meaningless. I get stuff, I give stuff. I do stuff, and I undo stuff by doing some more stuff. I gain stuff, I lose stuff. I like stuff, I dislike stuff. I remember stuff, I forget stuff. And when it's my turn to be the object of the funeral, all this stuff counts for nothing. Damn these things! I am meant for SO MUCH MORE! I know it cos I see the capacity in me for things that are infinitely big and eternal. But I have to die.

God loves the world, so Jesus came. Whoever trusts in Him will have ETERNAL life. That's the beauty of the Gospel. It isn't for people who have it going, or so they think. It isn't for people who are great, or so they think. It isn't for people who are safe, or so they think. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for those who realise that at the end of this road, all their accumulated stuff counts for nothing, and they're desperate for something beyond this temporal existence. It's not just what the Bible says. Our desires confirm that. Our appetite for fairytales confirm that. Worldwide trends confirm that. Terrorism confirms that (the terrorists are desperately trying to earn their place in 'heaven').

The Gospel is so appealing to our intellectual and emotional need because it satisfies us with hope (of something that has not yet come). That even if the Gospel wasn't true, it's still worth believing. But I know it's true, because Jesus came into my life and did something REAL and ETERNAL inside. And there's nothing anyone can say, no argument thrown at me, that will change my mind about that.

So, Aunty May has just accomplished her purpose on earth. She has made the decision to be honest with her need and follow Christ. And because of that I'm sure that I'll see her in paradise, soon.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day

As the number of Valentine's Days that I've lived through increase, my impression of this lovely day changes from one that's all about romance to a day that could include friends and family.

I remember that while I was in my mid teens, V Day was the worst day to stay outside. I would go home immediately after school. Obviously, I didn't have a date. Time and again, I told myself that by the following V Day I must have had a date. On hindsight... how stupid.

This year, however, I went out with a bunch of guy friends! They were my army friends. We had half the day off. So we went to town. We did little more than playing lan though... how embarrassing! Still, we kinda had a quality time together and that's what matters.

Nevertheless, there's still a lingering hope in my heart - I've got to be honest - that on 14 February 2008, I'll have a date!

What makes a Christian

A series of events have led me to question the meaning of being a Christian. Is it being perfect? Or always having an exemplary conduct?
Such expectations may sound absurd. But, having been attending church since nine months before I was born, I realise that many people I've known do expect me to behave in a certain manner, often that which is more restricted and conservative. Say, I'm not supposed to play pranks or talk about taboo subjects etc...

So, I came to a conclusion.
A Christian is inherently imperfect. I am hopelessly imperfect and utterly in need of remedy. That's why I recognise the need for God; that's why I really need a Saviour! Thus it wouldn't make sense if people expect Christians to be sweeties and Mr. Nice Guys. We really are not! Rather, we're ones who've come to realise that.

However, that's not to say that we can forget about our obligation to do good. I'm just saying that doing good doesn't make us Christians - good deeds don't lead us to heaven. Rather, heaven has come to us freely. And since we've gained something we don't deserve, out of a grateful heart, we would naturally extend the grace which was first extended to us.

Hence, a Christian is as much of a mistake-maker as a non-Christian. The difference is that the Christian has chosen to acknowledge his sins and accepted God (Jesus) as his Saviour, and is thus saved.

(These are my personal thoughts and are the result of my experiences. They do not reflect the stand of the Christian Church or any Christian leader.)

Found!

I lost my 11B (military ID) over the weekend. Thank God Ian found it in his office, along with other stuff that fell off my wallet. About 11 months ago, I had lost my first 11B (hmm I must be a really careless person). Back then, I was worried sick about it, cos I was afraid of what my superiors might have done to me. (oh, I really did lose my 11B then and they did nothing to me.. I just had to pay a replacement fee of $50)

Back then, there was Ian too! He told me not to worry. My superiors could have punished me however they wished, but they couldn't take my life. That was one golden advice I held to throughout my army life thus far. And I thank God, because I know that my life is in His hands. Because He is in control, things don't just happen to me randomly, leaving me to fend for myself and make do with what life throws at me. No, every circumstance is intended for me - the good which he lovingly grants and the bad which He also lovingly allows for my training.

I think that's why Paul rehetorically asked, "If My God is for me, who then can be against me?" Indeed, having God on my side is a win-win situation. Good times bless me and bad times train me. What have I got to lose? Haha! I'm so happy and relieved now that I'm typing without stopping to think.... hahahahaha

Bible talks about how people lose things and later find them, afterward being more careful with the way they keep them. Yea, how timely it is that my mum just gave me a new wallet, which is more secured than my current one! I don't know... things are just happening so quickly =)

All in all, I think I owe everything to God, who owns the universe in the first place. Better than my 11B, I've found One whom I can trust forever.

Hello 2007

I've got a special feeling about this year, and I'm pretty excited about it. As I breathed past the new year, I recalled how I started off in the year 2006. It was the worst year of my life - thanks to national service. Don't be mistaken - I'm not anti-NS. In fact I regard NS as an important factor of Singapore's survival. It was the seemingly random (yet all too timely to be arbitrary) s**t (pardon me, I couldn't think of a better word) I was in that tore me apart, all the way till the end of the year, which was when things started to get better. So, by now, all the trials seem to be over.

As some preach, trials come before a blessing. In addition, this is the seventh year of the third millenium (pretty numbers: 7 and 3). Hence optimism =) I might sound utterly superstitious, but the equation seems all too fitting to be false.

Right now, I'm not sure what to expect. But I'm pretty sure things can't get worse. I've plunged rock bottom. There's only one way left.