breathtaking

i hope i'm wise.
i want to be wise, like my Master.

for it is the wellspring of life...

love is beyond that cute girl or that good feeling about someone...
love is action. love is sacrifice. love is a choice.
therefore, choose love.

Just came back from cell. We were doing the last of honour's reward by my favourite preacher John Bevere. Thank God for servants like him! Just felt that dispite my mistakes and sins, God still loves me and honours me as His child. What a privilege! He's excited about me just as I'm excited about.. *someone*... and more! hahaha things God teaches you through heart issues. Actually, I already learnt it a few years back. Just some revision and refreshing in this aspect tonight(:

Thank you Lord for cell. It's so refreshing. I love my cell! My leaders MAryann and JeAnnie, my cellmates, my supper buddies, the word, the worship, the house, the dinner fellowship, EVERYTHING!! hahaha! actually I'm also a "leader" but I continue to regard Mary and Jean with seniority... plus 90% of my cell is older than me, so yeah... don't really feel comfortable being called a leader. Don't even know exactly why I raised my hand when they were asking who wanted to be in the Youth Cell Core. Like, i remember the FIRST time i stepped into the room, everyone was like 3-4 years older. To be honest, I just wanted to walk out from Pastor's office and maybe say that I'm sorry for being in the wrong meeting or something along those lines. BUT I couldn't think of a good enough excuse so I sat through that first meeting and continued going for subsequent meetings and now, I'm a "leader". Feels so wierd. I need something to own as a leader, cos I don't know how to lead people older than me. Really. And oh, is it "wierd" or "weird"?

2 years on balancing between JYC and Youth Core. I feel super attached to JYC, maybe cos its been almost 5 years already, but still don't feel as attached to Youth Core as when I was only 2 years into JYC. By 2 years I was super enthu and excited about camps and events and stuff etc etc in JYC... I need a sense of purpose. Maybe I'm supposed to learn from the older ones on the job. Maybe I'm supposed to be the "next generation of leaders". Whatever the case, help me God. I'm out of my comfort zone.

sigh...

and, I don't think I like anyone... for now(: I need to focus on God and His work. If a girl comes by, then good. If not, then my devotion continues to be directed towards Him. Let me not be distracted. I wanna press on towards the goal. Feelings come and go, but the Word of the Lord stands firm forevermore. I will stand upon the rock. In Him I will trust.

I love you, Lord. Glorify Yourself in my life. Keep me from temptation. Let Your kingdom reign in and through me. Let people around me see Your face. Let sin and shame be rendered powerless and let healing and miracles happen wherever I go because of Your glorious presence in my life. Let Your will be done. Let love and justice flow. Let there be light. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

i need this in my life.

sometimes, i wish i lived in a fairytale, where monsters and evil witches lurk, but also where glorious, magical, mysterious and noble people and places exist. wanna go through all the adventure and stuff, and then live happily ever after.




this is what i tell myself whenever i become too caught up with heart issues. i just tell myself to treasure my friends and family, rather than long for that special someone who is far away. never knew it was a Bible verse tho... haha !

she said it was sweet(:
now i can't stop smiling(:

This is a dangerous statement. It has good and bad, depending on how you interpret it.

The following is my stand:
You don't follow your heart. You lead it.
You train it. You discipline it.
Until it becomes as gold.

I believe in the Kingdom.

I wish I had to pass this by on my way home every day.

This reminds me of Jesus.

I like good fashion sense. I wish I had good fashion sense too.
She has(:

Which sometimes makes me realise how potent a value it is to me. I already find the girl in the photo attractive without even having seen her face. Not that I'm superficial. Its just that I'm pretty aesthetic in just about everything. I'd like a touch of taste in the things that I see and hear. That's okay I guess. It took me years to finally realise that its possible to appreciate good-looking things (and people, girls especially :P) without being artificial.

I had a authoritarian and conformative upbringing, that's why.

This is our God.

Living as Children of Light (Eph 4)

17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

20You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

yes. i am different. i must put off my old self. like a participant in a marathon, i must train myself regularly for the race - the race for holiness. i long to reach the goal. i have to train.

but how can i train my thoughts and attitudes and learn to put on the new self?

by doing Godly things. by developing a habit of doing useful things and working and helping those in need. by speaking truthfully to my neighbour. by speaking words that build others, not tear them down. by being kind and compassionate. by forgiving.

oh Lord, please help me.

hahaha have a good laugh !

??

wow this is wicked...

these totally cracked me up

its about time love messages like this are dedicated to you, God.
i guess there's none that can be there for me like you.
i remember 4 years ago, about this time, i was at the worst point in my life. ending my life never seemed so attractive an option. but You sustained me. through my loneliness and tears You walked with me and built me up to what i am today.
You've added many people to my life since then. some i'm closer to, some i'm not, some i'm not so close to anymore, and so on. in essence, You've added companionship into my life.
but in times like today, i come back to realise that the dry loneliness doesn't really leave me. sure my friends are good to talk to. sure its good to have people to think about and make plans around. but i always come back to the place where i'm reminded that at the end of it all, this road that i'm walking is between You and me only.

its You and i against the world, after all (:
i love You, Lord.
and bless ALL my relationships so that Your glory can be seen through each one of them(:



and you. i think you're really beautiful and approachable and friendly, and i'm captivated by the person that you are. but i don't know if i'm up to it. i feel like i'm ready. i'm 23. of cos its not just a matter of age. but yeah, i think i'm ready, but i'm still hesitant. i don't think God has any objections to anything at this point, but i think i should continue to wait for a wee bit longer. wanna take some time to build closer ties on the friendship level. i think our friendship as of now is good, but i'd like to, erm, know you better and stuff. hope to be able to ask you out soon(:

(:

i'm like that most of the time

not to us, but to Your Name be the glory

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

one day i wanna try stuff like this

talked to her today. just gave me one more reason to smile (:

haha april thanks for shopping with me. guess i need some feminine advice when it comes to clothes and fashion, cos i'm kinda poor at it... at least not where i want myself to be. and thanks also for being so supportive! haha! you saw that brief exchange riiiightttt? hahaha!

14 blades was great ! chinese movies are seriously getting better (: okay i've officially removed my absolute bias that hollywood beats chinashows. still, i think that chinese movies need to really improve on their CGI. seriously. it spoils the whole mood even if the storyline is good.

cos that’s when my life changes the most.

tumblr is so filled with lust. not in the sexual sense, though there are indeed some, but more primarily in the aesthetique sense. there's just soooo much nice pictures/quotes etc to be obsessed about. i need to control myself. i hope its only because i'm new.

good things i did today:
1. committed to pay $38 on a monthly basis to Singapore Heart Foundation.
2. returned the phone
all thanks to Love Revolution.its bringing out the kind soul in me.

"Real love is costly" - Joyce Meyer

but i made mistakes too.

when i force myself not to think about you, my mind occupies itself with other rubbish.
lust, ambition and pride. i don't knock on the door for these junk. i didn't place any orders. they just come as they please. perhaps its just... the world that we live in today. here's how i define lust:

lust = all pleasure, no warmth

after jogging, i was reaaalllyyy tired. and as i rested, i started to think about you again, and warmth just filled my heart. all the rubbish just fade away and become insignificant. so i guess its good to have someone to think about after all (:


but just as it seems all nice and sweet, reality sets in. you're not mine. and i can tell that you've got many suitors. and i can't help but ask how worthy am i anyway. and i don't like competition when it comes down to personal things like this. i'm afraid of losing. that's why i tell myself not to think so much. and the cycle continues.


ok enough. i need to occupy myself with healthy things to do. ha!
i'm going shopping with april tmr. need to get a tiger shirt for sat's youth cell cny dinner :D
sounds like a plan. a healthy one. (:

to end the day off, just wanna share this song that is giving me strength for the day (:

i always thought i belonged to the dangerous side of life.

slept only between 530 am and 630 am this morning (last night). the maggi goreng was rumbling in my tummy. tormented by 2 mosquitoes, the latter of which i finally killed by 530 am. a flurry of thoughts that ran through my mind all night long. (was it due to the caffaine?) and tumblr is addictive and thought provoking. shouldn't tumblr just before bed. seriously.

its 3 plus in the afternoon. good night world.

and i don't regret the goreng (:

this totally reminds me of... you.

wisdom is what i need... desperately. a thousand times i've failed already...

this reminds me of the song At the Foot of the Cross. beautiful.



thank You, Lord, for this is the day You have made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

she's a bug. i think i really put her off enough so she won't bug me again. its nice talking by and large, but not with all those dirty ideas in between. you know that once you turn on that switch in a guy its hard to turn it off? i had to pray like power hour style so that i could sleep last night... but i also can't blame her. maybe she doesn't know enough good guys. i might well be the only one. but still, i won't compromise. i have too much to lose.

and i found this phone in the taxi today. belongs to some foreign girl, maybe philippino, so says the driver. from the screen saver pics, it seems like she's working in some sleazy industry, like a pub or something. went to browse her pics, and there were pictures of her hometown (i suppose), with kids, elderly, presumably her family and friends. i think its kinda sad that she travelled all the way here just to do this job. i'm thinking of her hometown guy... must have his heart broken ttm. mine would, if my girl did such a thing. but who knows, she might be desperate for money. who's to be blamed?

just as i was thinking these things at makan place while reading the book Love Revolution, the author was saying "He (God) seems to have a special place in His heart for people who are lonely and have no one to take care of them. God helps the afflicted, and secures justice for the poor and needy." and a few sentences later, "now ask yourself what you are personally doing for them?"

i'm returning her phone tomorrow.
tho, it was some chinese man that called the phone. he said he's a "friend". so perhaps he's in the business also. perhaps her employer.

oh God, rescue her. and many other girls like her too, who do not know they were created to be worn as a crown. and please raise up God-ly men who would rise up to defend and protect the women and children, weak and poor, instead of preying on them like worldly men do. let these men rise up to conquer lust and pride, and to spread justice over their respective domains. help me be like one of these men. i wanna run after Your own heart.

didn't even get to say hi on *that* day :(

found this on ronice's blog and its so true (:

Thank You

Thank You, Lord, for always shielding my heart from flaming arrows.
Thank You for showing me mercy when I least deserve it.
Thank You for the handful whom You've entrusted to me, that even if the world turned against me I can still count on them.
Thank You for going through it first, and then now showing me a glimpse of what it feels like to be You.
Guess I should take it more seriously the next time I sing "I want to be like Jesus", cos it sure costs.
And thank You, Father, for Your glorious and eternal love for me.
Amen.

Happy v-day, Dad. I love you too.


Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. - John 8:36

oh, and i think our plan (your plan actually hehe) isn't gonna come to pass... sigh... but its ok. shouldn't make important decisions based simply on a "special" date...

thanks for being such a supportive friend anyways. on this valentines, its rewarding to know that although there's no romance to look forward to, at least there are friendships to treasure (: friendships are also about love yea? (: so yupp, thanks for all you've done ! (: MUSTTALKSOONOKAYYYY

and to all my close friends, whom i shan't list cos there's a chance i'll miss out somebody, just wanna say a big "iloveyouuuu" on this very special lovely day (: i hope God will bless our relationships and may our friendships grow stronger in the coming year !

happy v-day, again (:

would you be my valentine?

its v-day again :(

i remember since sec 1, i told myself each year that "by next year, i need to have a girlfriend". that's so that i won't feel lonely and left out. to make things worse, i pass by orchard on my way home. by JC, i kinda grew out of it, cos by then i knew God had a plan for me, and i don't "need" a girlfriend to be fulfilled. but as i grew older, having a girl/boyfriend seems more and more normal amongst my friends, and being single seems more and more out-of-place. still, i know that i'm set apart from this world, and the culture of the world is not my portion. nonetheless, i have a longing. and its a good thing.

i don't need a girlfriend, but i desire one.

and ohhhh.... sec 1 was 10 years ago !! O.o i'm old.

to all who are single, happy valentine's (: and 恭喜发财 !

hey, i watched you grow up. today, when i saw you at dinner, i realised you looked so much like your mum, and you're becoming prettier (: it always delights me to see you. for one, you really resemble someone whom i've liked before. not that i like you in that way (we're blood related) but it just that it makes my heart so much more tender towards you, cos of your personality and such.

you know, it really saddened my heart to suddenly hear you throw an "f" when you lost a game just now. you're supposed to be a treasure in the family. you are a treasured sister to me, and i try to show that each time our families gather. maybe you're growing older, and in a girls school culture is just as such, but i hope and pray to God that you will be different. and i hope that one day you will enter into a glorious relationship with our true Father, who has created you to be a princess (:

Lord, I pray that in this Chinese New Year I will get to shine Your light into my family and friends. may they grow one step closer to knowing You cos they have seen me living out in light. and I pray for her, whom You've placed so deeply in my heart, that she'll realise what a treasure she is in Your sight and put off the ways of the world. would you cover her, O Lord. win her over.

I love you, Sushan.

you.aRe.sUPerGLuEd.tO.My.hEaD.

i'm so longing for the next time i get to see you, but then when i do i'll be so lost and i'll try.to.act.natural.but.then.inside.me.i'm.pumping.like.crazy....... and then i'll long for the next time we get to meet again.

haha kelsie said that even your unglam photos look pretty ! (i AGREEEE!)sigh... but still must remain friends, until God on high who knows it all and sees the bigger picture gives me the green light. and i'm only afraid that it won't be you in the end, which means that i'll just be wasting my emotions today......

hahaha this vid is cute (:





i think its a really catchy and creative way of reaching out to the average singaporean with regards to raising awareness the SARS virus. so much better than the mrt one we see today. (sigh...) when the p4 kids today asked me what's singapore music, as opposed to caribbean, european, chinese, indonesian, indian etc etc, i showed them this video as an example. i think its perfectly and uniquely singapore, with local flavours such as "lah" and "tahan". only singaporeans can understand this LOR :D

we've been friends these many years. i remember how several years ago we were able to talk and laugh and share deeper things. but somehow as we grew older, you began to change, such that today, i don't really know even how to say hi to you. i still treasure you as a friend. you know, it pained me when you couldn't reach your dreams in uni, and i was happy when i heard that you had found a path to fulfil your dream, although i don't say it. cos i really don't know how.

it really pains me to see things like that. i don't really blame you for changing, for that's what growing up is supposed to be about i guess. and you're still serving God in church, so i suppose you're still okay overall. but how i wish i could tell you that i really want to be friends like before. maybe i'm being overly sentimental about friendships and you might think that i should move on. maybe i don't understand what you're going through. i don't think i do anyway. but i'll continue praying to God to restore this friendship that really meant a lot to me, especially during my army days. He's restored relationships in my life before, and i'm trusting Him to do the same to this one.

doing the right thing

whoa whoa i feel like some charity mascot...

today in the train, an old man led a blind lady into the mrt train, but no one gave up their seat (what a shame!)... so i told jianing "wah ugly singaporean!" with my voice raise a bit so that people around will hear. there was this middle aged man, looks malay, besides us who tilted his head as if to see who's saying it.

me: "should i do something about it?"
jianing: *gestures that i should*
me: "its the right thing to do right?"
jianing: "mmm" (in agreement)

so i "excused me" my way to the row of seats and asked the people sitting if anyone wanted to give up their seat.

me: "erm anyone want to give up your seat to these two?"

chinaman: stare at me as if i was speaking alien language (like you couldn't see those two standing in front of you, *******) thank God i'm a Christian with self control or i would have hurled unpleasant words in Mandarin

a young man few seats away: immediately got up, which makes me wonder what's with his lack of initiative, or was he just plain blur

man sleeping: got up immediately after the chinaman bumped him while standing up

and then...

blind lady: "its ok, its ok" (what do you mean its ok! i'm not doing it for you really, but for righteousness sake!)

old man: 谢谢你

me: 不用谢。是因该得。

确实是因该得！哪管给这些可恶烂态度的臭小子面子！

back to channel 5...

after the two of them sat and i turned and walked back to jianing, the malay guy gave me a thumbs up ! haha so he was watching the whole thing, including my conversation with jianing.

jianing: "so how does it feel?"
me: "rewarding."

that was rewarding. i don't really blame the china guy, cos after all he's a foreigner in our country and is still in the "survivor" mentality. its a very chinese thing, selfish and family-ish, like how many chinese aunties always rush for seats and forcing their kids to sit down if not other people will take their seat. i'm angry and empathetic at the same time. its ridiculous, but i also can't point a finger at them - they know not love cos little has been shown to them.

which increases the responsibility of Christians like me, who have received much and ought to give much. that is why i felt what i did was VERY significant, because to those who witnessed my display of kindness, i have invalidated their excuse that they do not know what love looks like, because i have just given them a glimpse.

another experiencial point is that i realised the importance of rubbing righteousness into one another. for this case, i had a friend to support me in the situation, which kinda rubbed courage into me to do the difficult but right thing. also, i had to rise up in some way cos i felt responsible to her, a younger girl who is watching to see what a Christian young man believes and does. i hope she was impacted (:

tho, i have done similar things in the mrt before when i was alone - i asked a little girl WHO WAS SITTING ON THE PRIORITY SEAT to give it up to an old lady standing right beside her. she went up to her mother who was standing nearby, and the mum stared at me. in my heart, i was like WHOA, YOU STILL GOT THE CHEEK TO STARE ME IN THE EYE, BECAUSE OF PARENTS LIKE YOU YOUNG CHILDREN ARE BEING SPOILT, YOU ********!!!!!! but for her daughter, i believe she has learnt from that incident, and she'll be one step further away from becoming like her mother, i hope!

sigh, rich singapore, ugly singaporeans. i've never felt so important in upholding noble values in public before, cos it seems that there're so few of us. i hope i'm not alone.

oh and as i approached home, i held the door for this really old indian lady who asked me to as she slowly walked through it, after which i gave her my hand at her request and led her to the nearby seat.

helping people. doesn't make me feel like i'm being me.
but i know its the right thing to do.

phew submitted my paper on time (:

oh Lord, why did you make her so... JAW-DROPPING stunningly beautifully HOT? (it sounds pretty much surface but its not. i just don't wanna saound all mushy here)

bleah... can't let emotions get the better of me... oh God please help me focus...


and you, yes you (: you're not immature (: you can't get off my mind too sometimes (: sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good wayyy... still, you're not immature (: in fact you're very mature to be able to see school, church etc the way you do (: yupp WANNA TALK TO YOU SOON !

very interesting day today.

had a nap in the afternoon, and i dreamt of lee kuan yew visiting my family for a meal! haha how cool is that. he was sitting beside me at the table, and his bodyguards some distance away, and we talked, like a family hahaha!

had dinner at makan place with dad and mum. didn't really want to be there with them, but as i thought, it was a good opportunity to connect. its like, the whole school atmosphere doesn't quite fit with parents being around. BUT, as i considered the people i adore and how i would want to spend time with them, i realised that my parents would actually feel the same way towards me! i mean, if i had a son, i'd like to spend time with him, talk to him, bring him up in a way so that girls will chase after him etc, right?? and if i have a daughter, i'll sooooo cherish her and lavish on her and bring her out and tell her how pretty she is, but i won't spoil her tho. so yea i sat there "guai-ly" with them.

and, in the light of my balancing work and school and night meetings in church, which is becoming intense, i figured that compared to many of my classmates who are working full time, have kids etc, i'm quite well off. i should cherish my place in uni, and the privilege of having more time to handle my responsibilities.

assignment due in less than 23 hours, and i'm still less than halfway through. but i have it all planned out. will mad rush from 2-11pm tomorrow. thankfully, i got the night free. oh Lord, please help me. You are in control.

almost all my nights are taken up. mondays school, alternate tuesdays youth core, wed school/jyc meetings, friday cell. and i'm waking up before sunrise every single weekday. i'm surprised i've survived so far. in fact, i'm tuning into the rhythm. tomorrow's crunchtime. it'll show whether this lifestyle is suitable. i know it'll turn out alright. God's grace is upon me.

ohhhh this peace that surpasses understanding, it arouses my curiosity. i haven't felt so spiritual for so long. maybe it because i'm going through a tough phase, so God's grace is more tangible in times like this.

and sunday's v-day (:

i'm amazed at how much peace i'm having despite the piling responsibilties that are amounting.

just this morning , i managed to finish doing the bulletin in time to go for worship practice. it all started last night when i was preparing for my usher duty, taking my usher shirt and putting it in my bag, before remembering that i needed to do the jyc bulletin which i totally forgot about ! for a split second, a heavy weight of stress rested on my shoulders. but i quickly planned for the morning, asking dad and mum if we could leave home at 8 instead, cos chao requested that worship prac started at 9am sharp! you know, problems cease to be when we respond with providing solutions. immediately, i felt phew and proud of myself that i didn't just go to bed sulking and thinking what a mad rush sunday morning's gonna be.

then there's assignment, which is due in like 48 hours. i'm less than halfway through, but i just felt that since today is sunday, i shouldn't bother myself with week-ish stuff, cos its the sacred Sabbath. i brought my heavy book and laptop, but didn't use them. after YC, i had jyc meeting, played grabble with sharon and may, and watch the most interesting game of carrom ever ! chao and tany vs matthew and benwu. so many near-wins and hilarious misses hahahaha but ultimately tany and chao won with a fine touch! back to assignment, i'm still working on it, but no stress, in spite of the fact that i need to wake up at 530 tmr and work till 12 and come home tired, skip my usual nap and continue doing till its time to go for classes in the evening, and then after classes come home and do till late again then tues wake up at 515!!! zzz BUT still, there's just such a strong presence of peace in my heart. love you God! thank you so much! You're so amazing, everyday to the next!

phhheeewwww...

oh, and we're good (:
the amount of sleep i lost and the amount of agonising i went through cannot be compared to the joy out of that "five minutes". that was really important to me, and your response just threw that heavy mountain-load of burdens into the sea. thanks (: you matter a lot.

quote of the day: girls are important, but friendships matter wayyy more.

thank You Lord. You are faithful, and You work all things together... for my good.

before just about a year ago, i never gave much thought to you, except, at times, sighing about what a concern you were as you went about your own immature ways.

today, you can't seem to get off my mind... in every good and wonderful sense.

just went jogging, and God gave me a revelation:
one of the founding values of YC is that it should be a place where it is safe to make mistakes. therefore, it is in line with our values that we be open and honest with each other about our good and bad, successes and mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, joys and woes etc etc. in order to make sure YC is a safe place, there shouldn't be judgement whenever someone opens up to share, but rather grace. by this grace i live, and in this grace i trust. whoa... i feel good already (:



i had an interesting conversation with chifai about my birthday...
Chi Fai says:
good good
any goals or resolution this year?
Ivan [2010] says:
not sure
never thought about it
Chi Fai says:
haha, should have one
Ivan [2010] says:
haha ok i think about it


i should seriously consider some goals this year...
1. girlfriend?
2. girlfriend?
3. girlfriend?
its not working...

haha jkjk i shall SERIOUSLY CONSIDER before posting (:

i couldn't sleep last night, cos i was thinking and thinking and thinking...

i suppose you were tired, cos you kept running and running and running...

When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all


If there's ever one thing I need, its forgiveness.
I need You, Saviour.

sigh... my bad. i know you're frustrated.

i've been thinking about how to say this all week, so i'm writing it down in case i forget. i'll also make it a point to talk face to face.

i was at my weakest point, and i really wanted to pour out. some of what was said were exaggerated, especially the extreme ones. i felt lousy, so in that state i wanted to prove how lousy i was, which was a bad idea. that was a battle. BUT, the other half of the story, which i didn't mention, is that beyond what i was going through, the fire of victory burns in me, so i don't give in to the thoughts/feelings. they leave as soon as they come. i don't know who invented them, but i'm adament about being a light and teacher of the Word, and i know after the battle i'll be stronger. as a close friend, i wanted you to see how i faced my giants. not a pretty sight, i admit.

just observe me in the weeks to come, and you'll know that i'm good.

emo

i used to think valentine's day was lonely. but my birthday's worse.

i feel like i'm growing old alone. don't really have anyone to share my sentimental thoughts and experiences with. its a good place to be though. not that i enjoy pitying myself - i don't - but i guess loneliness has a certain kind of good in it, though its hard to point out exactly what. for one, it brings me closer to God. adam was lonely in the garden, and things were supposed to be perfect. so loneliness isn't "evil" in that sense.

was emo-ing at NP/SIM today, cos tomorrow's my birthday, yet i dont really know who's gonna be excited for me. i don't expect anyone to be really, and i don't blame anyone. almost teared at makan place. this song kept ringing in my head:

When I look into Your holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround me become shadows in the light of You

I worship You
I worship You
The reason I live is to worship You


worshipping alone. no one else understands. no one else interferes. its a good place to be.