Gemma Arterton (: I like her eyes!

Just watched this movie with Yap, and it kept me thinking about how us human beings are so fascinated by happy endings, where the prince and princess live happily ever after. It makes me wonder too if God did place such a perfect dream in my heart. And if He did, the next question would be, if not now, why am I feeling it now?

Or is "happily ever after" just a fable? It appears more and more people are believing it as such. Perhaps that's why guys are being so open about their lust. But it's always been like that. What's changing is that fewer and fewer girls are treasuring their treasure. They no longer feel the need to save themselves for someone special, perhaps because they don't believe it. It's sad.

But I believe in happily ever after. I once did a survey, and with regards to my romantic life, it says that I'm "hopelessly romantic". I kinda agree. I hold on to such *feelings* really tightly, although I know not to impose anything on the other party. So it remains that I am but a fool in love.

I dream about perfection (:

I just want to be the superhero whom you'd cry out for when you're in distress
But only you can decide whether my powers are good enough
It is every boy's dream to be a hero
Am I qualified to be yours?

There are so many superheroes around, one or two especially powerful
Having tasted their powers, you'll probably do well without mine
You know, it's really painful when I try to do a good superhero job
When the very powers that I have to offer aren't really needed

I've been playing a lot of blues lately. On the guitar. Cause when the *feelings* step in and it seems difficult to cope, the joy of creating tunes kinda crack me up. It also helps that I've been spending a lot of time in church, studying in the hangout, although I can't really focus most of the time, cause there's a guitar there! Especially after wed's paper, I can't really focus on my next paper which is coming monday. But still, exam's aren't the most pressing things in my mind. Perhaps cause I know I'll prolly pass. Mugging is just a matter of how badly you want an A. And at this point, I don't really care, cause, I mean, I really don't value the "standard path" that much anymore. I'll still study, but I won't make it a priority. I just wanna take things easy and find out more about what life really is - that which God intended for it to be.

Adam and Eve weren't created for exams and meeting expectations. There were created for relationships - something they don't teach in schools these days. So yeah, relationships. The source of my greatest joy, and also my greatest pains. The joys are worth keeping. Every moment. But the pains... I've been searching for a solution. And recently, it dawned upon me. Time and again it is brought up. It's the central theme of the Bible. Yet many people miss it! It's forgiveness.

I've been trying to walk in forgiveness, putting aside every hurt and trusting God that He will be faithful to heal as long as I choose to release a person into forgiveness. The hurt doesn't always go away immediately, and I'll have to find ways and means to bide my time as God does His work. I won't give up on forgiveness, cause it's Jesus' love language, and so it shall be as mine too.

Meanwhile, when silly reminders arouse the pains, setting my emotions spinning into the blues, I'l just pick up the guitar, sing a song or two, playing the blues till the blues cease to be blue.

Music is powerful, I tell you. Thank God for it.

if it's true, then I understand. it's okay.

//

Read Acts today. I wanna be like Paul, pursuing Jesus all the way unto death. But for the past few years, it seems like i've been chasing practical things, like a degree, future prospects, ideas, family etc. and somehow, I've left the passion I had as a teen. I remember being devoted to almost every single Church event, like 100%. Army killed that, of course, with the weekends gone. It's practical, it's needed, but it also changed my mindset a bit. True, that we can't always be present for Church events, but since then, the appeal of practicality in the way I view things and in the choices that I make seems pretty high. Perhaps it's about time I looked back at, say, 17, and learn from the Ivan then.

Pursuing God unto death. It's pain in life that brings me back to such fundamental joy. Like, suddenly everything seems meaningless, and what's left is the hope that I buried deep in my heart. I don't wanna lose it. Really. Even if it means that I'm going to die a horrible death, or if I'm not going to get married at all (ouch!), or if I'm going to have to leave all my friends and loved ones etc etc. I need to place God first.

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

these words are easy to sing, but takes a whole lot of self-denial to really mean.

"I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way."
- Sharon Liang

mann... if a girl lady could live up to this, then surely I can, right?
C'mon Ivan. Be a man... after God's own heart!

Insecurity... it's poison I tell you.
Affects my temper, makes me unsettled, having the BIG need to laugh at something, having the need to belong, makes me say stupid things, spoils relations, dissatisfied with EVERYTHING, longing for more of Idontknowwhat... ARGH!!!

Then God spoke.

All you need is faith like a mustard seed, Ivan.
Faith. Like a mustard seed.
Insecurity makes you imagine things that are not there.
It tells you you're insufficient when I've already given you abundance.
It blinds you from the blessings in your life that are a cause for joy.
It seeks to leave you withered like a dead leaf.
Hear my voice. It's guiding you every step. You only have to pay very close attention to know what I'm saying. It's the voice of comfort. The voice of Truth. It tells you a different story of what's really going on - the truth, that is.

and off goes the load.

I should do QT now.

to all my sisters (:

this sounds kinda in-your-face
but wells, it's true

Amen.

Show me Your ways, O Lord.
Without You, life's a mess.
I want to know You more and more.

ahhhh shucks! i figured it.
and i'm sorry.
can you forgive me please please please please pleaseeeee??
I should have been more sensitive...
it wasn't negative. I promise!
i mean, I have NEVER for one moment thought you looked unimpressive...
Really!
From the bottom of my heart,
I promise!
*puppy eyes?*

ohhh mannn... I was sooo looking forward to coffee ):
stupid mouth fingers

I feel kinda separated. from things that i want. which is kinda good in a sense, cause it keeps me in reality. i can't really have everything that i want right... so believing that i'm kinda not suited for those things kinda keeps me humble a bit. which is good. i'm tired of being proud and having it all nice. although, the feeling's great, i've to admit. but with great gain comes also great fear of loss. so in the end, they cancel each other out. nothing is really "gain" at all. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that.

sigh... it's tough to have desires. How I wish I didn't have to like someone, or I didn't have to want things badly... isn't that so much better? there's just so much freedom in not having silly desires for silly things that can't be mine in the first place. I want that freedom back. I remember one of the best times, in J1. I didn't like anyone for a period. I was excited to serve in Church. I had a great time with my bros in Church. Had a group of really wacky guy friends too in school. And I was really into PlanetShakers and stuff, which really helped in my spiritual growth too. It was awesome. For a few months I knew I was just at the right place and at the right time. BUT all that changed in J2, starting from march hols. sigh... one thing happened after another, and now that I'm 23, it still seems that it's not gonna end. Desires are horrible.

At the end of the day, I'm still having to come to terms with that fact that only God fulfills our desires. Any other inclinations apart from Him won't really happen for us. That's the truth right in my face. Smashes my ego. Breaks my esteem. Perhaps there's where He wants me to be. Broken into pieces. I can't see any beauty at the moment. Really. My heart is cut. Maybe I'm blind too. I'm really good at messing things up in the end.

Maybe that's why studying helps. It keeps me away from the affective side of life. It keeps me in another world. In that world, I don't really have to feel or think that deeply. I just have to read, understand, write, and try to remember. It's systematic and orderly. No 2 ways about it. And I just have to keep going, topic after topic, page after page, chapter after chapter. It's nice to have routine stuff to do. Just keeps you occupied so that you forget about painful things.

And I was thinking today, how I wanna die. I mean, in all things, it's always good to have in mind how you want the end to turn out right? So yeah. I'm ruling out suicide, of course. But maybe I wanna volunteer to Afghanistan or something. In the army, there's routine. And in the heat and sweat, there really isn't room for emotions. Good for softies like me. And I get to die a noble death too, if it happens. I've always wanted to do lonely things, like, separate from the normal system of studies-work- get married-have children-etc etc-die. It's boring. really. I mean, I'd wanna get married, but I wanna do different things. And the things I have in mind, I don't think any girl would be interested anyway. sigh...

ok. I'm going on and on. should stop here. time to sleep.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
- Philippians 3:8

You know, as if you didn't know,
Only God says the first three words without EVER saying the fourth.
That's why He's the most beautiful thing.
But few people even bother respond to such sweetness.
They say its too good to be true.
And they complain about how their lives aren't that good.
It's fear that grips the hearts of man,
Stubborn refusal of what plainly is their heart's desire.
They won't don't believe.
The most loving and devoted person probably hurts the most.
C'mon guys, let's put a stop to this.
We need to respond to His loving-kindness
It's not about earning a ticket to heaven
But turning back to our First Love
And telling Him that we love Him too
And really mean it from the bottom of our hearts.
With our hearts and our deeds
Let's prove to the world
What miracles true love can really do!
In the name of Jesus we pray Love.

suddenly, the feeling's gone.
thinking about it feels kinda gross now.
do i still... ?
hmm
or maybe it's just today.

heh.

I hope God controls my desires, cause I can't really make sure I have the "right" feelings.

stayed over at Ian's last night, and had a good talk about... *stuff*. yeah...

basically, I gathered that I'm not in a season of relationships.
which I feel is true.
but I just needed to hear it from someone. with authority.
like, for a clear direction or something, not just my own intuition.

so yeah. I'm glad that at least there are some lines drawn, and I have a direction in this area (:
phewww...

//

oh yea, remember that assignment I was struggling with?
I scored 86% (an A+) (:
really helped to pull up my average, although the coming exam is the real deal...

anyways, here are some screen shots of my marked paper:

this is my favourite part of the essay: the conclusion (:
you might notice errors, such as "appears to be" instead of "appear to be" (line 3)

and "voices masses" instead of "voices of the masses" (line 6).
and like, I managed to get 86 despite such errors. heh.
God is funny.

and I simply love MLK.
He was a history maker in his generation.
I wanna be like that too in mine (:

and here's my tutor's comment:

(:
it's really amazing how such a fluent essay could be produced out of a state of tiredness, weariness, sadness and struggles, and the fact that I was rushing through.
it's God's grace. really.
I'm quite amazed myself when I read it again this time after it was marked.

oh, and TMA stands for "tutor marked assignments". it just means assignments.

//

eggzams.... ahhh... I hope that my tutor's right when she said that I could do "equally well or even better in the exams." I know it's a bit far-fetching, but I'm hoping to get a GPA score of 5.0 for a couple of modules so as to pull my overall average to above 4.5, which is a First Class Honours (: my current average GPA is 4.38. (of course, to qualify for an honours I also have to do a 4th year, which, at this moment, I'm not exactly comfortable with) still, it makes sense to wanna do well right? heh. I haven't been this academically "smart" since primary school. seriously. getting A's and 80+ percentage for my work was unheard of in sec school and JC (I'm exaggerating la. there were few - very few - cases in sec school where I scored A for this or that. but definitely not in JC).

but in the end, it's God's will. I totally didn't expect to do this well in uni in the first place. cos of my O's and A's, I never really felt like I was a academically-inclined person. but I feel that ever since I came to SIM, His message to me has been that I can do it. like, how the systems in sec school and JC didn't really cater to my strengths, and how, perhaps, uni will unveil these strengths (: it touches me to know that. really. although SIM isn't exactly a good school to begin with - people won't usually put "SIM" and "academic proficiency" in the same sentence... but still, it's uni after all, and doing well in it counts! at least, that's what God's been saying to me.

you can do it, Ivan! (:

//

hehe, Ronice, this is for you (:

yeah, I have this Singapore English module, which has no exams (: that's why I chose it
so, here's how I am assessed:
TMA 1 - 20%
TMA 2 - 30 %
End of Course Assessment (ECA) - 50%

both TMA 2 and the ECA are based on a sample voice recording which I'm supposed to record. then I'm supposed to introduce and describe it in TMA 2, and analyse in detail for the ECA. which means, 80% of this module depends on Ronice!!

and, I'm proud to say that my tutor liked her speech too (:
here's her comment on my TMA 2 (:

hehe so yeah, she likes Ronice, and her background and stuff, and she gave me marks for that :P
and the reason I'm still not getting down to studying for exams is because I'm still working on the tedious ECA, which is due this Friday. but of course, I intend to submit by tomorrow, cause I wanna start studying already!

so anyways, thanks Ron (:
tag me if you read this (:
and remember I owe you ice cream (:

//

I know this post sounds like I'm bragging about my good scores and stuff, but honestly, I'm not. I just wanna share my experience with those close to me. Especially if you're a secondary school student and your teachers and parents, and even the system, are telling you that you're not smart/hardworking enough... all these voices may seem discouraging and distracting right now, but in, say 5 years, these voices will be totally irrelevant. As you grow older, you'll find that people's judgment of you changes, and only God's affirmation of you stays the same throughout.

studies... they are important. but only God tells you who you are.
do not give that right to another.

everyone needs healing, and there are few who won't admit it.

only major difference is, there are those who receive it from God, and there are those who just talk (a lot) about it.

yes it's true (:
and I hope the time's approaching
when I can very vulnerably and rightly
say the words I've been saving all these years
words that I've determined to keep
for just one beauty in my lifetime
until,
with an esteem so silly
but a heart never less ready
finally combining heartfelt meanings
with an utterance that ring:

"May I have the honour?"

In His time. Ivan. In His time.

being involved in someone's proposal (Ian's) recently has kinda made me think more about my own marriage. I've always wanted to marry young, although, I really leave it to God's timing. if He says wait till i'm 30 plus, then so be it, although I personally hope He wouldn't say that lah...

yeaaahhh... but before I get married, i go to find a girlfriend first right? and to find a girlfriend, i've got to be really good friends with *her* first ya? whoever she may be (although my sixth sense tells me a lot of people in church are already speculating...) but yeah, i'm still looking ;)

sigh.... i don't hate being single tho. in fact, i'm loving it (: but its just that at my age, i kinda have to start thinking about relationships in realistic terms, unlike school days when it's just about having crushes and whether you get to talk to her, ask her out, or who you get to hold hands with (if any). the practicality of things like saving for a HDB flat or getting a stable job etc kicks in really hard these days... something i didn't really understand as a school kid, until NS and beyond...

so yeah, my personal hope is to get married around upper-mid 20s, and have a child by 30. I don't know if that's just me, or did God place such silly numbers in my head. either ways, its really bothering me nowadays, cause i'm already 23. but say if i'm supposedly going to marry when i'm like 30 plus, then what's the point of thinking about these things now, right? that's what's confusing me. but since the nature of things is such that i'm single, and i can't exactly go up to someone and ask her out officially... at least not now, like now now. (i really don't know about this. there may well be... someone. i don't know. depends. i'm confused heh) so i guess i should just remain thankful and live my singlehood life to the fullest until something happens...

i don't know. seems like i'm a bit irresponsible right? the guy should be the one proactively seeking. well, i am. just that there's no clear "go" at this moment i suppose. so yeah. argh! ...

God please help me. I need more than just some pretty photos. give me a clear focus in my life right now, cause i don't have a clue about the stuff that's rushing inside of meee!

another part of me tells me it's coming soon (: ohh wells, we'll see.
most importantly, this song shall be my guide:

All the way my Saviour leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Yes. Jesus doeth all things well. even if I'm gonna remain single forever.
I will abide.

I remember I used to swear a lot. Since primary 2.
At primary 4, I became a devil. seriously.
Cause the school bus bully went to secondary school
so I felt free from his clutches and so became the new "king"
scolding the maid, my siblings, as if I were simply breathing
I only held back when my parents came home
still, the poison I was spewing... I'll prolly own anyone I've ever known
but I'm not proud of it
though, I think its a phase everyone goes through
although, nonetheless, I think I started off a bit too young
but the good things was, by P6, I got tired of it
also cos YC had started, and I was really influenced to take God seriously
plus, even my non-Christian "bestest" friend thought I was overboard
so yeah, I had to stop.
clean record for 3 years
then, in sec 3,
one time I was utterly frustrated with my band junior(s)
"F!!!"
but since then till now, clean record (:
even in army
I remember one time in BMT, I really felt like complaining
like the rest of my section
cause it was totally frustrating, tiring, meaningless etc etc...
but somehow I held back my tongue.
God's grace.
May my tongue bring healing to a lost and dying generation.
if even I as a Christian don't uphold the truth, how much less hope have they got...

when I first watched this movie, I floated for 3 days (:
it was during NS
kinda weird how (really, really strong) feelings change, but well,
God has His plans
and He works in the desires of our hearts for His own glory (:

Having watched Ip Man 2 (twice), I have been thinking a lot about Chinese culture & history. Having been in a SAP (Special Assistance Programme) school for 10 years, a lot of Chinese culture and sense of identity has been inculcated in me.

(For those who don't know, SAP schools are the rather cheena top schools that the government has preserved after wiping out the last of the Chinese-ed schools in 1987. Even then, these schools teach all examinable subjects in English, except Mother Tongue, of course. However, there are a lot of programmes and periods within our curriculum that are conducted in Chinese. Moral Education was in Chinese from P1 till Sec 2. In Catholic High, we had calligraphy lessons in sec 1 and 国画 - Chinese painting - in sec 2. We even had Confucius ethics classes throughout lower sec...)

I know... it's really cheena right? Our school song is also in Chinese, heh.

But I loved it. I was trained to understand the importance of Chinese as a language. But beyond that, I was taught to be embrace the essence of Chinese culture and morality. It wasn't just a language or an art. It was identity. Like, in Church, where there's MGs and ACs all over, and it's like a matter of fact thing where people just do poorly for Chinese... No one really understands the depth of Chinese, feel proud of it, or appreciate it as much as I do... sigh... Even though I don't really use Chinese in everyday life, I made sure I did pass it during my 'O's and 'A's.

I really enjoy Chinese thought, or philosophy. A majority of it is biblical. Like, starkingly. Like, how there is continuity in history, or that there is an order of things that should be actively preserved by us stubborn humans... "Education" is not a means to know things or get a good job. It is about moral values, life lessons, identity, getting the bigger picture, and realising that we don't know that much after all. That's why our 课本 is all about stories. We learn best about life when we read about how good people past and present have lived theirs. It is in this context that we are (supposedly) taught the language.

I really love Chinese ideals. They're pure in essence, but practiced legalistically by our ancestors. That's why Confucianism has become such a rigid stupid thing. Its not supposed to be that way, if you even take a peek in the Classics. Taoism - it isn't even a religion in its original essence. Buddhism - its not even Chinese. At this point, I'd like to just briefly state that a lot of Chinese written sources match the Old Testament of the Bible. My ancestors, at one point while already identifying themselves as Chinese, knew God!

That's why I'm adamant to keep up with Chinese. I'm interested in the language, southern dialects such as Canto and Teochew (Mandarin is really but a dialect in northern China, made compulsory only because Beijing is the capital and the government officials speak it), history, culture etc. But ultimately, I'm still on the journey to figure out why God created me to be a Chinese - and one who is in Singapore at that.

I believe the reason is not simple. I believe it's the key to my destiny.
O wells, who knows, I may save China one day (:

This weekend was tiring, but awesome.
In encounter, in spiritual battles, in relationships, in duty.
God is awesome.
There is none like You.

For all that's happened on Saturday, thank You Lord.
It was amazing.
From the seat to the proposal.
I think I know what to do...
Soon (:

In the end, all of history will be summed up in 2 words: God wins.
- Joel Wong

Being emo is the most selfish thing, because all that really matters is how you feel.
- Ian Wong

2 amazing brothers I'll forever be grateful for. (:

Congratulations, Ian (:

IthinkI'maddictedto you

sheesh... Just thinking...

How are you doing? What's running through your mind? Are you comfortable? Are you stressed?

sigh... I can solve every problem but this...ohhhsillyme

Lord, You have been kind to me.
You did not give me riches
You did not give me a genius mind
You did not give me fame
But You gave me a heart.
Your heart.

I did not have friends in my darkest hour, so I learnt to be concerned.
I did not have money to buy food sometimes, so I learnt to give.
I was not able to control how others viewed me, so I learnt to persevere.

Your fire refines my heart as gold. Now I understand.
Now, I pray "give me a pure heart" with a much deeper seriousness.
I know it does not come easy.
But You are good and faithful. Your love reaches to the heavens.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
- Matthew 5:8

gonna send aaron off tmr.
so fast.
it was my turn 4 yrs and 5 months ago (i was dec batch)
and now, i'm seeing someone who was sec 2 at that time i went in. heh
maybe 4 yrs later he'll say the same about... wei en? or arms... that batch of guys

which brings me back to army days.
up till now, it's still unclear why certain things had to happen...
in the making of a better man.
it's not an all smooth journey.
the tears, emotions, and all the ARGH moments.
wishing i had a girlfriend (stupid but real, cos we're all desperate)
wishing someone was there (LOLs that's soooo yesterday)
wishing someone texted me during the day
cause it totally - pardon me - sucks when no one remembers.
even for a day.
cause its just so dreadful.
and lonely. which is the worst part.
its not imagined. its real. physically detached from everything i loved.
Wish I had a better resolve.
but in my human nature when the atmosphere is the least "conducive" for worshiping God
I went along my human ways
doing what broken and lonely people do.

literally, no one can be there for you when you need someone.
really. no one can. really...
that is, until... you realise that God is there.
He was there. He has been there.
And it was He who didn't give up on me, even when I ran away.

I remember it was Pastor Sam's sermon.
In my confusion, guilt, desperation, loneliness...
He preached a message that gave me the strength to stand
And believe that I'm okay and good, because God has given me grace
And I remember the verse till this day:

For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again... (NKJV)
The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. (NLT)
for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again... (NIV)
- Proverbs 24:16

That's right. Even the righteous and godly fall. Many times. But what sets them apart is that they rise each time.

Thank you Pastor Sam. Thank You Jesus.

The temptations may come, and you may find yourself weak in certain areas. But it's part and parcel of learning and growing to finally becoming a man after God's own heart.

So, Aaron, brave the storm. God bless you. I believe in you.

bought a new journal, finally! (:
now i can continue writing heartfelt stuff and spew names all over heh :P
guess who themed my first entry
you'll know it if you know me well enough ;)

//

good good friend, sheep, sister, my little girl (:
in acknowledgment of your being a blessing in my life
thanks for the times, especially... *the usual place*
appreciate your ears, your heart, and just being around
Some persons I like, and there are some whom I simply need
definitely, God is the ultimate One whom I ultimately need.
but He places key people in our lives to teach us about relationships
and you quinky little fella taught me more than any scholar ever could
on lessons reaching deep into my heart
all in just the person that you are
(:
(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

Family Camp.
Brings back memories. Which is why I'm excited!

But also, many things have changed.
I guess the dynamics this time will be different.
But it's nobody's fault really.
Things change.
Only God remains the same (:

But I can feel it coming.
The power.
The healing.
The difference.
And it will be good.

The evidence of God's presence in all of us:
The old makes way for the new and better!
Christ shall be our unity.
In God we trust.

The tide is turning, this is redemption's hour.
Family Camp.
WOOTS!

The prove of a man is in his ability to inspire the next generation with the battle scars that once hurt so deeply, but after time came to be a symbol of survival and dominance.

Love costs. That's why few uphold it till the end.
And may I be that few.

He who strives for honour shall lay down his right to self gain, and pick up his shield to fend for the weak and his beloved, and his sword to slice the guts out of all who work against this purpose.

Be a man, Ivan.

Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.

I shall be a master.

don't really believe in settling personal and relational things online
cause when I say things close to my heart I really wanna look the person in the eye
and with as much comfort I can offer say how I value certain things
cause a good 90% or so of communication happens with our body language

till then, just know that:
its just me dealing with me,
dying to all that is me
in the hope that Christ will one day rescue me.

Can't focus on assignment. 2000 words due on Sunday. Original target was to finish by friday so that I can focus on the weekend. But seems like I've to delay till saturday.

sigh... I keep feeling the raging within my spirit. Its like, I can't focus on anything other than wanting to cry for help... its like I keep crying and crying, and healing comes, and I still keep pressing in and needing more... singing song after song, trying to reconnect to His presence... The pathway of worship is paved with perseverance.

But its a good place to be I guess, cause it definitely beats being occupied with gaming addiction or lustful temptations. But still, the groanings are real. Trying to figure what He is saying in this season. I'm banking on His provision, cos if this goes on I don't know whether I can finish my work on time.

One thing good, tho, is that projects are ending, so no work already. Good and bad. I've got time to do schoolwork and other stuff, but also... no pay D:

so here's what my assignment looks like after 1 whole thursday's worth of effort at around 10 plus in the night:

For a larger view:

I know... I'm so dead right? Losing to hardworking secondary school kids who can whip up an essay in 1 hour in the middle of the night just to make sure they don't get into trouble with their teachers the next day.

I need to be saved. Daily.

Thanks Nicole (: your comment was encouraging.
Thanks for regarding me well,
but I don't think I'm the kind of leader you said I am.
Wanna be like me? hehe
I wanna be like you! :P

this just moved me to tears. especially the first boy and the volleyball girl part.
my heart just sank when I saw the way the boy ran and cried.
must have been hard on him.

This made me think a lot about fathers.
The special place they have in their children's hearts.
I guess many of us don't treasure our fathers as much as those whose dads faced risk daily.

Maybe that's why God placed difficulties in our lives.
Maybe that's why things are so difficult.
Treasures are realised for what they are through tears.

Lord, I need You. Every moment of my life. I'm desperate for Your touch.
My world isn't falling. It has already fallen.
My hopes aren't faint. They cannot be seen.
My path is undone... I can't even see the next step.

So I just stay here, right where I am.
I don't know where to go, or what to reach out to.
Those who know me well know that I'm going through stuff.
Thing is, I don't even know how to explain anything.

The fire is raging. The battle is costly.
I need faith, for all my senses have failed me.
Please, Jesus, please don't pass me by...
In You alone, O Lord, I place my trust.

Cause Your name is a strong and mighty tower.
Your name is a shelter like no other.
Your name, let the nations sing it louder.
Cause nothing has the power to save, but Your name.

If there's one thing I did right, even just one, then surely it is this:
That I did not build my own kingdom, for I have nothing.
I gained nothing... but a truckload of scars, and stories of scars.

was nice talking again after all these months.
really missed "those times"
but everyone has moved on since then
its a delight to see how far you've come

sigh... i wish i knew how to handle everything.
but at least it was encouraging
to receive help when I needed welcoming
just wish I didn't have to take everything to heart

but its only cause some things just mattered to me so much

Its the wisest and most foolish thing at the same time.

Ohhh I've been having the fiercest emotional battle since army days... argh! The thoughts and impulses just keep replaying and replaying and replaying, such that I have to remind myself that I'm in class and should watch my own facial expression, my posture and overall body language so as not to frighten the kids. So I look away and create some space for myself to indulge in my battle and cries. Raging and raging, my feelings toss like a hurricane. Yet, I maintain the discipline to keep this to myself and not be overtly expressive about it. I'm madly emotional and logically sound at the same time.

You're having a go at your dreams and happiness
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but
I wish I still had the same value
Its salt in a wound that was supposed to be covered by dependence
Now, only I am the dependent one

Its childish, cos that's what a child would say. I'm a man hello?? 23 years old. Yet I'm craving for attention like a child.

Your gaze and smile pass me by
To another who's better at returning them
I don't know whether you're playing games or sincere
But I'd go for sincerity cause I don't believe you're into playing games
Sincerity, that is, not for me to receive

I lose. I fail at etiquettes. I mess genuine concern with insecurities. Its so hard to face people and smile when most of the time I'm bothered by something. I don't understand how some people do it so well. Its not like their lives are totally smooth. Playing computer games kicks the strategy in a bit, but it only delays the battle. I must have appeared so weird. I'm weird I guess. Its not a simple resignation. Its something I've tried really hard disbelieving, but I can't. I've usually been the misfit. From primary school till now. I've been made fun of, bullied, ostracised, humiliated, called names, yet I'm stupid enough not to blame anybody. I just keep to myself or cry to the toilet bowl. I'm a misfit.

My heart is shattered. I wanna scream, but I don't want anyone to hear. I don't want pity or concern. I only want that which I had lost or failed to deserve. Its simple. But its also so difficult. And then I wonder how I can lose sleep at retreat, and have the strength to go for meetings and services, play for worship, drive and talk to people, wake up and go to work on time and do everything in its allocated time, while inside me everything is in chaos. Everything. I don't even have an appetite. So the next thing, the only thing, I know to do... is to listen to worship songs.

I don't know why, but in all my sadness and pain, I take comfort in singing
my soul magnifies the Lord
or
You are my Rock in times of trouble.

Its words that lift me for a moment. I feel so stupid. Even in my worshipping. I mean, who is God? Or where is He? How do I know that I need Him? But I'll die if I don't sing them. That, I can't be more sure about. I'll really die. I don't know what else can give me even such a hint of consolation. I feel silly. But at least I get to escape for a while, genuinely.

Its foolishness in its climax. But its the wisest thing I know.

Lord I surrender.

All the pains, disappointments, desires, dreams, hopes, plans, talents... even my next breath, I surrender to You. I'm tired of wanting to have my way all the time.

I surrender all my relationships, the strained and difficult ones. They are Yours to redeem. Even if You don't, You are still God, and I will abide. I learnt that it is not about what, who or how to change, but its about changing myself. My attitudes, my dependence on You, my spiritual walk, my desires, my priorities etc. Although it hits the hardest when it comes to the ones who are closest, I believe that when I look back in years to come, I will be thankful. Your love endures forever!

I am also thankful for certain things that did turn out well (: Certain people I can talk to, brothers and sisters who can listen, and who dare to tell me that I'm wrong and need to change, or who gently advice me to see things differently. People who may not seem really close at first, but when the rubber hits the road, they're just there (: And the encouragement they give... I'm so glad I can say this about... :P hehe!!!

Yeah, and the BIG issue, or so it seems... I TOTALLY take my hands off. I don't want to control. I want to be led by God. From my motivations to my actions, let everything be littered with the will and fingerprints of God Himself. In fact, He is the One. And whoever He sends my way should be pointing to that truth.

Cell retreat was awesome. Really. Awesome. Lord, You love us. You care for us and You pursue us with a fierce passion! I love You Lord. Let nothing come in between us, I pray. No idols. Give me a pure heart. I lift my soul up to You alone. Consume my total being, Jesus take control. I want to be lost in Your love forevermore.

John 4:35
Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

As I searched God's Word for an answer this morning, I came upon this line, and it clicked! I have been surrounded by problems and issues that are immediate. And its amazing that God's answers don't always cater to the problem. Rather, He takes my eyes off them. Here it is, plain and simple: "Look at the fields!"

Having difficulty with relationships? Look at the fields!
Having trouble at home? Look at the fields!
Need healing in your heart? Look at the fields!

The good news for us is that God has prepared a harvest in every situation. If only we'd take our eyes off our petty issues and look outwardly - at the fields! What a great provision!

Yes, Lord. I will focus on Your harvest. Only You can bring me consolation and encouragement. As always. I shouldn't depend on anyone. Only You, God. Thank You so much that I can worship You even in the storm! Pheeewww! Isn't He amazing?

I have found exceeding joy
Jesus answered when I called
This name that has saved me
Pure love that embraced me

Mercy, grace, eternal life
Bought from darkness to His light
While lost in my sin, He
Raised me and made me live

My soul magnifies the Lord
My heart joys in God my Saviour
For He lifts the lowly
And He's done great things for me
I will sing, praising evermore
He is mighty, and holy is His name

I will lift my head up high
Praising Jesus through each trial
Though I have not seen Him
I love Him completely

Its the moment I've been waiting for.

But first, Father, Your will be done.

If it hurts You, stop me, somehow.

Bless me if it glorifies You.

To Your will alone I surrender.

Amen.

Its about time I bought a new journal. Need to pen down stuff that I can't explicitly write in here.

I get scared when I have free time...

Cos it means time is in my hands, and I have to make choices that decided whether the time spent at the end of the day was worthwhile. I always look forward to free days, cos its one chance to ask... nevermind.

But when it comes to the day itself, I'm afraid. I feel lost. I don't know who to call, what opportunities I'll miss if I take a certain step. If I do A, maybe I should have done B. If I did B, maybe I should have done C. There have been days when I totally felt wasted and drained with regret, simply because I wasn't satisfied with the things I did or the people I hung out with.

I wanna call some people whom I really wanna talk to, but I'm afraid they'll reject, or else they are too busy. Then I'll call some others, and then I don't get to spend the kind of quality time I had hoped to. And I can't stay at home, and I don't want to. My space is limited to the hall, literally, a circumference of 2 steps. My bed is the sofa, and my com is just 2 tables away. No, I don't wanna stay home. I wanna go out. But who and where? I'm desperate. For some direction.

I like free time. I get to sleep more. I get to do some things that I like. But its really scary.

Father, I dunno how You'll answer this prayer, but would You please give me an amazing day tomorrow? I know I need something, but I don't know exactly what. But lead me to the place, where it is the exact place You want me to be, the exact people that You're pleased with me to spend time with, and the things available that You're most want me to do.

I need You Lord. I surrender tomorrow to You. Amen.

It affects my side of the friendship 'cause everything seems awkward... EVERYTHING! Down to the hi's and what comes after that, and the comments and the complements, and the smiles and the humour, and all the hints, thoughts and guesses I have to make... I feel so torn. I'm worn out. I feel so fake and lousy with no one encouraging me rightly. I wanna die. I need to die. No longer I... No longer I... but Christ. Deny yourself, Ivan. Take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Sometimes, I wish I had a committed personal friend-leader whose advice would move me to tears cos its just so clear and simple and to the point.

Ohhh Lord, You're the last person I wanna pit myself against.
Do I make a move?
Do I pretend and ignore?
Do I flip the page for another?
I'd like to know what pleases You most.
So at least give me an answer.
And give me the right heart.
Amen.

And Mary said:

“ My soul magnifies the Lord,
And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name.
And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy,
As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”

Luke 1:46-55

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee, Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Be Thou my battleshield, sword for the fight
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower
Raise Thou me heavenward O Power of my power

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art

High King of heaven after victory won
May I reach heaven's joys O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my Vision O Ruler of all

Be Thou my Vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light


I walk alone
And my heart's cold as stone
In shades of deathly tone
Be Thou my Vision

In temptation
Appealing fleshly satisfaction
While blindness leads my sensation
Be Thou my Vision

My despair
Overwhelming lamentation
Grievances, desperation, need healing repair
Be Thou my Vision

Disappointments
Let-down moments
My heart cheated, lied to, betrayed by Confidante elements
Be Thou my Vision

In passion so enchanting
Yet mine expropriating
For honour and perfect timing
Be Thou my Vision

Lord hear my prayer.

sigh.... Xiangning (this acquaintant colleague) commented that I was cold, like, "freezing point", in her exact words, according to Alice. heh. just found out that Xiangyi also commented to Deborah (my boss) that I was kinda fierce also (to the kids, but maybe she got a shock out of it too?)... sigh...

I guess I'm kinda introvert by nature. Along the way, as I grew up, many people (friends of parents, aunties & uncles) commented that I can be really "quiet". That's true I guess. I'm not someone who feels comfortable opening up to people I'm not closed to, even in a social setting. Perhaps that's why I may appear cold to people who don't know me well.

Nevertheless, along the way, I kinda picked up social skills too, albiet with some (or much) difficulty and unnaturalness. heh I remember Gracia (hehe I bet you'll read this soon) complained I was "fierce" when she was sec 1, when I just felt tired or just thinking about stuff, and anger was totally out of my mind. So I had to work extra hard at learning how to be hyped up blah blah blah so as to satisfy her and the other kids.

Also, I somehow have this intrinsic expectation that people know how to connect with me in the "right way", if there's such a thing. Subtle exchanges based on eye contact and body language raher than mere words. So I guess, from my perspective, people ought to kinda fit into the right "posture" or "atmosphere" in terms of attitude in order to be able to connect with me.

Also, I guess I'm a deep person, and also a big-pictured one, so my outward view of things are usually based on the whole situation, rather than on the immediate circumstances. For example, when something needs to be done, I'll focus on how best to arrange everything, and in the process ignore certain quirks of people that may serve to slow me down, although I know I do not compromise relationship overall, but I just cannot entertain abrupt or petty demands for attention.

Anyways, freezing point, as many people may have experienced from interacting with me. Oh wells, God please help me to be more social, or do You prefer me this way? So help me God.

I've been semi-successful at keeping my thoughts away from the subject, at least wayyy more than just about a month ago. Been feeling more fruitful these days, becoming more and more convinced that everything is in God's hands. I might as well stay single for the next 10 years doing what He wants me to do, while I'm already learning to love it.

(By the way, it takes a lot to say 10 more years. It's something I'd say, perhaps, 8 years ago, but in my 20s, inclination is to say, the most, a few years. But seems like God is moving through my desires and reshaping them, such that I somehow really believe and like that wisdom that patience always offers the best.)

Haven't thought as much, haven't talked or even met in a while...

Today, I encountered. Natural instincts arose, but I've got better control this time. I'm captivated only by One Thing. And that's Jesus. I pray it'll stay this way forever.

You have stolen my heart
I'm captivated by You
Never will You and I be apart
I've fallen deeply in love with You

And... I surrender to You. No longer I, but Christ who lives in me, and in all those who love and fear Him. Your ways are higher than mine, and You can bear weight that is far too heavy for me. But I pray for a breakthrough soon. And heal my disappointment, Lord. It is great, but You are greater. Your love never fails, and Your hope will save the day. I believe it (: You are a jealous God.

All the praise and glory to God

All the praise and glory to God, we sing Hallelujah!

How could I forget? The Cross. The nails. The blood. The crown of thorns. The lashes. The grave.

The ressurection.

Love. The value of this word, perverted and watered down my man. Forgotten and replaced by substitutes that we idolise... that I idolise. How many times have I walked away from it. Yet, He pursues me and gives grace for me to be made right with Him once again.

I wanna worship You with all my heart. It's Your love that has saved me.

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

- John 4:13-14

Read this passage in 2 min with ultra sleepy eyes, hoping to internalise everything before I start my day off at work. I guess ever since I've been doing this projects in this semester, I haven't been having QTs for more than 10 min, to be honest. But I don't think its like backsliding. Brings me back to secondary school days when this was the case too! But evidently, I grew spiritually, even if I just tried. I guess what Jesus really looks out for isn't my outward devotion, but He appreciates and honours my efforts at trying! (: But that's not to say I'll keep it up. When I have the luxury of the whole morning, I'll devote it to Him (:

Simple and short passage, but as I thought about it with a half-conscious mind on my way to work, I began to treasure this simple truth - I will never thirst if I consume Jesus! Turning to Him, trusting in His words and plans for my life, worshipping Him alone and throughout the day in my heart and with all my attitudes... these things will satisfy my thirst.

Simple. Deep. Life-changing. Life in the fullest. The well in my belly shall overflow as I engage in deep intercessory and worship throughout the day. A lifestyle of worship. On the train, in class, in my teaching, when I'm eating, in a cinema etc.

Simple, stable, unshakable truth. In a world full of changes and shiftings... even in the best people and situations, things do go wrong. But His truth remains. What a consolation. What encouragement! I will never thirst.

In a world full of shifting sands
I'll stand firm on my God's commands
To live in His unshakable truth! (:

for reference, yours and mine...

He is in a fierce pursuit of you. When things get shaken, it doesn't mean He's not there, or that He's angry... Pause and listen. He's crying out for you to return the affection. Look over your shoulders, and you can see a Lover more desperate for you than you are of... anything. The solution, as I learnt it: worship, all the time. The most beautiful thing is this: that there comes upon a time when you can truly truly say "Lord, I don't need anything else." Anything. Any person. Any... thing. In such abandonment lies the greatest satisfaction.

Your voice is critical. You are critical. You matter. Not just to any man, but to your Pursuer.

His love is like a fire burning. We need it inside our hearts.

He won't relent until He has it all.

~ With much friendly love and affection. ~

Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another.

I realised that in everything that I engage in, there's a threshold which once crossed, leads to it becoming an idol. Spending too much time thinking about something becomes idolatry. Happened recently, in the past year i guess, or 2 years? I've been engaged in people, girl(s), ministry, work etc etc, and these things have from time to time become idols.

I realised the consequence of idolatry is not that God will punish me or something, but that His jealousy gets aroused. He gets jealous when I thought of her day and night. He's jealous when I spend my emotions and thoughts on "ministry". I love these people, but my life does not revolve around them. It revolves around God alone. He is jealous for me. For my affection, devotion, obedience etc. My God, my beloved.

WOW! God's tabernacle was built with material from Egypt. That's one awesome revelation... that precious things can be taken from the world, redeemed and be used for God's glory!

Worship, Music, Servant's Attitude

This is so key for worship musicians!

I understand like EVERYTHING she says, cos I've been through the whole struggle thing. I believe that artists do have a certain urge to "perform" and "display" rather than hold back. We have this big deal about expression and striving "to be our best" (but, really, we're trying to outdo the others). I've seen people coming by YC's worship team and asking to wanna play for worship, and when the leaders say "no" or "wait", or give them something smaller, they complain that they are not given opportunities etc. And then they leave. I'd be patient with anything else that happens outside church. But when it comes to those who have the rebellious audacity to accuse God's Church, I say to your spirit, "SHUT UP!"

Honour, humility, submission, faithfulness. These are the attitudes of worship. That's why I sometimes I refuse to use the word "worship" with things like "worship practice" or "worship jamming", cos I know its NOT the music. Really. I'd just use the words "practice" and "jamming" respectively, unless I have to be specific. The chairperson's role, or the speaker's words, is just as worshipful as the "worship session".

I have waited patiently until 18 I think, when they "promoted" me to lead worship for cell. At 20 I played for JYC. And at 22, I led at JYC. It was sometimes very tempting to compare myself with the older guys, who got to play since their early teens. But I know that God has His timing, as Kim Walker said, and I trust that He knows what He's doing. Not having opportunities doesn't mean I'm not good enough. And I don't have to keep wanting to prove myself. With what I have, I give my best. In honour, humility, submission and faithfulness.

May the artists in YC be of a different breed.

WORSHIP IS KISS

When we sang this song during YC today, I was totally shaken. Really.I just knelt down, grabbed the chair in front of me tightly, like God Himself was coming so near me. I had this vision of a rectangle, tall and wide enough for me to walk through. I was floating in space and this rectangular "gateway" kept remaining before me, as if I was invited to enter through it. I knew what it meant. God was calling me to a separate dimension. A realm of existence where His presence is more real than reality itself.

All the while I had this vision, I was consciously grabbing the chair, because I knew God was coming close. Like a husband and His wife. Intimacy. Although I can't really see it or feel it physically, I knew God was intentionally coming close. Suddenly, it didn't matter whether I was a sinner, or whether I was a good Christian or leader. He simply wanted to come close. He simply wanted me. And He was adamant about it. He didn't relent. He wants it all. So my entire spirit man screamed.

I heard it say that "worship" in Hebrew also means "to kiss". I never felt any intimacy like today. In the light of His closeness, all the guilt and past really disappeared... for the first time.

I used to be into Evanescence, a heavy metal band, cos I really liked their style. But I never thought I'd hear it play in Church. Glad that God approves of it tho(:

Fear God

During free period today, there was a quickening inside of me to wanna pray for JYC. After JYC meeting last night, it really dawned on me how seriously I ought to treat my ministry. After talking to Tany about stuff that's been happening here and there, I concluded that I need to fear God. Fear struck my heart last night.

God is holy, and even in hearing His most loving voice, something inside of me has to tremble, because He is holy, and I am not. That is the fear of the Lord.

And it wasn't just myself that needed to fear God. JYCers need to, and all Christians are called to. So it starts with the leadership. Action has to be taken. Sin has to be purged. As long as we naively think that God is all about gentleness and forgiveness, He cannot come into our lives, because He simply won't stay in a place that doesn't give Him the due respect and reverence.

So as I prayed "all I fear is You, Lord!" during free period, a song arose in me. This happens pretty often, but I never really bother jotting them down, or developing these tunes into a proper song. At most, I'll just write them in the form of a psalm in my journal, like during army (sorrowful times...). But, since I'm doing worship leading on a more frequent basis now, I decided to make it into a full song, and hopefully spread this BIG fire in my heart.

>>>Sidetrack, I'm actually realising more and more that I'm musically inclined. I mean, yea I've been learning music since 3 years old, but as I look back and ponder in recent times, I'm beginning to believe that this talent MUST be utilised to serve God, which is also in line with another point that came up during JYC meeting. >>>

So I'm fearing God. All over again. May my spiritual maturity be taken to a higher level this time. And I believe it has something to do with family camp.

I love You, Lord. Teach me to love fear You more.

"Four-year-old Paige Bennethum really, really didn’t want her daddy to go to Iraq. So much so, that when Army Reservist Staff Sgt. Brett Bennethum lined up in formation at his deployment this July, she couldn’t let go. No one had the heart to pull her away."

This is such a moving image. Little girl... makes one really have compassion for her. Her innocence, tender age, downcast face... ohhh how soft must her hand have felt to her father during those moments...

Inasmuch as we'd like to harp on the plight of the girl, I feel that people often miss out on the heart of the father. Why does he choose to go to war despite his daughter's reluctance? I'm sure his wife and other family members aren't any happier about it.

As a boy, I've always wanted to be a hero. But as I grew older, I realised the "naive" notion of being a policeman or firefighter doesn't quite fit the expectations of our parents, teachers, and society in general. What comes after doing well is school is university, degree, and a good job - the sit-in-office kind, which comes with a good salary, comfort, and a bright prospect. And as a young boy, I learnt to separate my dreams about being noble and labeled them as just "dreams" and desired the more "practical goals" in life - all the money, stability, comfort, pleasures and lies.

While I was in army, it ever so often crossed my mind to volunteer to go to Iraq or Afghanistan or something. Can't remember whether I brought it up to my superiors though. What I'm really sure of, nonetheless, is that God has placed dreams in young boys to grow up one day to protect what is weak, feable and beautiful - these are the treasures of God.

I have long thought of how I wanted to die, and I concluded with the follwing:
1. as a matyr on the mission field, like getting beheaded for spreading the Gospel or something
2. while saving someone else's life (someone close to my heart)
3. or while defending my country.

Suddenly, the boyish dream kicks in again, and something stirs up in my heart. I want to live up to that dream. Maybe after getting my degree, I'll sign on as an army officer and volunteer for Iraq/Afghanistan.

That father had a dream. His nation was at war, and he decided that he couldn't continue in his "stable" livelihood and not do anything about it. Many of his fellow citizens have slammed the war, criticised Presidents Bush and Obama about it, and made such a big hooha about how it has cost America so much money and lives. They may have a point. But, as for this man, it doesn't change the fact that at this moment, his country needs as much support as she can get. So he volunteers. It hurts his family. It definitely hurts his lovely little girl. But, as is the basis of all history-making decisions, it simply is the right thing to do.

its amazing how God's Word transforms my life. totally.

cute(: haha!

All Your promises won't let go of me!

I surrender my life to Your ways
I have learnt what it means to obey
Jesus my life has been changed by You

I am walking the path You have made
I am seeking the truth everyday
Jesus my heart has been changed by You

I couldn't walk away if I tried
Cos Your love is better than life!

And the sun's shining bright and it just won't set
Your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed everyday to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it!

WHOAAAAAA! WHOAAAAAAA! WHOAAAAAAA!
I can't forget about it!

WOOOOOO!!!!! this song really shakes me up and breaks down the discouragement wall in my life! Yes, I tried walking away. But now, I'm accepted! Yes, I have been a failure. I've made mistakes. I have been a horrible example of a Christian. BUT, LORD, YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!

Thank you Lord (: the moment I thought I was lousy you sent encouragement. The moment i sulked and thought almost all was over, you sent an amazing hope(: You're good, O God. Your faithfulness reaches to the heavens!

hey you

don't really know how to be there for you now, and i know you need your own space, so yeah... will keep my distance... i'll try, at least. you matter to me, and right now, if there's one "product" (if i may put it that way) that i'm be proud of, its you. yes, i'm proud of you. i really wonder how you're doing, and not that i don't trust you, but i wonder if your 'I'm fine's are honest... hope they are. looking forward to buddy times again soon(:

"我不求被人记住，只求美好地影响了你的生命。"

what a sweet surprise (:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
~ Psalm 139:13

Desperate for a Breakthrough

Father in heaven, I ask for Your forgiveness and cleansing. Make me white as snow. Wash me, and I will be clean. You do not delight in empty praises or the raising of my hands, or I would just do it to gain favour. But a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Give me clean hands and a pure heart, and let not my soul be lifted to idols.

And Lord, I pray for my sheep, that they will not have to go through the mistakes made by previous generations, but that history will be made by their devotion to Your truth. I pray for an increase of self-control, for they are living in an age where feelings mean almost everything, and there is little will to embrace discipline. Many have so often looked at things that they ought to be sorry for and said that it was good, simply because they felt great. But I thank You that there are some who have already been set apart, as is evident by the fruits of their lives, and I pray for their influence to increase in their domains, and amongst the other sheep, so that iron will sharpen iron. Let none be condemned, but that all will humble themselves and turn from their wicked ways and seek Your face.

And I pray for those who are being reached by them, that their eyes will be opened to receive the light shining forth. May their hearts be softened to receive You, as You begin the work of salvation in them.

Lord Jesus, I am going through a very discouraging season, and I pray for snippets of good news to give me strength. I'm desperate for a breakthrough.

Thank You Lord, You are faithful. Always.
Amen.

Happy Anniversary KY!

Happy 92nd Kum Yan!! (: Thank you God for this Church!
Really enjoyed worship during anniversary service today, the first combined worship that really touched me.
Worship was great, especially the 2 Chinese songs at the end. Really touched my heart singing in the language of my ancestral land, a language young Chinese-Singaporean-Christians seldom use... at least for KY!

But despite our handicap in the language, I really felt God's presence in our singing. Words weren't that hard to figure, and somehow, I realised that there are deep expressions of worship that Chinese words so easily capture! I mean, how do you say "一生爱你" in English with the exact same meaning and impact? I was like WOW! Those words are so powerful!

The lyrics of the 2 songs are typed out below. I decided to type out by hand (using Microsoft hanyu pinyin cos my keyboard is ABC hahaha) instead of just copying and pasting off the website, cos I really want to mean the lyrics that I post. So here are the songs(:

我的神，我的父，我的磐石

我的神，我的父
我的磐石，我敬拜你
你的慈爱，丰盛的慈爱
永远屹立不变建立到万代

我的神，我的父
我的拯救，我赞美你
你的信使，恒久的信使
永永远远坚立天上

我要欢呼，向你举双手
向你扬声高唱哈利路亚
因你喜悦我们，是我的力量荣耀
愿在光明中与你同行

我要欢呼，向你举双手
向你扬声高唱哈利路亚
你是我的主宰，谁能与我的神相比
我一生向你俯伏敬拜

一生爱你

情爱的宝贵耶稣
你爱何等地甘甜
我的心深深被你吸引
爱你是我的喜乐

一生爱你，一生敬拜你
一生爱你，一生荣耀你
一生奉献，一生不回头
一生爱你，跟随你

我很伤心...

I've been hoping for something so futile. At least that's what it seems.
Hurts to know that what my heart and emotions have invested in may very well not reciprocate. Yet I'm consoled by the fact that God is the only one I have left in the world. Maybe He allowed this to protect me, just that I can't see it. I know He did, since it's not in His intention to allow me to be hurt for nothing (:

Should think about other stuff. Yes, think about JYC! 5 years ago, God called me to serve, and I said yes. Serving in JYC hasn't been all that smooth, but I love this calling. But the thing about young people is that the older I become, the less appreciation I receive. Somehow there's a habit amongst some to want to relegate the older generation as best as they can. I know, its a young people thing. I've been there before. We like to feel special, and the best way to do it is to outcast the adults, cos we can't stand the fact that they "know it all". What do adults know about young people's culture anyway? So we'd like to think. Now I get to feel how Ian and Joel and the other older guards probably felt 10 years ago.

Plus, since its common for young people to cross the lines, and because many JYC leaders don't really know how to be disciplinary, they turn to me on many occasions. Not blaming them. Just stating a fact :D But this makes me the "bad guy" sigh... esp during the mission trip where I have to scold girls too, which was the most unrewarding experience I had to face as a JYC leader. The dagger from their eyes and cold shoulder says it all. For some. But what has to be done, has to be done. All because I said yes 5 years ago.

At the end of the day, I guess its not about how many kids like me, but whether I stayed true to my commitment. It really isn't easy for me, cos I tend to be really emotional for a guy. But I know He's training me to be like Him. I haven't been a perfect trainee, but I know He still likes me (:

I guess its not really about whether or not people like me, or even whether my heart feelings are reciprocated, but whether I can be faithful in these situations. Not easy for me. Its very emotional, cos people are important to me still, and so I take a lot of things to heart. But I know He loves me. Though one to swallow. But I'll still believe that He'll cause a miracle in my life in the most weary situations.

"The condition for a great miracle is impossibility" - Faith Like Potatoes

And oh how He loves us so

its okay. everything will be alright.

i'm a guy, so i shouldn't be so emotional, right? just take it as a phase i need to go through and learn. though, i'm thankful it was kinda inferred rather than an in-your-face kinda declaration, which saves the embarrassment and awkwardness. its a sober wake up call. not rude tho. a gentle slap, i'd say. which makes me understand where i'm at, and pretty much define the next season i'm in. for that i'm thankful.

i guess sometimes getting our way prevents us from being aware of the truth, and interruptions like this helps bring reality to our laps, gently. i feel more real now, for some reason. of cos i'm sad, but i'm not angry or anything.

pretty amazed at how i can think such things while holding my tears immediately after the incident. despite my emotions, reality couldn't be clearer. what beautiful union of emotions and reality. it isn't always the case where feelings lead you to the truth. in fact, they don't most of the time. so for this i'm grateful too.

Lord, I pray that in this season I'll be made right with You. Train me in discipline, and guide me in developing my gifts to serve You alone. You alone are worthy of my devotion. In You I have strength. I know I'm not alone. Even if I ran away - as I have done a thousand times - Your love never fails.

And oh how He loves us so

There's so much trash in my life, I'm glad God dealt with a lot of that today.
Lust, sin, shame, greed, ambition... I surrendered these at His feet today.
How many times have I traded my birthright for a bowl of beans!

NO! No more trading. He is jealous for me. He - Jesus - alone, deserves my whole heart's desire. I will claim back what is mine. I will be a master over my own desires and inclinations. I will reign and rule, exercise dominion over the realm that He has bestowed to me. I am a child of the Most High. I'm thankful that His mercies are new everyday, so that I won't be judged like Esau. I'm thankful for forgiveness and His grace that enables me to turn around without having to carry past baggage. I am a new creation. He told me today that He longs to lavish on me, not the material and fleshly things of the world, but on eternal things of heaven! Oh, how He loves us so!

I want to be contented. I should be contented. I have so much. Compared to others. Compared to my past. God has blessed me in so many ways that I have begun to take things for granted, such as family, money etc. I will not be spoilt. I will shine. I was meant to.

(: and its happening...