she's a bug. i think i really put her off enough so she won't bug me again. its nice talking by and large, but not with all those dirty ideas in between. you know that once you turn on that switch in a guy its hard to turn it off? i had to pray like power hour style so that i could sleep last night... but i also can't blame her. maybe she doesn't know enough good guys. i might well be the only one. but still, i won't compromise. i have too much to lose.

and i found this phone in the taxi today. belongs to some foreign girl, maybe philippino, so says the driver. from the screen saver pics, it seems like she's working in some sleazy industry, like a pub or something. went to browse her pics, and there were pictures of her hometown (i suppose), with kids, elderly, presumably her family and friends. i think its kinda sad that she travelled all the way here just to do this job. i'm thinking of her hometown guy... must have his heart broken ttm. mine would, if my girl did such a thing. but who knows, she might be desperate for money. who's to be blamed?

just as i was thinking these things at makan place while reading the book Love Revolution, the author was saying "He (God) seems to have a special place in His heart for people who are lonely and have no one to take care of them. God helps the afflicted, and secures justice for the poor and needy." and a few sentences later, "now ask yourself what you are personally doing for them?"

i'm returning her phone tomorrow.
tho, it was some chinese man that called the phone. he said he's a "friend". so perhaps he's in the business also. perhaps her employer.

oh God, rescue her. and many other girls like her too, who do not know they were created to be worn as a crown. and please raise up God-ly men who would rise up to defend and protect the women and children, weak and poor, instead of preying on them like worldly men do. let these men rise up to conquer lust and pride, and to spread justice over their respective domains. help me be like one of these men. i wanna run after Your own heart.

didn't even get to say hi on *that* day :(

found this on ronice's blog and its so true (:

Thank You

Thank You, Lord, for always shielding my heart from flaming arrows.
Thank You for showing me mercy when I least deserve it.
Thank You for the handful whom You've entrusted to me, that even if the world turned against me I can still count on them.
Thank You for going through it first, and then now showing me a glimpse of what it feels like to be You.
Guess I should take it more seriously the next time I sing "I want to be like Jesus", cos it sure costs.
And thank You, Father, for Your glorious and eternal love for me.
Amen.

Happy v-day, Dad. I love you too.


Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. - John 8:36

oh, and i think our plan (your plan actually hehe) isn't gonna come to pass... sigh... but its ok. shouldn't make important decisions based simply on a "special" date...

thanks for being such a supportive friend anyways. on this valentines, its rewarding to know that although there's no romance to look forward to, at least there are friendships to treasure (: friendships are also about love yea? (: so yupp, thanks for all you've done ! (: MUSTTALKSOONOKAYYYY

and to all my close friends, whom i shan't list cos there's a chance i'll miss out somebody, just wanna say a big "iloveyouuuu" on this very special lovely day (: i hope God will bless our relationships and may our friendships grow stronger in the coming year !

happy v-day, again (:

would you be my valentine?

its v-day again :(

i remember since sec 1, i told myself each year that "by next year, i need to have a girlfriend". that's so that i won't feel lonely and left out. to make things worse, i pass by orchard on my way home. by JC, i kinda grew out of it, cos by then i knew God had a plan for me, and i don't "need" a girlfriend to be fulfilled. but as i grew older, having a girl/boyfriend seems more and more normal amongst my friends, and being single seems more and more out-of-place. still, i know that i'm set apart from this world, and the culture of the world is not my portion. nonetheless, i have a longing. and its a good thing.

i don't need a girlfriend, but i desire one.

and ohhhh.... sec 1 was 10 years ago !! O.o i'm old.

to all who are single, happy valentine's (: and 恭喜发财 !

hey, i watched you grow up. today, when i saw you at dinner, i realised you looked so much like your mum, and you're becoming prettier (: it always delights me to see you. for one, you really resemble someone whom i've liked before. not that i like you in that way (we're blood related) but it just that it makes my heart so much more tender towards you, cos of your personality and such.

you know, it really saddened my heart to suddenly hear you throw an "f" when you lost a game just now. you're supposed to be a treasure in the family. you are a treasured sister to me, and i try to show that each time our families gather. maybe you're growing older, and in a girls school culture is just as such, but i hope and pray to God that you will be different. and i hope that one day you will enter into a glorious relationship with our true Father, who has created you to be a princess (:

Lord, I pray that in this Chinese New Year I will get to shine Your light into my family and friends. may they grow one step closer to knowing You cos they have seen me living out in light. and I pray for her, whom You've placed so deeply in my heart, that she'll realise what a treasure she is in Your sight and put off the ways of the world. would you cover her, O Lord. win her over.

I love you, Sushan.

you.aRe.sUPerGLuEd.tO.My.hEaD.

i'm so longing for the next time i get to see you, but then when i do i'll be so lost and i'll try.to.act.natural.but.then.inside.me.i'm.pumping.like.crazy....... and then i'll long for the next time we get to meet again.

haha kelsie said that even your unglam photos look pretty ! (i AGREEEE!)sigh... but still must remain friends, until God on high who knows it all and sees the bigger picture gives me the green light. and i'm only afraid that it won't be you in the end, which means that i'll just be wasting my emotions today......

hahaha this vid is cute (:





i think its a really catchy and creative way of reaching out to the average singaporean with regards to raising awareness the SARS virus. so much better than the mrt one we see today. (sigh...) when the p4 kids today asked me what's singapore music, as opposed to caribbean, european, chinese, indonesian, indian etc etc, i showed them this video as an example. i think its perfectly and uniquely singapore, with local flavours such as "lah" and "tahan". only singaporeans can understand this LOR :D

we've been friends these many years. i remember how several years ago we were able to talk and laugh and share deeper things. but somehow as we grew older, you began to change, such that today, i don't really know even how to say hi to you. i still treasure you as a friend. you know, it pained me when you couldn't reach your dreams in uni, and i was happy when i heard that you had found a path to fulfil your dream, although i don't say it. cos i really don't know how.

it really pains me to see things like that. i don't really blame you for changing, for that's what growing up is supposed to be about i guess. and you're still serving God in church, so i suppose you're still okay overall. but how i wish i could tell you that i really want to be friends like before. maybe i'm being overly sentimental about friendships and you might think that i should move on. maybe i don't understand what you're going through. i don't think i do anyway. but i'll continue praying to God to restore this friendship that really meant a lot to me, especially during my army days. He's restored relationships in my life before, and i'm trusting Him to do the same to this one.

doing the right thing

whoa whoa i feel like some charity mascot...

today in the train, an old man led a blind lady into the mrt train, but no one gave up their seat (what a shame!)... so i told jianing "wah ugly singaporean!" with my voice raise a bit so that people around will hear. there was this middle aged man, looks malay, besides us who tilted his head as if to see who's saying it.

me: "should i do something about it?"
jianing: *gestures that i should*
me: "its the right thing to do right?"
jianing: "mmm" (in agreement)

so i "excused me" my way to the row of seats and asked the people sitting if anyone wanted to give up their seat.

me: "erm anyone want to give up your seat to these two?"

chinaman: stare at me as if i was speaking alien language (like you couldn't see those two standing in front of you, *******) thank God i'm a Christian with self control or i would have hurled unpleasant words in Mandarin

a young man few seats away: immediately got up, which makes me wonder what's with his lack of initiative, or was he just plain blur

man sleeping: got up immediately after the chinaman bumped him while standing up

and then...

blind lady: "its ok, its ok" (what do you mean its ok! i'm not doing it for you really, but for righteousness sake!)

old man: 谢谢你

me: 不用谢。是因该得。

确实是因该得！哪管给这些可恶烂态度的臭小子面子！

back to channel 5...

after the two of them sat and i turned and walked back to jianing, the malay guy gave me a thumbs up ! haha so he was watching the whole thing, including my conversation with jianing.

jianing: "so how does it feel?"
me: "rewarding."

that was rewarding. i don't really blame the china guy, cos after all he's a foreigner in our country and is still in the "survivor" mentality. its a very chinese thing, selfish and family-ish, like how many chinese aunties always rush for seats and forcing their kids to sit down if not other people will take their seat. i'm angry and empathetic at the same time. its ridiculous, but i also can't point a finger at them - they know not love cos little has been shown to them.

which increases the responsibility of Christians like me, who have received much and ought to give much. that is why i felt what i did was VERY significant, because to those who witnessed my display of kindness, i have invalidated their excuse that they do not know what love looks like, because i have just given them a glimpse.

another experiencial point is that i realised the importance of rubbing righteousness into one another. for this case, i had a friend to support me in the situation, which kinda rubbed courage into me to do the difficult but right thing. also, i had to rise up in some way cos i felt responsible to her, a younger girl who is watching to see what a Christian young man believes and does. i hope she was impacted (:

tho, i have done similar things in the mrt before when i was alone - i asked a little girl WHO WAS SITTING ON THE PRIORITY SEAT to give it up to an old lady standing right beside her. she went up to her mother who was standing nearby, and the mum stared at me. in my heart, i was like WHOA, YOU STILL GOT THE CHEEK TO STARE ME IN THE EYE, BECAUSE OF PARENTS LIKE YOU YOUNG CHILDREN ARE BEING SPOILT, YOU ********!!!!!! but for her daughter, i believe she has learnt from that incident, and she'll be one step further away from becoming like her mother, i hope!

sigh, rich singapore, ugly singaporeans. i've never felt so important in upholding noble values in public before, cos it seems that there're so few of us. i hope i'm not alone.

oh and as i approached home, i held the door for this really old indian lady who asked me to as she slowly walked through it, after which i gave her my hand at her request and led her to the nearby seat.

helping people. doesn't make me feel like i'm being me.
but i know its the right thing to do.

phew submitted my paper on time (:

oh Lord, why did you make her so... JAW-DROPPING stunningly beautifully HOT? (it sounds pretty much surface but its not. i just don't wanna saound all mushy here)

bleah... can't let emotions get the better of me... oh God please help me focus...


and you, yes you (: you're not immature (: you can't get off my mind too sometimes (: sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not-so-good wayyy... still, you're not immature (: in fact you're very mature to be able to see school, church etc the way you do (: yupp WANNA TALK TO YOU SOON !

very interesting day today.

had a nap in the afternoon, and i dreamt of lee kuan yew visiting my family for a meal! haha how cool is that. he was sitting beside me at the table, and his bodyguards some distance away, and we talked, like a family hahaha!

had dinner at makan place with dad and mum. didn't really want to be there with them, but as i thought, it was a good opportunity to connect. its like, the whole school atmosphere doesn't quite fit with parents being around. BUT, as i considered the people i adore and how i would want to spend time with them, i realised that my parents would actually feel the same way towards me! i mean, if i had a son, i'd like to spend time with him, talk to him, bring him up in a way so that girls will chase after him etc, right?? and if i have a daughter, i'll sooooo cherish her and lavish on her and bring her out and tell her how pretty she is, but i won't spoil her tho. so yea i sat there "guai-ly" with them.

and, in the light of my balancing work and school and night meetings in church, which is becoming intense, i figured that compared to many of my classmates who are working full time, have kids etc, i'm quite well off. i should cherish my place in uni, and the privilege of having more time to handle my responsibilities.

assignment due in less than 23 hours, and i'm still less than halfway through. but i have it all planned out. will mad rush from 2-11pm tomorrow. thankfully, i got the night free. oh Lord, please help me. You are in control.

almost all my nights are taken up. mondays school, alternate tuesdays youth core, wed school/jyc meetings, friday cell. and i'm waking up before sunrise every single weekday. i'm surprised i've survived so far. in fact, i'm tuning into the rhythm. tomorrow's crunchtime. it'll show whether this lifestyle is suitable. i know it'll turn out alright. God's grace is upon me.

ohhhh this peace that surpasses understanding, it arouses my curiosity. i haven't felt so spiritual for so long. maybe it because i'm going through a tough phase, so God's grace is more tangible in times like this.

and sunday's v-day (:

i'm amazed at how much peace i'm having despite the piling responsibilties that are amounting.

just this morning , i managed to finish doing the bulletin in time to go for worship practice. it all started last night when i was preparing for my usher duty, taking my usher shirt and putting it in my bag, before remembering that i needed to do the jyc bulletin which i totally forgot about ! for a split second, a heavy weight of stress rested on my shoulders. but i quickly planned for the morning, asking dad and mum if we could leave home at 8 instead, cos chao requested that worship prac started at 9am sharp! you know, problems cease to be when we respond with providing solutions. immediately, i felt phew and proud of myself that i didn't just go to bed sulking and thinking what a mad rush sunday morning's gonna be.

then there's assignment, which is due in like 48 hours. i'm less than halfway through, but i just felt that since today is sunday, i shouldn't bother myself with week-ish stuff, cos its the sacred Sabbath. i brought my heavy book and laptop, but didn't use them. after YC, i had jyc meeting, played grabble with sharon and may, and watch the most interesting game of carrom ever ! chao and tany vs matthew and benwu. so many near-wins and hilarious misses hahahaha but ultimately tany and chao won with a fine touch! back to assignment, i'm still working on it, but no stress, in spite of the fact that i need to wake up at 530 tmr and work till 12 and come home tired, skip my usual nap and continue doing till its time to go for classes in the evening, and then after classes come home and do till late again then tues wake up at 515!!! zzz BUT still, there's just such a strong presence of peace in my heart. love you God! thank you so much! You're so amazing, everyday to the next!

phhheeewwww...

oh, and we're good (:
the amount of sleep i lost and the amount of agonising i went through cannot be compared to the joy out of that "five minutes". that was really important to me, and your response just threw that heavy mountain-load of burdens into the sea. thanks (: you matter a lot.

quote of the day: girls are important, but friendships matter wayyy more.

thank You Lord. You are faithful, and You work all things together... for my good.

before just about a year ago, i never gave much thought to you, except, at times, sighing about what a concern you were as you went about your own immature ways.

today, you can't seem to get off my mind... in every good and wonderful sense.

just went jogging, and God gave me a revelation:
one of the founding values of YC is that it should be a place where it is safe to make mistakes. therefore, it is in line with our values that we be open and honest with each other about our good and bad, successes and mistakes, strengths and weaknesses, joys and woes etc etc. in order to make sure YC is a safe place, there shouldn't be judgement whenever someone opens up to share, but rather grace. by this grace i live, and in this grace i trust. whoa... i feel good already (:



i had an interesting conversation with chifai about my birthday...
Chi Fai says:
good good
any goals or resolution this year?
Ivan [2010] says:
not sure
never thought about it
Chi Fai says:
haha, should have one
Ivan [2010] says:
haha ok i think about it


i should seriously consider some goals this year...
1. girlfriend?
2. girlfriend?
3. girlfriend?
its not working...

haha jkjk i shall SERIOUSLY CONSIDER before posting (:

i couldn't sleep last night, cos i was thinking and thinking and thinking...

i suppose you were tired, cos you kept running and running and running...

When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all


If there's ever one thing I need, its forgiveness.
I need You, Saviour.

sigh... my bad. i know you're frustrated.

i've been thinking about how to say this all week, so i'm writing it down in case i forget. i'll also make it a point to talk face to face.

i was at my weakest point, and i really wanted to pour out. some of what was said were exaggerated, especially the extreme ones. i felt lousy, so in that state i wanted to prove how lousy i was, which was a bad idea. that was a battle. BUT, the other half of the story, which i didn't mention, is that beyond what i was going through, the fire of victory burns in me, so i don't give in to the thoughts/feelings. they leave as soon as they come. i don't know who invented them, but i'm adament about being a light and teacher of the Word, and i know after the battle i'll be stronger. as a close friend, i wanted you to see how i faced my giants. not a pretty sight, i admit.

just observe me in the weeks to come, and you'll know that i'm good.

emo

i used to think valentine's day was lonely. but my birthday's worse.

i feel like i'm growing old alone. don't really have anyone to share my sentimental thoughts and experiences with. its a good place to be though. not that i enjoy pitying myself - i don't - but i guess loneliness has a certain kind of good in it, though its hard to point out exactly what. for one, it brings me closer to God. adam was lonely in the garden, and things were supposed to be perfect. so loneliness isn't "evil" in that sense.

was emo-ing at NP/SIM today, cos tomorrow's my birthday, yet i dont really know who's gonna be excited for me. i don't expect anyone to be really, and i don't blame anyone. almost teared at makan place. this song kept ringing in my head:

When I look into Your holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround me become shadows in the light of You

I worship You
I worship You
The reason I live is to worship You


worshipping alone. no one else understands. no one else interferes. its a good place to be.