I stand at a threshold

Here I am, standing at a threshold.

My first paper's next week, and I'm trying to balance work and study (it's challenging that I have to work whilst preparing for my exams... the programs this semester really dragged cos of all the public holidays)

I'm not all that rushed for time - I'm keeping up with my studies

But I'm not that ultra-well prepared either.

Looking back this year, I can see God's hand.

It was pretty much a year full of emotional roller-coasters and hurts, feelings that I've never felt at this intensity before.

But I've learnt a lot of lessons.

And that brings me hope.

God has shown and is still showing me a pathway to Him in times of troubles.

I know that at the end of the day, only He never fails.

And I've learnt to accept that people, more often than not, let you down.

I know, there's a popular, everybody-knows saying that "no one's perfect".

But I guess I've experienced this fact about life to a much deeper level this year.

And God has trained me how to overcome troubles at such levels.

So, thank God for the growth (:

God also dealt with a lot of my insecurities that I foolishly and naively built up.

And I'm still learning how to wisely draw the line between trust and naivety.

Absolute trust with absolute wisdom - only God can teach me the way.

And I thank Him for the lessons this year.

I feel that I've lost much, in terms of relationships.

A lot of people whom I used to be close to didn't like me, at least for a period, or there was some distance relationally, or even geographically.

I know at some point it was my fault. I didn't know how to handle the situation, so I did what my limited knowledge guided me to do.

I tried my best, really.

And for the times I stood my ground, I do not regret - standards are standards.

I only regret not having had the wisdom to communicate them better.

But I can see that on most sides, things are getting better, some even better than before.

So I thank God for His mercy and His gift of reconciliation. Really means a lot.

And I have also gained much.

I really grew closer to my peers, who are awesome brothers in Christ. They really light the way for me at times and help me laugh in times of sadness. Thank you Lester, Daniel, Andy.

And all the sisters, here and there, whom I HTHT with, and ask advice from, I appreciate you all. You girls offer me a safe and warm place where I can channel all my emotions and feel understood. Such times really built me up and sustain me.

So I thank God for these gains.

He gives and He takes. May His Name ever be praised!

Also wanna mention Don Lowe, who really encouraged me during family camp.

He has been taking the time to mentor me since I was 15, and I just wanna honour him with this short paragraph. Don is a source of wisdom in my life. Thank You Lord for this obedient servant of Yours.

Back to now... I stand at a threshold.

I've been feeling really low because of my academic record this year. One failed exam, which I'm going to repeat next Monday, and horrible assignment results (47 was the lowest!). These make me lose confidence for this round of exams.

But, I'm glad He's speaking even as I'm feeling all this pessimism.

I am a Prince. I am called to rule and reign in all that He calls me to do.

Failure is but a process - it's not my destiny.

He works all things for my good because I really love Him.

I still do not know how my results will be, but He will come through for me.

Thank God for such reminders. Thank God for cell!

And... about the most anticipated issue... nothing's clear. I think I'm obvious enough, but I know I shouldn't push it. I made a conscious decision to wait till this year is over. I shall stick to it. I thank God it doesn't bother me anymore. It does bug from time to time, but it's only natural. It's a universal human longing. But God has set my heart according to the right priorities, miraculously, because I have been reading His word with a much more open heart lately. And He's showing me things - standards and options that I would never have thought of if it weren't for all the other things that happened this year. So, another thank You to God.

He's amazing. Really.

I stand at a threshold. Behold, new things are about to come.

I really appreciate it that you've read till this far. Bless you to find God in your daily walk too.

You will surely be blessed!

A wave of fire hit us like a mighty wind and shook our hearts to the core.

The fear of the Lord.

That's what all of us needed to hear.

We've been slack.

We've compromised.

We've succumbed to their culture.

And God was desperate to rescue us and our service.

The word of the Lord came and shook us.

But, in reality, it set us free.

It released us to overcome.

He gave us what we really needed.

He is the Saviour.

Even when He shows up in ways that may seem uncomfortable.

He is awesome in glory and power.

Surely we ought to tremble when He shows up.

Yes. He loves us. That's why He showed up.

Thank You Lord.

Just finished watching a Chinese series called 《康熙王朝》.
It's a historical show about a certain Emperor Kangxi.
Beats watching gossip girls or glee, which i just don't have the patience to complete.
Sorry if you're a fan of either of these shows, or other gossip-y/scandal-y/romantic etc etc shows.
I have a bigger passion for history. It's just me lor...

So yeah, back to Mr. Kangxi.
- He was a boy of 8 years when he was inaugurated.
- Took full control of 朝廷 matters when he was 14.
- Killed Ao Bai, the most powerful and evil of 4 "prime ministers" who were supposed to guide him as he was a child emperor.
- Defeated Wu Sangui, who, 1. betrayed Ming dynasty to let the Manchus rule China 2. was granted a title of "king" of Yunnan province by the Manchu Emperor, Kangxi's dad (in China back then, a "king" is lower in rank to the Emperor) 3. rebelled against Kangxi and for a moment controlled half of China
- Conquered Taiwan and made it a part of China (the politics of China and Taiwan back then very much reflects that of today)
- Conquered Mongolia
- Defeated Russia and signed a treaty in China's favour (it's sad that more than 100 years later China would begin to sign a series of unequal treaties which overturns this victorious treaty that Kangxi signed)
- Allowed Christian missionaries to be his trusted officials and scientists, and to preach openly in China (again, it is sad that decades later, the Pope forbids the missionaries to kowtow to the Emperor, so Kangxi expelled them from China and stopped all missionary activities)
- In all, he ruled for 61 years, the longest ruling Emperor in China's history.

As I watched, from the beginning of his reign as a child, I was amazed at how destiny could call someone at so young an age, for a purpose so grand as to rule the largest and most powerful empire at that time. And equally mind-boggling is the amount of personal sacrifices he had to make for his country to be peaceful and prosperous. The most painful part being, he married his favourite princess to the Mongol Khan under the Khan's request so as to stall for time as he spent his military resources on Taiwan. He could not afford to offend this Khan because it may threaten the peace in the country. He later kills this Khan when conquering Mongolia, leaving his precious daughter widowed. Between a father and an emperor, he had to choose the grander purpose over his fatherly one. The whole theme of the show is that to be a great emperor, you must suffer agony. Indeed, his daughter Lan Qi-er never forgave him. In the show, that is. She returned to the Mongolian fields and took care of her son, who was the new Khan since Kangxi killed his dad. So complicated right?

Sighhh it's a sad show if you're looking out for emotions. But I feel it illustrates calling and purpose rather well. In today's world, many would give up the larger purpose for "love" and romance, which are pretty much the values of the day. How often we hear things like "as long as we love one another" or "love (romance, that is) is the most important thing" etc. We don't really have an idea of sacrificing ourselves for the bigger picture and purpose, let alone our relationships, personal dreams, desires etc.

I know relationships are important. But Jesus said that we are to "hate" our mothers, brothers, sisters etc if we want to follow Him. "Hate" here means "to love less". So, that means, in our pursuit of Jesus and the calling He has for each of our lives, there will be times when we have to surrender or even abandon relationships that matter most to us. I myself don't really know if I'm up to it.

So yea, just a penny of thought. At the end of the day, God is not out to cut us or make us suffer. In all our deep sufferings, He is actually giving us something better. Not everything Kangxi did was right, of course. I cannot imagine giving my favourite daughter to my enemy, although the fact that it may bring world peace would seriously hammer hard on my integrity and force me to do so. After all, God gave His [favourite] Son in order to make peace with us. So, how much are we willing to give?

Okays... I'm super tired right now, but I have got to post this! I did a personality test on both Twitter and Facebook, and both said that I was a "Mentor". The following is the account of the Facebook results:

"ENFJs are externally focused, introspective, altruistic, positive and have excellent people skills. They place utmost importance on helping others grow. They are warm and have a natural desire to be supportive and encouraging. Being charismatic and possessing excellent language skills, they do well in leadership roles. ENFJs strive to enhance the lives of their human brethren."

heh! I personally think it's quite spot-on. Would you agree? (:
Here are more of what some people would say about Mentor-type personality (ENFJs - I seriously don't know what it stands for!)

"ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship."

"Success for an ENFJ comes through involvement in the process of making things happen for people; through the accomplishments and satisfactions of those they have helped to enrich the human world with greater value, and through finding that their efforts on behalf of others have fulfilled their own life as well."

"ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this."

"ENFJs focused on the organization's ideals and operate within those ideals. They focus on how organizations should treat people and communicate these values to others. They enjoy leading and facilitating teams, and like to bring matters to mutually beneficial conclusions. ENFJs prefer a work setting that contains individuals focused on changing things for the betterment of others."

"Rated by psychologists among 2 types least likely to have trouble in school. "
[LOLs, in other words, means I'm guai! :P]

Is this who I am? It's kinda interesting to find out more about oneself! You should try it.

Last week was awesome! (:

And JYC Anniversary... prep was tiring, but we got the atmosphere on the day! Yayy!!
At least our efforts didn't go to waste.

And I just read your blog.
It changed my life, the way I view things.
You are godly.

Wedding Bells Again!! (:

Just some pictures of the wedding dinner worth noting (the more glam ones of myself ha!). Can catch the rest at facebook (:

young and pretty bridesmaid (:

haha!! And it's my first time snapping with Ron!!
can't believe it's our first few official pictures!!
where have you been for the past 2 years Ron??


so yeahh wedding's are fun (:
Somehow, at least for me, preparing my dressing for each wedding is like preparing for prom heh
Got to match the right colours, do the right hair etc.
But as more weddings come along I probably won't be so conscious anymore, I guess..

Congratulations to Jia Hao and Ruth!
You both have been a blessing to me (:
May you both be a light that shines as an example of Godly love and devotion.
May you also have many kids for my future kids to play and grow up with (:
Who knows, they might pair up hahaha too early to say tho...

God is good. Somehow, seeing them get married doesn't make me envious anymore. I just feel happy for them (:

I've changed. And it's a good thing.

Lie:
I can't get out of this.

Truth:
In the darkness God's light shines. (:

True Love Awaits

I've tried.
I've been insecure.
I've tried my best to convince myself that our values don't match.
I've looked at other options, with the intent that somehow I may be drawn somewhere away...

But somehow the feelings creep back, and I can't move on.

Sometimes, true love may seem like the above.
It occupies my mind so much, I seldom have time to realise the truth...
But how can I forget that at every moment, my Lover awaits?

The world is deceptive.
And emotions don't tell the truth.
The world says follow your heart.
God's Word says the heart is deceitful above all things.

O God, You are right in all Your ways.
Lead my heart, Lord.
I love Your approval more than I love anything, or anyone, else.
May this be my bold, wholehearted, life song:

Amen
(:

Judging from my feelings, I think I'm done.
I'm successfully moving on.
Talked to a few close people, and I feel their support and agreement.
Although, I must say some things still catch my eye.
But at all other times, it's not a concern, really.
Whatever the case, thank You, God.
You have good plans for me.

//

I miss April. Badly.
Kinda lost, cos now there's no one to really call out.
Also because of timing, it's really hard to catch her... D:

[12:18:51 AM] Ivan Lau: :)
[12:28:39 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: sorry! i have to go now
[12:28:55 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:28:59 AM] Ivan Lau: will you be back?
[12:29:14 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: nope, maybe tmr
[12:29:18 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:29:22 AM] Ivan Lau: bye! (:
[12:29:29 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!:))
[12:29:32 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: miss you
[12:29:35 AM] Ivan Lau: miss you too!
[12:30:47 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!
[12:30:54 AM] Ivan Lau: byeeee!! ):

Yeahh... but it's okay. The person may be far, but the friendship is good and strong.
Thank you April. You've been a wonderful friend here in Singapore.
And you're still as wonderful wherever you are.
Looking forward to seeing you soon!!
Tagg when you read this! (:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

- 2 Cor 4:7-9

Thank You Lord. This verse is really timely.
I'm blessed beyond the cursed for Your promise will endure.
Yes Lord. Yes yes Lord.
Amen (:

How would you feel if that girl was your mum, and the guy isn't your father?

I remember Pastor James talking about making life decisions.
At one point, he said that many godly men choose girls who can be good wives, but do we look out to see if they can be good mothers too?

I'm looking out for a good mother-to-be.
I'm not shutting the door, but I pretty much know what I want and do not want.
It's painful, but I'm moving on.

Just wanna cry out in desperation now.

Faithful One, so unchanging.
Ageless One, You're my Rock of peace.
Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You. Again and again.
I call out to You. Again and again.

You are my Rock in times of trouble.
You lift me up when I fall down.
All through the storm Your love is the anchor.
My hope is in You alone.

Help me God.
This heartache is hard to bear.
All the things going on in my heart and mind.
I'm calling out to You.
Will You answer? Will it be good news?
I need solace.
Lift me up, O Lord. Anchor me in Your love.
For You alone are faithful.

Amen. (:

One day, I'll pick up the courage to tell you this face to face.

Somehow, I'm always so eager to know how you are.
I dunno about you, but it totally makes my day when we get to talk (:
Really appreciate moments like tonight.

//

It's not really wrong, I guess
You're doing something you're passionate about, and not deliberately crossing boundaries.
And I don't really have a say in it either, cos it's your personal standards.
Just that, for me, I have always thought that such "stuff" would be saved for a *special* someone/moment.
At least, that is what it looks like in my dreams, which has been painfully trashed...

饮水思源

This is a pretty cool Cantonese rap composed by a guy who is opposed to Guangzhou's authorities, who are planning to replace Cantonese TV channels with Mandarin ones. I support him.

Cantonese is a precious language.
It is 2000 years old, while Mandarin is only 800.

China's heritage is preserved in the South, so scholars say, because most wars in ancient China happened in the North, and people in the North moved their homes pretty often. Pretty much explains why most of the North speak a dialect similar to Mandarin - they intermingle through generations of travelling to and fro.

Cantonese, on the other hand, is spoken by the Chinese pretty much settled in the South. While it is not the only Southern Chinese "dialect" (actually, it's more of a language of its own, cause it's totally different from Mandarin and Mandarin-related dialects), it preserves the heritage of our forefathers from ages past (2000 years!).

And for me, it's my identity too.

But now, the language is sidelined. No, it's not Singapore. It's the Motherland.
They've succeeded in wiping it out in my generation here in Singapore.
But if it happens also in land which is the Source of the language, who will be left to uphold the tradition? Hong Kong?
Yes, we have to modernise and move on.
But I can't compromise my roots.

饮水思源.
That's what my teachers and parents taught me.
And it's a virtue I intend to keep.
I know that English is virtually my First Language now.
But I will keep on improving on my Cantonese.
Not just for the sake of my roots, but also for the many people I cherish - aunties, uncles, 婆婆s, Pastors etc. Even some migrant youngsters (or children of migrants) and friends (:
God gave me my heritage. He put these people around me.
So I'm pretty sure learning the language of my forefathers keeps me in step with my purpose.

I will learn Cantonese. Well. (:

And oh, by the way, "饮水" is Cantonese vocabulary (pronounced yum soei). Mandarin speakers say "喝水". See what I mean? Only the authentic stuff make it to the list of 成语s.

I hope the Chinese government doesn't do something so foolish as to diminish Cantonese. And I hope that they won't succeed, because the Bible says God desires that people worship Him, from every tribe and tongue. God values diversity. Praising Him in diverse languages brings Him glory. May He grant the CCP wisdom not to do this silly thing. Amen.

If you're reading this: Learn your dialect guys!!

Happy Birthday SUMSUM!! :D

Happy 14th birthday Ron!! :D

sighhh I realised when I was trying to find a photo to put up that I haven't had a proper picture taken with you before!! ): must take one soon okayyy??

Anyways, just wanna dedicate this post to you (:
You've been an awesome little sister and friend! Thanks for helping me with my project last semester. I got an A!! hehe (: Really enjoy the process of seeing you mature these years, and somehow, I'm beginning to realise that you're actually quite mature! Like, it's quite fun and meaningful talking to you. Like adults would normally say, 你长大了. now I feel so old... heh!

I sense that you have a special calling for your own generation, both in church and outside. You're called to lead with a servant's attitude, which you seem to be already doing. And you've got patience and a huge dose of discipline - something young people these days seriously lack!

Personally, you've been a blessing to my heart. I feel supported when you're around, and you personality is just soo... encouraging (: like Miss Sunshine!

So, happy 14th birthday, and may you grow in wisdom, servant-leadership, patience, and beauty all the more in the coming year!

See you next time @ some ice cream shop. And please bring a camera along! (:

Love,
Kor Ivan

... I just can't stand it :'(

Hope you understand this deeply...
Wishing you the highest good that can happen (:

... or if one of you goes... well, I shouldn't say where (:
Just trust God.

I'm super convicted by the 40 day fast booklet.

From today's passage:

Amid betrayals and fallouts, love never fluctuates. Love never alternates. Love never ends.

Is your love tough? Does it remain constant through the ups and downs, bumps and bruises of human relationships? Or does it fluctuate and diminish as family and friends change for the worse and disappoint you in a thousand ways? Ask God to replace your fragile, fitful love with His unflinching agape love.

Yes Lord. Replace my weak heart with a loving one that has the capacity to endure all things and yet remain loving. Also grant me the power to express such great love through my speech and actions. Amen.

The dress you wore made you look really pretty today (:

I like your fashion sense.
You're so good at it.

The rewards of present hurts lie in the abundance of future glory.
I believe that hurts won't go to waste.
I believe You're crafting something beautiful out of every piercing experience.
I place my trust in You, O God.
Please come through for me.
I can't hold out long.
Come Lord.