Waiting

It's been a crazy, crazy few months. I've learnt so many things, and I'm even such a different person. There are still struggles in life that I face, and I'm still learning to give it all to Him. But, just this week, I've been experiencing His lavishing affirmation about who I really am before Him, and what I can really do in life. Never mind if I feel like a loser or have my moments of low self-esteem. I know that He is always for me, and never against me. I may say this in a breath, but it really took great anguish to arrive at such conclusions. People have been telling me that I have low self-esteem, and I ought to think better of myself. After what happened, it's hard. But I agree, and I'll allow Him to speak over my life, and I'll hear it and receive it.

I've changed. My hopes are a blank - I don't even know what I wanna do, who I wanna marry, or even what kind of girl I like... But I guess it's a good place to be, cos then He can come in and fill in the blanks, perfectly. I had a great week before this, just taking up the guitar and singing loudly in the middle of the night. I don't normally do this at home. In fact, never done it. But I believe things are changing, and right down to my secret place and alone moments, I want to cry out to Him and be filled with His presence. Indeed, it is in our most lonesome moments that we struggle the most. At least that's true for me.

So yea, what have I changed? For one, I'm pretty much less rigid and more flexible. It's scary, cos, even morally, I seem to be okay with this or that. Like, when people tell me they smoke, or they have this or that relationship with someone that I may not approve of, I'm free to be open about it. Have to constantly check myself so that I don't become corrupt haha! But yes, I still have morals okay. I guess I'm just more forgiving and patient towards people, accepting that people do make blunders in life, even really unwise or immoral mistakes, and I'm learning to have compassion as my first and immediate response, as opposed to the judgemental one which I was brought up with. So yes, watch out for the new Ivan - more AWESOME than before!

Yes, I guess self-praise does help me cope with my esteem a bit. But nothing beats people telling you good stuff about you. So I shall not go too far praising myself, and wait for nice people who will say nice things to me. But, above all, I will listen out for my Father, who is constantly lavishing on me with His heavenly words of encouragement.

I have been shattered, but He restores, and He will surely make all things beautiful in His time. I'm waiting!

In His time, in His time
He makes all things beautiful
In His time
Lord please show me every day

As You're teaching me Your way
That You'll do just what You say
In Your time <3