Back from Australia. 3 weeks away from home, church and friends. I feel dry. Really dry. My spiritual situation is not worth mentioning. I am wretched. That's what I discovered of myself while I was away. I need help.

Family

I just listened to the podcast by New Life Church titled: Latest Information on the Senior Pastoral Transition.

Tragedy. That was my first thought when I heard about the incident. Yet, after listening to the message, my heart was filled with hope again. "How wonderful!" I thought. In bad times, as one of the pastors had said, a family draws closer together. Sounds easy, doesn't it? I mean, it's like duh! However, as I imagined the hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger, betrayal etc, I came to realise that it was serious stuff. I mean, if it were a small case of little consequences, it'll be easy to forgive. But for such a high profile case, affecting even me, half the world away here in Singapore, to forgive the person and to say that "It is well" is a really silly thing to say, if it weren't real. But it is real!The church still functions. As it was mentioned in the podcast, tragedy proves that we really need a Saviour! And how the family (church) resonds will show how mighty God is to save.

I totally believe good will come out of the situation. There's hope. Perhaps, in like 10 years' time, we might look back and say that this case wasn't actually God's judgement on pastor Tedd or the church of America. Rather, it was His mercy.

Uncertainty.
Happens a lot in army life.
One moment I think the job's done.
The next, I find my duties piling.
Hence, whenever I find my job done, I try my best to avoid finding out stuff,
because knowing more means having a greater responsibility.
"I didn't know about it" is, most of the time, a valid excuse.
Responsibility. Why am I so afraid of it?
Burdens, perhaps. Huge burdens. Stress? Maybe.
The worst part of the duties is, of course, the work that I have to do.
Work. Work work work.
Perhaps a much disliked word in the working world.
Makes me feel tired and weary.
Takes up my energy and free time.
Work. Kinda meaningless in a meaningless world.
Purpose. That's what I need.
That's what the Christian is supposed to have.
Boy, it's not easy.
Still, Bible says that all our work are to be done unto God himself,
before superiors or anybody else.
Worship. That's what my work is supposed to be.
That's what's required of my lifestyle.
Above all, it's my response to a Saviour whose job was to die so that I can live.
Live... My life restored.
Uncertainty gone. My destiny is sealed.
Purpose is derived, meaning appears.
Work makes sense, grateful worship offered.

Imperfection.
So many times I just blew it.
Lost my temper, hurled the poison dagger out of my flamming tongue.
Polluted the pure, hurt the peaceful
Ignored the helpless, indifferent to the plight of those whom I'm responsible for.

After which, guilt comes to me like an executioner, ready to bring me to justice.
I know there's no escape.
On moral grounds I'm wrong,
and on moral grounds guilt imprisons me.

Guilt, shame, self-pity.
Dynamic trio. The last thing anyone could ever escape from, if not...
If not for the cross.
My! Why didn't I think of that?
Justice.
Justice has been done.
While i was unaware, someone received my due punishment on behalf of me.
My finite debt had been settled at a cost of infinity.
So then, why should I be put on trial once again?
Injustice!
Though undeserving, I rightfully demand my release.
No more! I shall not be condemned!
I declare freedom!

O, that a Saviour should rescue me!
What grace is this that saved my soul?
I am eternally grateful.

Amazing grace. How sweet the sound.

Sleepy. Tired. Been a short week, with 2 half-days and a full-day off.
Though, most of my exhaustion had been carried over from last week.
Physically undemanding week, spiritually weary.

Shine.
That's what we Christians have been called to do.
Shine in the midst of darkness.
Usher in the presence of God.
Tell others about Jesus.
Make disciples.

Love.
The greatest commandment.
The foremost and foundational attribute of God himself.
Self-sacrificial, others-centred.
My duty to God and Man.

Expectations.
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Headache.
Light that shines.
Me, a man who ought to be hardworking so as to set an example for others.
One who ought to walk the extra mile as a testimony of generosity.
Well, after all, I've been given much.
So giving more than what others normally would wouldn't be much of a problem. Right?
O yes it matters! I'm tired and de-energized, and I'm expected to voluntarily run the errand which everyone else avoids!?
Give me a break! Even Christians need a break!
And, the thing Christians are often told to do - share the faith.
Tell others about Jesus! They've got to know, or else they'll....
But they've heard the gospel a thousand times!
And what they've gotten from those "clanging cymbals" is a hurt soul and a bad impression.
What do you expect me to say?

Love.
When speech fails and hearts are wounded, loving acts edify.
Both the beloved and the lover.
Dry soul, empty heart. Keep loving.
When I'm weak and weary, my Father watches over and more grace flows in abundance.
I can always try to live up to the calling, and I still can't.
Only grace can.
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My week has been one of searching for substance.
Substance in faith, substance that would help me overcome the struggles I just mentioned.
Pending questions that demand quick and illustrative answers.
Searching for a higher level of reality in my experience with God.
I'm looking for true and lasting satisfaction.
Something that fulfills what I've been made to need.

I don't know. It's so hard to be a GOOD Christian. As I shared at cell last night, it is hard to not get irritated at irresponsible people making irresponsible remarks that don't help to get the job done. Doing physically challenging work, ok with the work; arbitrary insensitive opinion, not ok with that provocation. "Just shut up!" My heart screams. Though, what came out of my mouth wasn't as harsh. Still, offensive. Unloving? Yes. I'm sorry, Father. Judging, I'm not so sure. But, if I judged, I'm sorry for that too. Sorry for everything else that demand an apology...

That is the problem! I keep saying sorry. In a way, it's good, because that shows that I know it when I'm wrong. The bad thing about it: I keep making mistakes. Victory seems so far away, or so I feel.

But I'm a Christian!

Christian, Christ. Christ, power. Power, victory. Victory, life. Life, Christ. Christ, power. Power, victory. Victory, life. Life, Christ. Christ....

Wow. Eternal deadlock. Or better said, eternal lifelock. All I need is to be Christian. Believe in Jesus' crucifixion and ressurrection, confess that he is Lord.

Mistakes, no mistakes. Good, bad. These don't matter.
Just try harder next time, drawing more from His grace.

Bottom line: Christian.

Two words: second chance.

I'm forgiven. Period.

"No wonder they call him the Saviour."
~ Max Lucado

(Inspired by the book titled "No Wonder They Call Him The Saviour" written by Max Lucado. This book impacted my life. Thanks Max. Thank you, Father.)

Yesterday, we toured our new church building during power hour. It's at it's final stages of construction. Everywhere we went, everyone went "wow!" Haha, it was so pretty. When I saw that they had preserved the old lift and old stairways, I was stricken by a sense of nostalgia. I felt attached once again to the place. How thoughtful and creative of those who planned it this way! This was at the first floor. I held my steamy eyes and continued through all the seven storeys. At the seventh storey, the little worship hall brought back beautiful memories. I recounted the days when YC first started out and the camps in which we played games there. I was excited! All through the time we've spent at the holding building, I've never felt so connect to the church as when I spent about an hour at no.1 Queen street. There's something special about no.1 Queen street, and I'm sure it is God who has blessed that plot of land. I'm looking forward with anticipation to the day when we return to where Kum Yan Church really belongs to; the day when the new anointing arrives.

It's been a tiring week, with most of my time doing menial labour. Sometimes I'm left to wonder if I'm a soldier or a banglah worker. Even the banglahs are being paid higher than me. Anyways, spiritually, I've been on eagle's wings. I've been learning how to be a son to a perfect Father, and I'm beginning to realise to a higher extent how previliged I am. I am an imperfect man living in an imperfect world, with so many gaps in my life longing to be filled with something that satisfies. Yet I so often find myself disappointed with people, especially with people whom I look up to. However, I learnt that God is able to fill in those gaps, and I needn't be disappointed any longer. The Father shows the son, and the son wants to be like the Father. Like superman huh. Really enjoying intimate time with my heavenly Dad. I hope to learn more about how to save the world in a dramatic, large-scale, powerful and glamourous manner =)

Hello

hmmm... just created my blog. kinda satisfied =)