IthinkI'maddictedto you

sheesh... Just thinking...

How are you doing? What's running through your mind? Are you comfortable? Are you stressed?

sigh... I can solve every problem but this...ohhhsillyme

Lord, You have been kind to me.
You did not give me riches
You did not give me a genius mind
You did not give me fame
But You gave me a heart.
Your heart.

I did not have friends in my darkest hour, so I learnt to be concerned.
I did not have money to buy food sometimes, so I learnt to give.
I was not able to control how others viewed me, so I learnt to persevere.

Your fire refines my heart as gold. Now I understand.
Now, I pray "give me a pure heart" with a much deeper seriousness.
I know it does not come easy.
But You are good and faithful. Your love reaches to the heavens.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
- Matthew 5:8

gonna send aaron off tmr.
so fast.
it was my turn 4 yrs and 5 months ago (i was dec batch)
and now, i'm seeing someone who was sec 2 at that time i went in. heh
maybe 4 yrs later he'll say the same about... wei en? or arms... that batch of guys

which brings me back to army days.
up till now, it's still unclear why certain things had to happen...
in the making of a better man.
it's not an all smooth journey.
the tears, emotions, and all the ARGH moments.
wishing i had a girlfriend (stupid but real, cos we're all desperate)
wishing someone was there (LOLs that's soooo yesterday)
wishing someone texted me during the day
cause it totally - pardon me - sucks when no one remembers.
even for a day.
cause its just so dreadful.
and lonely. which is the worst part.
its not imagined. its real. physically detached from everything i loved.
Wish I had a better resolve.
but in my human nature when the atmosphere is the least "conducive" for worshiping God
I went along my human ways
doing what broken and lonely people do.

literally, no one can be there for you when you need someone.
really. no one can. really...
that is, until... you realise that God is there.
He was there. He has been there.
And it was He who didn't give up on me, even when I ran away.

I remember it was Pastor Sam's sermon.
In my confusion, guilt, desperation, loneliness...
He preached a message that gave me the strength to stand
And believe that I'm okay and good, because God has given me grace
And I remember the verse till this day:

For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again... (NKJV)
The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. (NLT)
for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again... (NIV)
- Proverbs 24:16

That's right. Even the righteous and godly fall. Many times. But what sets them apart is that they rise each time.

Thank you Pastor Sam. Thank You Jesus.

The temptations may come, and you may find yourself weak in certain areas. But it's part and parcel of learning and growing to finally becoming a man after God's own heart.

So, Aaron, brave the storm. God bless you. I believe in you.

bought a new journal, finally! (:
now i can continue writing heartfelt stuff and spew names all over heh :P
guess who themed my first entry
you'll know it if you know me well enough ;)

//

good good friend, sheep, sister, my little girl (:
in acknowledgment of your being a blessing in my life
thanks for the times, especially... *the usual place*
appreciate your ears, your heart, and just being around
Some persons I like, and there are some whom I simply need
definitely, God is the ultimate One whom I ultimately need.
but He places key people in our lives to teach us about relationships
and you quinky little fella taught me more than any scholar ever could
on lessons reaching deep into my heart
all in just the person that you are
(:
(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

Family Camp.
Brings back memories. Which is why I'm excited!

But also, many things have changed.
I guess the dynamics this time will be different.
But it's nobody's fault really.
Things change.
Only God remains the same (:

But I can feel it coming.
The power.
The healing.
The difference.
And it will be good.

The evidence of God's presence in all of us:
The old makes way for the new and better!
Christ shall be our unity.
In God we trust.

The tide is turning, this is redemption's hour.
Family Camp.
WOOTS!

The prove of a man is in his ability to inspire the next generation with the battle scars that once hurt so deeply, but after time came to be a symbol of survival and dominance.

Love costs. That's why few uphold it till the end.
And may I be that few.

He who strives for honour shall lay down his right to self gain, and pick up his shield to fend for the weak and his beloved, and his sword to slice the guts out of all who work against this purpose.

Be a man, Ivan.

Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.

I shall be a master.

don't really believe in settling personal and relational things online
cause when I say things close to my heart I really wanna look the person in the eye
and with as much comfort I can offer say how I value certain things
cause a good 90% or so of communication happens with our body language

till then, just know that:
its just me dealing with me,
dying to all that is me
in the hope that Christ will one day rescue me.

Can't focus on assignment. 2000 words due on Sunday. Original target was to finish by friday so that I can focus on the weekend. But seems like I've to delay till saturday.

sigh... I keep feeling the raging within my spirit. Its like, I can't focus on anything other than wanting to cry for help... its like I keep crying and crying, and healing comes, and I still keep pressing in and needing more... singing song after song, trying to reconnect to His presence... The pathway of worship is paved with perseverance.

But its a good place to be I guess, cause it definitely beats being occupied with gaming addiction or lustful temptations. But still, the groanings are real. Trying to figure what He is saying in this season. I'm banking on His provision, cos if this goes on I don't know whether I can finish my work on time.

One thing good, tho, is that projects are ending, so no work already. Good and bad. I've got time to do schoolwork and other stuff, but also... no pay D:

so here's what my assignment looks like after 1 whole thursday's worth of effort at around 10 plus in the night:

For a larger view:

I know... I'm so dead right? Losing to hardworking secondary school kids who can whip up an essay in 1 hour in the middle of the night just to make sure they don't get into trouble with their teachers the next day.

I need to be saved. Daily.

Thanks Nicole (: your comment was encouraging.
Thanks for regarding me well,
but I don't think I'm the kind of leader you said I am.
Wanna be like me? hehe
I wanna be like you! :P

this just moved me to tears. especially the first boy and the volleyball girl part.
my heart just sank when I saw the way the boy ran and cried.
must have been hard on him.

This made me think a lot about fathers.
The special place they have in their children's hearts.
I guess many of us don't treasure our fathers as much as those whose dads faced risk daily.

Maybe that's why God placed difficulties in our lives.
Maybe that's why things are so difficult.
Treasures are realised for what they are through tears.

Lord, I need You. Every moment of my life. I'm desperate for Your touch.
My world isn't falling. It has already fallen.
My hopes aren't faint. They cannot be seen.
My path is undone... I can't even see the next step.

So I just stay here, right where I am.
I don't know where to go, or what to reach out to.
Those who know me well know that I'm going through stuff.
Thing is, I don't even know how to explain anything.

The fire is raging. The battle is costly.
I need faith, for all my senses have failed me.
Please, Jesus, please don't pass me by...
In You alone, O Lord, I place my trust.

Cause Your name is a strong and mighty tower.
Your name is a shelter like no other.
Your name, let the nations sing it louder.
Cause nothing has the power to save, but Your name.

If there's one thing I did right, even just one, then surely it is this:
That I did not build my own kingdom, for I have nothing.
I gained nothing... but a truckload of scars, and stories of scars.

was nice talking again after all these months.
really missed "those times"
but everyone has moved on since then
its a delight to see how far you've come

sigh... i wish i knew how to handle everything.
but at least it was encouraging
to receive help when I needed welcoming
just wish I didn't have to take everything to heart

but its only cause some things just mattered to me so much

Its the wisest and most foolish thing at the same time.

Ohhh I've been having the fiercest emotional battle since army days... argh! The thoughts and impulses just keep replaying and replaying and replaying, such that I have to remind myself that I'm in class and should watch my own facial expression, my posture and overall body language so as not to frighten the kids. So I look away and create some space for myself to indulge in my battle and cries. Raging and raging, my feelings toss like a hurricane. Yet, I maintain the discipline to keep this to myself and not be overtly expressive about it. I'm madly emotional and logically sound at the same time.

You're having a go at your dreams and happiness
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but
I wish I still had the same value
Its salt in a wound that was supposed to be covered by dependence
Now, only I am the dependent one

Its childish, cos that's what a child would say. I'm a man hello?? 23 years old. Yet I'm craving for attention like a child.

Your gaze and smile pass me by
To another who's better at returning them
I don't know whether you're playing games or sincere
But I'd go for sincerity cause I don't believe you're into playing games
Sincerity, that is, not for me to receive

I lose. I fail at etiquettes. I mess genuine concern with insecurities. Its so hard to face people and smile when most of the time I'm bothered by something. I don't understand how some people do it so well. Its not like their lives are totally smooth. Playing computer games kicks the strategy in a bit, but it only delays the battle. I must have appeared so weird. I'm weird I guess. Its not a simple resignation. Its something I've tried really hard disbelieving, but I can't. I've usually been the misfit. From primary school till now. I've been made fun of, bullied, ostracised, humiliated, called names, yet I'm stupid enough not to blame anybody. I just keep to myself or cry to the toilet bowl. I'm a misfit.

My heart is shattered. I wanna scream, but I don't want anyone to hear. I don't want pity or concern. I only want that which I had lost or failed to deserve. Its simple. But its also so difficult. And then I wonder how I can lose sleep at retreat, and have the strength to go for meetings and services, play for worship, drive and talk to people, wake up and go to work on time and do everything in its allocated time, while inside me everything is in chaos. Everything. I don't even have an appetite. So the next thing, the only thing, I know to do... is to listen to worship songs.

I don't know why, but in all my sadness and pain, I take comfort in singing
my soul magnifies the Lord
or
You are my Rock in times of trouble.

Its words that lift me for a moment. I feel so stupid. Even in my worshipping. I mean, who is God? Or where is He? How do I know that I need Him? But I'll die if I don't sing them. That, I can't be more sure about. I'll really die. I don't know what else can give me even such a hint of consolation. I feel silly. But at least I get to escape for a while, genuinely.

Its foolishness in its climax. But its the wisest thing I know.

Lord I surrender.

All the pains, disappointments, desires, dreams, hopes, plans, talents... even my next breath, I surrender to You. I'm tired of wanting to have my way all the time.

I surrender all my relationships, the strained and difficult ones. They are Yours to redeem. Even if You don't, You are still God, and I will abide. I learnt that it is not about what, who or how to change, but its about changing myself. My attitudes, my dependence on You, my spiritual walk, my desires, my priorities etc. Although it hits the hardest when it comes to the ones who are closest, I believe that when I look back in years to come, I will be thankful. Your love endures forever!

I am also thankful for certain things that did turn out well (: Certain people I can talk to, brothers and sisters who can listen, and who dare to tell me that I'm wrong and need to change, or who gently advice me to see things differently. People who may not seem really close at first, but when the rubber hits the road, they're just there (: And the encouragement they give... I'm so glad I can say this about... :P hehe!!!

Yeah, and the BIG issue, or so it seems... I TOTALLY take my hands off. I don't want to control. I want to be led by God. From my motivations to my actions, let everything be littered with the will and fingerprints of God Himself. In fact, He is the One. And whoever He sends my way should be pointing to that truth.

Cell retreat was awesome. Really. Awesome. Lord, You love us. You care for us and You pursue us with a fierce passion! I love You Lord. Let nothing come in between us, I pray. No idols. Give me a pure heart. I lift my soul up to You alone. Consume my total being, Jesus take control. I want to be lost in Your love forevermore.

John 4:35
Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

As I searched God's Word for an answer this morning, I came upon this line, and it clicked! I have been surrounded by problems and issues that are immediate. And its amazing that God's answers don't always cater to the problem. Rather, He takes my eyes off them. Here it is, plain and simple: "Look at the fields!"

Having difficulty with relationships? Look at the fields!
Having trouble at home? Look at the fields!
Need healing in your heart? Look at the fields!

The good news for us is that God has prepared a harvest in every situation. If only we'd take our eyes off our petty issues and look outwardly - at the fields! What a great provision!

Yes, Lord. I will focus on Your harvest. Only You can bring me consolation and encouragement. As always. I shouldn't depend on anyone. Only You, God. Thank You so much that I can worship You even in the storm! Pheeewww! Isn't He amazing?

I have found exceeding joy
Jesus answered when I called
This name that has saved me
Pure love that embraced me

Mercy, grace, eternal life
Bought from darkness to His light
While lost in my sin, He
Raised me and made me live

My soul magnifies the Lord
My heart joys in God my Saviour
For He lifts the lowly
And He's done great things for me
I will sing, praising evermore
He is mighty, and holy is His name

I will lift my head up high
Praising Jesus through each trial
Though I have not seen Him
I love Him completely

Its the moment I've been waiting for.

But first, Father, Your will be done.

If it hurts You, stop me, somehow.

Bless me if it glorifies You.

To Your will alone I surrender.

Amen.

Its about time I bought a new journal. Need to pen down stuff that I can't explicitly write in here.

I get scared when I have free time...

Cos it means time is in my hands, and I have to make choices that decided whether the time spent at the end of the day was worthwhile. I always look forward to free days, cos its one chance to ask... nevermind.

But when it comes to the day itself, I'm afraid. I feel lost. I don't know who to call, what opportunities I'll miss if I take a certain step. If I do A, maybe I should have done B. If I did B, maybe I should have done C. There have been days when I totally felt wasted and drained with regret, simply because I wasn't satisfied with the things I did or the people I hung out with.

I wanna call some people whom I really wanna talk to, but I'm afraid they'll reject, or else they are too busy. Then I'll call some others, and then I don't get to spend the kind of quality time I had hoped to. And I can't stay at home, and I don't want to. My space is limited to the hall, literally, a circumference of 2 steps. My bed is the sofa, and my com is just 2 tables away. No, I don't wanna stay home. I wanna go out. But who and where? I'm desperate. For some direction.

I like free time. I get to sleep more. I get to do some things that I like. But its really scary.

Father, I dunno how You'll answer this prayer, but would You please give me an amazing day tomorrow? I know I need something, but I don't know exactly what. But lead me to the place, where it is the exact place You want me to be, the exact people that You're pleased with me to spend time with, and the things available that You're most want me to do.

I need You Lord. I surrender tomorrow to You. Amen.

It affects my side of the friendship 'cause everything seems awkward... EVERYTHING! Down to the hi's and what comes after that, and the comments and the complements, and the smiles and the humour, and all the hints, thoughts and guesses I have to make... I feel so torn. I'm worn out. I feel so fake and lousy with no one encouraging me rightly. I wanna die. I need to die. No longer I... No longer I... but Christ. Deny yourself, Ivan. Take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Sometimes, I wish I had a committed personal friend-leader whose advice would move me to tears cos its just so clear and simple and to the point.

Ohhh Lord, You're the last person I wanna pit myself against.
Do I make a move?
Do I pretend and ignore?
Do I flip the page for another?
I'd like to know what pleases You most.
So at least give me an answer.
And give me the right heart.
Amen.

And Mary said:

“ My soul magnifies the Lord,
And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name.
And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy,
As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”

Luke 1:46-55

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee, Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Be Thou my battleshield, sword for the fight
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower
Raise Thou me heavenward O Power of my power

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art

High King of heaven after victory won
May I reach heaven's joys O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my Vision O Ruler of all

Be Thou my Vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light


I walk alone
And my heart's cold as stone
In shades of deathly tone
Be Thou my Vision

In temptation
Appealing fleshly satisfaction
While blindness leads my sensation
Be Thou my Vision

My despair
Overwhelming lamentation
Grievances, desperation, need healing repair
Be Thou my Vision

Disappointments
Let-down moments
My heart cheated, lied to, betrayed by Confidante elements
Be Thou my Vision

In passion so enchanting
Yet mine expropriating
For honour and perfect timing
Be Thou my Vision

Lord hear my prayer.

sigh.... Xiangning (this acquaintant colleague) commented that I was cold, like, "freezing point", in her exact words, according to Alice. heh. just found out that Xiangyi also commented to Deborah (my boss) that I was kinda fierce also (to the kids, but maybe she got a shock out of it too?)... sigh...

I guess I'm kinda introvert by nature. Along the way, as I grew up, many people (friends of parents, aunties & uncles) commented that I can be really "quiet". That's true I guess. I'm not someone who feels comfortable opening up to people I'm not closed to, even in a social setting. Perhaps that's why I may appear cold to people who don't know me well.

Nevertheless, along the way, I kinda picked up social skills too, albiet with some (or much) difficulty and unnaturalness. heh I remember Gracia (hehe I bet you'll read this soon) complained I was "fierce" when she was sec 1, when I just felt tired or just thinking about stuff, and anger was totally out of my mind. So I had to work extra hard at learning how to be hyped up blah blah blah so as to satisfy her and the other kids.

Also, I somehow have this intrinsic expectation that people know how to connect with me in the "right way", if there's such a thing. Subtle exchanges based on eye contact and body language raher than mere words. So I guess, from my perspective, people ought to kinda fit into the right "posture" or "atmosphere" in terms of attitude in order to be able to connect with me.

Also, I guess I'm a deep person, and also a big-pictured one, so my outward view of things are usually based on the whole situation, rather than on the immediate circumstances. For example, when something needs to be done, I'll focus on how best to arrange everything, and in the process ignore certain quirks of people that may serve to slow me down, although I know I do not compromise relationship overall, but I just cannot entertain abrupt or petty demands for attention.

Anyways, freezing point, as many people may have experienced from interacting with me. Oh wells, God please help me to be more social, or do You prefer me this way? So help me God.

I've been semi-successful at keeping my thoughts away from the subject, at least wayyy more than just about a month ago. Been feeling more fruitful these days, becoming more and more convinced that everything is in God's hands. I might as well stay single for the next 10 years doing what He wants me to do, while I'm already learning to love it.

(By the way, it takes a lot to say 10 more years. It's something I'd say, perhaps, 8 years ago, but in my 20s, inclination is to say, the most, a few years. But seems like God is moving through my desires and reshaping them, such that I somehow really believe and like that wisdom that patience always offers the best.)

Haven't thought as much, haven't talked or even met in a while...

Today, I encountered. Natural instincts arose, but I've got better control this time. I'm captivated only by One Thing. And that's Jesus. I pray it'll stay this way forever.

You have stolen my heart
I'm captivated by You
Never will You and I be apart
I've fallen deeply in love with You

And... I surrender to You. No longer I, but Christ who lives in me, and in all those who love and fear Him. Your ways are higher than mine, and You can bear weight that is far too heavy for me. But I pray for a breakthrough soon. And heal my disappointment, Lord. It is great, but You are greater. Your love never fails, and Your hope will save the day. I believe it (: You are a jealous God.

All the praise and glory to God

All the praise and glory to God, we sing Hallelujah!

How could I forget? The Cross. The nails. The blood. The crown of thorns. The lashes. The grave.

The ressurection.

Love. The value of this word, perverted and watered down my man. Forgotten and replaced by substitutes that we idolise... that I idolise. How many times have I walked away from it. Yet, He pursues me and gives grace for me to be made right with Him once again.

I wanna worship You with all my heart. It's Your love that has saved me.

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

- John 4:13-14

Read this passage in 2 min with ultra sleepy eyes, hoping to internalise everything before I start my day off at work. I guess ever since I've been doing this projects in this semester, I haven't been having QTs for more than 10 min, to be honest. But I don't think its like backsliding. Brings me back to secondary school days when this was the case too! But evidently, I grew spiritually, even if I just tried. I guess what Jesus really looks out for isn't my outward devotion, but He appreciates and honours my efforts at trying! (: But that's not to say I'll keep it up. When I have the luxury of the whole morning, I'll devote it to Him (:

Simple and short passage, but as I thought about it with a half-conscious mind on my way to work, I began to treasure this simple truth - I will never thirst if I consume Jesus! Turning to Him, trusting in His words and plans for my life, worshipping Him alone and throughout the day in my heart and with all my attitudes... these things will satisfy my thirst.

Simple. Deep. Life-changing. Life in the fullest. The well in my belly shall overflow as I engage in deep intercessory and worship throughout the day. A lifestyle of worship. On the train, in class, in my teaching, when I'm eating, in a cinema etc.

Simple, stable, unshakable truth. In a world full of changes and shiftings... even in the best people and situations, things do go wrong. But His truth remains. What a consolation. What encouragement! I will never thirst.

In a world full of shifting sands
I'll stand firm on my God's commands
To live in His unshakable truth! (:

for reference, yours and mine...

He is in a fierce pursuit of you. When things get shaken, it doesn't mean He's not there, or that He's angry... Pause and listen. He's crying out for you to return the affection. Look over your shoulders, and you can see a Lover more desperate for you than you are of... anything. The solution, as I learnt it: worship, all the time. The most beautiful thing is this: that there comes upon a time when you can truly truly say "Lord, I don't need anything else." Anything. Any person. Any... thing. In such abandonment lies the greatest satisfaction.

Your voice is critical. You are critical. You matter. Not just to any man, but to your Pursuer.

His love is like a fire burning. We need it inside our hearts.

He won't relent until He has it all.

~ With much friendly love and affection. ~

Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another.

I realised that in everything that I engage in, there's a threshold which once crossed, leads to it becoming an idol. Spending too much time thinking about something becomes idolatry. Happened recently, in the past year i guess, or 2 years? I've been engaged in people, girl(s), ministry, work etc etc, and these things have from time to time become idols.

I realised the consequence of idolatry is not that God will punish me or something, but that His jealousy gets aroused. He gets jealous when I thought of her day and night. He's jealous when I spend my emotions and thoughts on "ministry". I love these people, but my life does not revolve around them. It revolves around God alone. He is jealous for me. For my affection, devotion, obedience etc. My God, my beloved.

WOW! God's tabernacle was built with material from Egypt. That's one awesome revelation... that precious things can be taken from the world, redeemed and be used for God's glory!