Word

In the beginning was the Word. The Word was with God, the Word was God.

Whenever I breathe a word, let there be light.

So help me God.

the greatest of these is love

it's a few days to camp, and it seems that many things have been happening in their lives. somehow, i've been made aware of the stuff that's been going on. hurts, pains, sins, ugly sides, secrets etc. some are kinda expected to me, while others are just shocking. (so does he know what's going on between me and..?) hehe maybe

well, but nothing surprises God, i suppose. hopefully they'll find some solace in this truth. He's all-knowing, and all-able to mend broken hearts. if only we'd ask. somehow, i'm beginning to see the need for these young peeps - my sheep - to come to a knowledge about God's marvelous provision in terms of covering. if only they'd realise that He's built a shelter for all, and if only we'd rest under that covering, we'll be okay. that's why under cover.

it's all about healing relationships. faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love. love is the epitomy of relationships. faith involves boldness to believe, hope involves the ability to dream of a better possibility, but love involves... another person.

it's all about relationships. if only we'd get it right. somehow, i've gotten over the frustration about their lack of understanding, and have switched to having a compassion for them. perhaps the work has to begin in me first before it starts in them. under cover - the shepherd has to be made right before those under my authority can be blessed.

sometimes, i find it sheepish to call them sheep, but it was they way Jesus saw his disciples, so o well, i'm on my journey to discover the intimacy of such an address.

we are one. let no deceit break our unity. i'm praying hard for God to come through this time and save the day once again. only He can prove Himself mighty to save.

behold the coming of His Majesty. same time, same channel.

while lust and love seemed similarly fuzzy

i presented my desire for untold pleasure

of features gorgeous, humpy, slick and pretty

for i believed charm's allure to be the measure.

God answered my desire, though, not as i prayed.

He showed me daughters of glory, a time much later.

for heaven's young treasures i utterly forsake myself to behold,

my desire once teased now reaps pleasures manifold.

I treasure you,

sisters.

Your love never fails

i need attention. badly. been sucking it off certain people lately, especially those closer to me. dunno if they can feel it, because i've been so good at being "good" and "mature".

somehow i'm believing the lie that things will be better if only others would think the world of me. silly me. it won't be. the tension between fear and hope. the fear of losing my appeal, and the hope of being free from this fear. i think my pride has carried me too far, such that i feel robbed when i don't get the glamour. foolish.

to be honest, i want people to like me. it's such a girly thing, and i wonder from whom i rubbed it off... my mum? Ivan, be a man.

but really, i do need attention, and the answer is obvious. i needed a pathway back to that secret place when i can be secure and at peace again. so this song came along:



nothing can separate
even if i ran away
Your love never fails

i know i still make mistakes but
You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
and when the oceans rage
i don't have to be afraid
becase i know that You love me
Your love never fails

the wind is strong and the waters deep but
i'm not alone here in these open seas
Your love never fails

the chasm was far too wide
i never thought i'd reach the other side
Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good


i don't need to be afraid. i don't need more attention. your love never fails.

nice vid

Lol this video is such a de-stresser. SERIOUSLY. Like, one moment I was dwelling on gloomy stuff, the next moment I was watching this vid and my whole heart was like jumping happily HAHA :D should focus on such silly & funny things more to make my life more lively than emo-ish. This vid's hilarious. Helps if you know Cantonese, Hong Kong variety, with some understanding of popular jargons in the 70's. I bet I can understand this song better than Ronice or Rachel, thanks to Chi Fai.

Which reminds me, Chi Fai, I miss youuu ! 我好密絲你! But you don't read blogs...

Disappointment

I'm really disappointed with some people. One moment, I place great hopes on a person, the next moment, he/she just spits at me right in the face. Really wish to scold them, but I know I must be patient.

Being a leader is tiresome. Really feel like a parent, taking care of God's kids some of whom consistently behave as if God wasn't their Father. They neither fear God nor His appointed authority. I don't mean to sound religious, but such descriptions reflect the fire in my heart. I wish I could explain it all in a relational language free of "holy" jargon, but I'm stuck trying. May God blast you guys, not that you'll die, but that you'll learn (I wish I could've ended this sentence at "guys", but then I'll sound like a terrorist).

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too judgemental, or maybe I'm blinded by rage. But I recognise rebellion by the smell of it. You see, it's difficult. But it's okay. Jesus was gentle, so will I learn to be. (I'll take back the "God blast you" part).

Mum unplugged my new phone that was supposed to be charging for 16 hours.

Me: why you so keh-kiang (in my softer than normal tone, while I was watching some video, so I wasn't looking for a quarrel or anything, just stating a factual comment)

Mum: WHY YOU SO RUDE!?!? YOU KNOW I BOUGHT THE PHONE FOR YOU? HUH, SAY I KEH KIANG, YOU SO SMART GO BUY YOURSELF LAH !! YOU TALK TO PASTOR LIDDAT IZZIT ?!?! THEN WHY YOU TALK TO ME LIDDAT etc etc etc

In my heart: Mum, I was referring to the specific action of unplugging my phone. nothing to do with whether it was you or I who bought the phone, or how I talk to Pastor (I heard her sons gave her worse sometimes)...

sigh... women... (or is it just my mum)

Girls. The cause for the greatest excitement, and many time also the greatest cause of stress for me personally. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to play guessing games. Other times I just wish I knew what to say. But still, if you're reading this, and I've kinda talked to you about *deep stuff* before, I just wanna say that I'm gonna concentrate on the GOOD parts. Thats what keeps me going. Really. Not that there're lots of bad stuff, but things do go awry sometimes D:

You're a good channel to release emotions and talk about deep stuff. You know, sometimes when we do guys stuff, the communication revolves around dry information. Intelligent, but not satisfying. Of course there are times when guys talk about guys stuff and it becomes fulfilling.

Anyways, talked to 2 very interesting little girls today. Totally enjoyed the 4 hours at Island Creamery, except for the earlier part where I seriously thought they weren't coming. Hope to talk to you soon, Anna and Fi (:

A Tribute

Sometimes I prefer that I was lonely again.
To hear the sweet sound of silence, in moments when I
just bought a tray of food during recess and then wonder who should I sit with
or holding the phone in my hand and wondering who to call or sms
because I felt so alone and... unlikable.

As occasional reminders about those lonesome times ring
I remember a friend who sat beside me on that empty canteen bench
and the one whom I relegated to the last resort when I could tell nobody my pains.
He sat gently beside me and cried too.

Like a Father he taught me how to be confident.
He completely silenced the voices that labelled me anything less than a good and capable man.
I asked if I could have some close friends, and He gave.
I asked to be popular with girls, and He responded humourously

So in times like now I sniff the silence
It brings me back to the place where girls and friends fall short
Whom to talk to or who to sit with
remain questions I'll gladly hesitate to answer.

Your Name

I've never felt lousier in a long time .

Said stupid stuff today . Did silly actions too . I'd like to excuse it as due to a lack of sleep, but I know I can't excuse myself for not exercising self-control . it's a fruit of the Spirit after all, so if I had the Spirit in me I should still have been sane right?

I'm messed up. I feel like crap. I feel like slapping myself, been calling myself "dumb" or "stupid" or "silly" under my breath a thousand times. I wish I don't have to face those whom I've let down again, but I know it's not realistic.

I feel lousy.

but

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save... but Your Name

I can be saved. I am safe. I can feel restored almost immediately.

'Cause Your Name...

cuz I'm affected

know what ? I'm really affected by this generation of youths . maybe it's because I'm called to "lead" this generation . or maybe it's cuz I spend a LOT of time with them anyway . well, one thing I'm affected by is their crazy blogging habits .

hey guys, if you're reading this, just wanna share with you a whacking experience . seeing you guys blog so frequently, honestly, expressively, and largely brokenly has been a shocking experience for me, because it's just sooo different than my generation (and even more so for the generations older than mine) - we'd consider washing dirty linens in public an almost disgraceful thing . you'll prolly think I'm old fashioned, but wait till you're my age and you'll know what I mean - I was once at an age where older people thought my generation was ridiculous .

however, after all these months, I've realised that it is in a way a good thing, cuz blogs are in a way a very good avenue for people to just express their entire hearts out, and friends can just read their blogs to keep themselves updated about their friends . the downside, tho, is that it's hard to communicate what's "appropriate", cuz people can say just about whatever they want .

Anyways, just to announce the start of my intense blogging adventure from now on . ;D

A Valid Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus, I don't know what to pray to you, but thanks for listening anyway . Amen .

A voice inside me few know exists

Roses are red, violets are blue . I'm two-and-twenty, how's that different than you ?

I don't live my life differently just because it's "my own right" . I've got no "rights", and neither do you . I'm showing you how to live your life, ****** .

I'm mortal

A wise person doesn't need to make his feelings known . but a living person does .

To those who hold an offense against me

I'm imperfect . forgive me . but if you won't, it's okay . I'll forgive you for that .

A Leader's Prayer

People are hurting, All around me
Juniors in their growing up years
Girls who look for meaning through relationships and emotions
Boys who constantly seek their worth in unworthy places

People are hurting, life is weary
young men in camps, drained by dry routine
still some in streets and campuses lusting away
at young ladies who loose themselves, seeking Pleasure's good opinion.

Father, hear me now. You sent me to them as leader and light.
How may I prove healer as you are to broken hearts and undone self-esteems
Satisfier of empty cravings and affirmer of beauty?
Create in me a servant's heart.

Widom in me, deeds of lovingkindness, I beseech.
Daunting tasks may be, still calling be mine privilege.

National Day

I love my country.

During school days,
National day songs were cheesy (they still are, to some extent)
Singing the national anthem and saying the pledge were a bore
National Day Parades were lame except for fireworks.
I received an education nonetheless, and a world-class one at that.

During National Service,
I had more reasons to dread being a Singaporean
"Serving the nation" was the farthest from doing noble things
The nation that I suffered for seemed the least grateful in many occasions
Still the truth persisted - through young men like me I enjoyed our peace and wealth.

However, when I think back and consider the bigger picture...
When I think about my family and relatives that form the basic support of my life
The people I love dearly in Kum Yan Church, and my friends I've made throughout my life
The girls I've had a crush on etc..
Surely they are worth something!!

Where else can I get a close-to-similar experience?

Beyond myself and in honour's sake
This land that I was born to live somehow bears my soul whereupon to die in selfless ardency
For the Nation - God besides - that bears my identity
Shall inherit my soul's utmost devotion.

God Bless Singapore!

Majulah Singapura!

breaking free

update! update!

sorry for the long break. totally retired from writing for a while, because i really couldn't find the purpose in blogs. well, it seems, now i have!

one thing that has been on my heart is the familiness of JYC - is it genuine or superficial? that being said, i totally DO NOT doubt those who truely love JYC and have devoted themselves to making it a warm place for people to come. however, because people aren't perfect, hurts do arise from wrong/imperfect/incomplete relationships.

relationships. that's the key.

from a leader's perspective, it's really good seeing friendships formed and people getting to know one another better. however, i feel that there should be more 'breaking out of the circle' amongst people who have their own group.

yes, it's good to have friends who are closer than the rest, and rightly so. BUT this should not lead to an explicit display of cliques whilst in church. very often, i get people saying, "oh, but it's so-and-so's group that's going for lunch at waterloo, and it'll be wierd if i tag along" and the like. granted, it really is awkward when we first hang around people whom we normally don't. however, we should not let such awkwardness get in the way of us reaching out. we need to face our fears of being the one to break through the ice in the persuit of building relationships that last.

ESTABLISHING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH A BROTHER OR SISTER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN CIRCLE.

think about it. unless God calls us to leave, we'll all be seeing one another for the next 30, 40, 50 years in KY! surely you won't wanna let such childish and damaging habits inhibit us from being truely free to love one another?!

i say that for myself as well. i haven't been perfect at exercising this very important principle. rather, i often fail. but i have learnt that comfort, when exceedingly sought, becomes poison. and i now want as many people to know it!

let us all be deliberately inclusive, with the purpose of making lifelong friendships. it is in our very nature to remain comfortable in our exclusive 'club', and we need to battle that nature, or it can well destroy JYC.

no more "them" and "us". let us be one.