freedom

08 dec 2007 - O.R.D.

it's been 2 crazy years. 2 years of minimal freedom. 2 years of bondservanthood.

now, i get to come home everyday, shower with warm water, use my computer daily, and most dearly missed - i get to spend time with people who matter to me.

church has become my second home once again. just spending time with people who changed my life - that itself remains lifechanging indeed. playing, doing work i enjoy, meeting people i love..... these things have become so foreign.

in JYC... looking at the sec 3s just makes me wanna cry. i remember spending some time with ruoting before enlisting - she was such a chirpy innocent girl. now she's a changed person, matured and grown (perhaps still growing) up. limxi, quiet and shy; now she's open and expressive. bea was such a cute little girl, and now she's a leader in her own right, caring for younger ones and even leading her peers. (sorry guys, i got to know you all only recently =D no hard feelings okay?) and now that i've got time again, they're all leaving. what have i missed out?

missing out.... it's a difficult thing to accept. nevertheless, i've learnt lessons in these 2 years i coundn't have otherwise. now that it's over, i've got to make these lessons worth the while. 2 years ain't no joke. it's a heavy price to pay. i need God to show me how to live it right.

freedom is so cool. no book-ins, no regiment, no half-baked food (literally hahahaha). i really love this kinda lifestyle. i appreciate freedom. but more importantly, i appreciate the spiritual freedom that Christ bought with his blood - the freedom that can never be taken away. it was with me even throughout the last 2 years, when physical freedom seems bleak.

that is real freedom; it is grace so amazing. such freedom cannot be matched. the freedom i'm experiencing now would be meaningless without that greater freedom inside. that's freedom to smile at the storm, freedom to persevere in hardship, freedom to keep my words pure even when swearing seems to be the norm. freedom to say God is good in the midst of trouble, freedom to thank God in times of need. freedom to have joy amidst frustration.

wow. what a privilege to gain such freedom! what have i done to deserve such grace? it's so real, i cannot deny it's power. i can only stand in awe of the One who gave it all - He died to give me liberty. sin has lost its hold on me, and i have overcome death itself.

i am free indeed.

Army Open House

It's been a long time! Where should I start......?

Right. Army Open House. AOH lasted for 5 days, and was a really great experience for me. I, being an ambassador, had the privilege of interacting with the public. Also, unfortunately, my regard for Singaporeans has since deteriorated.

I was stationed at one of the information booths, and my duty was to give directions as well as to distribute freebies. My gosh. I couldn't believe it when I saw the way people would degrade themselves and express their ungenerousity just so that they could get their hands on some pretty useless freebies (small souvenir pins, pens and the like). Some would go around asking for more. Some would snatch and push. Some would come everyday just to keep getting stuff. Some cheated in the games; some stole. To me, that's stupid and shameful.

It's annoying to see Singaporeans like that. I mean, we're a first world country! We're affluent compared to our neighbours as well as the world. Need we be such misers? I mean, it's not even food! It's just some little tokens.... cheap stuff!

I'm not saying that people should not want those stuff. It's perfectly okay to want stuff, especially if they are free. However, the way those guys expressed their desperation for such peanuts was simply ridiculous and unacceptable.

Nevertheless, I survived. Thanks to all those who made my day! There were a few visitors who had the best manners in the world. There were also many cute children, whom we, the ambassadors, showered with gifts and free ice-cream coupons. Lastly, of course, there were the beauties stationed at the drinks stalls, tile-painting section and other parts of Family Land (the main hall). Without you, AOH couldn't have been memorable! =D

Sore eyes

It's morning! blink blink blink.... My eyes... they're dry..... they're sour.... they're.... RED! And there goes my day.

This is something I live through. I visited and eye specialist earlier this year, and she said that I've got allergic conjunctivitis, which means that my eyes would become red for no apparent reason. I hate it, because it affects my image, and hence my mood. No, I'm not obsessively cosmetic. I'm not in the business of desperately trying to draw people's attention or approval. However, I do mind possessing a seemingly nocuous (allergic conjunctivitis, unlike bacterial or viral conjunctivities, is not contagious) quality that repels people.

So, on days when my eyes act up, I struggle to meet with people, especially during weekends, when it's time to go out. I talk to people looking down, or elsewhere, because I'm afraid I'll freak them out. Many times, I know that people would say that it's alright and stuff, but deep down, I know that people don't just see a guy with sore eyes and think, "Oh, it's nothing." I love people, and I don't like to scare them.

I've been praying for healing, but I have not received it. I believe in miracles, and I believe in the One behind the miracles. I believe He has His reasons for allowing this sickness, and many other bad things, in my life. And all these things are in my life because this is His way of loving me. Sometimes He's gentle, sometimes He's tough. In good times, I enjoy His goodness; in tough times (like when I've got sore eyes), He enjoys coming through. And when the going gets really tough, He whispers, "Just a few more years and you'll be through, past that (finish) line is life anew!"

Yea, so I'm persevering....

Break

It's been a long time. I mean, since I had a break. The last one I had was in december. I'm currently taking a one week break from army life. Boy, this is awesome. No regiment, no orders, no duties, NO REVEILLE. I wake up when I feel like it, do whatever I wanna do, take meals as and when I'd like, all in the comfort of home. It's really cool. My home is clean, my bed is soft, my room is air-conditioned, my showers have got heaters, my family doesn't give commands etc.

Then I begin to question: what is it about regimentation that it's so hard to get used to?
I've been serving for about one-and-a-half years now, and I still don't seem to be able to get accustomed to the military lifestyle. I take a while to get awake early in the morning, I don't like following orders, I dread bunk inspections, and I still can't stand cold showers!

Perhaps it's just the way I am. I need lots of sleep, I've got my own way of doing things, I'm not a neat-freak, and I'm warm blooded. No matter how many time's I've done those regimental stuff over and over again, it doesn't change who I am. Looking back, I realise that I've actually been struggling with life for the past one-and-a-half years. I was too busy following regiment that I did not stop to consider the pain that I had. Well, perhaps that was helpful in preventing me from being pessimistic or cynical. But it's still good to know what's better out there so that I don't get stuck in that pathetic ignorance forever. Thankfully, National Service does come to an end.

Anyways, it's good to have a break. Chillin out's cool.

See you later, Aunty May

Each time i attend a funeral, death becomes more of a reality. It hits me hard for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it is because life becomes different, and that process is difficult. A factor of influence has been taken away, and the sum of influences in my life changes and life takes a different momentum. People disappear. Like, one moment I'm talking to her, the next moment she's totally out of my life. And then I look at the world - life goes on as if what had happened wasn't a big deal. It IS a big deal to me, but the world out there doesn't seem to understand or care. So the next day I go with the flow, doing the things I've been doing. It's so cruel. Why doesn't the whole world just pause for a moment so that I can take time off to settle stuff? Why can't the world just stop running when I need a break?

The second point is my response to the first - life in this world is meaningless. I get stuff, I give stuff. I do stuff, and I undo stuff by doing some more stuff. I gain stuff, I lose stuff. I like stuff, I dislike stuff. I remember stuff, I forget stuff. And when it's my turn to be the object of the funeral, all this stuff counts for nothing. Damn these things! I am meant for SO MUCH MORE! I know it cos I see the capacity in me for things that are infinitely big and eternal. But I have to die.

God loves the world, so Jesus came. Whoever trusts in Him will have ETERNAL life. That's the beauty of the Gospel. It isn't for people who have it going, or so they think. It isn't for people who are great, or so they think. It isn't for people who are safe, or so they think. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for those who realise that at the end of this road, all their accumulated stuff counts for nothing, and they're desperate for something beyond this temporal existence. It's not just what the Bible says. Our desires confirm that. Our appetite for fairytales confirm that. Worldwide trends confirm that. Terrorism confirms that (the terrorists are desperately trying to earn their place in 'heaven').

The Gospel is so appealing to our intellectual and emotional need because it satisfies us with hope (of something that has not yet come). That even if the Gospel wasn't true, it's still worth believing. But I know it's true, because Jesus came into my life and did something REAL and ETERNAL inside. And there's nothing anyone can say, no argument thrown at me, that will change my mind about that.

So, Aunty May has just accomplished her purpose on earth. She has made the decision to be honest with her need and follow Christ. And because of that I'm sure that I'll see her in paradise, soon.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day

As the number of Valentine's Days that I've lived through increase, my impression of this lovely day changes from one that's all about romance to a day that could include friends and family.

I remember that while I was in my mid teens, V Day was the worst day to stay outside. I would go home immediately after school. Obviously, I didn't have a date. Time and again, I told myself that by the following V Day I must have had a date. On hindsight... how stupid.

This year, however, I went out with a bunch of guy friends! They were my army friends. We had half the day off. So we went to town. We did little more than playing lan though... how embarrassing! Still, we kinda had a quality time together and that's what matters.

Nevertheless, there's still a lingering hope in my heart - I've got to be honest - that on 14 February 2008, I'll have a date!

What makes a Christian

A series of events have led me to question the meaning of being a Christian. Is it being perfect? Or always having an exemplary conduct?
Such expectations may sound absurd. But, having been attending church since nine months before I was born, I realise that many people I've known do expect me to behave in a certain manner, often that which is more restricted and conservative. Say, I'm not supposed to play pranks or talk about taboo subjects etc...

So, I came to a conclusion.
A Christian is inherently imperfect. I am hopelessly imperfect and utterly in need of remedy. That's why I recognise the need for God; that's why I really need a Saviour! Thus it wouldn't make sense if people expect Christians to be sweeties and Mr. Nice Guys. We really are not! Rather, we're ones who've come to realise that.

However, that's not to say that we can forget about our obligation to do good. I'm just saying that doing good doesn't make us Christians - good deeds don't lead us to heaven. Rather, heaven has come to us freely. And since we've gained something we don't deserve, out of a grateful heart, we would naturally extend the grace which was first extended to us.

Hence, a Christian is as much of a mistake-maker as a non-Christian. The difference is that the Christian has chosen to acknowledge his sins and accepted God (Jesus) as his Saviour, and is thus saved.

(These are my personal thoughts and are the result of my experiences. They do not reflect the stand of the Christian Church or any Christian leader.)

Found!

I lost my 11B (military ID) over the weekend. Thank God Ian found it in his office, along with other stuff that fell off my wallet. About 11 months ago, I had lost my first 11B (hmm I must be a really careless person). Back then, I was worried sick about it, cos I was afraid of what my superiors might have done to me. (oh, I really did lose my 11B then and they did nothing to me.. I just had to pay a replacement fee of $50)

Back then, there was Ian too! He told me not to worry. My superiors could have punished me however they wished, but they couldn't take my life. That was one golden advice I held to throughout my army life thus far. And I thank God, because I know that my life is in His hands. Because He is in control, things don't just happen to me randomly, leaving me to fend for myself and make do with what life throws at me. No, every circumstance is intended for me - the good which he lovingly grants and the bad which He also lovingly allows for my training.

I think that's why Paul rehetorically asked, "If My God is for me, who then can be against me?" Indeed, having God on my side is a win-win situation. Good times bless me and bad times train me. What have I got to lose? Haha! I'm so happy and relieved now that I'm typing without stopping to think.... hahahahaha

Bible talks about how people lose things and later find them, afterward being more careful with the way they keep them. Yea, how timely it is that my mum just gave me a new wallet, which is more secured than my current one! I don't know... things are just happening so quickly =)

All in all, I think I owe everything to God, who owns the universe in the first place. Better than my 11B, I've found One whom I can trust forever.

Hello 2007

I've got a special feeling about this year, and I'm pretty excited about it. As I breathed past the new year, I recalled how I started off in the year 2006. It was the worst year of my life - thanks to national service. Don't be mistaken - I'm not anti-NS. In fact I regard NS as an important factor of Singapore's survival. It was the seemingly random (yet all too timely to be arbitrary) s**t (pardon me, I couldn't think of a better word) I was in that tore me apart, all the way till the end of the year, which was when things started to get better. So, by now, all the trials seem to be over.

As some preach, trials come before a blessing. In addition, this is the seventh year of the third millenium (pretty numbers: 7 and 3). Hence optimism =) I might sound utterly superstitious, but the equation seems all too fitting to be false.

Right now, I'm not sure what to expect. But I'm pretty sure things can't get worse. I've plunged rock bottom. There's only one way left.

Back from Australia. 3 weeks away from home, church and friends. I feel dry. Really dry. My spiritual situation is not worth mentioning. I am wretched. That's what I discovered of myself while I was away. I need help.

Family

I just listened to the podcast by New Life Church titled: Latest Information on the Senior Pastoral Transition.

Tragedy. That was my first thought when I heard about the incident. Yet, after listening to the message, my heart was filled with hope again. "How wonderful!" I thought. In bad times, as one of the pastors had said, a family draws closer together. Sounds easy, doesn't it? I mean, it's like duh! However, as I imagined the hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger, betrayal etc, I came to realise that it was serious stuff. I mean, if it were a small case of little consequences, it'll be easy to forgive. But for such a high profile case, affecting even me, half the world away here in Singapore, to forgive the person and to say that "It is well" is a really silly thing to say, if it weren't real. But it is real!The church still functions. As it was mentioned in the podcast, tragedy proves that we really need a Saviour! And how the family (church) resonds will show how mighty God is to save.

I totally believe good will come out of the situation. There's hope. Perhaps, in like 10 years' time, we might look back and say that this case wasn't actually God's judgement on pastor Tedd or the church of America. Rather, it was His mercy.

Uncertainty.
Happens a lot in army life.
One moment I think the job's done.
The next, I find my duties piling.
Hence, whenever I find my job done, I try my best to avoid finding out stuff,
because knowing more means having a greater responsibility.
"I didn't know about it" is, most of the time, a valid excuse.
Responsibility. Why am I so afraid of it?
Burdens, perhaps. Huge burdens. Stress? Maybe.
The worst part of the duties is, of course, the work that I have to do.
Work. Work work work.
Perhaps a much disliked word in the working world.
Makes me feel tired and weary.
Takes up my energy and free time.
Work. Kinda meaningless in a meaningless world.
Purpose. That's what I need.
That's what the Christian is supposed to have.
Boy, it's not easy.
Still, Bible says that all our work are to be done unto God himself,
before superiors or anybody else.
Worship. That's what my work is supposed to be.
That's what's required of my lifestyle.
Above all, it's my response to a Saviour whose job was to die so that I can live.
Live... My life restored.
Uncertainty gone. My destiny is sealed.
Purpose is derived, meaning appears.
Work makes sense, grateful worship offered.

Imperfection.
So many times I just blew it.
Lost my temper, hurled the poison dagger out of my flamming tongue.
Polluted the pure, hurt the peaceful
Ignored the helpless, indifferent to the plight of those whom I'm responsible for.

After which, guilt comes to me like an executioner, ready to bring me to justice.
I know there's no escape.
On moral grounds I'm wrong,
and on moral grounds guilt imprisons me.

Guilt, shame, self-pity.
Dynamic trio. The last thing anyone could ever escape from, if not...
If not for the cross.
My! Why didn't I think of that?
Justice.
Justice has been done.
While i was unaware, someone received my due punishment on behalf of me.
My finite debt had been settled at a cost of infinity.
So then, why should I be put on trial once again?
Injustice!
Though undeserving, I rightfully demand my release.
No more! I shall not be condemned!
I declare freedom!

O, that a Saviour should rescue me!
What grace is this that saved my soul?
I am eternally grateful.

Amazing grace. How sweet the sound.

Sleepy. Tired. Been a short week, with 2 half-days and a full-day off.
Though, most of my exhaustion had been carried over from last week.
Physically undemanding week, spiritually weary.

Shine.
That's what we Christians have been called to do.
Shine in the midst of darkness.
Usher in the presence of God.
Tell others about Jesus.
Make disciples.

Love.
The greatest commandment.
The foremost and foundational attribute of God himself.
Self-sacrificial, others-centred.
My duty to God and Man.

Expectations.
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Headache.
Light that shines.
Me, a man who ought to be hardworking so as to set an example for others.
One who ought to walk the extra mile as a testimony of generosity.
Well, after all, I've been given much.
So giving more than what others normally would wouldn't be much of a problem. Right?
O yes it matters! I'm tired and de-energized, and I'm expected to voluntarily run the errand which everyone else avoids!?
Give me a break! Even Christians need a break!
And, the thing Christians are often told to do - share the faith.
Tell others about Jesus! They've got to know, or else they'll....
But they've heard the gospel a thousand times!
And what they've gotten from those "clanging cymbals" is a hurt soul and a bad impression.
What do you expect me to say?

Love.
When speech fails and hearts are wounded, loving acts edify.
Both the beloved and the lover.
Dry soul, empty heart. Keep loving.
When I'm weak and weary, my Father watches over and more grace flows in abundance.
I can always try to live up to the calling, and I still can't.
Only grace can.
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My week has been one of searching for substance.
Substance in faith, substance that would help me overcome the struggles I just mentioned.
Pending questions that demand quick and illustrative answers.
Searching for a higher level of reality in my experience with God.
I'm looking for true and lasting satisfaction.
Something that fulfills what I've been made to need.

I don't know. It's so hard to be a GOOD Christian. As I shared at cell last night, it is hard to not get irritated at irresponsible people making irresponsible remarks that don't help to get the job done. Doing physically challenging work, ok with the work; arbitrary insensitive opinion, not ok with that provocation. "Just shut up!" My heart screams. Though, what came out of my mouth wasn't as harsh. Still, offensive. Unloving? Yes. I'm sorry, Father. Judging, I'm not so sure. But, if I judged, I'm sorry for that too. Sorry for everything else that demand an apology...

That is the problem! I keep saying sorry. In a way, it's good, because that shows that I know it when I'm wrong. The bad thing about it: I keep making mistakes. Victory seems so far away, or so I feel.

But I'm a Christian!

Christian, Christ. Christ, power. Power, victory. Victory, life. Life, Christ. Christ, power. Power, victory. Victory, life. Life, Christ. Christ....

Wow. Eternal deadlock. Or better said, eternal lifelock. All I need is to be Christian. Believe in Jesus' crucifixion and ressurrection, confess that he is Lord.

Mistakes, no mistakes. Good, bad. These don't matter.
Just try harder next time, drawing more from His grace.

Bottom line: Christian.

Two words: second chance.

I'm forgiven. Period.

"No wonder they call him the Saviour."
~ Max Lucado

(Inspired by the book titled "No Wonder They Call Him The Saviour" written by Max Lucado. This book impacted my life. Thanks Max. Thank you, Father.)

Yesterday, we toured our new church building during power hour. It's at it's final stages of construction. Everywhere we went, everyone went "wow!" Haha, it was so pretty. When I saw that they had preserved the old lift and old stairways, I was stricken by a sense of nostalgia. I felt attached once again to the place. How thoughtful and creative of those who planned it this way! This was at the first floor. I held my steamy eyes and continued through all the seven storeys. At the seventh storey, the little worship hall brought back beautiful memories. I recounted the days when YC first started out and the camps in which we played games there. I was excited! All through the time we've spent at the holding building, I've never felt so connect to the church as when I spent about an hour at no.1 Queen street. There's something special about no.1 Queen street, and I'm sure it is God who has blessed that plot of land. I'm looking forward with anticipation to the day when we return to where Kum Yan Church really belongs to; the day when the new anointing arrives.

It's been a tiring week, with most of my time doing menial labour. Sometimes I'm left to wonder if I'm a soldier or a banglah worker. Even the banglahs are being paid higher than me. Anyways, spiritually, I've been on eagle's wings. I've been learning how to be a son to a perfect Father, and I'm beginning to realise to a higher extent how previliged I am. I am an imperfect man living in an imperfect world, with so many gaps in my life longing to be filled with something that satisfies. Yet I so often find myself disappointed with people, especially with people whom I look up to. However, I learnt that God is able to fill in those gaps, and I needn't be disappointed any longer. The Father shows the son, and the son wants to be like the Father. Like superman huh. Really enjoying intimate time with my heavenly Dad. I hope to learn more about how to save the world in a dramatic, large-scale, powerful and glamourous manner =)

Hello

hmmm... just created my blog. kinda satisfied =)