If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear Your voice
I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe

I'll remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I'll sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope, and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace, rest upon me
Staying desperate for you God, staying humbled at your feet
I will lift these hands and praise, I will believe

In my moment of despair, O Lord, You reach out and love me.

//


shucks! said the wrong stuffffff!!!!!!!!

so awkward...

but really thank wardz and jas sia for being so ready to give advices and listen to our (my) never ending queries and questions. it was great pouring out my heart's puzzles and allowing words of wisdom and experience speaking into my heart. it's really precious. although i kinda messed up about the *comment*, i felt really good after the time at macs (:

Leaders' meeting was awesome (: really excited what's gonna happen this June, and the years to come.

Ian was saying and describing how some leaders who have been fighting hard in their ministries, especially those ministries which have been hit hard. These leaders have carried a certain weight, and it's difficult to be "happy" when we gather in a group like that. No, it's not like we're all sulking our way to meeting. There's jokes, laughter, really hard laughter cause of Anton's games (he sure has a gift of cracking people up hehe :D). Yeah, but when you look around, you can see battle-scarred faces. We reckon it's a tough season. That's exactly how I feel. I believe a lot of leaders are also feeling that. So we prayed. We also prayed during power hour. I believe that the battle is the Lord's. His kingdom will not suffer loss. No. The path is narrow and the enemy desperate, but by His Spirit He will lead us to a breakthrough! (:

I think the first sentence every time you're around and I have the car

wanna tell you that every time I see you...

Gemma Arterton (: I like her eyes!

Just watched this movie with Yap, and it kept me thinking about how us human beings are so fascinated by happy endings, where the prince and princess live happily ever after. It makes me wonder too if God did place such a perfect dream in my heart. And if He did, the next question would be, if not now, why am I feeling it now?

Or is "happily ever after" just a fable? It appears more and more people are believing it as such. Perhaps that's why guys are being so open about their lust. But it's always been like that. What's changing is that fewer and fewer girls are treasuring their treasure. They no longer feel the need to save themselves for someone special, perhaps because they don't believe it. It's sad.

But I believe in happily ever after. I once did a survey, and with regards to my romantic life, it says that I'm "hopelessly romantic". I kinda agree. I hold on to such *feelings* really tightly, although I know not to impose anything on the other party. So it remains that I am but a fool in love.

I dream about perfection (:

I just want to be the superhero whom you'd cry out for when you're in distress
But only you can decide whether my powers are good enough
It is every boy's dream to be a hero
Am I qualified to be yours?

There are so many superheroes around, one or two especially powerful
Having tasted their powers, you'll probably do well without mine
You know, it's really painful when I try to do a good superhero job
When the very powers that I have to offer aren't really needed

I've been playing a lot of blues lately. On the guitar. Cause when the *feelings* step in and it seems difficult to cope, the joy of creating tunes kinda crack me up. It also helps that I've been spending a lot of time in church, studying in the hangout, although I can't really focus most of the time, cause there's a guitar there! Especially after wed's paper, I can't really focus on my next paper which is coming monday. But still, exam's aren't the most pressing things in my mind. Perhaps cause I know I'll prolly pass. Mugging is just a matter of how badly you want an A. And at this point, I don't really care, cause, I mean, I really don't value the "standard path" that much anymore. I'll still study, but I won't make it a priority. I just wanna take things easy and find out more about what life really is - that which God intended for it to be.

Adam and Eve weren't created for exams and meeting expectations. There were created for relationships - something they don't teach in schools these days. So yeah, relationships. The source of my greatest joy, and also my greatest pains. The joys are worth keeping. Every moment. But the pains... I've been searching for a solution. And recently, it dawned upon me. Time and again it is brought up. It's the central theme of the Bible. Yet many people miss it! It's forgiveness.

I've been trying to walk in forgiveness, putting aside every hurt and trusting God that He will be faithful to heal as long as I choose to release a person into forgiveness. The hurt doesn't always go away immediately, and I'll have to find ways and means to bide my time as God does His work. I won't give up on forgiveness, cause it's Jesus' love language, and so it shall be as mine too.

Meanwhile, when silly reminders arouse the pains, setting my emotions spinning into the blues, I'l just pick up the guitar, sing a song or two, playing the blues till the blues cease to be blue.

Music is powerful, I tell you. Thank God for it.

if it's true, then I understand. it's okay.

//

Read Acts today. I wanna be like Paul, pursuing Jesus all the way unto death. But for the past few years, it seems like i've been chasing practical things, like a degree, future prospects, ideas, family etc. and somehow, I've left the passion I had as a teen. I remember being devoted to almost every single Church event, like 100%. Army killed that, of course, with the weekends gone. It's practical, it's needed, but it also changed my mindset a bit. True, that we can't always be present for Church events, but since then, the appeal of practicality in the way I view things and in the choices that I make seems pretty high. Perhaps it's about time I looked back at, say, 17, and learn from the Ivan then.

Pursuing God unto death. It's pain in life that brings me back to such fundamental joy. Like, suddenly everything seems meaningless, and what's left is the hope that I buried deep in my heart. I don't wanna lose it. Really. Even if it means that I'm going to die a horrible death, or if I'm not going to get married at all (ouch!), or if I'm going to have to leave all my friends and loved ones etc etc. I need to place God first.

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

these words are easy to sing, but takes a whole lot of self-denial to really mean.

"I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way."
- Sharon Liang

mann... if a girl lady could live up to this, then surely I can, right?
C'mon Ivan. Be a man... after God's own heart!

Insecurity... it's poison I tell you.
Affects my temper, makes me unsettled, having the BIG need to laugh at something, having the need to belong, makes me say stupid things, spoils relations, dissatisfied with EVERYTHING, longing for more of Idontknowwhat... ARGH!!!

Then God spoke.

All you need is faith like a mustard seed, Ivan.
Faith. Like a mustard seed.
Insecurity makes you imagine things that are not there.
It tells you you're insufficient when I've already given you abundance.
It blinds you from the blessings in your life that are a cause for joy.
It seeks to leave you withered like a dead leaf.
Hear my voice. It's guiding you every step. You only have to pay very close attention to know what I'm saying. It's the voice of comfort. The voice of Truth. It tells you a different story of what's really going on - the truth, that is.

and off goes the load.

I should do QT now.

to all my sisters (:

this sounds kinda in-your-face
but wells, it's true

Amen.

Show me Your ways, O Lord.
Without You, life's a mess.
I want to know You more and more.

ahhhh shucks! i figured it.
and i'm sorry.
can you forgive me please please please please pleaseeeee??
I should have been more sensitive...
it wasn't negative. I promise!
i mean, I have NEVER for one moment thought you looked unimpressive...
Really!
From the bottom of my heart,
I promise!
*puppy eyes?*

ohhh mannn... I was sooo looking forward to coffee ):
stupid mouth fingers

I feel kinda separated. from things that i want. which is kinda good in a sense, cause it keeps me in reality. i can't really have everything that i want right... so believing that i'm kinda not suited for those things kinda keeps me humble a bit. which is good. i'm tired of being proud and having it all nice. although, the feeling's great, i've to admit. but with great gain comes also great fear of loss. so in the end, they cancel each other out. nothing is really "gain" at all. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that.

sigh... it's tough to have desires. How I wish I didn't have to like someone, or I didn't have to want things badly... isn't that so much better? there's just so much freedom in not having silly desires for silly things that can't be mine in the first place. I want that freedom back. I remember one of the best times, in J1. I didn't like anyone for a period. I was excited to serve in Church. I had a great time with my bros in Church. Had a group of really wacky guy friends too in school. And I was really into PlanetShakers and stuff, which really helped in my spiritual growth too. It was awesome. For a few months I knew I was just at the right place and at the right time. BUT all that changed in J2, starting from march hols. sigh... one thing happened after another, and now that I'm 23, it still seems that it's not gonna end. Desires are horrible.

At the end of the day, I'm still having to come to terms with that fact that only God fulfills our desires. Any other inclinations apart from Him won't really happen for us. That's the truth right in my face. Smashes my ego. Breaks my esteem. Perhaps there's where He wants me to be. Broken into pieces. I can't see any beauty at the moment. Really. My heart is cut. Maybe I'm blind too. I'm really good at messing things up in the end.

Maybe that's why studying helps. It keeps me away from the affective side of life. It keeps me in another world. In that world, I don't really have to feel or think that deeply. I just have to read, understand, write, and try to remember. It's systematic and orderly. No 2 ways about it. And I just have to keep going, topic after topic, page after page, chapter after chapter. It's nice to have routine stuff to do. Just keeps you occupied so that you forget about painful things.

And I was thinking today, how I wanna die. I mean, in all things, it's always good to have in mind how you want the end to turn out right? So yeah. I'm ruling out suicide, of course. But maybe I wanna volunteer to Afghanistan or something. In the army, there's routine. And in the heat and sweat, there really isn't room for emotions. Good for softies like me. And I get to die a noble death too, if it happens. I've always wanted to do lonely things, like, separate from the normal system of studies-work- get married-have children-etc etc-die. It's boring. really. I mean, I'd wanna get married, but I wanna do different things. And the things I have in mind, I don't think any girl would be interested anyway. sigh...

ok. I'm going on and on. should stop here. time to sleep.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
- Philippians 3:8

You know, as if you didn't know,
Only God says the first three words without EVER saying the fourth.
That's why He's the most beautiful thing.
But few people even bother respond to such sweetness.
They say its too good to be true.
And they complain about how their lives aren't that good.
It's fear that grips the hearts of man,
Stubborn refusal of what plainly is their heart's desire.
They won't don't believe.
The most loving and devoted person probably hurts the most.
C'mon guys, let's put a stop to this.
We need to respond to His loving-kindness
It's not about earning a ticket to heaven
But turning back to our First Love
And telling Him that we love Him too
And really mean it from the bottom of our hearts.
With our hearts and our deeds
Let's prove to the world
What miracles true love can really do!
In the name of Jesus we pray Love.

suddenly, the feeling's gone.
thinking about it feels kinda gross now.
do i still... ?
hmm
or maybe it's just today.

heh.

I hope God controls my desires, cause I can't really make sure I have the "right" feelings.

stayed over at Ian's last night, and had a good talk about... *stuff*. yeah...

basically, I gathered that I'm not in a season of relationships.
which I feel is true.
but I just needed to hear it from someone. with authority.
like, for a clear direction or something, not just my own intuition.

so yeah. I'm glad that at least there are some lines drawn, and I have a direction in this area (:
phewww...

//

oh yea, remember that assignment I was struggling with?
I scored 86% (an A+) (:
really helped to pull up my average, although the coming exam is the real deal...

anyways, here are some screen shots of my marked paper:

this is my favourite part of the essay: the conclusion (:
you might notice errors, such as "appears to be" instead of "appear to be" (line 3)

and "voices masses" instead of "voices of the masses" (line 6).
and like, I managed to get 86 despite such errors. heh.
God is funny.

and I simply love MLK.
He was a history maker in his generation.
I wanna be like that too in mine (:

and here's my tutor's comment:

(:
it's really amazing how such a fluent essay could be produced out of a state of tiredness, weariness, sadness and struggles, and the fact that I was rushing through.
it's God's grace. really.
I'm quite amazed myself when I read it again this time after it was marked.

oh, and TMA stands for "tutor marked assignments". it just means assignments.

//

eggzams.... ahhh... I hope that my tutor's right when she said that I could do "equally well or even better in the exams." I know it's a bit far-fetching, but I'm hoping to get a GPA score of 5.0 for a couple of modules so as to pull my overall average to above 4.5, which is a First Class Honours (: my current average GPA is 4.38. (of course, to qualify for an honours I also have to do a 4th year, which, at this moment, I'm not exactly comfortable with) still, it makes sense to wanna do well right? heh. I haven't been this academically "smart" since primary school. seriously. getting A's and 80+ percentage for my work was unheard of in sec school and JC (I'm exaggerating la. there were few - very few - cases in sec school where I scored A for this or that. but definitely not in JC).

but in the end, it's God's will. I totally didn't expect to do this well in uni in the first place. cos of my O's and A's, I never really felt like I was a academically-inclined person. but I feel that ever since I came to SIM, His message to me has been that I can do it. like, how the systems in sec school and JC didn't really cater to my strengths, and how, perhaps, uni will unveil these strengths (: it touches me to know that. really. although SIM isn't exactly a good school to begin with - people won't usually put "SIM" and "academic proficiency" in the same sentence... but still, it's uni after all, and doing well in it counts! at least, that's what God's been saying to me.

you can do it, Ivan! (:

//

hehe, Ronice, this is for you (:

yeah, I have this Singapore English module, which has no exams (: that's why I chose it
so, here's how I am assessed:
TMA 1 - 20%
TMA 2 - 30 %
End of Course Assessment (ECA) - 50%

both TMA 2 and the ECA are based on a sample voice recording which I'm supposed to record. then I'm supposed to introduce and describe it in TMA 2, and analyse in detail for the ECA. which means, 80% of this module depends on Ronice!!

and, I'm proud to say that my tutor liked her speech too (:
here's her comment on my TMA 2 (:

hehe so yeah, she likes Ronice, and her background and stuff, and she gave me marks for that :P
and the reason I'm still not getting down to studying for exams is because I'm still working on the tedious ECA, which is due this Friday. but of course, I intend to submit by tomorrow, cause I wanna start studying already!

so anyways, thanks Ron (:
tag me if you read this (:
and remember I owe you ice cream (:

//

I know this post sounds like I'm bragging about my good scores and stuff, but honestly, I'm not. I just wanna share my experience with those close to me. Especially if you're a secondary school student and your teachers and parents, and even the system, are telling you that you're not smart/hardworking enough... all these voices may seem discouraging and distracting right now, but in, say 5 years, these voices will be totally irrelevant. As you grow older, you'll find that people's judgment of you changes, and only God's affirmation of you stays the same throughout.

studies... they are important. but only God tells you who you are.
do not give that right to another.

everyone needs healing, and there are few who won't admit it.

only major difference is, there are those who receive it from God, and there are those who just talk (a lot) about it.

yes it's true (:
and I hope the time's approaching
when I can very vulnerably and rightly
say the words I've been saving all these years
words that I've determined to keep
for just one beauty in my lifetime
until,
with an esteem so silly
but a heart never less ready
finally combining heartfelt meanings
with an utterance that ring:

"May I have the honour?"

In His time. Ivan. In His time.

being involved in someone's proposal (Ian's) recently has kinda made me think more about my own marriage. I've always wanted to marry young, although, I really leave it to God's timing. if He says wait till i'm 30 plus, then so be it, although I personally hope He wouldn't say that lah...

yeaaahhh... but before I get married, i go to find a girlfriend first right? and to find a girlfriend, i've got to be really good friends with *her* first ya? whoever she may be (although my sixth sense tells me a lot of people in church are already speculating...) but yeah, i'm still looking ;)

sigh.... i don't hate being single tho. in fact, i'm loving it (: but its just that at my age, i kinda have to start thinking about relationships in realistic terms, unlike school days when it's just about having crushes and whether you get to talk to her, ask her out, or who you get to hold hands with (if any). the practicality of things like saving for a HDB flat or getting a stable job etc kicks in really hard these days... something i didn't really understand as a school kid, until NS and beyond...

so yeah, my personal hope is to get married around upper-mid 20s, and have a child by 30. I don't know if that's just me, or did God place such silly numbers in my head. either ways, its really bothering me nowadays, cause i'm already 23. but say if i'm supposedly going to marry when i'm like 30 plus, then what's the point of thinking about these things now, right? that's what's confusing me. but since the nature of things is such that i'm single, and i can't exactly go up to someone and ask her out officially... at least not now, like now now. (i really don't know about this. there may well be... someone. i don't know. depends. i'm confused heh) so i guess i should just remain thankful and live my singlehood life to the fullest until something happens...

i don't know. seems like i'm a bit irresponsible right? the guy should be the one proactively seeking. well, i am. just that there's no clear "go" at this moment i suppose. so yeah. argh! ...

God please help me. I need more than just some pretty photos. give me a clear focus in my life right now, cause i don't have a clue about the stuff that's rushing inside of meee!

another part of me tells me it's coming soon (: ohh wells, we'll see.
most importantly, this song shall be my guide:

All the way my Saviour leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Yes. Jesus doeth all things well. even if I'm gonna remain single forever.
I will abide.

I remember I used to swear a lot. Since primary 2.
At primary 4, I became a devil. seriously.
Cause the school bus bully went to secondary school
so I felt free from his clutches and so became the new "king"
scolding the maid, my siblings, as if I were simply breathing
I only held back when my parents came home
still, the poison I was spewing... I'll prolly own anyone I've ever known
but I'm not proud of it
though, I think its a phase everyone goes through
although, nonetheless, I think I started off a bit too young
but the good things was, by P6, I got tired of it
also cos YC had started, and I was really influenced to take God seriously
plus, even my non-Christian "bestest" friend thought I was overboard
so yeah, I had to stop.
clean record for 3 years
then, in sec 3,
one time I was utterly frustrated with my band junior(s)
"F!!!"
but since then till now, clean record (:
even in army
I remember one time in BMT, I really felt like complaining
like the rest of my section
cause it was totally frustrating, tiring, meaningless etc etc...
but somehow I held back my tongue.
God's grace.
May my tongue bring healing to a lost and dying generation.
if even I as a Christian don't uphold the truth, how much less hope have they got...

when I first watched this movie, I floated for 3 days (:
it was during NS
kinda weird how (really, really strong) feelings change, but well,
God has His plans
and He works in the desires of our hearts for His own glory (:

Having watched Ip Man 2 (twice), I have been thinking a lot about Chinese culture & history. Having been in a SAP (Special Assistance Programme) school for 10 years, a lot of Chinese culture and sense of identity has been inculcated in me.

(For those who don't know, SAP schools are the rather cheena top schools that the government has preserved after wiping out the last of the Chinese-ed schools in 1987. Even then, these schools teach all examinable subjects in English, except Mother Tongue, of course. However, there are a lot of programmes and periods within our curriculum that are conducted in Chinese. Moral Education was in Chinese from P1 till Sec 2. In Catholic High, we had calligraphy lessons in sec 1 and 国画 - Chinese painting - in sec 2. We even had Confucius ethics classes throughout lower sec...)

I know... it's really cheena right? Our school song is also in Chinese, heh.

But I loved it. I was trained to understand the importance of Chinese as a language. But beyond that, I was taught to be embrace the essence of Chinese culture and morality. It wasn't just a language or an art. It was identity. Like, in Church, where there's MGs and ACs all over, and it's like a matter of fact thing where people just do poorly for Chinese... No one really understands the depth of Chinese, feel proud of it, or appreciate it as much as I do... sigh... Even though I don't really use Chinese in everyday life, I made sure I did pass it during my 'O's and 'A's.

I really enjoy Chinese thought, or philosophy. A majority of it is biblical. Like, starkingly. Like, how there is continuity in history, or that there is an order of things that should be actively preserved by us stubborn humans... "Education" is not a means to know things or get a good job. It is about moral values, life lessons, identity, getting the bigger picture, and realising that we don't know that much after all. That's why our 课本 is all about stories. We learn best about life when we read about how good people past and present have lived theirs. It is in this context that we are (supposedly) taught the language.

I really love Chinese ideals. They're pure in essence, but practiced legalistically by our ancestors. That's why Confucianism has become such a rigid stupid thing. Its not supposed to be that way, if you even take a peek in the Classics. Taoism - it isn't even a religion in its original essence. Buddhism - its not even Chinese. At this point, I'd like to just briefly state that a lot of Chinese written sources match the Old Testament of the Bible. My ancestors, at one point while already identifying themselves as Chinese, knew God!

That's why I'm adamant to keep up with Chinese. I'm interested in the language, southern dialects such as Canto and Teochew (Mandarin is really but a dialect in northern China, made compulsory only because Beijing is the capital and the government officials speak it), history, culture etc. But ultimately, I'm still on the journey to figure out why God created me to be a Chinese - and one who is in Singapore at that.

I believe the reason is not simple. I believe it's the key to my destiny.
O wells, who knows, I may save China one day (:

This weekend was tiring, but awesome.
In encounter, in spiritual battles, in relationships, in duty.
God is awesome.
There is none like You.

For all that's happened on Saturday, thank You Lord.
It was amazing.
From the seat to the proposal.
I think I know what to do...
Soon (:

In the end, all of history will be summed up in 2 words: God wins.
- Joel Wong

Being emo is the most selfish thing, because all that really matters is how you feel.
- Ian Wong

2 amazing brothers I'll forever be grateful for. (:

Congratulations, Ian (: