if it's true, then I understand. it's okay.

//

Read Acts today. I wanna be like Paul, pursuing Jesus all the way unto death. But for the past few years, it seems like i've been chasing practical things, like a degree, future prospects, ideas, family etc. and somehow, I've left the passion I had as a teen. I remember being devoted to almost every single Church event, like 100%. Army killed that, of course, with the weekends gone. It's practical, it's needed, but it also changed my mindset a bit. True, that we can't always be present for Church events, but since then, the appeal of practicality in the way I view things and in the choices that I make seems pretty high. Perhaps it's about time I looked back at, say, 17, and learn from the Ivan then.

Pursuing God unto death. It's pain in life that brings me back to such fundamental joy. Like, suddenly everything seems meaningless, and what's left is the hope that I buried deep in my heart. I don't wanna lose it. Really. Even if it means that I'm going to die a horrible death, or if I'm not going to get married at all (ouch!), or if I'm going to have to leave all my friends and loved ones etc etc. I need to place God first.

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

these words are easy to sing, but takes a whole lot of self-denial to really mean.