I feel kinda separated. from things that i want. which is kinda good in a sense, cause it keeps me in reality. i can't really have everything that i want right... so believing that i'm kinda not suited for those things kinda keeps me humble a bit. which is good. i'm tired of being proud and having it all nice. although, the feeling's great, i've to admit. but with great gain comes also great fear of loss. so in the end, they cancel each other out. nothing is really "gain" at all. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that.

sigh... it's tough to have desires. How I wish I didn't have to like someone, or I didn't have to want things badly... isn't that so much better? there's just so much freedom in not having silly desires for silly things that can't be mine in the first place. I want that freedom back. I remember one of the best times, in J1. I didn't like anyone for a period. I was excited to serve in Church. I had a great time with my bros in Church. Had a group of really wacky guy friends too in school. And I was really into PlanetShakers and stuff, which really helped in my spiritual growth too. It was awesome. For a few months I knew I was just at the right place and at the right time. BUT all that changed in J2, starting from march hols. sigh... one thing happened after another, and now that I'm 23, it still seems that it's not gonna end. Desires are horrible.

At the end of the day, I'm still having to come to terms with that fact that only God fulfills our desires. Any other inclinations apart from Him won't really happen for us. That's the truth right in my face. Smashes my ego. Breaks my esteem. Perhaps there's where He wants me to be. Broken into pieces. I can't see any beauty at the moment. Really. My heart is cut. Maybe I'm blind too. I'm really good at messing things up in the end.

Maybe that's why studying helps. It keeps me away from the affective side of life. It keeps me in another world. In that world, I don't really have to feel or think that deeply. I just have to read, understand, write, and try to remember. It's systematic and orderly. No 2 ways about it. And I just have to keep going, topic after topic, page after page, chapter after chapter. It's nice to have routine stuff to do. Just keeps you occupied so that you forget about painful things.

And I was thinking today, how I wanna die. I mean, in all things, it's always good to have in mind how you want the end to turn out right? So yeah. I'm ruling out suicide, of course. But maybe I wanna volunteer to Afghanistan or something. In the army, there's routine. And in the heat and sweat, there really isn't room for emotions. Good for softies like me. And I get to die a noble death too, if it happens. I've always wanted to do lonely things, like, separate from the normal system of studies-work- get married-have children-etc etc-die. It's boring. really. I mean, I'd wanna get married, but I wanna do different things. And the things I have in mind, I don't think any girl would be interested anyway. sigh...

ok. I'm going on and on. should stop here. time to sleep.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
- Philippians 3:8