Waiting

It's been a crazy, crazy few months. I've learnt so many things, and I'm even such a different person. There are still struggles in life that I face, and I'm still learning to give it all to Him. But, just this week, I've been experiencing His lavishing affirmation about who I really am before Him, and what I can really do in life. Never mind if I feel like a loser or have my moments of low self-esteem. I know that He is always for me, and never against me. I may say this in a breath, but it really took great anguish to arrive at such conclusions. People have been telling me that I have low self-esteem, and I ought to think better of myself. After what happened, it's hard. But I agree, and I'll allow Him to speak over my life, and I'll hear it and receive it.

I've changed. My hopes are a blank - I don't even know what I wanna do, who I wanna marry, or even what kind of girl I like... But I guess it's a good place to be, cos then He can come in and fill in the blanks, perfectly. I had a great week before this, just taking up the guitar and singing loudly in the middle of the night. I don't normally do this at home. In fact, never done it. But I believe things are changing, and right down to my secret place and alone moments, I want to cry out to Him and be filled with His presence. Indeed, it is in our most lonesome moments that we struggle the most. At least that's true for me.

So yea, what have I changed? For one, I'm pretty much less rigid and more flexible. It's scary, cos, even morally, I seem to be okay with this or that. Like, when people tell me they smoke, or they have this or that relationship with someone that I may not approve of, I'm free to be open about it. Have to constantly check myself so that I don't become corrupt haha! But yes, I still have morals okay. I guess I'm just more forgiving and patient towards people, accepting that people do make blunders in life, even really unwise or immoral mistakes, and I'm learning to have compassion as my first and immediate response, as opposed to the judgemental one which I was brought up with. So yes, watch out for the new Ivan - more AWESOME than before!

Yes, I guess self-praise does help me cope with my esteem a bit. But nothing beats people telling you good stuff about you. So I shall not go too far praising myself, and wait for nice people who will say nice things to me. But, above all, I will listen out for my Father, who is constantly lavishing on me with His heavenly words of encouragement.

I have been shattered, but He restores, and He will surely make all things beautiful in His time. I'm waiting!

In His time, in His time
He makes all things beautiful
In His time
Lord please show me every day

As You're teaching me Your way
That You'll do just what You say
In Your time <3

Love You

'Tis a new season.

The winter has passed, and the spring time has come.

Learning to just be with Him, learning, growing, soaring, loving.

Many a times, my heart longs for a companion...

Little was I convicted that my heart was craving for the Fair One.

It's a lifelong dance.

Till I realize this, I probably will not understand Romance.

Neither will I qualify to be worthy of it.

Now, as I increase in my desperation, I'm falling deeply in love.

I have my needs met. I am satisfied.

Yet, I am not satisfied, because it opens the realm where there's just so much more to receive.

The love is endless. The lavishing is exceeding.

I received in part, and I'm praying for the fullness of it's fulfillment.

To be in place where I no longer pray "Thy will be done..."

But to ask and receive, so that my will be done.

Sounds anti-Biblical, but it isn't.

See how Abraham bargained, and how Moses insisted on his way.

Each time, God relented.

More and more I'm convinced that God wants us to be so close with Him at heart, so that He would do our will. He's eager to do as we say!

I wouldn't do anything a stranger tells me, but I do foresee gazing into my future wife's beautiful eyes, saying to her, "I'll do anything for you".

The difference is, I trust that my wife won't ask of me to do something against my will, such as to kill myself.

Gaining the trust of God - this is my romantic and divine journey this season.

I want Him to be so pleased with me.... so much so that He can't help but just pour out anything and everything that I ask!

Adds a new meaning to the phrase "I want to be like Jesus".

Jesus had that heavenly favour, and I want it to.

So I'm striving to please my Father, my First Love, my Fair One.

This is my prayer, it's my solemn vow

With all that I am, with all that I have

I will love You

You are for me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

//

This guy came up to me at the carpark and, after some small talk, finally took the courage to say something like this, "I'm a Christian, and I felt that God wanted me to tell you that He loves you."

Just as a girl needs roses or something more than just a "I love you", so was I desperate for something, some sign from heaven, not just head knowledge or theology.
Seems like I finally got my bouquet.
But I want more, perhaps, a kiss from heaven.

//

God loves me, and I believe that.
But I want it to feel real, not just words. I want to experience it fully, not just when a good song pops by or a good sermon comes along. I want His love everywhere, all the time.

Show me something real, Lord.

//

You have granted him his heart’s desire
and have not withheld the request of his lips.
- Ps 21:2

I got this verse, couple of days back.
My desires are ridiculous, my prayers are almost "illegal", or so it feels.
If God would really grant them it'll be WOW.
But I dare not hope for it as well, and sometimes I doubt, because, I mean, will God really answer ridiculous prayers? Will He change the heavens and the earth just for me? Like, who am I right?

So, I don't know. It's difficult to have faith in God giving us what we want, because we're so used to being told that wants are not needs, and wants are bad for you.
I wonder if God thinks so. So, you see my dilemma, and I hope you'll forgive me for having doubts. I know I'm supposed to be a matured Christian, and I'm even a leader, even overseeing a whole ministry sort of thing, and here am I having so little faith.
Faith enough only to just ask.
"Ask and you shall receive". Lord, did you really mean this when you said it? Does it really apply to my crazy prayers?

Whatever the case, I guess the first step is to simply rest in the truth, in what is obviously true. That is, He is for me, not against me.

So, as I pray and doubt, I'll stick to the truth: You are for me.
Whether You answer my prayers, or show me how dumb my prayers are, or in between, like teaching me to pray differently, I'll leave it to You. For now, I'll just try my best to believe that You are for me.

I know, that You are for me. Surely You will not abandon me in my weakness of faith.

Emotions, Movies, and Elections

The past half a year or so, since the start of this year, I have been rather melancholic. I've been needing a dose of optimism somehow, somewhere, from someone, sometimes. I used to journal a lot, but it kinda stopped cos each time I journal I'm actually arousing all those emotions. So I just started on a personal journey, watching hollywood chick flicks and teen movies, just to entertain and get a dose of optimism and happy endings (I can't stand sad endings, or, even worse, horror). Actually, American does provide a good dose of optimism, like, there are so many possibilities out there, you just have to go for it and fulfill your dreams. One movie that I like in particular is Hilary Duff's Raise Your Voice. Others like Princess Diaries, Princess Protection Program, Camp Rock etc are quite interesting too. I know these are girly movies, but I guess when I'm feeling emotionally down I don't really have the mood for macho 300 or LOTR right? There are times for these different types of movies lor...

Hilary Duff

She's soo pretty right??

Anyways, leading up to now, I'm feeling pretty much better, energised by the all-powerful American optimism, or American Dream. I believe hollywood isn't all that bad you know. I reflect on how like many moralist slam American culture as going down the drain, but when I watch these movies, I realise that a lot of them have quite good values. You know that in real life, some of these actors actually wear the purity ring? Perhaps this generation of American entertainers are different from the morally degrading Gen X and early Gen Y (those older than me, late 20s and early 30s).

Yup, that's about my journey to Hollywood. Just in case you're wondering my commitment to God hasn't faded. I still read my Bible every day, and He's still the foundation of my life. But on top of that, a dose of Hollywood is good for you! (You still have to be discerning when choosing movies la!)

And then, recently, there's the elections! After all those movies, which sort of climaxed with the all-time-favourite-fairy-tale Royal Wedding, it's finally election time in Singapore.

So I stopped eating my Hollywood supper and switched to Youtube's rally videos.

Actually, although happy endings are cool to watch, they seldom inspire your whole life. But elections are a totally different thing man...

To make this long story short I just wanna say that I'm very impressed and inspired by Worker's Party leader Low Thia Khiang. You know how opposition are usually discriminated by the PAP and the PAP usually make things difficult for them to do their stuff? This guy is one serious fighter who never gives up.



That's him. Imagine 20 years being a minority in Parliament, always having your suggestions brushed away by the not-so-al-mighty father, son, and holey Goh. (Father = MM Lee, Son = PM Lee) But he still presses on!

yah people always criticise him as rugged and uncle, but that's the meaning of reaching out to the people right? You know most of Singaporeans are actually heartlanders like this guy? If you think he has poor English and talks too low-class, you're probably a snob. And you're a minority Singaporean. He's actually Chinese-ed, went to the now defunct 南大 (Nanyang University). So his Chinese is more fluent. It's sad that the PAP has been trying all these years to marginalise people like that. I actually talked to this taxi uncle who was Chinese ed, and his mindset is that Chinese-ed people have no future in Singapore, except to be Chinese teacher, which students all hate. So yea, I appreciate the PAP overall, but this is one aspect of PAP that I'm against.

The people should be heard in Parliament, and this guy reflects who the true-blue Singaporeans actually are! In values, language, and attitude. And the speeches he give are powerful! I went to his rally thursday night, and the cheers... gosh it's exhilarating!

yeah you can hear the shouts! People from the heartlands really love this guy! who says you have to speak good English to lead the people?!

I was there when he gave this speech, and there were 30000 people. His rallies are actually the most popular and packed.

He's crazy. He's rugged. He inspires his voters. He inspired me. To be minority in Parliament, educated differently, speaking differently, but winning the hearts of a growing number of people each election, this guy is my hero. I appreciate the PAP, especially what the first generation of leaders have done for our country, and I like our current PM too. But I feel that there has to be a place for guys like him to speak up for those whom he represents in Parliament too.

So yeah. It's been a crazy journey the past half a year, from melancholy to optimism to inspiration. I thank God for this roller-coaster ride. I didn't really expect things to be this way, but I trust He has great plans for me.

Lord, surprise my heart this season I pray. And bless my country, however the elections turn out. Whatever the outcome, whoever enters our Parliament, whoever become our ministers, You are the true King.

So in the end, I only wanna sing: hosanna in the highest!

Royalty

It's a real-life fairy tale

Kiss of the century <3

Totally lost in their love despite the presence of a multitude... sweet!

I like it how Kate bows slightly when Prince William salutes

She's totally gorgeous

I was totally inspired by the royal wedding yesterday.

The idea of royalty seems to ever grip me so tightly...

It's like, you're entitled to such titles, majesty, glory, authority, adoration just because of who you are.

No one could take that away from you.

That's royalty.

I wish such royalty were real in my life.

I know we're God's royal children, and our royalty is real.

I need more faith to realise this reality in my life... that I am a Prince...

And hopefully one day, I'll have my own royal wedding (:

Faith

Faith.

It's a journey you walk without seeing where you're going.

It's believing that although my heart seems like a wasteland, God will come and build a kingdom upon it.

Surely He has a delightful inheritance for me.

I trust in You.

Pretty-encouraging things I've come across lately

Amen. He is faithful.

so pretty... (:

just feel like chewing them now!

cute (:

Emily Browning

I think she's really pretty (:

Indeed <3

Lead

After leaders' meeting on Saturday, I feel so inspired.

By my own sharing actually.

Prepared my slides until 6am.

When it was finally my turn to present, I felt so excited!

I was going to share about JYC, and what God is doing, and where we're heading etc.

By the end of my sharing, I felt a great, great peace falling on me.

I had a long day afterwards, with meeting till 10pm.

Super tired, given my severe lack of sleep.

But I smiled my way home.

I knew this is where I was supposed to be.

Soaring in leadership, helping emerging leaders, releasing them into the fullness of their giftings.

I felt so happy.

I am so happy now.

The enemy did try to take away my joy almost immediately, but he has not succeeded.

I will guard my heart and my joy.

This is my reward.

Thank You, Lord.

My boundaries have fallen on delightful places.

Empower me to lead like a Prince.

God Is Love

He loves me

I'm His son and prince

He yearns to lavish on me

It's been a journey - tedious but awesome

Everywhere I turn, I see His fingerprints

Like, I'm surprised at how quickly He restores me, and sets my heart free and guards it at the same time.

God has been good in my life - this I must declare.

I'm charged to continue walking in His ways

I'll cling on Him tightly, never letting go

Really, there's no where else that is good enough, safe enough.

You can't go wrong sticking through with God.

I need to let the world know this.

To those who need and choose to hear, may they be touched!

I'll never be the same

Forever I am changed (:

Growth

An experience of a lifetime.

I feel that in this season, I'm gonna grow more.

It was the right thing, and I'm glad I did it.

All that I went through last year led up to this point, and I did not lose the moment.

I read, I thought, I prayed, I waited, and I sought a lot of counsel and covering.

I lost a lot of sleep as well.

And God's grace covered.

The results - it's as best as it can be. Close to zero consequences, really.

Could've been much worse.

Thank You Lord (:

I am so challenged to pursue God's ways for my life that there's nothing else I desire now.

It's a good place to be.

It's been six years of dealing with heart issues, and I'm tired.

I sooo miss my J1 days when I was so carefree...

I'm glad it's over, and He's leading me on to something new.

I'm thinking missions.

DTS, Hong Kong. hehe

Always wanted to go there...

Maybe further studies, maybe work, maybe holiday...

But when KYN returned and she mentioned the HK base, it was like a lightbulb suddenly popping on top of my head!

"oh yeaaa" so I thought. Why didn't I think of that?

So yeah, maybe I'll do DTS next Jan.

Wait till I graduate at the end of this year first.

The whole incident led to a lot of breakthrough.

I feel freer talking to my parents now.

My Dad, he talked to me about his life.

He ACTUALLY talked to me about girls! haha!

I've always wanted a father who would teach me about these things... important life lessons you know.

Wish I had that since young.

But I'm in a fatherless generation. A lot of young people have it worse of.

I should be thankful, and I really am.

Breakthrough (:

In my personal life, I feel so much freer to be myself and live in the destiny He has called me to.

I feel freer to connect with people as well, especially those closer to my age.

I think I'm going crazy, but it's a good thing.

I feel so secure, and I know who I am.

And I believe I left an impact that day.

A life-changing impact, which I will continue to leave in the lives of every single person I meet.

Simply because I am a son of God.

It's not pride. It's faith.

I can't believe I'm so confident. Guess it's a first of many signs that Ivan is really becoming crazier.

And more stable and secure at the same time.

Weird, but it's happening. And I love it!!

God is good, and His intentions are always out to bless me with abundance and joy and freedom.

I just need to accept that it may not turn out the way I imagine it to be.

So now, I don't really care. Come what may.

God still loves me, and His lavishing sees no end.

And I'm only beginning to see it unveil.

It's so awesome. He's so awesome!

I'm so awesome :P muahahaha

`Faith

I am a Prince of the Most High God.

Recently, I've been going through a huge emotional turmoil.

A lot of things are not happening in my favour.

I know I need to learn, and I'm willing to learn.

But still, going through these things have an emotional cost.

Cried in the shower 2 nights ago.

It's been a long time since I cried like that, perhaps since army? Or since I was an intern in YC.

This time, as always, it's different.

Different people, different circumstances, different level of maturity.

God He reigns.

No matter the circumstance, He reigns and rules.

And the amazing thing is, I reign and rule with Him.

I have been called to be above worldly concerns and into His kingdom's matters.

May I be ever captured by His beauty and majesty.

Let not these things of the world corrupt and discourage me, but let me trample on them and reign over all that is my portion.

I will continue to believe that I am loved and empowered to love and build others up, calling their destiny out of them.

I want to have faith like the Centurion.

He says to a servant "go", and he goes, and to another "come", and he comes.

Jesus said He was impressed and pleased with this Roman officer's faith.

Now I know.

I say to worry "go", and it has to leave.

I say to peace "come", and it comes.

Believing that I have this authority is faith pleasing to God.

I am a Prince of the Most High God.

Therefore, I want to have faith that pleases Him.

Happy New Year! (:

Wonder why so many random people tagging me... how to get rid of those posts. hm...

Anyways, it's a new year. (:

2010 has been a tough ride for me, but hitting rock bottom means that things can only improve, right?

So, I'm facing 2011 with new hope and joy!

Really excited about this year, because it's my last year of uni!! It's not going to be easy, but I will trust in Him to carry me through as He did last year. And oh, for the module I failed in the earlier semester, I resat the exam and scored an A! Praise God! (:

I'm also excited because I'm going to play a bigger role in JYC from Feb onwards, as the leadership faces some changes. Really excited to lead, especially the new additions that are coming in, the young and energetic interns. May God grant me the wisdom to work well with Sharon and Matthew in guiding these younger leaders so as to lead the JYCers to soar like eagles!

Relationships wise, I'm praying and expecting an answer soon (:

However, whatever the case is, I will not be shaken by insecurity.

I've realised through 2010 how easily our hearts can lead us through intense worry and insecurity, such that we lose faith in God.

I've learnt my lesson, and my heart shall submit to Jesus Christ.

No matter what happens, whether boy likes girl but girl has feelings for someone else, or other complications that may arise, I will trust in Him.

God, bless this year ahead of me.

May this year be my year.

Amen.