JYC Camp was awesome.

And now, in a few moments, I'm leaving for Cambodia.

I'm physically tired after, camp, which happened just after a tiring exam period.

Still, I'm anticipating a powerful time in Cambodia.

Really am excited about what God is doing in my life.

I'm not gonna settle for anything less.

I'm chasing after Him, and am really having a blast doing just that.

Thank You God for loving me.

You changed my life greatly during camp.

And I know You'll continue to work in my life through this upcoming mission trip.

You're awesome.

God He reigns!

I stand at a threshold

Here I am, standing at a threshold.

My first paper's next week, and I'm trying to balance work and study (it's challenging that I have to work whilst preparing for my exams... the programs this semester really dragged cos of all the public holidays)

I'm not all that rushed for time - I'm keeping up with my studies

But I'm not that ultra-well prepared either.

Looking back this year, I can see God's hand.

It was pretty much a year full of emotional roller-coasters and hurts, feelings that I've never felt at this intensity before.

But I've learnt a lot of lessons.

And that brings me hope.

God has shown and is still showing me a pathway to Him in times of troubles.

I know that at the end of the day, only He never fails.

And I've learnt to accept that people, more often than not, let you down.

I know, there's a popular, everybody-knows saying that "no one's perfect".

But I guess I've experienced this fact about life to a much deeper level this year.

And God has trained me how to overcome troubles at such levels.

So, thank God for the growth (:

God also dealt with a lot of my insecurities that I foolishly and naively built up.

And I'm still learning how to wisely draw the line between trust and naivety.

Absolute trust with absolute wisdom - only God can teach me the way.

And I thank Him for the lessons this year.

I feel that I've lost much, in terms of relationships.

A lot of people whom I used to be close to didn't like me, at least for a period, or there was some distance relationally, or even geographically.

I know at some point it was my fault. I didn't know how to handle the situation, so I did what my limited knowledge guided me to do.

I tried my best, really.

And for the times I stood my ground, I do not regret - standards are standards.

I only regret not having had the wisdom to communicate them better.

But I can see that on most sides, things are getting better, some even better than before.

So I thank God for His mercy and His gift of reconciliation. Really means a lot.

And I have also gained much.

I really grew closer to my peers, who are awesome brothers in Christ. They really light the way for me at times and help me laugh in times of sadness. Thank you Lester, Daniel, Andy.

And all the sisters, here and there, whom I HTHT with, and ask advice from, I appreciate you all. You girls offer me a safe and warm place where I can channel all my emotions and feel understood. Such times really built me up and sustain me.

So I thank God for these gains.

He gives and He takes. May His Name ever be praised!

Also wanna mention Don Lowe, who really encouraged me during family camp.

He has been taking the time to mentor me since I was 15, and I just wanna honour him with this short paragraph. Don is a source of wisdom in my life. Thank You Lord for this obedient servant of Yours.

Back to now... I stand at a threshold.

I've been feeling really low because of my academic record this year. One failed exam, which I'm going to repeat next Monday, and horrible assignment results (47 was the lowest!). These make me lose confidence for this round of exams.

But, I'm glad He's speaking even as I'm feeling all this pessimism.

I am a Prince. I am called to rule and reign in all that He calls me to do.

Failure is but a process - it's not my destiny.

He works all things for my good because I really love Him.

I still do not know how my results will be, but He will come through for me.

Thank God for such reminders. Thank God for cell!

And... about the most anticipated issue... nothing's clear. I think I'm obvious enough, but I know I shouldn't push it. I made a conscious decision to wait till this year is over. I shall stick to it. I thank God it doesn't bother me anymore. It does bug from time to time, but it's only natural. It's a universal human longing. But God has set my heart according to the right priorities, miraculously, because I have been reading His word with a much more open heart lately. And He's showing me things - standards and options that I would never have thought of if it weren't for all the other things that happened this year. So, another thank You to God.

He's amazing. Really.

I stand at a threshold. Behold, new things are about to come.

I really appreciate it that you've read till this far. Bless you to find God in your daily walk too.

You will surely be blessed!

A wave of fire hit us like a mighty wind and shook our hearts to the core.

The fear of the Lord.

That's what all of us needed to hear.

We've been slack.

We've compromised.

We've succumbed to their culture.

And God was desperate to rescue us and our service.

The word of the Lord came and shook us.

But, in reality, it set us free.

It released us to overcome.

He gave us what we really needed.

He is the Saviour.

Even when He shows up in ways that may seem uncomfortable.

He is awesome in glory and power.

Surely we ought to tremble when He shows up.

Yes. He loves us. That's why He showed up.

Thank You Lord.

Just finished watching a Chinese series called 《康熙王朝》.
It's a historical show about a certain Emperor Kangxi.
Beats watching gossip girls or glee, which i just don't have the patience to complete.
Sorry if you're a fan of either of these shows, or other gossip-y/scandal-y/romantic etc etc shows.
I have a bigger passion for history. It's just me lor...

So yeah, back to Mr. Kangxi.
- He was a boy of 8 years when he was inaugurated.
- Took full control of 朝廷 matters when he was 14.
- Killed Ao Bai, the most powerful and evil of 4 "prime ministers" who were supposed to guide him as he was a child emperor.
- Defeated Wu Sangui, who, 1. betrayed Ming dynasty to let the Manchus rule China 2. was granted a title of "king" of Yunnan province by the Manchu Emperor, Kangxi's dad (in China back then, a "king" is lower in rank to the Emperor) 3. rebelled against Kangxi and for a moment controlled half of China
- Conquered Taiwan and made it a part of China (the politics of China and Taiwan back then very much reflects that of today)
- Conquered Mongolia
- Defeated Russia and signed a treaty in China's favour (it's sad that more than 100 years later China would begin to sign a series of unequal treaties which overturns this victorious treaty that Kangxi signed)
- Allowed Christian missionaries to be his trusted officials and scientists, and to preach openly in China (again, it is sad that decades later, the Pope forbids the missionaries to kowtow to the Emperor, so Kangxi expelled them from China and stopped all missionary activities)
- In all, he ruled for 61 years, the longest ruling Emperor in China's history.

As I watched, from the beginning of his reign as a child, I was amazed at how destiny could call someone at so young an age, for a purpose so grand as to rule the largest and most powerful empire at that time. And equally mind-boggling is the amount of personal sacrifices he had to make for his country to be peaceful and prosperous. The most painful part being, he married his favourite princess to the Mongol Khan under the Khan's request so as to stall for time as he spent his military resources on Taiwan. He could not afford to offend this Khan because it may threaten the peace in the country. He later kills this Khan when conquering Mongolia, leaving his precious daughter widowed. Between a father and an emperor, he had to choose the grander purpose over his fatherly one. The whole theme of the show is that to be a great emperor, you must suffer agony. Indeed, his daughter Lan Qi-er never forgave him. In the show, that is. She returned to the Mongolian fields and took care of her son, who was the new Khan since Kangxi killed his dad. So complicated right?

Sighhh it's a sad show if you're looking out for emotions. But I feel it illustrates calling and purpose rather well. In today's world, many would give up the larger purpose for "love" and romance, which are pretty much the values of the day. How often we hear things like "as long as we love one another" or "love (romance, that is) is the most important thing" etc. We don't really have an idea of sacrificing ourselves for the bigger picture and purpose, let alone our relationships, personal dreams, desires etc.

I know relationships are important. But Jesus said that we are to "hate" our mothers, brothers, sisters etc if we want to follow Him. "Hate" here means "to love less". So, that means, in our pursuit of Jesus and the calling He has for each of our lives, there will be times when we have to surrender or even abandon relationships that matter most to us. I myself don't really know if I'm up to it.

So yea, just a penny of thought. At the end of the day, God is not out to cut us or make us suffer. In all our deep sufferings, He is actually giving us something better. Not everything Kangxi did was right, of course. I cannot imagine giving my favourite daughter to my enemy, although the fact that it may bring world peace would seriously hammer hard on my integrity and force me to do so. After all, God gave His [favourite] Son in order to make peace with us. So, how much are we willing to give?

Okays... I'm super tired right now, but I have got to post this! I did a personality test on both Twitter and Facebook, and both said that I was a "Mentor". The following is the account of the Facebook results:

"ENFJs are externally focused, introspective, altruistic, positive and have excellent people skills. They place utmost importance on helping others grow. They are warm and have a natural desire to be supportive and encouraging. Being charismatic and possessing excellent language skills, they do well in leadership roles. ENFJs strive to enhance the lives of their human brethren."

heh! I personally think it's quite spot-on. Would you agree? (:
Here are more of what some people would say about Mentor-type personality (ENFJs - I seriously don't know what it stands for!)

"ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship."

"Success for an ENFJ comes through involvement in the process of making things happen for people; through the accomplishments and satisfactions of those they have helped to enrich the human world with greater value, and through finding that their efforts on behalf of others have fulfilled their own life as well."

"ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this."

"ENFJs focused on the organization's ideals and operate within those ideals. They focus on how organizations should treat people and communicate these values to others. They enjoy leading and facilitating teams, and like to bring matters to mutually beneficial conclusions. ENFJs prefer a work setting that contains individuals focused on changing things for the betterment of others."

"Rated by psychologists among 2 types least likely to have trouble in school. "
[LOLs, in other words, means I'm guai! :P]

Is this who I am? It's kinda interesting to find out more about oneself! You should try it.

Last week was awesome! (:

And JYC Anniversary... prep was tiring, but we got the atmosphere on the day! Yayy!!
At least our efforts didn't go to waste.

And I just read your blog.
It changed my life, the way I view things.
You are godly.

Wedding Bells Again!! (:

Just some pictures of the wedding dinner worth noting (the more glam ones of myself ha!). Can catch the rest at facebook (:

young and pretty bridesmaid (:

haha!! And it's my first time snapping with Ron!!
can't believe it's our first few official pictures!!
where have you been for the past 2 years Ron??


so yeahh wedding's are fun (:
Somehow, at least for me, preparing my dressing for each wedding is like preparing for prom heh
Got to match the right colours, do the right hair etc.
But as more weddings come along I probably won't be so conscious anymore, I guess..

Congratulations to Jia Hao and Ruth!
You both have been a blessing to me (:
May you both be a light that shines as an example of Godly love and devotion.
May you also have many kids for my future kids to play and grow up with (:
Who knows, they might pair up hahaha too early to say tho...

God is good. Somehow, seeing them get married doesn't make me envious anymore. I just feel happy for them (:

I've changed. And it's a good thing.

Lie:
I can't get out of this.

Truth:
In the darkness God's light shines. (:

True Love Awaits

I've tried.
I've been insecure.
I've tried my best to convince myself that our values don't match.
I've looked at other options, with the intent that somehow I may be drawn somewhere away...

But somehow the feelings creep back, and I can't move on.

Sometimes, true love may seem like the above.
It occupies my mind so much, I seldom have time to realise the truth...
But how can I forget that at every moment, my Lover awaits?

The world is deceptive.
And emotions don't tell the truth.
The world says follow your heart.
God's Word says the heart is deceitful above all things.

O God, You are right in all Your ways.
Lead my heart, Lord.
I love Your approval more than I love anything, or anyone, else.
May this be my bold, wholehearted, life song:

Amen
(:

Judging from my feelings, I think I'm done.
I'm successfully moving on.
Talked to a few close people, and I feel their support and agreement.
Although, I must say some things still catch my eye.
But at all other times, it's not a concern, really.
Whatever the case, thank You, God.
You have good plans for me.

//

I miss April. Badly.
Kinda lost, cos now there's no one to really call out.
Also because of timing, it's really hard to catch her... D:

[12:18:51 AM] Ivan Lau: :)
[12:28:39 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: sorry! i have to go now
[12:28:55 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:28:59 AM] Ivan Lau: will you be back?
[12:29:14 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: nope, maybe tmr
[12:29:18 AM] Ivan Lau: okays
[12:29:22 AM] Ivan Lau: bye! (:
[12:29:29 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!:))
[12:29:32 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: miss you
[12:29:35 AM] Ivan Lau: miss you too!
[12:30:47 AM] April Ng Wai Lam: byebye!
[12:30:54 AM] Ivan Lau: byeeee!! ):

Yeahh... but it's okay. The person may be far, but the friendship is good and strong.
Thank you April. You've been a wonderful friend here in Singapore.
And you're still as wonderful wherever you are.
Looking forward to seeing you soon!!
Tagg when you read this! (:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

- 2 Cor 4:7-9

Thank You Lord. This verse is really timely.
I'm blessed beyond the cursed for Your promise will endure.
Yes Lord. Yes yes Lord.
Amen (:

How would you feel if that girl was your mum, and the guy isn't your father?

I remember Pastor James talking about making life decisions.
At one point, he said that many godly men choose girls who can be good wives, but do we look out to see if they can be good mothers too?

I'm looking out for a good mother-to-be.
I'm not shutting the door, but I pretty much know what I want and do not want.
It's painful, but I'm moving on.

Just wanna cry out in desperation now.

Faithful One, so unchanging.
Ageless One, You're my Rock of peace.
Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You. Again and again.
I call out to You. Again and again.

You are my Rock in times of trouble.
You lift me up when I fall down.
All through the storm Your love is the anchor.
My hope is in You alone.

Help me God.
This heartache is hard to bear.
All the things going on in my heart and mind.
I'm calling out to You.
Will You answer? Will it be good news?
I need solace.
Lift me up, O Lord. Anchor me in Your love.
For You alone are faithful.

Amen. (:

One day, I'll pick up the courage to tell you this face to face.

Somehow, I'm always so eager to know how you are.
I dunno about you, but it totally makes my day when we get to talk (:
Really appreciate moments like tonight.

//

It's not really wrong, I guess
You're doing something you're passionate about, and not deliberately crossing boundaries.
And I don't really have a say in it either, cos it's your personal standards.
Just that, for me, I have always thought that such "stuff" would be saved for a *special* someone/moment.
At least, that is what it looks like in my dreams, which has been painfully trashed...

饮水思源

This is a pretty cool Cantonese rap composed by a guy who is opposed to Guangzhou's authorities, who are planning to replace Cantonese TV channels with Mandarin ones. I support him.

Cantonese is a precious language.
It is 2000 years old, while Mandarin is only 800.

China's heritage is preserved in the South, so scholars say, because most wars in ancient China happened in the North, and people in the North moved their homes pretty often. Pretty much explains why most of the North speak a dialect similar to Mandarin - they intermingle through generations of travelling to and fro.

Cantonese, on the other hand, is spoken by the Chinese pretty much settled in the South. While it is not the only Southern Chinese "dialect" (actually, it's more of a language of its own, cause it's totally different from Mandarin and Mandarin-related dialects), it preserves the heritage of our forefathers from ages past (2000 years!).

And for me, it's my identity too.

But now, the language is sidelined. No, it's not Singapore. It's the Motherland.
They've succeeded in wiping it out in my generation here in Singapore.
But if it happens also in land which is the Source of the language, who will be left to uphold the tradition? Hong Kong?
Yes, we have to modernise and move on.
But I can't compromise my roots.

饮水思源.
That's what my teachers and parents taught me.
And it's a virtue I intend to keep.
I know that English is virtually my First Language now.
But I will keep on improving on my Cantonese.
Not just for the sake of my roots, but also for the many people I cherish - aunties, uncles, 婆婆s, Pastors etc. Even some migrant youngsters (or children of migrants) and friends (:
God gave me my heritage. He put these people around me.
So I'm pretty sure learning the language of my forefathers keeps me in step with my purpose.

I will learn Cantonese. Well. (:

And oh, by the way, "饮水" is Cantonese vocabulary (pronounced yum soei). Mandarin speakers say "喝水". See what I mean? Only the authentic stuff make it to the list of 成语s.

I hope the Chinese government doesn't do something so foolish as to diminish Cantonese. And I hope that they won't succeed, because the Bible says God desires that people worship Him, from every tribe and tongue. God values diversity. Praising Him in diverse languages brings Him glory. May He grant the CCP wisdom not to do this silly thing. Amen.

If you're reading this: Learn your dialect guys!!

Happy Birthday SUMSUM!! :D

Happy 14th birthday Ron!! :D

sighhh I realised when I was trying to find a photo to put up that I haven't had a proper picture taken with you before!! ): must take one soon okayyy??

Anyways, just wanna dedicate this post to you (:
You've been an awesome little sister and friend! Thanks for helping me with my project last semester. I got an A!! hehe (: Really enjoy the process of seeing you mature these years, and somehow, I'm beginning to realise that you're actually quite mature! Like, it's quite fun and meaningful talking to you. Like adults would normally say, 你长大了. now I feel so old... heh!

I sense that you have a special calling for your own generation, both in church and outside. You're called to lead with a servant's attitude, which you seem to be already doing. And you've got patience and a huge dose of discipline - something young people these days seriously lack!

Personally, you've been a blessing to my heart. I feel supported when you're around, and you personality is just soo... encouraging (: like Miss Sunshine!

So, happy 14th birthday, and may you grow in wisdom, servant-leadership, patience, and beauty all the more in the coming year!

See you next time @ some ice cream shop. And please bring a camera along! (:

Love,
Kor Ivan

... I just can't stand it :'(

Hope you understand this deeply...
Wishing you the highest good that can happen (:

... or if one of you goes... well, I shouldn't say where (:
Just trust God.

I'm super convicted by the 40 day fast booklet.

From today's passage:

Amid betrayals and fallouts, love never fluctuates. Love never alternates. Love never ends.

Is your love tough? Does it remain constant through the ups and downs, bumps and bruises of human relationships? Or does it fluctuate and diminish as family and friends change for the worse and disappoint you in a thousand ways? Ask God to replace your fragile, fitful love with His unflinching agape love.

Yes Lord. Replace my weak heart with a loving one that has the capacity to endure all things and yet remain loving. Also grant me the power to express such great love through my speech and actions. Amen.

The dress you wore made you look really pretty today (:

I like your fashion sense.
You're so good at it.

The rewards of present hurts lie in the abundance of future glory.
I believe that hurts won't go to waste.
I believe You're crafting something beautiful out of every piercing experience.
I place my trust in You, O God.
Please come through for me.
I can't hold out long.
Come Lord.

You're important. Really.
Talk soon (:

Hey,
I could hear you crying, though I'm living so far away.
Maybe it's because I've heard it many times before...
Just wish I could be your neighbour
So that in moments of distress, I can sit beside you
At the steps, or at the bench, or the poolside
To assure you that it will be okay
And at least for that moment you can feel safe
To offer shelter and comfort
Like an adult would to a child

But there is One greater than I.
He heard your cry, and understands your pain to the core.
He has been hearing you cry since your first baby squirm.
He was right beside you, were you aware?
He isn't just your neighbour. He lives in you.
In moments of distress, He holds your hands. Can you feel it?
At your desk, on your bed...
To assure you that it will be okay.
And you can feel safe, every single moment.
He offers shelter and comfort
Like a Daddy would to His child

God bless your dear heart

I'm setting my heart right.
I forgive you.
I will not mention the past.
All things start anew from this point.
No wonder it feels like it's so hard to talk; it's like getting to know you all over again.
But I'll give all that I've got.
I'll try my best.
I'll brace the awkwardness, I'll bear the responsibility.
Cause you're worth it. Surely you must know it.
This is not just an emotion.
It's the right thing to do.
I know it takes time, but I wanna make my goal obvious from the start.
At this point, I hope you don't find me irritating. But if you do...
Don't worry, I won't blame you. Just know that I'm still working at it ya?
Because you are a good friend, and I treasure our relationship.
You matter. A LOT!! (:

HTHT-ed with Sam Pokamaniaz last night (:
It was awesomez!!
Been wanting to talk to her for some time already, but didn't really go for it cuz of some semi-obvious reasons...
Anyways, I had a greeaaaat time (:

Honouring others before self-consideration.
That's my core value.
I wanna stick to it against all emotions.
But I don't wanna be legalistic either.
Lord, help me do it in a child-of-God's way.
I rest assured in Your soverignty above all else.
You love me, and You set me up to prosper.
In You I trust.
Amen.

Princess

She's so hot!!

gosh, I wonder what is it like to marry a princess! it's said that her husband would become a duke of somewhere in her country! hehe I'll become royalty too...

But that's besides the point. Emotions aside, I really wanna marry a REAL Princess, that is, a Princess whose line of royalty comes from the ultimate King Himself. Perhaps, then, I'll get to inherit treasures bountiful!! Surely the Lord will bestow favour on me?

I wanna marry a princess!!

Congratulations B&Q!!!

awesomeness! it's in the genes ;)

Aunty Connie and Lin Jie
Got to know both of them more while I was a YC intern
They both are really nice to me (:

Yin Jie looking smart eh... guess who picked his outfit?

crashing their table...

haha! I love this (:

bros

hehe 2 very lovely girls (:


beabea! she's so pretty! (:
it's amazing to see how she's matured over the years...


Joanne looking gorgeous, well dressed and made up... as usual

It's a season of marriage. One down, 4 more to go! Sighhh... makes me wonder when's mine. But I shan't bother myself with too much worry. God has His own perfect time (:

I am convinced that God loves me. heh, what a thing to say at this age huh, but it's so true! God has many treasures up His sleeves, if only we're patient and diligent to wait and seek! So I believe He has a special treasure in store for me :D and I'm patiently waiting!!

Back to B&Q's Big Day, it's sweet to see how God brings together a godly couple. Their love story isn't limited to themselves. It's is poured out and shared with the whole community, such that everyone has a part to play in their romance. I want my love story to be like that too. I don't want to be reclusive with my Loved One. Rather, I want my personal romance to be celebrated by all my Loved Ones. Thank God for such an awesome example in Ben and Queenie.

I sincerely offer my congratulations and blessings to Ben and Queenie. May you both prosper in your marriage and impact the nations and future generations because of your Christ-like love for each other. Let your light shine so that all may see the glory of the Lord! These are my heartfelt wishes for you both.

In honour of the newly weds, love, and holiness...
Cheers!

I suddenly had a revelation while looking through some photos.
My duty is to watch over you as you bloom.
To see you grow, mature, be secure in Him and impact the generations.
To watch you reach your destiny is what makes me content.
I don't have to have you. Or get to talk to you, or be noticed by you.
It's not about what I can get.
It's about having the privilege of seeing God unfold the treasure in you.
It's a privilege to have you in my life and even be friends.
I bless you with joy and peace in whatever you do.
I'm cheering you on.
As a brother and friend.
(:

The worst news a man can hear

This is shocking for any man to hear.
I wonder if girls are like that really.
Christian girls?
I've felt betrayed before, and it really hurt.
What more this husband?
There's just so many questions running through my head.
Why didn't the girl control herself, or her emotions there and then?
Why did she allow herself to be willful?
Could these things have been prevented?
Were there signs that these things were to happen even before they did?
I'm guessing the lady probably didn't think she'd do these things herself.
Everything was probably sweet and well on their wedding day.
She probably would have been kind of "innocently willful", but not considered as a threat.
But... sigh... this show breaks my heart.
This world needs to know faithfulness and openness.

Imagine if she had processed everything honestly with her husband from the start.
Imagine if she made it a point to be accountable to him, like by telling him where she is every now and then, especially when she's in unusual circumstances.
And allow him to ask personal questions.
It would have been much harder for her to be unfaithful.

Accountability is important.
Not just in marriage, but in life.
God is faithful, and I hope His faithfulness spreads like wildfire in our time.
This world needs it.
Even Christians need it.
I need it.

Your Word is a light unto my path
Your love guides me through my darkest night

And even though sometimes Your ways I cannot understand
I'll never walk away because my future's in Your hands

I don't care what people will say
I'm running after You
I won't turn back and go their way
I'm running after You

Don't matter what may come my way
I'm running after You
It's You I'm following today
I'm running after You

I! WILL! RUN! TO YOU!

Yes Lord. I don't care what may come my way.
Give me strength to run after You.

I got an F for one of my 3 papers last sem.
Super shocked.
I actually felt confident for the paper.
Didn't know how I could've failed.
I did pretty well for my assignments.
And I didn't think I was super out of touch with the topics during the exam.
I dunno. Maybe I really did mess it up.
I'm gonna apply for a review.
Gonna cost some $53+++
I hope they'll change their minds.
God, what are You saying to me?
:'(

I'm starting work tomorrow.
I'm taking over from someone. Gonna be haphazard, I presume.
But God, I know You have Your reasons.
So bless this term.
Bless my heart.
Give me faith to trust in You, and be a blessing to all whom I encounter.
And please hold JYC close in Your embrace.
I know You love her. You alone will be her protector and her shield.
I pray she'll soar.
Thank You, Lord.
You are good. Your faithfulness reaches to the heavens.

New Season! (:

HTHT-ed with Gracia and Anna yesterday. Was great. Seeing lives transformed. Seeing battles won, or still raging but with victory in sight. I really thank God for the free time this season for me to meet up with so many people.

//

Gonna start work next week. New school, new programmes, and I'm taking over halfway from a colleague, so it's gonna be a bit haphazard. But I've gone through enough to know that God will take me through anyway. So yea. I trust You Jesus!!!! :) :) :) I will be a light that shines Your name!

//

I feel that the tide is changing. A new season is coming! I'm so eggcited!! ohmygosh... ImsoexcitedImsoexcitedImsoexcited!!! Okay Ivan, stop it. Yes. Poised.

But yea, I'm really looking forward to the new season. It's been a rough ride, but I'm thankful that everyone's still hanging on to Christ. Wanna see a different kind of power coming through JYC in the remaining half of the year. Excited about the coming P6s also, after hearing what Anna has said (: It's gonna be cool! Looking forward to camp already :P

I've got a Saviour and He's living in me, WHOAA!
I wanna know, I wanna know You today!
You're the best thing that has happened to me
And the world will never take...
The world will never take You away!!!

Jesus is the Bestest! (:

Little Girl

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

- 1 John 3:1

Don't be sad. Lift up your eyes.
Rise up once again to show the world what real beauty looks like.
Broken wings can be repaired. Roses will bloom again.
Tears will be wiped away as you don't have time for the past.
Eyes on heaven! See the angels celebrate!
For the souls you bless will be many.
A precious treasure you are. The King parades you as a sacred prize.
How tender is His love for you, O child!
His lavishing knows no limits.

2 things I learnt from wise Joel Wong today:
1. Emotions lie.
2. It's all about perspective.

I've heard these things before, but somehow, I feel that the younger generation are so deprived of such golden wisdom. Which is why my entire being was kicking when Joel was speaking during camp guys' session.

An example:
When I do badly for my first semester in sec 3, as the score is placed right before me, I can feel like it's the worst thing that can happen. At this point in time. However, given that I'm now preparing for my A's, and looking back, does that test still remain relevant? No. When we look at things that are immediately before us with a here-and-now perspective, we are like using a microscope, making something so small seem so big before us. This is when our emotions hit us. But when we look at every single thing in the light of our entire life, and our entire existence, and eternity, the immediate circumstances immediately seem so small and irrelevant. That's why perspective matters. And if the eternal perspective is the truth, then the here-and-now perspective is a lie. That's why emotions lie.

Don't you just love it when Joel speaks? I grew up in cell hearing him speak week after week after week. I think the younger ones should have some similar opportunities. heh.

Finally managed to buy Ronz ice cream today for helping me with my assignment (:

It was a good time of talking, sharing, htht-ing etc. But more importantly, I know God is saying something. He's speaking a message of hope. Through her, I see hope. God has not forgotten JYC, but He has allowed us to go through a valley and in the process show us that His light is still upon us. And there I was, having ice cream with someone who could easily have gotten angry or sunk in disappointment and sadness, but had instead chosen to fight her battle well, notwithstanding the tears along the way.

I believe God is going to do something special in this camp. It'll require us to discipline our hearts, but I know He has prepared them and with His Spirit, it is possible. Like family camp, He's gonna sweep down like a mighty river, making our old selves seem so silly in plain sight, while giving us a new self, a new name, a new identity. He's gonna make new things, new persons, new desires. And it's all to His glory, which will be awesome (:

Thanks RonzBonz (: you fought well in this season! You have my admiration *winks* :D
And oh, you should learn to say "thank you" when receiving compliments ;P

Sometimes we learn to say the 'correct' things in church, and then we go and blog about how we really feel.

But I choose to declare the truth when I'm around church people, and when I go to my secret corner I tell my feelings to obey the truth.

I should talk more with people who understand emotions and are good at mastering over humans' deceptive hearts.

Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.
- Genesis 4:7

Yes. I will be a master over deception.

O God. Only You can move the hearts of Man.
And I will not try to do Your job.

I'm fighting to be secure.
It's a battle I have to fight. For myself and those whom I love.
The destiny of JYC hinges on every single choice we make.
Good choices. Let's make them.

And let God come into the picture.
Make it about Him.
Let every opportunity and entry count for Jesus.

Family Camp changed my life.

I am a new creation.
I am a miracle worker.
My purpose is to bring the lost to the arms of the Father.
I will not be satisfied until my purpose is fulfilled.
I'm putting many things away.
I'm pursuing God to a greater extent in this season.
I will not abide by feelings, but I will subdue them, as is my right as His son.
I am ever lavished and adored upon as His bride.
This is my identity.

This is our God.

I'll remind myself of all that You've done.

When I'm angry, I'll remember that I have sinned against You, yet You forgave.
When I'm disappointed, I'll remember the times You blessed me.
When I'm heartbroken, I'll remember that You still love me.

I'm Yours. Forever Yours.

"Girls are better at handling uncertainty. They enjoy the process."
- Pastor Lilian

That's what she said when I asked her about a week ago why do guys seem to be at such a frustrated state when they like a girl, but a girl seems to be so cool even when liking a guy.

Though, I know girls who DEFINITELY are not like what Pastor described, but good Christian girls generally are like that (:

***

There is a place for hurts and disappointments.

But these shall not be my master. I will overcome.

I Will Rejoice

It's kinda cute that my day could be summarised orderly in 4 separate events, 3 of which were interesting meetings with people (: The following is gonna be an essay, so brace yourself if you're set on reading it.

1. Lunch with Anna
Talked about loads of things in those 3 hours. Exchanged lots of stories, LOTS! hehe (: It's really encouraging to find someone fighting strong in the spirit.Young as she is, she's going on passionate and adamant about making clear and good choices. The hurts are still there, and I can totally relate to some of those, and they're only making her wiser and purer in heart. Ian was telling me over supper 2 nights ago that you can tell when people make good choices cause their life shows it all (and, surely, vice versa). And I think, Anna, I'm really encouraged to find that you've been doing just that! I'm so proud of you! Press on yea? (:

2. IPPT
The following sums it all...
Sit-up: 40
Broad jump: 234cm
chin up: 8
Shuttle run: 10.2s
2.4: 11:39

Injured my knee after the whole thing. 2.4 was crazy I tell you... The moment I started running I was already half-exhausted cause of the static stations. When I trained on my own, I only did chin ups before I ran 3km or so. But I also did sit ups (which totally killed my stamina) and shuttle run. Felt like puking from the 5th round on. My pace was much slower that when I ran 3km! !!!! But for some reason, I finished on 11:39, just making it silver! And my 8th chin up was, I think, given by the PTI. Maybe he thought I really did have my chin above the bar when the machine didn't read.

I was kinda emotional about it, cause somehow it was in line with what God's been doing in my life this season. I'm struggling, like mad, but He will make sure I'll go through and finish well.

3. Church ppl @ Taka
After IPPT, went to meet some church peeps at takashimaya. There were Simon, Anton, Maryann, Tany, Sharon, Kelsie and Berakah. Was just encouraged to just join them for a while and just be amongst church people. In desperate times, simple gatherings like this reminds me of hope and love.

4. Dinner/Supper with brudder Fai
Final destination - Old Airport Road. Had a good long talk with him. Really privileged to have a caring and open brother with whom I can just talk to about life.


Summary
It seems clear that everything that happened today were a message of love and hope from the Lover. It can't be clearer that He's out to love me and set my eyes on things that are about hope. For too long the enemy has stolen my hopeful vision and has made me focus on darkness instead, which led me to experience a whole train of disappoints and hurts during this season. But, I know that a time is coming soon when I can surely say that God is my hope, and at every turn I will envision and declare His majesty, even in the uttermost depths of valleys.

On my way home, He brought me back some years ago when I said that I wanted to be like the Apostle Paul. And I've been receiving revelation about Paul, who had to deal with churches that were deeply rooted in sin. Surely he must have been hurt. He wrote scores of letters to those churches - in Corinth, Ephesus, Rome etc - to warn and point to the right things. He could have felt hopeless. I mean, people were having sexual relations with one another within the church! But he did not. Rather, he declared that his life was a drink offering poured out to serve God's people, and he still keeps his joy! Yes, I should bear a similar attitude, especially in this season. JYC will recover and shine.

300 years after Paul's death, his heartfelt letters were recovered to form a large part of the New Testament, which became the basis of Christian theology. Not only did his labour and suffering not go wasted, they impacted generations of Christians, and will very likely continue to impact God's people until His coming. God honours our sacrifices for Him (:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life — in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.

- Philippians 2:14-17

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

- 2 Tim 4:6-7

Yes. I will rejoice in the fiercest of fights!

For the past week or so, I couldn't help but refer to You.
In my journal, blog, thoughts and affection.
Many things fill my mind.
Important and unimportant.
Dear and distant.
Present and future.

And they all point to You.
There's been nothing I could reserve for someone else.

It's all about You, Jesus
Not people
Not the pain
Not memories
Not even her
None but Jesus

If my heart is overwhelmed, and I cannot hear Your voice
I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe

I'll remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I'll sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope, and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace, rest upon me
Staying desperate for you God, staying humbled at your feet
I will lift these hands and praise, I will believe

In my moment of despair, O Lord, You reach out and love me.

//


shucks! said the wrong stuffffff!!!!!!!!

so awkward...

but really thank wardz and jas sia for being so ready to give advices and listen to our (my) never ending queries and questions. it was great pouring out my heart's puzzles and allowing words of wisdom and experience speaking into my heart. it's really precious. although i kinda messed up about the *comment*, i felt really good after the time at macs (:

Leaders' meeting was awesome (: really excited what's gonna happen this June, and the years to come.

Ian was saying and describing how some leaders who have been fighting hard in their ministries, especially those ministries which have been hit hard. These leaders have carried a certain weight, and it's difficult to be "happy" when we gather in a group like that. No, it's not like we're all sulking our way to meeting. There's jokes, laughter, really hard laughter cause of Anton's games (he sure has a gift of cracking people up hehe :D). Yeah, but when you look around, you can see battle-scarred faces. We reckon it's a tough season. That's exactly how I feel. I believe a lot of leaders are also feeling that. So we prayed. We also prayed during power hour. I believe that the battle is the Lord's. His kingdom will not suffer loss. No. The path is narrow and the enemy desperate, but by His Spirit He will lead us to a breakthrough! (:

I think the first sentence every time you're around and I have the car

wanna tell you that every time I see you...

Gemma Arterton (: I like her eyes!

Just watched this movie with Yap, and it kept me thinking about how us human beings are so fascinated by happy endings, where the prince and princess live happily ever after. It makes me wonder too if God did place such a perfect dream in my heart. And if He did, the next question would be, if not now, why am I feeling it now?

Or is "happily ever after" just a fable? It appears more and more people are believing it as such. Perhaps that's why guys are being so open about their lust. But it's always been like that. What's changing is that fewer and fewer girls are treasuring their treasure. They no longer feel the need to save themselves for someone special, perhaps because they don't believe it. It's sad.

But I believe in happily ever after. I once did a survey, and with regards to my romantic life, it says that I'm "hopelessly romantic". I kinda agree. I hold on to such *feelings* really tightly, although I know not to impose anything on the other party. So it remains that I am but a fool in love.

I dream about perfection (:

I just want to be the superhero whom you'd cry out for when you're in distress
But only you can decide whether my powers are good enough
It is every boy's dream to be a hero
Am I qualified to be yours?

There are so many superheroes around, one or two especially powerful
Having tasted their powers, you'll probably do well without mine
You know, it's really painful when I try to do a good superhero job
When the very powers that I have to offer aren't really needed

I've been playing a lot of blues lately. On the guitar. Cause when the *feelings* step in and it seems difficult to cope, the joy of creating tunes kinda crack me up. It also helps that I've been spending a lot of time in church, studying in the hangout, although I can't really focus most of the time, cause there's a guitar there! Especially after wed's paper, I can't really focus on my next paper which is coming monday. But still, exam's aren't the most pressing things in my mind. Perhaps cause I know I'll prolly pass. Mugging is just a matter of how badly you want an A. And at this point, I don't really care, cause, I mean, I really don't value the "standard path" that much anymore. I'll still study, but I won't make it a priority. I just wanna take things easy and find out more about what life really is - that which God intended for it to be.

Adam and Eve weren't created for exams and meeting expectations. There were created for relationships - something they don't teach in schools these days. So yeah, relationships. The source of my greatest joy, and also my greatest pains. The joys are worth keeping. Every moment. But the pains... I've been searching for a solution. And recently, it dawned upon me. Time and again it is brought up. It's the central theme of the Bible. Yet many people miss it! It's forgiveness.

I've been trying to walk in forgiveness, putting aside every hurt and trusting God that He will be faithful to heal as long as I choose to release a person into forgiveness. The hurt doesn't always go away immediately, and I'll have to find ways and means to bide my time as God does His work. I won't give up on forgiveness, cause it's Jesus' love language, and so it shall be as mine too.

Meanwhile, when silly reminders arouse the pains, setting my emotions spinning into the blues, I'l just pick up the guitar, sing a song or two, playing the blues till the blues cease to be blue.

Music is powerful, I tell you. Thank God for it.

if it's true, then I understand. it's okay.

//

Read Acts today. I wanna be like Paul, pursuing Jesus all the way unto death. But for the past few years, it seems like i've been chasing practical things, like a degree, future prospects, ideas, family etc. and somehow, I've left the passion I had as a teen. I remember being devoted to almost every single Church event, like 100%. Army killed that, of course, with the weekends gone. It's practical, it's needed, but it also changed my mindset a bit. True, that we can't always be present for Church events, but since then, the appeal of practicality in the way I view things and in the choices that I make seems pretty high. Perhaps it's about time I looked back at, say, 17, and learn from the Ivan then.

Pursuing God unto death. It's pain in life that brings me back to such fundamental joy. Like, suddenly everything seems meaningless, and what's left is the hope that I buried deep in my heart. I don't wanna lose it. Really. Even if it means that I'm going to die a horrible death, or if I'm not going to get married at all (ouch!), or if I'm going to have to leave all my friends and loved ones etc etc. I need to place God first.

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

these words are easy to sing, but takes a whole lot of self-denial to really mean.

"I'll channel my emotions right, 'cos I'm the boss of them, and it won't go devil's way."
- Sharon Liang

mann... if a girl lady could live up to this, then surely I can, right?
C'mon Ivan. Be a man... after God's own heart!

Insecurity... it's poison I tell you.
Affects my temper, makes me unsettled, having the BIG need to laugh at something, having the need to belong, makes me say stupid things, spoils relations, dissatisfied with EVERYTHING, longing for more of Idontknowwhat... ARGH!!!

Then God spoke.

All you need is faith like a mustard seed, Ivan.
Faith. Like a mustard seed.
Insecurity makes you imagine things that are not there.
It tells you you're insufficient when I've already given you abundance.
It blinds you from the blessings in your life that are a cause for joy.
It seeks to leave you withered like a dead leaf.
Hear my voice. It's guiding you every step. You only have to pay very close attention to know what I'm saying. It's the voice of comfort. The voice of Truth. It tells you a different story of what's really going on - the truth, that is.

and off goes the load.

I should do QT now.

to all my sisters (:

this sounds kinda in-your-face
but wells, it's true

Amen.

Show me Your ways, O Lord.
Without You, life's a mess.
I want to know You more and more.

ahhhh shucks! i figured it.
and i'm sorry.
can you forgive me please please please please pleaseeeee??
I should have been more sensitive...
it wasn't negative. I promise!
i mean, I have NEVER for one moment thought you looked unimpressive...
Really!
From the bottom of my heart,
I promise!
*puppy eyes?*

ohhh mannn... I was sooo looking forward to coffee ):
stupid mouth fingers

I feel kinda separated. from things that i want. which is kinda good in a sense, cause it keeps me in reality. i can't really have everything that i want right... so believing that i'm kinda not suited for those things kinda keeps me humble a bit. which is good. i'm tired of being proud and having it all nice. although, the feeling's great, i've to admit. but with great gain comes also great fear of loss. so in the end, they cancel each other out. nothing is really "gain" at all. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that.

sigh... it's tough to have desires. How I wish I didn't have to like someone, or I didn't have to want things badly... isn't that so much better? there's just so much freedom in not having silly desires for silly things that can't be mine in the first place. I want that freedom back. I remember one of the best times, in J1. I didn't like anyone for a period. I was excited to serve in Church. I had a great time with my bros in Church. Had a group of really wacky guy friends too in school. And I was really into PlanetShakers and stuff, which really helped in my spiritual growth too. It was awesome. For a few months I knew I was just at the right place and at the right time. BUT all that changed in J2, starting from march hols. sigh... one thing happened after another, and now that I'm 23, it still seems that it's not gonna end. Desires are horrible.

At the end of the day, I'm still having to come to terms with that fact that only God fulfills our desires. Any other inclinations apart from Him won't really happen for us. That's the truth right in my face. Smashes my ego. Breaks my esteem. Perhaps there's where He wants me to be. Broken into pieces. I can't see any beauty at the moment. Really. My heart is cut. Maybe I'm blind too. I'm really good at messing things up in the end.

Maybe that's why studying helps. It keeps me away from the affective side of life. It keeps me in another world. In that world, I don't really have to feel or think that deeply. I just have to read, understand, write, and try to remember. It's systematic and orderly. No 2 ways about it. And I just have to keep going, topic after topic, page after page, chapter after chapter. It's nice to have routine stuff to do. Just keeps you occupied so that you forget about painful things.

And I was thinking today, how I wanna die. I mean, in all things, it's always good to have in mind how you want the end to turn out right? So yeah. I'm ruling out suicide, of course. But maybe I wanna volunteer to Afghanistan or something. In the army, there's routine. And in the heat and sweat, there really isn't room for emotions. Good for softies like me. And I get to die a noble death too, if it happens. I've always wanted to do lonely things, like, separate from the normal system of studies-work- get married-have children-etc etc-die. It's boring. really. I mean, I'd wanna get married, but I wanna do different things. And the things I have in mind, I don't think any girl would be interested anyway. sigh...

ok. I'm going on and on. should stop here. time to sleep.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
- Philippians 3:8

You know, as if you didn't know,
Only God says the first three words without EVER saying the fourth.
That's why He's the most beautiful thing.
But few people even bother respond to such sweetness.
They say its too good to be true.
And they complain about how their lives aren't that good.
It's fear that grips the hearts of man,
Stubborn refusal of what plainly is their heart's desire.
They won't don't believe.
The most loving and devoted person probably hurts the most.
C'mon guys, let's put a stop to this.
We need to respond to His loving-kindness
It's not about earning a ticket to heaven
But turning back to our First Love
And telling Him that we love Him too
And really mean it from the bottom of our hearts.
With our hearts and our deeds
Let's prove to the world
What miracles true love can really do!
In the name of Jesus we pray Love.

suddenly, the feeling's gone.
thinking about it feels kinda gross now.
do i still... ?
hmm
or maybe it's just today.

heh.

I hope God controls my desires, cause I can't really make sure I have the "right" feelings.

stayed over at Ian's last night, and had a good talk about... *stuff*. yeah...

basically, I gathered that I'm not in a season of relationships.
which I feel is true.
but I just needed to hear it from someone. with authority.
like, for a clear direction or something, not just my own intuition.

so yeah. I'm glad that at least there are some lines drawn, and I have a direction in this area (:
phewww...

//

oh yea, remember that assignment I was struggling with?
I scored 86% (an A+) (:
really helped to pull up my average, although the coming exam is the real deal...

anyways, here are some screen shots of my marked paper:

this is my favourite part of the essay: the conclusion (:
you might notice errors, such as "appears to be" instead of "appear to be" (line 3)

and "voices masses" instead of "voices of the masses" (line 6).
and like, I managed to get 86 despite such errors. heh.
God is funny.

and I simply love MLK.
He was a history maker in his generation.
I wanna be like that too in mine (:

and here's my tutor's comment:

(:
it's really amazing how such a fluent essay could be produced out of a state of tiredness, weariness, sadness and struggles, and the fact that I was rushing through.
it's God's grace. really.
I'm quite amazed myself when I read it again this time after it was marked.

oh, and TMA stands for "tutor marked assignments". it just means assignments.

//

eggzams.... ahhh... I hope that my tutor's right when she said that I could do "equally well or even better in the exams." I know it's a bit far-fetching, but I'm hoping to get a GPA score of 5.0 for a couple of modules so as to pull my overall average to above 4.5, which is a First Class Honours (: my current average GPA is 4.38. (of course, to qualify for an honours I also have to do a 4th year, which, at this moment, I'm not exactly comfortable with) still, it makes sense to wanna do well right? heh. I haven't been this academically "smart" since primary school. seriously. getting A's and 80+ percentage for my work was unheard of in sec school and JC (I'm exaggerating la. there were few - very few - cases in sec school where I scored A for this or that. but definitely not in JC).

but in the end, it's God's will. I totally didn't expect to do this well in uni in the first place. cos of my O's and A's, I never really felt like I was a academically-inclined person. but I feel that ever since I came to SIM, His message to me has been that I can do it. like, how the systems in sec school and JC didn't really cater to my strengths, and how, perhaps, uni will unveil these strengths (: it touches me to know that. really. although SIM isn't exactly a good school to begin with - people won't usually put "SIM" and "academic proficiency" in the same sentence... but still, it's uni after all, and doing well in it counts! at least, that's what God's been saying to me.

you can do it, Ivan! (:

//

hehe, Ronice, this is for you (:

yeah, I have this Singapore English module, which has no exams (: that's why I chose it
so, here's how I am assessed:
TMA 1 - 20%
TMA 2 - 30 %
End of Course Assessment (ECA) - 50%

both TMA 2 and the ECA are based on a sample voice recording which I'm supposed to record. then I'm supposed to introduce and describe it in TMA 2, and analyse in detail for the ECA. which means, 80% of this module depends on Ronice!!

and, I'm proud to say that my tutor liked her speech too (:
here's her comment on my TMA 2 (:

hehe so yeah, she likes Ronice, and her background and stuff, and she gave me marks for that :P
and the reason I'm still not getting down to studying for exams is because I'm still working on the tedious ECA, which is due this Friday. but of course, I intend to submit by tomorrow, cause I wanna start studying already!

so anyways, thanks Ron (:
tag me if you read this (:
and remember I owe you ice cream (:

//

I know this post sounds like I'm bragging about my good scores and stuff, but honestly, I'm not. I just wanna share my experience with those close to me. Especially if you're a secondary school student and your teachers and parents, and even the system, are telling you that you're not smart/hardworking enough... all these voices may seem discouraging and distracting right now, but in, say 5 years, these voices will be totally irrelevant. As you grow older, you'll find that people's judgment of you changes, and only God's affirmation of you stays the same throughout.

studies... they are important. but only God tells you who you are.
do not give that right to another.