Its the wisest and most foolish thing at the same time.

Ohhh I've been having the fiercest emotional battle since army days... argh! The thoughts and impulses just keep replaying and replaying and replaying, such that I have to remind myself that I'm in class and should watch my own facial expression, my posture and overall body language so as not to frighten the kids. So I look away and create some space for myself to indulge in my battle and cries. Raging and raging, my feelings toss like a hurricane. Yet, I maintain the discipline to keep this to myself and not be overtly expressive about it. I'm madly emotional and logically sound at the same time.

You're having a go at your dreams and happiness
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but
I wish I still had the same value
Its salt in a wound that was supposed to be covered by dependence
Now, only I am the dependent one

Its childish, cos that's what a child would say. I'm a man hello?? 23 years old. Yet I'm craving for attention like a child.

Your gaze and smile pass me by
To another who's better at returning them
I don't know whether you're playing games or sincere
But I'd go for sincerity cause I don't believe you're into playing games
Sincerity, that is, not for me to receive

I lose. I fail at etiquettes. I mess genuine concern with insecurities. Its so hard to face people and smile when most of the time I'm bothered by something. I don't understand how some people do it so well. Its not like their lives are totally smooth. Playing computer games kicks the strategy in a bit, but it only delays the battle. I must have appeared so weird. I'm weird I guess. Its not a simple resignation. Its something I've tried really hard disbelieving, but I can't. I've usually been the misfit. From primary school till now. I've been made fun of, bullied, ostracised, humiliated, called names, yet I'm stupid enough not to blame anybody. I just keep to myself or cry to the toilet bowl. I'm a misfit.

My heart is shattered. I wanna scream, but I don't want anyone to hear. I don't want pity or concern. I only want that which I had lost or failed to deserve. Its simple. But its also so difficult. And then I wonder how I can lose sleep at retreat, and have the strength to go for meetings and services, play for worship, drive and talk to people, wake up and go to work on time and do everything in its allocated time, while inside me everything is in chaos. Everything. I don't even have an appetite. So the next thing, the only thing, I know to do... is to listen to worship songs.

I don't know why, but in all my sadness and pain, I take comfort in singing
my soul magnifies the Lord
or
You are my Rock in times of trouble.

Its words that lift me for a moment. I feel so stupid. Even in my worshipping. I mean, who is God? Or where is He? How do I know that I need Him? But I'll die if I don't sing them. That, I can't be more sure about. I'll really die. I don't know what else can give me even such a hint of consolation. I feel silly. But at least I get to escape for a while, genuinely.

Its foolishness in its climax. But its the wisest thing I know.