I get scared when I have free time...

Cos it means time is in my hands, and I have to make choices that decided whether the time spent at the end of the day was worthwhile. I always look forward to free days, cos its one chance to ask... nevermind.

But when it comes to the day itself, I'm afraid. I feel lost. I don't know who to call, what opportunities I'll miss if I take a certain step. If I do A, maybe I should have done B. If I did B, maybe I should have done C. There have been days when I totally felt wasted and drained with regret, simply because I wasn't satisfied with the things I did or the people I hung out with.

I wanna call some people whom I really wanna talk to, but I'm afraid they'll reject, or else they are too busy. Then I'll call some others, and then I don't get to spend the kind of quality time I had hoped to. And I can't stay at home, and I don't want to. My space is limited to the hall, literally, a circumference of 2 steps. My bed is the sofa, and my com is just 2 tables away. No, I don't wanna stay home. I wanna go out. But who and where? I'm desperate. For some direction.

I like free time. I get to sleep more. I get to do some things that I like. But its really scary.

Father, I dunno how You'll answer this prayer, but would You please give me an amazing day tomorrow? I know I need something, but I don't know exactly what. But lead me to the place, where it is the exact place You want me to be, the exact people that You're pleased with me to spend time with, and the things available that You're most want me to do.

I need You Lord. I surrender tomorrow to You. Amen.

It affects my side of the friendship 'cause everything seems awkward... EVERYTHING! Down to the hi's and what comes after that, and the comments and the complements, and the smiles and the humour, and all the hints, thoughts and guesses I have to make... I feel so torn. I'm worn out. I feel so fake and lousy with no one encouraging me rightly. I wanna die. I need to die. No longer I... No longer I... but Christ. Deny yourself, Ivan. Take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Sometimes, I wish I had a committed personal friend-leader whose advice would move me to tears cos its just so clear and simple and to the point.